A Mother's Lesson
I stalked across the field to where She stood, one hand resting on a tree, but not leaning. More as if She was posing or showing Herself off. As I approached She lowered Her hand and stepped toward me, Her features changing as She did so.
"Where is my church?" I demanded of Her.
She laughed. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question?" She asked, turning and walking away.
I hurried over to catch up. Her features and physique were continuing to change, never staying the same for more than a couple of seconds. "Why do you change as soon as I can see who you are at the moment?" I asked.
She wiggled a finger at me. "My question again." She responded.
"Do you plan on just continuously frustrating me?" I demanded.
The shifting stopped. Her clothes were dark and Her face was stern. "That's the third question I could ask of you." She replied. "My patience with that tone does wear short on occasion as well. Ask what you want to know."
I took a deep breath. "I already asked what I wanted to know." I replied.
She smiled and turned, Her form still regal, Her clothes still dark, yet She did not seem as forboding anymore. The humor in Her voice helped to push away some of the chills I hadn't noticed as well. "Fair enough. Ask something I can answer, then."
"Why can't you answer the first question?" I asked as we walked and She began changing forms again.
"You've wondered that for some time." She replied. "But you know that is not a question I can answer for you."
"Is there no answer?" I asked.
"You know there is. You know who must answer." She gestured to Her right. Where the field had been open before, I now saw a clearing at the edge of a forest. Against a cliff. I could hear the surf below. "It is the same question."
I stood for a moment and stared at the scene, then I turned back to Her. Her face was warm, Her figure and attire designed to be comforting. They weren't.
"So if I can't answer that question, I am simply lost?" I asked Her.
"Of course not." She answered with a laugh. "You still know your way here."
"But this isn't enough." I replied heatedly. "This is just my own private war. Nobody stands with me. I don't have the comfort she spoke of when she simply walks into a church for the morning service. That is lost to me."
"You would prefer to be surrounded by people who went through the motions of something they didn't think through?" She asked of me.
"They aren't all like that."
"True. But can you point to which is which? And could you be comfortable there? It seems you walked away, not them."
I shook my head and sat down. "Is there no alternative? Is there nothing for me where I can not be the thinker? Where for just a moment I can just sit down and share?"
"You had that." She replied. I recognized the voice before I even looked up at the face that matched. It was a high priestess I had known. "You turned from that as well. In fact, you destroyed that."
"They were hypocrites." I pointed out in defense.
"They were. She replied, incongruently changing form to the one out of all of them I wouldn't have said that about. "Was knowledge of that alone enough to throw away the comfort you had? To destroy it for them?"
"I didn't do it alone." I continued on the defensive. "And they soon would have done it to themselves."
"You are right." She began changing again as She walked away, forcing me to stand and follow. "Was it inevitable, then, that you would never trust any others after that?"
"Perhaps it was."
"No perhaps." She replied. "It was. Because, for all of their faults, you never danced with them either."
"Maybe because of?" I offered.
"You know better." She stopped at the edge of the cliff, far enough away from the grove and pointed to the vista ahead of us. I just stared for a moment, until She spoke again. "Did no good come out of that grouping, then?"
I remembered that night. Angry. Surprising myself as I realized that it wasn't for the first time. "You came to them. They all saw you, and I didn't. Those hypocrites had a moment that insured them in their minds that they were right, and I had nothing."
"Nothing?" The face was younger now. I recognized it in an instant, and suspected She was playing with me. "Of course I am." She replied. "It is my perogative. But this is important, and she more than any other, is a calming influence."
I waited and stared for a moment on a face from my past. And somewhat my presence. My wife, in high school. I waited to hear what She would say that asked for this ploy.
"I ask you again. Did you get nothing from it?"
"I got a peripheral experience." I nearly pouted. "I knew you were there, but they saw you."
"And what did my presence bring them?"
"Confidence that they were right." I replied.
"What did it bring you?"
"Jealousy."
"Is that all? Did you not also feel reassured that I was there?" She gave me that look that my wife so often gives me. The pin-you-to-the-wall, you-can't-lie-to-me look. "Was there anything else beyond that?"
I thought for a moment, but She spoke before I could come up with an answer. A question that surprised me. "Was there not also anger? Did you not have a reason for your anger?"
