Saturday, January 28, 2006

Mosquitoes Land Here

This post isn't actually even a post. It is just a place for the mosquito to park a rather lengthy comment he told me he planned on leaving that has nothing to do with any of the posts out here.

It will be a glimpse of a mosquito's life, or something close to it.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Well how about that

An interesting article.

An odd story about the end of a life, or something close to it.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

A White Wolf's Purpose (Take two)

In comment to the original post, it was mentioned that there might be a similarity between us as God's creation and children as the creation of their parents. The Christians have played off of this thought process, their writers even being arrogant enough to indicate that we were created in God's image. Arrogant indeed, but I am not saying I don't believe this is true.

Let's look at the origin thing again. We exist for a reason that we don't know, and quite probably never will. Yet so many of us still find ourselves reaching out to answer that question. This being so even though quite literally each of us could define our own specific existence by biology and the existence of our parents. How do you suppose we would react if we didn't even have them to look to?

Suppose either scenario. That Goddess always existed. That there was never a point when she didn't. Or consider that she just happens to be the first thing, out of which the rest of us were created. In either case, might it stand to reason, similar to our own status, that she might also be curious as to where she came from, why she was, or how she happened?

How many of you saw that cast away movie with Tom Hanks? The one where he finds comfort in a volleyball? Being alone, he sought company. Similarly speaking, one might expect that the Goddess would have created for the purpose of company. Note that Tom Hanks' character even argues with the ball. Why do we have free will? Because part of good company is differing ideas and disagreement.

Now consider that beyond the purpose of company there might be another issue. One of science. How much do we try to recreate as part of our scientific process? Might one of the goals of our evolution, and ability to learn, create, and effect our own evolution, be the desire to set a course in action that might eventually explain her own existence?

Many such possibilities exist, but I will leave this theory out there for now. Our purpose is a great topic to explore and I hope to get some decent feedback from you folks. In the next few days I will move past this and moce to the next segment. The Bible. Until then, please continue to speculate on this and other questions within your life, or something close to it.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

More Crap To Be Found Out There

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Wanderer!

  1. Wanderer can turn his stomach inside out.
  2. If you break Wanderer, you will get seven years of bad luck.
  3. The pharoahs of ancient Egypt wore garments made with thin threads of beaten Wanderer.
  4. Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of Wanderer!
  5. Wanderer was banned from Finland because of not wearing pants.
  6. You share your birthday with Wanderer.
  7. While sleeping, fifteen percent of men snore, and ten percent grind their Wanderer!
  8. Wanderer is actually a mammal, not a fish.
  9. Wearing headphones for an hour will increase the amount of Wanderer in your ear 700 times.
  10. Wanderer was named after Wanderer the taxi driver in Frank Capra's 'It's a Wonderful Life'.
I am interested in - do tell me about


I also found this: I am worth $2,554,778 on HumanForSale.com

Pointless labels about my life or something close to it.

Political Quiz

You scored as Green Politics. You are a Green!
You beleive in emphasizing environmental issues and that it is important to protect wildlife.

Democratic Socialist

100%

Green Politics

100%

Liberatarian

100%

Centrist

100%

Liberal

83%

Nationalist

42%

Communist

33%

Conservative

17%

What is your political ideology?
created with QuizFarm.com


So there is my political life, or something close to it.

A White Wolf's Purpose

Another question, beyond the good and evil issue is the deeper question many philosophers have tackled for centuries. What is our purpose here? Do we even have one?

Now the Catholics at least will state that our purpose is to glorify God. I have heard others say so as well. Now this seems to me to be one of the least thought out theological responses I have ever gotten to any of my questions, but lets dig deeper into it to see if that changes.

How do we glorify God? Are we glorifying God as in a declaration of his glory, or is our existence supposed to prove the Glory of God? I suppose one could make an argument for both being true. Of course there is a wrench to throw into the mix.

Who are we glorifying God to? If we are proving the glory of God, who is watching that needs to see this demonstration? If we are declaring it, who are we declaring it to?

One would imagine that God already knows who he is and what he is capable of. Even if he were uncertain, would he take validation from that which he created? A two year old will think his father is impressive even if all of his father's contemporaries see that there is nothing spectacular about him. The two year old has limitations in physical capabilities and in knowledge, so he is not a good judge. As such, the man isn't going to gain a lot of confidence from the glorification from an infant. Similarly one can assume that us telling God he is awesome isn't necessary for God's self esteem.

