A Mother's Tears
Putting out my cigarette, I turn to the trash toter to toss the butt away. Across the top of it wanders a ladybug, and as I open the lid to toss the butt in it drops to the ground.
I stand in the middle of the grotto. The jewels wink all about me on the walls around me and over my head. The water laps behind me and the altar lays in front of me. Just like every other time I have been here. Except one thing is missing. She is not here.
Moving around the grotto, more than I ever have before, I seek Her out, and I don't see Her. What I do see is a winding passage off in the corner. A dark passage, unlit by the jewels as the main chamber is. I step into it and feel my way along. The wet walls are my guide as I travel for some time down this corridor. I travel in darkness for some time before the light from an opening ahead allows me to see my way.
I reach the opening and step out into the woods. There is a familiar smell of pine as I walk across the ground toward the light. It is a fire in a clearing below. A clearing that I recognize as I get closer. A fire that I recognize. The stones, the trees, the clearing and the fire are all familiar to me. I have seen them several times before. All is much the same as it has been every time I have ventured out here. All is the same except one thing. Across from me is a log, and it is empty. She is not here.
I begin to panic. Where is She? How could I come to these places and not find Her? How could I come here without intention and not find Her? Confused and concerned, I make my way through the woods once more. I make my way to the top of the rise and down the other side. I feel lost, as truly I am. I don't recognize this portion of the woods. This is not a place I know.
I have no idea how long I have been climbing, when suddenly I stop. Not because I recognize the area. Not because of any recognition of what is going on. The only thing I recognize is that ahead of me, the ground is no more. In the darkness I can't see anything beyond, and I imagine for a moment that there might truly be nothing around me. As if the world has abandoned me, along with Her.
"I abandoned you?" She asks, Her tone incredulous. "Are you sure that is the way that it went?"
"Of course not." I counter quickly, turning to face Her. I can't see her clearly in the night. The moon is nearly full, but her face seems obscured for some reason.
"For some reason." She laughs, though the emotion behind the laugh doesn't seem to be amusement. "I am the reason."
Of course that would be the case. She can manipulate her appearance so I can see her as She wishes.
"Not so much as you imply." She says shortly. "Now explain how it is that I have abandoned you."
"I didn't mean that I thought you literally had, just that it felt that way for a moment." I reply honestly.
"Good. So you understand that such is not a friendly thing to do? To make one feel abandoned?" There is heat in her voice now. My own matches it.
"Are you saying that you hid from me to prove some point, or just to make me feel bad?" I demand.
"Watch yourself." She warns. "I am not in a playful mood right now. You can try to be respectful for once."
A wise suggestion, obviously, but one that would take a little effort to apply right at this moment. "Why did you bring me out here and then hide from me?"
The emotion in Her voice is different as She speaks now. I can't quite place what it is. "You have your facts completely wrong. I didn't hide from you. I have been walking behind you since you came to visit. I didn't bring you here either. You sought me."
"I don't recall seeking you." I admit, not by way of denial. "Perhaps the ladybug led me to think of you."
"Perhaps."
"You were walking behind me the whole time?" I push.
"I was." She answers quietly. "All you had to do was turn around and you would have seen me." The emotion is stronger now, and it brings shivers as I can't put my finger on it.
"You could have let me know you were there at any point." I say, anger rising again. "Were you just toying with me to see what I would do?"
"I waited for you." She says by way of response. "You never came."
"What do you mean I never came?" I ask Her. "I was the one wandering around wondering where you were."
"Not tonight." She replies, anger mixing with that something else for just a moment. "I mean the Sunday before last."
I do a quick calculation in my mind. Sunday before last. Beltane. I shake my head. "I was tired."
"A simple excuse." Her voice is still quiet.
"I had to work. I have a family to take care of, a child to raise. I don't see you stepping in and making that any easier." I snap at Her angrily.
"I am always working." She fires back. "And what have you done lately to help me care for my children?"
I am slightly taken aback at that and just look at Her. "I do what I can do, and I try to balance my life and my spirituality. I may not hit all of the ceremonial points every time, I may not make a big deal out of every Sabbatt and Esbat, but I do my best. I acknowledged the day. I did my small part. I even posted on it for others to share. What else would you have had me do?" I become increasingly agitated as I go through all of this. As if I am missing something. Several somethings.
