Beltane

We have reached the Sabbat of Beltane. One of the fire festivals and one of the Greater Sabbats. Beltane is also known as May Eve, due to the fact that tomorrow will of course be May.

It is the third of the fertility festivals, and traditionally marked the beginning of summer. It is viewed as some to be somewhat of a counterpart to Samhain, and like Samhain is a time when the veil between the worlds is supposed to be at its thinnest.

The two most prominent aspects of this celebration tend to be the bonfire, and the focus on fertility. Fertility oriented imagery and icons are prominent on this day. It is said that in celebration of Beltane couples would sometimes go into the fields and indulge themselves (and each other) in the hopes of improving fertility of their fields for the coming year. The Great Rite, either literally or symbolically is often incorporated into this holiday. It has been said that a child conceived on this day will be blessed with great magical power and spiritual understanding.

Breads, cereals, honey and milk are the primary food elements in celebration of this holiday. Not to say there are restrictions on what foods one might eat, just that those are the most common. (Note that breads, cereals and milk can all fill you up rather nicely for some lengthy exercise, should you be exercising all night in the fields.)

It also is a time to gather plants and flowers to decorate your home to remind yourself of the life that is now fully in bloom all around us.

And such is a brief introduction to Beltane, a holy day in a life, or something close to it.

A Mother's Forgiveness

I walked through the field, watching Her as She sat in the crook of the lone tree rising from the middle of the meadow. She watched me approach and when I got close enough to make out the expression on Her face, She smiled.

"You do get so worked up on individual subjects, don't you?" She asked conversationally.

I just shrugged, saying "Sorry."

"No you aren't." She said with a laugh. She dropped out of the tree and glanced over Her shoulder at me. "But I forgive you."

"Now that was just spiteful." I retorted.

She laughed again. "Perhaps you are not only a student, but a teacher as well." With an inclination of Her head, She began to walk, and I followed Her. "But I wasn't being spiteful. I have a point to make."

"Of course you do." I said. "And I suspect from your tone, that your point is that I am wrong."

"Now you are being petulant." She rebuked me. "Few are the times that I have come right out and said you were wrong about something. I would like to discuss it though."

"Okay, then let's discuss." I said shortly. "Where are the flaws in my argument?"

Her laughter seemed a musical echo, though there was nothing for the sound to bounce off of, out in the open as we were. She twirled around for a moment and sat down like a young girl at play, enjoying the sunshine. It struck me that She did look particularly young at the moment. "Of course I do, you silly boy." She replied to my thought. "And you know perfectly well why, so don't change the subject."

"Which is how my argument is flawed." I said, more annoyed. "So flawed that my mere suggestion that you point out how has you laughing at me."

"I am not laughing at you. Not in the sense of mockery. I do find it amusing, thought, that you have set yourself ready to include me into your debate. To defend your position about me against my own opinion on the matter." She ran Her hands over the grass, and a single flower rose up to meet Her hand. She picked it and slid it into Her hair. "Surely you see the humor in this."

"Yes. Hilarious." I sat across from Her. "So are you going to enlighten me?"

"Probably not. You are so bullheaded sometimes. I will try to let you enlighten yourself though."

"So you will leave me to talk this over amongst myself and get back to you with what I come up with?" The sarcasm crept in.

"Tell me why it is that you push so hard on this topic of forgiveness. Why you are so adamant against it that you get annoyed when I utter the words 'I forgive you'". She rose to Her feet again, and once more I followed Her.

As She walked along, I watched the various flowers and plants growing up in Her wake, wherever She had placed Her feet. It gave me time to consider. "I guess that I can't sum it up any better than to say that I find the teaching dangerous and irresponsible." I admitted. "I have many points that lead me to this conclusion, but you are already familiar with them all."

"Moreso than you." She said with a smile in Her voice. A hint of sadness crept in. "But you delude yourself."

"How so?" I demanded.

"Because you don't truly have an issue with the word, or even the concept." She turned to face me, a look of concern in Her eyes. "You use the examples of the dangerous routes the concept can take, and use them as your evidence that there is a problem with the concept of forgiveness. A problem with the teaching. But you know as well as I do that it isn't the concept or the teaching that is the problem. It is how some people will misinterpret it and or twist it when they teach. You can't fault the concept for this, because this can happen with any concept. You know this."

"I guess I do know that." I admitted. "But what good can the concept of forgiveness offer?"