Now why does the man in our example need the boost from somewhere? Because he is measuring himself up against his contemporaries. Who are God's contemporaries? Who is it that he is measuring up to that he needs to prove himself? No one. He is at the very top of the chain. So there is no proof necessary that we can provide to show God that he is even better than he thought he was. We can not offer this glorification that is supposedly our purpose.

This being the case, were we created for a purpose that we cannot achieve? Or is this glorification in fact not why we are here? If the latter is true, then why are we here?

If we are going to look at the "why are we" we should probably look at the "what are we." We are a creature. One of many creatures on this planet. We do have some unique characteristics though. We have opposable thumbs. We have minds that rationalize, categorize and plan. We create. We are also the least dependant on our environment. Amongst other creatures, if their environment is unsuitable they can't thrive there. We invent so that we can withstand the environmental strictures, or we change the environment ourselves.

If we are going to look at ourselves as a functional part of a plan, we must assume that our purpose lies within that which we are uniquely capable of. We can change, build, destroy or maintain that which is our environment. Our impacts on this environment have a direct effect on every other creature's ability to survive. In short, if what only we can do must in fact be what we were meant to do, that would make us stewards. That would put us in charge of keeping the balance within which the rest of the environment thrives.

Why us though? Why couldn't God maintain this balance himself? Undoubtedly he could, so then, why didn't he? This would lead toward the possibility that there is a secondary purpose as well. Before I get onto my thoughts on what this plan might be, I would be interested in what your thoughts are so far.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Matrix Quiz Revisited

I remember taking one of the same premise (if not the same one) a few years ago with a different result at the time. I seem to think I aimed for a certain answer to annoy a friend of mine, and succeeded, rather than actually answer the questions. However, here it is. Feel free to play along or just go on about your life, or something close to it.

You are Morpheus-
You are Morpheus, from "The Matrix." You
have strong faith in yourself and those around
you. A true leader, you are relentless in your
persuit.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Lots O' Links

I linked the blogs most commonly visited by me on the right. If the link doesn't work, it is your link and you don't want it there, or you would prefer it moved to one of the other categories, feel free to comment here to that effect. The order for the most part has no real relevance.

So there you have the windows I peek through to get a glimpse of someone else's life, or something close to it.

A Disappointed Mother

I appreciate the fact that you call it "Intelligent Design." However, the argument is pointless. Why do you worry so much about where you came from when you seem to struggle so much with what to do with where you are now? Some of you believe in your various creation stories. Some of you believe in evolution. Amongst the latter group some of you believe I did it on purpose, some of you believe it just happened. What difference does it make? Ultimately, if you trace it back far enough, your origins begin with an unexplainable event, no matter what you believe.

The next time you want to complain at someone for being unable to explain the original event, try explaining me. Does it not occur to you that there is only a minor difference between whether the universe just suddenly exploded into being or whether I crafted it? It only adds a single step. For if I am the source, where is mine? If there was none before me to engineer my existence, does it not then follow that I was an accident? That I just happened?

Again I tell you, though, that you shouldn't concern yourself with this. What you should concern yourself with is what I see happening in the world all around you. I don't like a lot of what I see here.

It has been said by some among you that I am dead. I am not. Some among you have written stories of worlds abandoned by the Gods. I have not abandoned you. Yet within this concept is a hint about what you should be considering. You should consider it because many of you would have done so if you were me. Many of you have in fact abandoned your fellow man.

Some of you look at horrific stories in the news and wonder where I have gone. What makes you think I wasn't there? Who do you think it is that cries while you change the channel to something less depressing? Before you point any fingers, though, you must remember that I am not the one who pulled the trigger. I am not the one who built the bombs. It is my children who are killing my children. Not me.

Some of you accuse me of engineering disasters that kill thousands. You even give reasons for why I would have done so. Did I kill those people in the gulf coast? Did I kill those people in Asia? I will tell you that you do not have the right to ask me that question. I will also tell you why.

The weather systems of this planet act just like all of the other systems. I created rules. I created how these things worked. You could have chosen over the thousands of years you have had to pursue the technology necessary to protect you from these disasters. You could have found ways to try and tame the planet. You chose instead to focus on things that entertain you and on things that kill other people. Many of your best minds decided to figure out how to obliterate a city rather than determine how to feed it. You kill each other by the thousands every day and you would question me if I actually tried to get your attention back to the things that matter in such a way. I will not tell you if it was a test. I will tell you that it would be better if it wasn't, because as a whole, you would have failed.