"I was angry that they had such a gift before them and such opportunity and they threw it away and corrupted those who would learn from them." I answered.
"So you brought it all down." She began changing again as we stood there. "You freed those who desired to learn from the corruption they offered. You changed nothing for the others, they just moved on. You found a connection to me deeper than before in that moment. You served me. You did it without question and without hesitation."
She walked away and through all of Her changing forms the sadness stood out. I couldn't help but stare for a moment at the circle in the distance.
"Why can't you teach me?" I demanded. "Why must I figure this out on my own? Don't I need someone to dance with?"
The sky lightened for a moment and she looked at me with a smile that nearly melted my bones. "You do learn."
"I try." I replied, somewhat confused. "But I haven't answered anything."
"Can't you dance with me?" She asked.
I didn't have to say no. She didn't have to ask why, because She knew I couldn't answer.
"Do you suppose people file into an auditorium and wait patiently for someone to learn ballet and entertain them?" She asked.
"No."
"The dance comes first, you can't get a dance partner if you can't dance."
"So if I learn how to dance, the church will follow?" I asked.
"Learn. When you learn how to dance, the church will already be there."
"Where is my church?" I demanded of Her.
She laughed. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question?" She asked, turning and walking away.
I hurried over to catch up. Her features and physique were continuing to change, never staying the same for more than a couple of seconds. "Why do you change as soon as I can see who you are at the moment?" I asked.
She wiggled a finger at me. "My question again." She responded.
"Do you plan on just continuously frustrating me?" I demanded.
The shifting stopped. Her clothes were dark and Her face was stern. "That's the third question I could ask of you." She replied. "My patience with that tone does wear short on occasion as well. Ask what you want to know."
I took a deep breath. "I already asked what I wanted to know." I replied.
She smiled and turned, Her form still regal, Her clothes still dark, yet She did not seem as forboding anymore. The humor in Her voice helped to push away some of the chills I hadn't noticed as well. "Fair enough. Ask something I can answer, then."
"Why can't you answer the first question?" I asked as we walked and She began changing forms again.
"You've wondered that for some time." She replied. "But you know that is not a question I can answer for you."
"Is there no answer?" I asked.
"You know there is. You know who must answer." She gestured to Her right. Where the field had been open before, I now saw a clearing at the edge of a forest. Against a cliff. I could hear the surf below. "It is the same question."
I stood for a moment and stared at the scene, then I turned back to Her. Her face was warm, Her figure and attire designed to be comforting. They weren't.
"So if I can't answer that question, I am simply lost?" I asked Her.
"Of course not." She answered with a laugh. "You still know your way here."
"But this isn't enough." I replied heatedly. "This is just my own private war. Nobody stands with me. I don't have the comfort she spoke of when she simply walks into a church for the morning service. That is lost to me."
"You would prefer to be surrounded by people who went through the motions of something they didn't think through?" She asked of me.
"They aren't all like that."
"True. But can you point to which is which? And could you be comfortable there? It seems you walked away, not them."
I shook my head and sat down. "Is there no alternative? Is there nothing for me where I can not be the thinker? Where for just a moment I can just sit down and share?"
"You had that." She replied. I recognized the voice before I even looked up at the face that matched. It was a high priestess I had known. "You turned from that as well. In fact, you destroyed that."
"They were hypocrites." I pointed out in defense.
"They were. She replied, incongruently changing form to the one out of all of them I wouldn't have said that about. "Was knowledge of that alone enough to throw away the comfort you had? To destroy it for them?"
"I didn't do it alone." I continued on the defensive. "And they soon would have done it to themselves."
"You are right." She began changing again as She walked away, forcing me to stand and follow. "Was it inevitable, then, that you would never trust any others after that?"
"Perhaps it was."
"No perhaps." She replied. "It was. Because, for all of their faults, you never danced with them either."
"Maybe because of?" I offered.
"You know better." She stopped at the edge of the cliff, far enough away from the grove and pointed to the vista ahead of us. I just stared for a moment, until She spoke again. "Did no good come out of that grouping, then?"
