The White Wolf's Turn From The Church
I can't say that there is a point in my life that I started to turn away from the church. The timeframe that I first realized that the answer I sought weren't going to be found in the church was around the time that I was in Tech School for the Air Force. However, more important than when are the questions I followed out the door. The questions far preceded this point, and they are at the root of the whole issue.
My faith and associated questions therein were strong at an early age. I was in second grade or thereabouts when I began noticing oddities in the church. (Or at least that is the time frame that first comes to mind.) My question at that time was why everyone who prayed after communion managed to finish their conversation with God and stop kneeling at the same time. Shouldn't some of those conversations take longer than others? If not, then they must all be saying the same thing. What then was that thing, and why? Not an extremely deep theological question, but heady for a second grader. Now I am not trying to toot my own horn here, just pointing out the speed and direction of my spiritual evolution.
The next, most significant step to point to is my decision to become an altar boy. (No it isn't one of those stories.) This choice allowed me to be closer to the priests on a regular basis. (I'm really not going there, I promise.) I had read, and continued to read, the bible on a regular basis. Cover to cover. At every opportunity I would present my questions to the priests in order to get a better understanding for when I became one myself. Yep. That's where I was going. I was certain, with no question in my mind, for a long time. So I began my self driven spiritual training from the time I was in fourth grade with every priest or minister that I could corner. I had my questions and I was going to get the answers, to ensure that I was prepared.
Now the problem wasn't precisely what you might expect at this point. For the most part, I did get the answers. In fact, as I progressed in my study I began to anticipate what the answers would be correctly. The problem came when I had issues with the answers. When theologically speaking 1+1=4 was what I was expected to believe. When I realized that I could predict even the answers I found scripturally and theologically unsound, I knew I had a problem. And so I was incorrect, the realization did precede the Air Force. Still, the Air Force time frame was pivotal as well.
I know I seem to be delaying on what those questions were, and spending a lot of time on the background. (The opposite of my normal literary style.) I will get to the heart of it eventually.
When I was in Tech School in the Air Force, I was still looking for the answers. I pushed myself harder, and my position was still basically the same. At this point I wasn't still on the path to being a priest, as I was now engaged to the woman who is now my wife, but I was still strong in my faith. Perhaps a little bit questioning on what that faith was at times, but the strength was there anyway.
On my off time I worked in the chaplain's center. Known as the fishbowl, this was where students would often hang out and where they could go if they needed to speak to the chaplains. I helped to keep the events running in the fishbowl and ran errands for the chaplains. I also spent a lot of time playing chess with some of the chaplains and discussing life and scripture with them. I got along great with them for the most part, but I must say that one particular conversation with one of them did make me stop and think about what the meanings of that which we had discussed all along were.
This came in regards to the discussion I had with the Catholic Chaplain about performing my marriage. I had been engaged to Martha for two years, and dating her for three years before that. Due to the difficulties and time constraints associated with movement to my first permanent duty station, we had discussed bringing her down and having the ceremony in MS. Then we would have a little party back home, but the stress wouldn't be there, and we could just enjoy time with our family before we went to Alaska.
His judgement was that I was too young and that this was the wrong point in my life to be considering marriage. Judgement from a man who had known me for several months. I asked him to talk to the priest back home who had known me my whole life, and knew the background of my relationship with my wife. He told me that this conversation wouldn't matter, it couldn't let him sway his decision. All of this I can still basically deal with. I acquiesced, and simply stated that we would then go along with the original plan to have the wedding when I went home between stations. This is when he informed me that if the priest would do so, then he was doing the wrong thing.
Here we have a priest who can make such a comment about another priest. Without knowing who he was or the circumstances involved. We had a catholic priest that didn't have the base assumption that another Catholic priest probably knew what he was doing.
This led to a realization that should have been more obvious. It had just been indicated to me that graduating from the seminary and being ordained a priest, even of the same order, didn't mean that the man knew what he was talking about. Knowledge of the bible alone apparently didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. Going through the formal training that would allow you to speak on God's behalf didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. The combination of the two didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. Well wait a minute. If this is the case, than what does? How do you know what God wants? How do you know what is right and wrong, if these people who have risen to the rank of shepherd admit by interaction with each other that they can't be certain? You have to come to an understanding of the source, so that you can go to the source to get your answers. At this point I realized that the priests and ministers at best were only auxiliary now to my spiritual growth. I had to look elsewhere and I had to look on my own.
My faith and associated questions therein were strong at an early age. I was in second grade or thereabouts when I began noticing oddities in the church. (Or at least that is the time frame that first comes to mind.) My question at that time was why everyone who prayed after communion managed to finish their conversation with God and stop kneeling at the same time. Shouldn't some of those conversations take longer than others? If not, then they must all be saying the same thing. What then was that thing, and why? Not an extremely deep theological question, but heady for a second grader. Now I am not trying to toot my own horn here, just pointing out the speed and direction of my spiritual evolution.