"You know the answer to that question already." She replied, turning to walk along the meadow once more. "You have answered it in your rewriting of the concept in the arguments you have already made. This is why some of these arguments you get in bother me. You both argue the same point and wonder why you haven't convinced the other to see the logic of your statement."

I was startled to see that we had reached the edge of a cliff, far below which the ocean stretched out before us. Looking around, my mind made adjustments of the scenery, imagining it illuminated by the moon rather than the sun, and I panicked.

"Yes, we are here." She said with a wry smile. "You hadn't realized?"

"It isn't the full moon." I said in a rush. "It is barely past the new moon. You can't ask me that question now."

Her eyebrow raised, and She smirked. "Can't I? Why not?" As my heart raced, She smiled reassuringly. "I won't ask. Not that it would matter. You don't have the answer now or later, what difference does it make?"

I had to admit that She had a point. Yet a part of me kept trying to find the answer, and that part cried out for all of the time it could get before the next deadline. My quizzical mind kicked in. "Then why are we here?"

"I have my reasons." She said with a secretive smile, turning to walk along the cliff's edge.

I followed her, still slightly uncomfortably. She had said that She wouldn't ask, but soon we would be at that site, and the site itself wasn't even somewhere I would have wanted to go. Not without the answer.

She turned on me, the rare display of anger evident on Her young face for a moment. The steel evident in Her voice. "And why not? What difference does that place make in the grander scheme of the lesson? Is it the grove that asks the question of you, or is it me? You can face me, but not the sacred ground I frequent on those nights? You can visit me in my deepest sleep in the grotto, in the most sacred of places but this one frightens you away?"

I just stared at Her. This too I could not answer. "I know. It is part of what you fail to learn. Now walk with me, away from the grove."

Once again She turned. Back towards the tree, but walking parrallel to the trees that trailed away from the sacred circle. She was silent once more, and I had the feeling that I was supposed to ask Her a question.

"You are such a smart one." She said, in a friendly tone with only a hint of mockery.

"I don't know what I am supposed to ask you." I admitted.

"I know." She said sadly. "If you did, then I would be able to answer, and you could give that answer back to me when I ask you again."

I didn't know how to respond, so once more I watched the flowers spring up behind Her, and the butterflies flitting around Her. I was bespelled, broken out of it by Her pure, musical laughter. Looking back to Her I saw Her smiling at me. She gestured at the flowers and butterflies.

"You have no idea how happy you make me with these." She said with a loving smile.

"What do you mean?" I asked, puzzled. "You do that."

"No I don't." She replied. "You see them because that is what you would expect to see. What you want to see. You know every aspect of me, and the aspect that you notice depends on you. You could follow me and see the death and decomposition of the plants that we trample on. You could see storm clouds following me, or any other aspect of what I am capable of. They are all here." She gestured at the flowers and the butterflies. "And so you love me. You wouldn't know by listening to you. It makes my heart warm."

I knew not what to say, and I watched Her walk away back to the grove. As the distance increased between us, I called out. "So you are telling me that my personal opinions may be blinding me to the greater argument about forgiveness?"

"A little bit." She called out.

"So forgiveness is real? Is a moral expectation?" I called out.

"No!" She called back, laughing and beginning to dance again.

"So which is it? Am I right or wrong?" I persisted.

"No!" She cried out again, dancing faster and laughing.

There was no question She was in a good mood, and as puzzled as I was by the other conversation, I wondered why.

The dancing figure had vanished into the grove, but between the trees there was a glow, and the hint of filtered moonlight. In my mind I heard Her voice, more longing in it than laughter. "Because tomorrow night is the only night of the year that you will dance with me."

White Wolf Archive

Here is an archive I intend to keep updated of the posts of the White Wolf Series in order:

The Dual Purposes Of This Blog <--- (A disclaimer) The White Wolf's Journey Begins
The White Wolf's Turn From The Church
The White Wolf's Questions Begin
A White Wolf's Purpose
A White Wolf's Purpose (Take Two)
A White Wolf Examines Religious Texts
The White Wolf Considers Heaven And Hell
The White Wolf Asks Who Is God
The White Wolf Considers The Feminine
A Wiccan White Wolf
A White Wolf's Identity
A White Wolf Questions the Wiccans
This archive will be kept up and live in the permanent links section of my sidebar.