I gave you this world. I gave you the ability to subdue it. I gave you the ability to moderate or subjugate. I gave you the ability to help or destroy. You have made your decisions. I gave you the free will to do so. Why? Because you are supposed to be the caretakers of this world, and because you are supposed to evolve. You aren't doing either.

I didn't give you free will so that you could choose me freely, or love me freely. If you truly love me, I appreciate it. Yet if given the option, I would prefer you worked together without consideration of me than working against each other while spouting off my names.

Those names. Will you stop arguing with each other over what my name is? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because no matter how many times you declare it, it won't change whether you live as I would have you live or you don't. I don't care what you call me. I don't even care if you believe in me. I have known a number of atheists who have lived lives better than those of you who call to me every night.

Bear in mind the fact that the unicorn doesn't care if you believe in him any more than you care if he believes in you.

I am a little different in that if I believe in you I can offer you something. Still, I know you exist, and if I needed them to know I did, I would stop by. Many of those atheists are living better lives than the rest of you folks who pray to me in all of my names. They do so because they realize they are responsible for each other. If it takes a lack of belief in me to make you care for each other, or if belief in me means you just expect me to handle it, then I have something to tell you. It's very important:
I don't exist.

I didn't create this world so that you could murder each other over items of clothing. I didn't create this world so that young children could compare notes on shootings that happened in their own houses. I didn't create you to abuse, torture and kill one another for your own personal gain. Those were all your ideas. Now you do what you need to do, but if you want me to return, if you want me to stop in and say, 'You're doing a good job, now let me help with some of the more complicated issues' then you have your work ahead of you. You have some cleaning up to do. Your house is a mess, and I am not walking in there.

You imagine a utopia where I return and walk amongst you and we all live in harmony. You have the wrong idea. You assume this means that one day I will clean house, fix everything up, and the trial will be over. There is no trial. This is the real thing. The "heaven" that you predict is not to be built by me. It is to be built by you. Build it, and I will come to you. In the mean time, if you want to trash every gift I gave you, then so be it. I will leave you to it. I will wait. I will watch. On occasion I will even interfere. I predict for the most part, however, what I will do is cry.

Labels:

The White Wolf's Questions Begin

There has been a delay in addressing this subject based on several points. I have been trying to come up with a cohesive order, both to address the chronology of my journey, and assist in properly following it from an outsider's perspective. This is difficult to do, since the mind doesn't focus on individual questions at a time. In fact, one of the issues that led to me searching elsewhere is based on the complexities and interconnectedness of a multitude of questions spawning from what one would think should be simple.

If it seems at times that I am approaching this thing from the middle or putting the cart before the horse, it is because I am trying to untie this Gordian knot. Feel free to ask for clarification. At points the comment sections will probably be more illuminating than the posts.

I expect that some of you will attempt to address how the church could address these questions, in fact I have specifically invited some of you to do so, but I will make two assertions on this point. First, don't quote the bible at me and expect the verse to stand alone. If you quote a verse, accompany it with your own assertion or explanation. Second, expect me to question you. I don't expect you to have all of the answers, but I also don't expect you to take offense to me questioning what you say.

To begin with the questions. I will start with one of the simple and common questions. Did God create evil? Now this is addressed in several different ways, all variant explanations accompanying the answer no.

Many will state that God created the world without evil, but that Satan corrupted it. Others state specifically that evil was brought about by the fall of man. I've received many such responses, but all of them pretty much point to the same thing. It wasn't God's fault. It just happened, or was introduced from elsewhere. There are several problems with this theory.

The primary question that influences how to address this issue happens to be one of my favorites. It has also spurred some of the most heated debates on every other blog I have seen address it. Now it is my turn. You ready? Is God omniscient, and does this mean he knows every thought, action and decision that every man will ever make?

I have addressed my opinions on this subject here. I will get back to it again in the context of this series. Right now, however, I will merely address how it applies to the question of the origin of evil.

On one hand, evil came into being as an unforeseen consequence of God's creation. On the other hand, it was a foreseen part of God's plan. If you accept the first answer, you are done with the question of where evil came from. Now you must simply wrestle with the implications of the possibility of something happening that God didn't originally plan for, and address why evil was allowed to continue to be. If you believe the second option, that evil was a part of the design, again one is led to ask why.