"I would have had you dance." She replies.
"I don't dance." I answer Her offhand, my voice rising with agitation. I lower it again. "We both know that."
"You dance with me on Beltane!" She yells back. The pack, whom I haven't noticed until now howls in fear and disapproval. A note of sadness hangs in the air as well. Her voice is much quieter as She says, "I waited for you to come and dance. You never showed. I understood the difficulties of that day, but you didn't come late either. You just never came. You didn't dance."
The emotion in Her voice hits me in the chest like a sledgehammer as I finally realize what it is. With that simple recognition, Her face comes into view, and I can see the tears running down Her face.
"It was beyond my control on that night. Things got out of hand in my life. I didn't turn my back on you, I was just trying to do what needs to be done." I try to explain in anyway possible to make sure She understands. Why on earth is She crying?
"What do you want me to say?" She asks quietly. "That you are right? That you aren't that important. You are right, and you couldn't be more wrong."
"I don't understand." I say truthfully. "I do what I can, but I am far from having the answers. I never realized that I danced on Beltane. Perhaps that scared me, although I don't think so. I think that mentally and physically I have just been too tired. " I shake my head. "I still don't understand why this is such an important issue though."
Her voice is still sad, but the tears are gone. "I know that you don't understand. The answer is in the question, and in keeping with the agreement you called upon a couple of weeks ago, one that we never actually made, I won't ask that question tonight. You have three days. Three days until I ask a question you neither understand, nor can answer. You will leave angry again, and I may wait another year to dance with you, unless you have given up even that day."
She turns to walk away, leaving the questions in my mind far from answered. "Where are you going?" I demand, willing Her to return and help me understand. She keeps walking.
"I have children to feed, watch over, and take care of." She replies sarcastically. "I don't see you doing anything to help me out."
I stand in the middle of the grotto. The jewels wink all about me on the walls around me and over my head. The water laps behind me and the altar lays in front of me. Just like every other time I have been here. Except one thing is missing. She is not here.
Moving around the grotto, more than I ever have before, I seek Her out, and I don't see Her. What I do see is a winding passage off in the corner. A dark passage, unlit by the jewels as the main chamber is. I step into it and feel my way along. The wet walls are my guide as I travel for some time down this corridor. I travel in darkness for some time before the light from an opening ahead allows me to see my way.
I reach the opening and step out into the woods. There is a familiar smell of pine as I walk across the ground toward the light. It is a fire in a clearing below. A clearing that I recognize as I get closer. A fire that I recognize. The stones, the trees, the clearing and the fire are all familiar to me. I have seen them several times before. All is much the same as it has been every time I have ventured out here. All is the same except one thing. Across from me is a log, and it is empty. She is not here.
I begin to panic. Where is She? How could I come to these places and not find Her? How could I come here without intention and not find Her? Confused and concerned, I make my way through the woods once more. I make my way to the top of the rise and down the other side. I feel lost, as truly I am. I don't recognize this portion of the woods. This is not a place I know.
I have no idea how long I have been climbing, when suddenly I stop. Not because I recognize the area. Not because of any recognition of what is going on. The only thing I recognize is that ahead of me, the ground is no more. In the darkness I can't see anything beyond, and I imagine for a moment that there might truly be nothing around me. As if the world has abandoned me, along with Her.
"I abandoned you?" She asks, Her tone incredulous. "Are you sure that is the way that it went?"
"Of course not." I counter quickly, turning to face Her. I can't see her clearly in the night. The moon is nearly full, but her face seems obscured for some reason.
"For some reason." She laughs, though the emotion behind the laugh doesn't seem to be amusement. "I am the reason."
Of course that would be the case. She can manipulate her appearance so I can see her as She wishes.
"Not so much as you imply." She says shortly. "Now explain how it is that I have abandoned you."
"I didn't mean that I thought you literally had, just that it felt that way for a moment." I reply honestly.
"Good. So you understand that such is not a friendly thing to do? To make one feel abandoned?" There is heat in her voice now. My own matches it.
"Are you saying that you hid from me to prove some point, or just to make me feel bad?" I demand.