A Mother's Words

Here is an archive that I will work on continuously updating, with the links, in order, to the posts in the "Mother" Series. This is more for my benefit than anyone else's, as there is no set subject matter or continuation of any story in these various links.

A Dream - A Lesson - A Life
A Mother's Love
A Different POV
Lessons Unlearned <-- I spent a while trying to figure out if this qualified, finally decided to add it without having actually come to a conclusion one way or the other.
My Role In Your Life
Prologue To The White Wolf's Monologue
A Disappointed Mother
A Mother's Response
A Mother's Answer
A Mother's Forgiveness
A Mother's Tears
A Mother's Priorities
A Mother's Lesson
A Mother And A Cross

So there you have them thus far. I will be linking this on the sidebar permanently, as in time will be obvious as it is likely to be the only way you would have ended up here in the first place. I am not sure if an archive should end with "Life, or something close to it."

Sticking to the original plan

I have said before, and will throw out there again, that I don't foresee there ever being a reason that will convince me to have a blog on MySpace. Normally, I wouldn't even be inclined to go over there to check someone's blog out. Unfortunately, one individual whose insight and intelligence on her old blog on this server has moved to MySpace, which leads me to occasionally visit over there, despite the fact that at times my computer takes issue with all of the advertisement and stuff that you run across on that server and takes forever to load the page. Today I decided to attempt to create an account so that I would be able to respond (having a MySpace account is required to do so) to some of her posts. Three attempts later, I still don't have an account that allows me to do so because it ran across errors in my attempt to register. Honestly, why anyone would willingly deal with that server is beyond me. I suppose that is just one of the mysteries of life, or something close to it.

I am still here

No, I haven't vanished off of the planet or given up on this blog. I have been busy over the last week or so with work, the baby, and sleeping. I have been filling some odd shifts and spending much of my time off caring for the baby while Martha worked, or sleeping on the rare occasion. My work schedule should be straightening itself out soon enough for me to return to my postings here and perusing the other blogs I haven't had a time to visit recently.

In the mean time, if my absence has caused any of you any undue discomfort, I am sorry, but that is just life, or something close to it.

The Heart of a Warrior

As some of the readers know, when my previous employment concluded, I decided to go for my dream of doing the only thing I've ever really wanted to do with myself and become a professional gambler.

I have had drastically varying success; some weeks I've made more than $2,000. Other weeks I had to sell stuff for food. However, as long as I can keep doing this, I believe that I will become better and more reliable with additional experience. This, however, is only tangential and used as a segue to the point of my post.

When I lost $2,200 in one night a few weeks ago, I was quite jarred. Not only is that a very stiff loss financially, but it undermined my confidence in my ability to play poker; it was the first loss I'd had in a month of playing for a living. For a moment it felt like the sky was falling. What would I do if I lost again? Am I really a fish? How am I going to get that money back? I felt so drained that I let these foolish thoughts slip past my normal mental defenses, but I quickly recovered and steeled up. I remembered that my best talent is reaction to duress. Recovery after disaster and response to emergency are two abilities of the sharp mind, mourning and panic two traits of the dull mind. Here we creep closer to my point.

Though one of my huge pet peeves is the abandonment of the correct denotation of words, I would be remiss to point out that the connotations of words can vary widely from person to person, as can many other perceptions. For instance, we all have a different image of what a "warrior" is. Some may think of a loin-clothed savage with a stone axe, some might think of a silk kimono'd samurai deep in meditation, and yet others may first think of a professional basketball player from San Francisco. When I think of that word, I think of someone who displays complete stoicism and calm, rational response to emergencies or disasters. And it is this hypothetical warrior upon whom I have tried to model myself, and it is upon the strength of this same warrior that I try to help others draw.

Regarding the $2,200 loss, if I were to be this warrior, I would not lose direction. I would take some time to make sure my head was in the proper place, gather more money, and go back in with the confidence that my game was above the level of those whose money I hope to take. I realize that one stiff loss does not counteract the huge gains I'd made before, which I was sure to make again. I'd realize there is knowledge and wisdom to be gained from the loss, and to be incorporated in my game from then on to make sure it was not repeated. I will not mourn my money, nor will I make a melodramatic production from my loss to garner wasteful sympathy.