Now we seem to get to sticky territory. A loving God allows evil to exist. Simplest solution? Blame man. It's that darn free will. God allows us to make our own decisions. Even those that make bad things happen to good people. Sounds good. Now all we have to do is explain why free will? Not really touching that one just yet. It will take up more space on its own that the rest of this post, and I would like to lay down some more background before I tackle it.

Still, we should address the base questions. Did God expect evil? Whether expected or not, why does God let it happen? Leaving it on a question I am not ready to delve into just seems a little inappropriate.

This is where we run the risk of appearing disjointed, but I figure that part of the purpose of this series is to illustrate what answers I have arrived ad. I am not yet detailing my theological foundations, but this doesn't me you should presume my conclusions have no basis. (Perhaps not one you would agree with, but it is generally there.) Feel free to ask.

Did God create evil? Not precisely. The Goddess created a world within which was man. Man is unique in his ability to rationalize, dream, create and impact upon his environment. Part of his unique makeup involves the capability to do that which is seen as evil. The thing to bear in mind, though, is that nobody sets out to do evil. They all justify their actions. They all think it is right, it is necessary, or that they have no choice. There is no Dr. Evil out there in search of a world full of evil petting zoos.

So then the question becomes, why would she create a world full of individuals who are unique and variable enough that they were capable of disagreement? Even violent disagreement. We approach the free will discussion again.

Did she know that these possibilities existed? Perhaps not in detail, but yes. Why then allow it to be so? Because that which allows us to do these things to each other is also what is necessary for us to fill the role we serve. Why doesn't she intervene more to protect the innocent? The answer to this is addressed here.

And your thoughts are?

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The Cold Moon

The Cold Moon became full at 04:48 EST today. It will rise over Rochester at 17:07 and set again at 08:48 Sunday. While generally I would go into detail as to the reason for the name of the moon, I think this one is probably self explanatory.

MaryEllen, the moon should rise in your neighborhood around 5:37pm your local time and set at 8:34am Sunday.

I have the next post in my series written up, but don't have time to post it now. Look for it in the next day or two.

Now I am off to work for the bread that sustains my life, or something close to it.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

This One Is Particularly Dumb

Okay, so I found this here. (Not that I am knocking her, she has a really great site, and I posted it too.) Still, this is about as dumb as they have gotten so far. It really rivals the underwear one I posted earlier.

Your Inner Blood Type is Type O

You are outgoing, gregarious, and well loved.
And it's a good thing you're super charming...
Because you also tend to be a bit flaky!
Your confidence gets your far, and you always speak your mind.

You are most compatible with: O and AB

Famous Type O's: John Lennon and Elvis


Inner blood type? I don't have any outer blood, and despite how I answered the questions, my blood type is B. Unless it changed based on my answers to the questions, but I doubt it. I suspect, while this was kind of a cute concept, the creator of this quiz needs a life, or something close to it.

Chuck Norris Anyone?

Cindy has pointed out an interesting and informative group of facts about Chuck Norris.
Not sure what impact it will have on your life or something close to it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

What One Person Knows

Now I must say that my playing around looking at the stat counter raises some odd questions as well as providing useful information. Like the question that only one person would have the answer for, and only if they ever return.

What would prompt someone in Ecuador to do a google search of my blog address? I mean the entire address, not just keywords? One of the mysteries of life or something close to it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Seven Years

Yesterday was my anniversary. I've been married for seven years. We went out Saturday night due to our work schedules yesterday interfering. One of the things that we talked about was how much has changed and how much has stayed the same in the past seven years. How is your life different than it was seven years ago, and how is it the same?

Just some reflections on life or something close to it.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Okay So There Is A Lot Of Weird Pointless Stuff Out There

Okay, I found this odd little thing. I found it here. I released the minions for quite a while. I need a life, or something close to it.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Pictures that were promised in July

Okay, here are the tattoos. One I have had for years. (Two sort of, the moons came six months after the rest.) The other I told you folks all about here and promised pictures of. I was going to post these back on one of those posts, but I can't figure out how to edit a post without losing the comments, so I will just link back. (A process I will probably do again when my tattoos are further mentioned in White Wolf's continuing journey into himself.