I remembered that night. Angry. Surprising myself as I realized that it wasn't for the first time. "You came to them. They all saw you, and I didn't. Those hypocrites had a moment that insured them in their minds that they were right, and I had nothing."
"Nothing?" The face was younger now. I recognized it in an instant, and suspected She was playing with me. "Of course I am." She replied. "It is my perogative. But this is important, and she more than any other, is a calming influence."
I waited and stared for a moment on a face from my past. And somewhat my presence. My wife, in high school. I waited to hear what She would say that asked for this ploy.
"I ask you again. Did you get nothing from it?"
"I got a peripheral experience." I nearly pouted. "I knew you were there, but they saw you."
"And what did my presence bring them?"
"Confidence that they were right." I replied.
"What did it bring you?"
"Jealousy."
"Is that all? Did you not also feel reassured that I was there?" She gave me that look that my wife so often gives me. The pin-you-to-the-wall, you-can't-lie-to-me look. "Was there anything else beyond that?"
I thought for a moment, but She spoke before I could come up with an answer. A question that surprised me. "Was there not also anger? Did you not have a reason for your anger?"
"I was angry that they had such a gift before them and such opportunity and they threw it away and corrupted those who would learn from them." I answered.
"So you brought it all down." She began changing again as we stood there. "You freed those who desired to learn from the corruption they offered. You changed nothing for the others, they just moved on. You found a connection to me deeper than before in that moment. You served me. You did it without question and without hesitation."
She walked away and through all of Her changing forms the sadness stood out. I couldn't help but stare for a moment at the circle in the distance.
"Why can't you teach me?" I demanded. "Why must I figure this out on my own? Don't I need someone to dance with?"
The sky lightened for a moment and she looked at me with a smile that nearly melted my bones. "You do learn."
"I try." I replied, somewhat confused. "But I haven't answered anything."
"Can't you dance with me?" She asked.
I didn't have to say no. She didn't have to ask why, because She knew I couldn't answer.
"Do you suppose people file into an auditorium and wait patiently for someone to learn ballet and entertain them?" She asked.
"No."
"The dance comes first, you can't get a dance partner if you can't dance."
"So if I learn how to dance, the church will follow?" I asked.
"Learn. When you learn how to dance, the church will already be there."
Labels: "Mother Post"
posted by Wanderer at 9:56 PM
8 Comments:
You've been griping that you won't dance for years.
Shit or get off the pot.
I don't imagine its exactly your call, MC.
What is it a metaphor for, then?
I'm not saying I have a say, I'm just wondering why for two years now you've said your goddess keeps asking you to dance with her and you keep telling her to slag off.
I always thought you meant it literally, as in a ritual.
I planned on answering you, and still do, when I got your text. That's why I was curious about what you were up to. It's probably good that we didn't hook up since I had to deal with the murderous actions of the resident canine, but I still figure that outside of here I will answer you.
Fair enough. Unfortunately, that cell, belonging to who it does, isn't a 100% reliable way to get ahold of me, though I understand that I was texting you today so it would make you think I had it.
Maybe we can get together Fri?
What did Simba kill? I'm assuming not Emily or you probably wouldn't have been inviting me to stuff, and you don't have a cat. If it was a furry woodland creature, why do you have to deal with it?
It was a cat. Complete with flea collar, though no identification. Why its fight-or-flight reflex told it that launching itself at his face as he came out the door was the right course of action I will never know, yet that was the last wrong decision it ever made. It was kind of surreal, but the end result was understandable. House cat 0, dog 10+ times its size, 1.
As for getting together, how about Friday isn't a bad suggestion, though I don't know what personal discourse will attach. I work til 10p, but I have tickets to a well renowned hypnotist at our local comedy joint at 10:30p. I saw him once before and he is hilarious. Give me or one of my folks a call between now and then and we'll give you the necessary details if you are interested.
Hypnotists are frauds.
I understand it's a comedy act and that no one is purporting it to be real, but it gives me some bad memories.
Sorry about the bad memories. I don't purport it as true either, but I saw this guy once before and he is hilarious. I am going not for the hypnosis thing, but the comedy. I'll call you tomorrow at some point to see if you are interested, or you can call me. Aside from whether or not we check out this show, we should get together some time soon.
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