It is these traits that make up this warrior I so admire. Someone who does not relent in the face of adversity. Someone who has the calmness, rationality, and presence of mind to react in the most productive way. Someone whose emotions do not betray him, and do not cause others to perceive him as weak, childish, and effeminate. But most of all, someone who can bear the burden they are saddled with, without complaint or anguish. Someone who fails neither in heated calamitous moments, nor, more importantly, in slow, long, costly, painful paths from which he can not or may not deviate. I submit that the latter is much harder; like ripping off a band-aid, losing it all in a moment has a way of dulling the pain that would, over time, mount on you like straws on the figurative camel's back until you resort to the weak-minded, inferior response of despair.

I write all this, Wanderer, because out of all the people I know, I respect you in this way most of all. The events of the past few days have put you on a path you can not avoid, and on this journey you must not complain. You must not fail. You must not lose that steel which holds us upright against the blazing wind of our futures. You must not lose hope in the hardship through which you must go. You must have the heart to stand up forthright against the difficulties before you. And I, too, will have that heart, and though there is a stark difference between the battles I face and the campaign you have embarked on, I'll be there for you.

Stoicism, as I mean it, says only that one does not display the emotions associated with weakness and failure. I see nowhere in the meaning that insinuates no help ever be useful. No one of those marines on Iwo Jima would have had the stength to raise that flag by themselves; and I offer that immortal image as a symbol of the relationship I offer you.

You can do this, Wanderer. You have the heart of a warrior.

New Blogs

Over the past week I have aided in the creation of two new blogs. One belongs to my mother-in-law and one belongs to my wife.

So, if any of you have any interest, feel free to pop on over, the links have been added to my blog. A Mother's Life belongs to my wife and Me-Ma's House belongs to my mother in law. Not sure how active either of them will be, but since some of you know them, I am spreading the word.

So there are two new beginnings in blog life, or something close to it.

The Answers

We will start with this:



This is what Emily looked like today as she was the only one oblivious to the fact that her mother has MS. It was definitively confirmed today. Martha is still pretty calm. She even joked with me about what the lesions on her brain looked like. Honestly, I am calmer too. There is something about the fact that we know, that there is no waiting anymore that makes a bit of a difference. Not the happiest of news, but still, it is definitive news.

The specialist says that this isn't as bad a diagnosis as it would have been 30 years ago. He went as far as saying that when she is seventy years old she will look back and say, "Hey, that wasn't so bad." I am sure part of that is just to soften the blow, but I have done some research, and many do in fact live full lives now with this disease. Some don't, but then again, some healthy people get hit by buses, so it is just a matter of being thankful for the good odds.

While I was getting the information of the diagnosis, my father took my mother into the hospital. Not sure still what the specifics were. I heard him mention weakness, and she had surgery on her arm a week ago. Status reports since said she was dehydrated. They also mentioned some other things they are looking at, and that if they didn't get promising results, they might be admitting her. We were supposed to know by 9pm. That was over an hour ago. Still waiting.

But, those are the basics. Feel free to return to your normal healthy life, or something close to it.

Grattitude

Here is where I offer a simple token of grattitude. Thank you Maryellen for offering 2 hours 57 minutes and 33 seconds (my phone gives a report when I hang up) of your time past when you intended to go to sleep because I needed someone to talk to.

Sometime soon one or the other of us will figure out how to do it face to face. Thank you so much for being there. (Not to mention my grattitude that you live in an earlier time zone so it wasn't so late for you.)

Soon enough I will learn how to sleep again. In the meantime, I will just do what I need to do to live my life, or something close to it.

Who Knows Wanderer?

Ok, once again running with the trends apparent on some of the other blogs I visit, here is a slightly different quiz.

Take My Quiz - on - QuizYourFriends.com!

So what do you know about my life, or something close to it?

My Name

Never quite seen it written this way before:



Напиши еще?

Of course, the fact that I took the time to post this might indicate that I need a life, or something close to it.

More Facts About Me

Apparently by the very nature of the fact that I read this blog I got tagged. So here goes:

The Rules:
1. You can only say YES or NO!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone emails you and asks!