"Watch yourself." She warns. "I am not in a playful mood right now. You can try to be respectful for once."
A wise suggestion, obviously, but one that would take a little effort to apply right at this moment. "Why did you bring me out here and then hide from me?"
The emotion in Her voice is different as She speaks now. I can't quite place what it is. "You have your facts completely wrong. I didn't hide from you. I have been walking behind you since you came to visit. I didn't bring you here either. You sought me."
"I don't recall seeking you." I admit, not by way of denial. "Perhaps the ladybug led me to think of you."
"Perhaps."
"You were walking behind me the whole time?" I push.
"I was." She answers quietly. "All you had to do was turn around and you would have seen me." The emotion is stronger now, and it brings shivers as I can't put my finger on it.
"You could have let me know you were there at any point." I say, anger rising again. "Were you just toying with me to see what I would do?"
"I waited for you." She says by way of response. "You never came."
"What do you mean I never came?" I ask Her. "I was the one wandering around wondering where you were."
"Not tonight." She replies, anger mixing with that something else for just a moment. "I mean the Sunday before last."
I do a quick calculation in my mind. Sunday before last. Beltane. I shake my head. "I was tired."
"A simple excuse." Her voice is still quiet.
"I had to work. I have a family to take care of, a child to raise. I don't see you stepping in and making that any easier." I snap at Her angrily.
"I am always working." She fires back. "And what have you done lately to help me care for my children?"
I am slightly taken aback at that and just look at Her. "I do what I can do, and I try to balance my life and my spirituality. I may not hit all of the ceremonial points every time, I may not make a big deal out of every Sabbatt and Esbat, but I do my best. I acknowledged the day. I did my small part. I even posted on it for others to share. What else would you have had me do?" I become increasingly agitated as I go through all of this. As if I am missing something. Several somethings.
"I would have had you dance." She replies.
"I don't dance." I answer Her offhand, my voice rising with agitation. I lower it again. "We both know that."
"You dance with me on Beltane!" She yells back. The pack, whom I haven't noticed until now howls in fear and disapproval. A note of sadness hangs in the air as well. Her voice is much quieter as She says, "I waited for you to come and dance. You never showed. I understood the difficulties of that day, but you didn't come late either. You just never came. You didn't dance."
The emotion in Her voice hits me in the chest like a sledgehammer as I finally realize what it is. With that simple recognition, Her face comes into view, and I can see the tears running down Her face.
"It was beyond my control on that night. Things got out of hand in my life. I didn't turn my back on you, I was just trying to do what needs to be done." I try to explain in anyway possible to make sure She understands. Why on earth is She crying?
"What do you want me to say?" She asks quietly. "That you are right? That you aren't that important. You are right, and you couldn't be more wrong."
"I don't understand." I say truthfully. "I do what I can, but I am far from having the answers. I never realized that I danced on Beltane. Perhaps that scared me, although I don't think so. I think that mentally and physically I have just been too tired. " I shake my head. "I still don't understand why this is such an important issue though."
Her voice is still sad, but the tears are gone. "I know that you don't understand. The answer is in the question, and in keeping with the agreement you called upon a couple of weeks ago, one that we never actually made, I won't ask that question tonight. You have three days. Three days until I ask a question you neither understand, nor can answer. You will leave angry again, and I may wait another year to dance with you, unless you have given up even that day."
She turns to walk away, leaving the questions in my mind far from answered. "Where are you going?" I demand, willing Her to return and help me understand. She keeps walking.
"I have children to feed, watch over, and take care of." She replies sarcastically. "I don't see you doing anything to help me out."
Labels: "Mother Post"
posted by Wanderer at 9:55 PM
16 Comments:
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I find your encounters with the Lady very intense. I wish I could go there...i feel chained down by reality.