The original(s):



And here is the more recent one that I mentioned in the above linked post back in July:



This one, which you see above and below actually covers the greater portion of my back, but I was kind enough to keep the uninked portion of my back out of the pictures. Honestly, noone needs to see that. :)



For the inspiration of this artwork see here. This is the writing from which the artist worked to create this picture.

All tattoos I have were done by Gooch. The design was done by Heather Niggli. (An exceptional artist that I have unfortunately lost contact with. If I find a link to her work I will add it.)

So there you have an illustrated look at my life, or something close to it.

New Toys

And if you look to your right and scroll down a little bit, I can now proudly introduce the weather pixie. Just in case any of you have a curiousity about what the weather is like around here, she will give you a nice little graphic to give you the general idea. So now you can know how cold it is in my life, or something close to it.

The Way The Mind Works

Isn't it interesting that we will sometimes go to great lengths to do something of little consequence, yet be a lot less willing to do something simple, necessary, yet annoying?

Example: On average my wife has to remind me two or three times to take the trash out before I get around to doing it. (Yeah, I am a great husband like that.) This isn't a difficult thing to do. Simply take the bag out of the trash can and take it with me when I go out to smoke, yet for some reason I put it off.

On the flip side, there are perfectly pointless things, like shuffling poker chips. A skill that is not highly complicated, but takes a little practice. I practiced a lot to learn how to do it. Now I am pretty good at it. Yet, now I do it out of some compulsion, or repeated desire to prove to myself that I can. I sit around watching tv and shuffling the poker chips with my right hand. Reading blogs, I shuffle with my right hand. Talking to my wife, I shuffle them absently with my right hand. Always the right hand, I can't seem to pull it off with my left yet, which is odd since I am left handed.

Now I type for a living and have carpel tunnel. So after several hours of shuffling, my right wrist is inflamed, and pain is shooting up my arm with each shuffle. Yet I keep doing it! Common sense would tell me that stopping for a while would be a good idea, but I don't. Even though the action is accomplishing nothing. Even though the trash still waits. And so continues an OCD moment in my life, or something close to it.

Interesting Things A Stat Counter Can Tell You

I have been roaming around the various statcounter records. (For those of you who don't know, StatCounter is more than that little number at the bottom of the main page. It also tracks a myriad of little details that I have no real practical use for.)

Such as:

Cindy Bryan is at this point the primary gateway to my blog. Three times as many people got here from there than the next runner up. (This of course doesn't count any of you that come straight here, and thus don't have a source page.) Thanks Cindy.

- Apparently nobody came to my site by using keywords to search for something. Kind of disappointing, since this was the main thing I was looking for in this stat bunch. (To see what kind of interesting keyword combinations people use to find others out there, check this out.)

- I have had visits from five different states and three different countries.

- Length of visit: 66.7% - Less than five seconds. (Speed readers, or am I that boring?) 15.7% - Longer than an hour. (The counter doesn't track me, which makes me curious as to who spends all that time here.)
8%ish - 5 mins to 20 mins
4%ish - 5 to 30 seconds (same for 30 secs to 5 mins)
2% - 20 mins to half an hour
**I just learned, helpful to my ego, that since the stat counter is on the main page, if someone visits, goes straight off the main page and doesn't return, it only rates that less than five second stretch.

Well, that's all of the fun I can find with that. There are the stats of my life, or something close to it.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Emily Discharged

I just got the call from my wife. They are heading back from the burn clinic now and it has been reported that they have discharged Emily from their care. The bandage is off of her hand, and while there is some dead skin on the hand, over all it looks real good with no permanent problems foreseen. I am not sure that I will think it looks good, since I have succesfully avoided looking at all of the preceding stages, and have no idea what "some dead skin" will entail, but I will see soon enough I am sure.

For now, that is the update on the plight of Emily's hand. You may return to your regularly scheduled life, or something close to it.

The White Wolf's Turn From The Church

I can't say that there is a point in my life that I started to turn away from the church. The timeframe that I first realized that the answer I sought weren't going to be found in the church was around the time that I was in Tech School for the Air Force. However, more important than when are the questions I followed out the door. The questions far preceded this point, and they are at the root of the whole issue.