Taken a picture naked? : yes
Made out with a member of the same sex? : no
Danced in front of your mirror? : yes
Told a lie? : yes
Gotten in a car with people you just met?: yes
Been in a fist fight? : yes
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? : yes
Been arrested? : yes
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? : yes
Seen someone die? : yes
Kissed a picture? : yes
Slept in until 3? : yes
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? : yes
Played dress up? : no
Fallen asleep at work? : yes
Had sex at work? : no
Felt an earthquake? : yes
Touched a snake? : yes
Ran a red light? : yes
Been in a car accident? : yes
Pole danced? : no
Been lost? : yes
Sang karaoke? : yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? : yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? : yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? : yes
Kissed in the rain? : yes
Sang in the shower? : yes
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? : no
Sat on a roof top? : yes
Played chicken? : yes
Raised chickens? : NO!
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? : yes
Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? : yes
Broken a bone? : yes
Mooned/flashed someone? : yes
Forgotten someone's name? : yes
Slept naked? : yes
Blacked out from drinking? : no
Played a prank on someone? : yes
Felt like killing someone? : yes
Made a parent cry? : no
Cried over someone? : yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? : yes
Had/Have a dog? : yes
Been in a band? : yes
Drank 25 sodas in a day? : no
Shot a gun? : yes

So there you go, and in nature of how I got tagged, I tag all of you.

Respect the tag or not. That is your choice in this life, or something close to it.

Unexpected News

Martha went to the optometrist today to get her eyes checked and her glasses prescription updated. After going to the doctor last week for migraines, she was still under the basic impression that her eyes were too far off from the prescription for her glasses, leading to the migraines, which led to the loss of vision in her right eye.

The optometrist said that her eyes were still basically the same (or at least the functional one was) and sent her to a neuro-opthalmologist. (Coincedentally the same one who told me my complete loss of sight due to photophobia when I was in high school was all in my head.)

He had pleasant news for her as well. She has optic neuritis. A condition that can be treated and should eventually allow most of her sight to return. The downside is that (as the article I linked to indicates) patients with this condition have a tendency to develop MS. As such, she is going for an MRI next wednesday to see what they can see in regards to this wonderful possibility. A particularly pleasant outlook for our family which got the reassuring news less than a year ago that I don't have MS, as had been suspected at one point. Let's just hope we go 2 for 2.

And that is the good news of this day in my life, or something close to it.

The Wind Moon

The wind moon became full today at 12:41p Eastern Daylight time. It will rise this evening over Rochester at 08:10pm and will set tomorrow at 6:42am.

In Farmington, NM it became full at 10:41am Mountain Daylight time. It will rise at 08:07pm and set at 6:58am tomorrow.

The Wind Moon is again a moon whose name has direct seasonal weather implications. As we move into spring we still have a number of minor storms that dot our weather timeline. Predominantly the winds and april showers. Some have indicated that the name is given specifically in reverence to the watchtower, air. However, it is not the air moon, and even if specially significance is given to this quarter on this particular Esbat, it is undoubtedly due to the prevalence of wind on our minds.

It is also known as the Pink Moon by some, a reference to the growth of pink grass. One of the earliest floral growths of the season.

And there are your lunar details for this moment in your life, or something close to it.

Today's Photos

Here are a couple of pictures I decided to take with my phone today:



Emily, kicking back in her Penn State sweatshirt, her Harley Davidson pants and her cell phone. (They grow up fast, don't they.)



Emily with her mother in the front window. I kind of like how the reflection of the trees and houses turned out, but wish the picture of her was a little better to go with it.

And there is my photo essay about a little life, or something close to it.

And It Has Been Too Long Since I Posted A Stupid Quiz

You scored as A Slave To BDSM. Admit it, you like being tied up and being told you've been very naughty. You like teasing your partner and making them squirm, and not letting them be able to do anything about it. Some people think what you do is sick and disgusting, but you know it's all in good fun. A Slave To BDSM 98% Sex God 75% A Romantic 48% Virgin 28% How are you in bed created with QuizFarm.com

I am not sure how I turned out to be 28% virgin and a "slave to bdsm." One of those quirks about life or something close to it.

This silly little blog

I have to tell you that sometimes the way these blog things are run drives me absolutely nuts. Specifically the marking of dates. I began a post on March 31 that I just now finished and posted. It isn't dated today. It is dated March 31. So anyone who stopped in at my blog earlier today would have seen the muppet video, below which was my post "Twisting the words of a friend." With this new posting, it is now the video, then my "White Wolf" post and then "Twisting the words of a friend." More pointedly, one might not even bother to look lower to see if I snuck something in the back door. So that is actually the primary reason for this post here. To let you know that I snuck a post in the back door. It is below the muppet video.

And such are the quirks of blog life, or something close to it.

Cute Video

I saw this on Baby Priest's blog, and had to share it:



So there you have it, muppet life, or something close to it.