The next, most significant step to point to is my decision to become an altar boy. (No it isn't one of those stories.) This choice allowed me to be closer to the priests on a regular basis. (I'm really not going there, I promise.) I had read, and continued to read, the bible on a regular basis. Cover to cover. At every opportunity I would present my questions to the priests in order to get a better understanding for when I became one myself. Yep. That's where I was going. I was certain, with no question in my mind, for a long time. So I began my self driven spiritual training from the time I was in fourth grade with every priest or minister that I could corner. I had my questions and I was going to get the answers, to ensure that I was prepared.
Now the problem wasn't precisely what you might expect at this point. For the most part, I did get the answers. In fact, as I progressed in my study I began to anticipate what the answers would be correctly. The problem came when I had issues with the answers. When theologically speaking 1+1=4 was what I was expected to believe. When I realized that I could predict even the answers I found scripturally and theologically unsound, I knew I had a problem. And so I was incorrect, the realization did precede the Air Force. Still, the Air Force time frame was pivotal as well.
I know I seem to be delaying on what those questions were, and spending a lot of time on the background. (The opposite of my normal literary style.) I will get to the heart of it eventually.
When I was in Tech School in the Air Force, I was still looking for the answers. I pushed myself harder, and my position was still basically the same. At this point I wasn't still on the path to being a priest, as I was now engaged to the woman who is now my wife, but I was still strong in my faith. Perhaps a little bit questioning on what that faith was at times, but the strength was there anyway.
On my off time I worked in the chaplain's center. Known as the fishbowl, this was where students would often hang out and where they could go if they needed to speak to the chaplains. I helped to keep the events running in the fishbowl and ran errands for the chaplains. I also spent a lot of time playing chess with some of the chaplains and discussing life and scripture with them. I got along great with them for the most part, but I must say that one particular conversation with one of them did make me stop and think about what the meanings of that which we had discussed all along were.
This came in regards to the discussion I had with the Catholic Chaplain about performing my marriage. I had been engaged to Martha for two years, and dating her for three years before that. Due to the difficulties and time constraints associated with movement to my first permanent duty station, we had discussed bringing her down and having the ceremony in MS. Then we would have a little party back home, but the stress wouldn't be there, and we could just enjoy time with our family before we went to Alaska.
His judgement was that I was too young and that this was the wrong point in my life to be considering marriage. Judgement from a man who had known me for several months. I asked him to talk to the priest back home who had known me my whole life, and knew the background of my relationship with my wife. He told me that this conversation wouldn't matter, it couldn't let him sway his decision. All of this I can still basically deal with. I acquiesced, and simply stated that we would then go along with the original plan to have the wedding when I went home between stations. This is when he informed me that if the priest would do so, then he was doing the wrong thing.
Here we have a priest who can make such a comment about another priest. Without knowing who he was or the circumstances involved. We had a catholic priest that didn't have the base assumption that another Catholic priest probably knew what he was doing.
This led to a realization that should have been more obvious. It had just been indicated to me that graduating from the seminary and being ordained a priest, even of the same order, didn't mean that the man knew what he was talking about. Knowledge of the bible alone apparently didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. Going through the formal training that would allow you to speak on God's behalf didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. The combination of the two didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. Well wait a minute. If this is the case, than what does? How do you know what God wants? How do you know what is right and wrong, if these people who have risen to the rank of shepherd admit by interaction with each other that they can't be certain? You have to come to an understanding of the source, so that you can go to the source to get your answers. At this point I realized that the priests and ministers at best were only auxiliary now to my spiritual growth. I had to look elsewhere and I had to look on my own.
posted by Wanderer at 12:46 PM
2 Comments:
Hey Wanderer,
First of all, thanks for the glimpse into your past. It sounds like it's been an interesting and perhaps painful journey at times - I appreciated the perspective.
You said, "Knowledge of the bible alone apparently didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. Going through the formal training that would allow you to speak on God's behalf didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. The combination of the two didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. Well wait a minute. If this is the case, than what does? How do you know what God wants?"
Good question. I think that, while some things in the Bible are reasonably clear (ie. don't murder, honour your mother and father) and others which are very clear (accepting Jesus as Lord), there are other areas in which it is not clear - indeed, even Paul in Rom 14 allows that what may be sin for some is not sin for others.
It seems to me that the modern church placed an emphasis on having all the answers (a la rationalism); even if you really didn't know for sure you were expected to pick a position and defend it to the death. Which is an unfortunate and unbiblical response.
I think you hit one of the problems of the church square on the head. We've come to consider shepherd to be a high rank, rather than a position of lowest servitude, which is, I believe, what Jesus taught.
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