My faith and associated questions therein were strong at an early age. I was in second grade or thereabouts when I began noticing oddities in the church. (Or at least that is the time frame that first comes to mind.) My question at that time was why everyone who prayed after communion managed to finish their conversation with God and stop kneeling at the same time. Shouldn't some of those conversations take longer than others? If not, then they must all be saying the same thing. What then was that thing, and why? Not an extremely deep theological question, but heady for a second grader. Now I am not trying to toot my own horn here, just pointing out the speed and direction of my spiritual evolution.

The next, most significant step to point to is my decision to become an altar boy. (No it isn't one of those stories.) This choice allowed me to be closer to the priests on a regular basis. (I'm really not going there, I promise.) I had read, and continued to read, the bible on a regular basis. Cover to cover. At every opportunity I would present my questions to the priests in order to get a better understanding for when I became one myself. Yep. That's where I was going. I was certain, with no question in my mind, for a long time. So I began my self driven spiritual training from the time I was in fourth grade with every priest or minister that I could corner. I had my questions and I was going to get the answers, to ensure that I was prepared.

Now the problem wasn't precisely what you might expect at this point. For the most part, I did get the answers. In fact, as I progressed in my study I began to anticipate what the answers would be correctly. The problem came when I had issues with the answers. When theologically speaking 1+1=4 was what I was expected to believe. When I realized that I could predict even the answers I found scripturally and theologically unsound, I knew I had a problem. And so I was incorrect, the realization did precede the Air Force. Still, the Air Force time frame was pivotal as well.

I know I seem to be delaying on what those questions were, and spending a lot of time on the background. (The opposite of my normal literary style.) I will get to the heart of it eventually.

When I was in Tech School in the Air Force, I was still looking for the answers. I pushed myself harder, and my position was still basically the same. At this point I wasn't still on the path to being a priest, as I was now engaged to the woman who is now my wife, but I was still strong in my faith. Perhaps a little bit questioning on what that faith was at times, but the strength was there anyway.

On my off time I worked in the chaplain's center. Known as the fishbowl, this was where students would often hang out and where they could go if they needed to speak to the chaplains. I helped to keep the events running in the fishbowl and ran errands for the chaplains. I also spent a lot of time playing chess with some of the chaplains and discussing life and scripture with them. I got along great with them for the most part, but I must say that one particular conversation with one of them did make me stop and think about what the meanings of that which we had discussed all along were.

This came in regards to the discussion I had with the Catholic Chaplain about performing my marriage. I had been engaged to Martha for two years, and dating her for three years before that. Due to the difficulties and time constraints associated with movement to my first permanent duty station, we had discussed bringing her down and having the ceremony in MS. Then we would have a little party back home, but the stress wouldn't be there, and we could just enjoy time with our family before we went to Alaska.

His judgement was that I was too young and that this was the wrong point in my life to be considering marriage. Judgement from a man who had known me for several months. I asked him to talk to the priest back home who had known me my whole life, and knew the background of my relationship with my wife. He told me that this conversation wouldn't matter, it couldn't let him sway his decision. All of this I can still basically deal with. I acquiesced, and simply stated that we would then go along with the original plan to have the wedding when I went home between stations. This is when he informed me that if the priest would do so, then he was doing the wrong thing.

Here we have a priest who can make such a comment about another priest. Without knowing who he was or the circumstances involved. We had a catholic priest that didn't have the base assumption that another Catholic priest probably knew what he was doing.

This led to a realization that should have been more obvious. It had just been indicated to me that graduating from the seminary and being ordained a priest, even of the same order, didn't mean that the man knew what he was talking about. Knowledge of the bible alone apparently didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. Going through the formal training that would allow you to speak on God's behalf didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. The combination of the two didn't mean a knowledge of what was right in God's eyes. Well wait a minute. If this is the case, than what does? How do you know what God wants? How do you know what is right and wrong, if these people who have risen to the rank of shepherd admit by interaction with each other that they can't be certain? You have to come to an understanding of the source, so that you can go to the source to get your answers. At this point I realized that the priests and ministers at best were only auxiliary now to my spiritual growth. I had to look elsewhere and I had to look on my own.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

100 Posts

There are 100 posts on my blog now, some 96 or so are mine, and yet I still apparently have people reading this. Creepy. Anyway, in honor of this less than significant milestone I provide you with yet another quiz result. This one I post because I honestly answered the questions, and I don't think this could be further from the truth. I figured I would get the opinions of you folks on the matter.

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.