MaryEllen, I was going to give you a call tonight, specifically about this last comment of yours among others, but reality set in a bit for me in the form of disallowing me freedom to call until this late hour. Perhaps in the next day or so I will do so.
my first thought was that my LORD doesn't just seek to dance with me on high holy days, but every day.
i wondered for a while why i couldn't have such intimate encounters with Him as you do with Her. i think it is because He is too real. remember what i said about being chained down by reality? oh yes, there it is right there...but when your God is real, than reality isn't such a bad thing.
i was thinking of you and Her Friday night as we drove home...a rainbow to the east, a golden sunrise to the west. i wondered what you would think of such a brown and barren place. i wondered what form She would take in such a place. i see you in New York, where it is lush and green and wet.
i used to think that Colorado was brown, until I came here.
but then i remembered She has a name here and an identity. there is a sub-group here, i found by accident, who "worship" Isis. i found that strange. The Navajo call her Spider Woman (not Peter Parker). She has given the Navajo Women the gift of weaving.
Yet ultimately She is one who distracts the creatures from the Creator, who promises to be whoever you need her to be, while He continues to declare "I Am".
On mother's day, Art and ARDY went to the store after church and I asked them to drop me off by the River. It's not the Genesee, but it is flowing water, and there are nice gnarled trees growing along it's bank. I just sat there, listening to the sound of the rushing water, it was very peaceful. I found the Shalom I had been longing for. Blessings...
Given that you turned away from Her, it is not surprising to me that you summarily misunderstood nearly everything that was written here. (Of course, I must admit, the fault could also lie at least in part in my own personal translation.)
As such, let me address this comment:
"my first thought was that my LORD doesn't just seek to dance with me on high holy days, but every day."
She didn't say that this was the only time that She wanted to dance. If you reference Lessons Unlearned as She did in this and the preceding post you will see that Her problem was that I wouldn't dance with her, except for on this day.
Consider the concept that you have a child whom you only hear from one day a year. You want to hear from them more often, but you still look forward to that day. Then on that day, they do not call. This is what was being addressed here.
"i wondered for a while why i couldn't have such intimate encounters with Him as you do with Her. i think it is because He is too real. remember what i said about being chained down by reality? oh yes, there it is right there...but when your God is real, than reality isn't such a bad thing."
Perhaps that is why I don't have any problems having these intimate conversations with Her. When your Goddess is real, it is a lot easier to talk to her.
"i wondered what you would think of such a brown and barren place."
Henderson and Las Vegas, NV weren't exactly lush either. You forget I am not from Rochester.
"She has a name here and an identity. there is a sub-group here, i found by accident, who 'worship' Isis. i found that strange."
A couple of comments. First, I am mildly curious about the quotes around the word "worship". Even if you believe it a false god that is being worshipped, the activity still wouldn't be called into question. If you worship Papa Smurf, your worship him. You don't "worship" him.
Second, why the surprise? You do realize that Jesus isn't any more indigenous to NM than Isis, don't you? Also bear in mind that Isis is from Egypt, a desert region. Not surprising then that this deity might translate in another desert culture.
"Yet ultimately She is one who distracts the creatures from the Creator, who promises to be whoever you need her to be, while He continues to declare 'I Am'."
My response to this has to be tempered by the fact that I don't know if the She referred to here is Spider Woman, or She whom I refer to in this post.
I know nothing about the practices in regards to Spider Woman. I do know that I have never indicated, nor do I believe, that She is whatever I, or anyone else, wants her to be. She is unapologetically who She is. If you want a reminder of the examples I have shown to this effect, look here.
Despite the fact that I don't understand much as far as how you interpreted what you did from this post, I do appreciate the fact that you did finally respond as you indicated you were going to. I was beginning to wonder if you had changed your mind.
are all goddesses one goddess or are there many?
"quotes" around worship because I'm not sure they would refer to their activities as worship. Are the words "ritual" and "worship" synonyms? Is spell casting worship?
remember in your other post about the Mother talking about forgiveness and She told you that you were creating the flowers...i need to go back there, it seems that she was telling you that you see her as you expect to see her.
As my mind is clearing from this nasty conjestion, my ideas, thoughts, words are beginning to flow again, but not yet so clearly I'm afraid.
"are all goddesses one goddess or are there many?"
They are all just different aspects of the same entity.
"Are the words 'ritual' and 'worship' synonyms? Is spell casting worship?"
Not necessarily, so your meaning is understood here.
"remember in your other post about the Mother talking about forgiveness and She told you that you were creating the flowers...i need to go back there, it seems that she was telling you that you see her as you expect to see her."