So that's my blogging life, or something (not so) close to it.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The White Wolf's Journey Begins

Before we get into the what or the where, let's start with the why. Why faith?

Because in the beginning something happened. If you want to know what the specific details of this are you are probably out of luck. Yet it is a good enough place to start. In the beginning there was, and we work from there.

Science most highly approves of the Darwin Theory of evolution. The major setback of which is the missing link. Despite the fossil records of species, they still have this missing link issue.

Now the missing link isn't simply one stage between ape and man. What is also missing is why we stopped. Not just man, but all species behind us. You see, while it is most commonly pointed to that there are a couple of steps along the way missing from the fossil record, what we are also missing is the continuous existence of these mutated critters from all stages that point to this evolutionary process. If evolution was a strictly natural, non-interfered with process, then we should still have monkey out there spewing out cro-magnon men in the jungle. We don't. Something caused the changes, or something caused them to stop. The question is what that something is.

The answer is that it is unknown. Not necessarily a difficult concept to grasp. There are many things that we don't know. The more difficult concept is the thought that it is unknowable.

You see, to a questing mind, the concept of unknowability, or unchallenged lack of knowledge is not acceptible. We must still seek and try to explain. As we seek we have no choice but to propose our own theories and test them out, on a quest for greater knowledge.

I have heard it said that atheists are unimaginative. That they are unable to grasp that there is something greater. I have heard it suggested that they are generally unintelligent. As a stereotype this is all bullshit. There is nothing to attack in the concept that one will not blindly accept that which is not, and can not be proven.

I have heard it said that religious individuals are dreamers. That they are delusional, or otherwise mentally damaged. That they are generally unintelligent, or afraid to grasp the concept that there is nothing more out there. As a stereotype these have a greater likelihood of hitting the mark, but are no more true in anything approaching an absolute.

In both camps can be found the same thing. People who are looking for answers and explanations. Regardless of where one looks, the quest is not the problem. The problem is when you stop searching out the truth and allow yourself to stagnate in your certainty. This is foolish. Regardless of where you stand, a refusal to accept that there is so much that you don't know is beyond arrogant. So I search in a different way, and from a different background than each and every one of you.

This isn't to say that I don't give credence to that which I believe in. It is just to say that I understand where most of the diverse people out there reading this are coming from.

Do I have points where I question my faith? Where I question the existence of a higher power? All the time. Thus far, what I have seen, heard and felt has resulted in my continuous faith. It has led me to where I am. It has led me to listen more, and make use of that which I have learned as a result. In my next post I will get into some of the questions that led me from the church. For the moment I will indicate simply that at the time of the following incident, that turn away had already significantly happened. It is the incident in which I really listened for the first time in a very long time.

When I got out of the service I went straight to work, doing security at a high rise in Rochester in the evening. Much of this job is spent sitting in a booth in a darkened parking lot, with your thoughts for company. My thoughts were troubled at the time. I was having somewhat of a crisis of faith. I was preparing for my own wedding. I was thinking about how I was going to survive and help my wife to do so in such a pointless job.

Out of this I came up with three questions. I sat back, thirsty, and thinking of making some orange Kool-Aid when I got home and thought, "Okay God. Tell me how it is I am supposed to know that you exist. Tell me how I am supposed to know that this woman I am about to marry loves me as much as I love her. Tell me what difference my existence makes for anyone."

Yes, rather demanding, I know. I have always been like that. Look back at the conversations I have posted in italics and you will see that I haven't changed.

So I am sitting in this booth and I look down to see a ladybug wandering across my shift report. In late December at 10 o'clock at night. (The latter details didn't occur to me at the time.)

I picked my report up and held it out the window, gently brushing the insect off. I watched her walk along the sidewalk and then turned back to my shift report. There was the ladybug walking across the report again. So I said, "I suppose this is your way of telling me that you are there." I said sarcastically. "Couldn't you be a little more impressive?" Then my pager went off.

The page was from my home number and I called it to find that it was Martha who had paged. She said she had been thinking about me and that she had swung by to visit my mom (whom I lived with at the time) and to make me some food for when I got out. She also told me that she had made me some Orange Kool-aid because she knew I liked it so much. (See, you thought that it was irrelevant when I mentioned it up there, didn't you?)

We chatted for a few minutes and then I hung up and went back to the booth. The ladybug was content sitting motionless on my notes, but seeing it reminded me of one of my demands. Martha had called and told me that she cared.