No, She was saying that the way I saw Her at any given point was colored by what I thought of Her. This would not actually change who She was. Consider the fact that people such as Art and myself have a wild appearance that might worry or frighten people we didn't know as we approached. Those closest to us would not have this fear. We are the same person in each case, but that doesn't mean we are seen that way.
If I were to identify Her based on Her traits, and what She does, I could just as easily focus on the cycle of death as on the cycle of life. The point made there was that my love for Her colored what I saw, and that made Her happy.
OK, the way you see Her is colored by what you think of her...I think I see the difference.
Still She is very confusing to me because She has so many names and so many facets.
Yahweh - one name, one book (well 66 books, one collection but they tie together pretty well) I'm sorry if this seems like I'm getting into the "my god is better than yours" mode again.
But again I'm thinking back to the time when I called out in the night - I don't even know your name. And at that moment I thought I was calling out to Her, because She was pretty fresh in my mind, but my pagan friends didn't have a name for her...and the answer I got was audible
"What do you mean you don't know my name. I'm Jesus. The same Jesus you prayed to as a little girl,and I've been waiting all this time for you to come back to me."
So I did.
But sometimes, reading your stuff, I wonder why He answered me and She didn't.
"OK, the way you see Her is colored by what you think of her...I think I see the difference."
"But sometimes, reading your stuff, I wonder why He answered me and She didn't."
Have you considered that this first segment may have had an impact on the second?
As for your "Yahweh-one name, one book": How many variations are there of the bible? Out of those that use the same translation, how many disagreements do we have between one preacher and the next about what God really means? Sure, you have a nice big book there, and you have one name to refer to Him by. From where I am sitting, that hasn't done anything to clear up the confusion.
translations are not the same as variations. Still one collection of books to make up THE book. False teachers? Surely there are people out there who teach falsly about Her. Does that make her truth any less true?
as for your first statement - I was at the time very open to discovering more about Her. I was beyond even considering Christianity as an option.
either voice could have spoken to me, I expected Her's, I heard His.
I plan on answering this more carefully than I can with all of the distractions at work. If I can't get to it tonight, I will try tomorrow. I have thoughts that I can't quite form while busy doing my job.
"False teachers? Surely there are people out there who teach falsly about Her. Does that make her truth any less true?"
Absolutely not, but I must admit I am being slightly thrown for a loop on this PC and proving by comparison route that we are taking. It seems this is one of my points, and now you use it in comparison to your position. I think we are in agreement, basically, with the base value we apply this to being different. I will go out on a limb though and say that I was implying that there were false teachers in those camps that identify with you, not attacking the truth behind your beliefs. As such, I take this as a reiteration of my position.
"as for your first statement - I was at the time very open to discovering more about Her. I was beyond even considering Christianity as an option.
either voice could have spoken to me, I expected Her's, I heard His."
Here I must argue. First, you could not have been beyond considering it as an option. You returned. Thus, this return wasn't beyond being an option. Second, I know for a fact (based on my trust in your honesty and truthfulness in dealing with me) that you were having questions about Her, as some of your teachers in this arena were teaching things that you could not accept.
I know that to Her the works are more than the words. Given what you have presented to me of the circumstances you had faced to this point, it doesn't surprise me that She would have Him answer you, instead of answering Herself. One path offered you legitemate teachers who could lead you properly, the other, at that time, did not. I truly believe She gave you what you were looking for because that was the best thing for you and Her plans at the time.
once my son got into a debate about other religions. his take was Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Light...
their take was all religions lead to God. His conclusion was, God is not Schizophrenic. He does not play favorites. He does not put unfair limitations on one people group, and release another to what ever feels good. If God Is...than God Is...
the declaration to Moses: I am what I am. Makes a lot of sense to me.
I believe I heard his voice because I had people praying that I could be rescued from the darkness. I did not know about those prayers until months after I said Yes to Jesus.
Then your take would be that I didn't hear His voice because nobody thought to pray for me?
I have had these discussions with Ardy myself. He never fully fleshed them out. Most importantly because it ignores one concept there-in: namely whether the added restrictions of one religion are God or man-made, and the same applied to the lesser of another. I believe many paths lead to the same truth. That doesn't mean I believe all religious practices to be completely correct.
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