You think I calmed down and got more respectful? No. Quite the contrary, I became rather angry and defensive. "How are you going to prove the last one?" I demanded.

The ladybug didn't move, nor did anything else really, except for the drunk that I could see wandering down the street. I waited for a peal of thunder or some other lunacy, and when it didn't come, I nudged the ladybug with my pen so it would move off of the next line on my report and began writing the mundane details.

The hand slapping on the window of my booth scared the hell out of me. I had foolishly written off the drunk, and was thankful that at least the door was closed so I had time to make that mistake less than devastating.

The man told me to call his wife. When I asked how I was supposed to do that, he rattled off a number. I wrote it down, although I had no intention of calling her. "What should I tell her?" I asked.

"That I am having a heart attack." The man responded, and collapsed next to the booth.

The first call I made was not to his wife. Once the ambulance had picked him up, though, I dialed that number. A woman answered, and I told her that this was awkward, but a man I didn't know had given me that number and told me to call her.

"What's he done now?" She demanded.

I told her what happened, and where the ambulance had taken him and, though distressed, she thanked me and hung up.

I went back to the booth and guess who was crawling across the fingerprints the man had left on the window?

It all hit me. All three questions had been answered. I took a deep breath, and then reacted just like myself. I said, "Great. I got it. You're listening. Now tell me who the hell you are."

The answer to that question took years to fully materialize, but the story will never be forgotten. Neither that nor the lesson. The Goddess works through ladybugs, orange kool-aid and heart attacks.

Prologue to the White Wolf's Monologue

The cave is laid out so no external light can get in. Still, it is bathed in a warm and multicolored light from the many gems in the ceiling and walls. The gems seem to reflect and react to each other's light with no hint at the source of the illumination. I stand amazed for a moment. Not by the cave, though it is still awe inspiring every time I see it. I am amazed because every other time I have come to see the woman who now lays on the altar I have recalled the journey to this cave. This time I do not.

I stand in the cave and look upon her relaxed form. She lies still, and gives every appearance of deepest slumber. An oddity. She has always been awake when I have arrived. Awake and expecting me. I look closer just to see if she is in fact breathing. For a moment she seems not to be, then I see her chest rise and fall. The ghost of a smile crosses her lips as if she dreamed something funny.

"Am I dreaming you then?" She asks, only the movement of her lips indicating that she is awake.

I laugh, caught off guard as always by her response to my unspoken thoughts. "That is an interesting question, one I imagine we could discuss in depth."

"Perhaps you could. I think the topic would bore me." Her voice indicating it already has. "That isn't why you are here, though. Perhaps you should tell me why that is."

"I think you know why I am here." I reply. "You could just as easily tell me."

"I could." She says with a smile. "But I won't."

The cave is silent for a moment as I stare at her. She appears to truly be asleep once more.

"I've been sleeping the entire time, you silly child." She says. The hint of a smile is back.

"Do you have any advice for me?"

"I could advise that you ask your question, rather than wasting my time."

"I am preparing to write out in detail what I believe."

"I know. It will be good for you."

"I don't know where to start."

"Try starting at the beginning. That's how I did it. Trust me, things just flow better that way.

"But I am not sure where the beginning should be."

"So you want help finding the beginning, as far as this personal expose is concerned?"

"Yeah, I guess so." I admit.

"Try writing it out." The humor in her voice is clear now. "You should find the beginning on the first page."

I feel myself getting angry, but try to keep it in check. "You act as if this isn't something serious." I accuse.

"That's because it isn't. Not in the way you act like it is."

"What do you mean?"

"Where in my charge did I tell you to give yourself a stroke trying to quantify me?"

"I don't understand." I push. "Wouldn't you want me to present it right?"

"For what reason? For you to know what you are thinking? Or for those others who don't care?"

"You don't think there is someone who will care?"

"Of course there are people who will care, to some extent or another." She replies soothingly. "But if they don't understand, they will ask questions. You'll get it right eventually. Most of it."

"Most of it?" I ask. "What about the rest of it?"

The humor was back, and she actually laughed. "Well it would obviously be wrong."

"And if one of those details was about you?"

Again the laughter, eery as her body didn't move with it. "I would imagine there is a pretty good chance, given the subject matter."

"This doesn't bother you?"

"Don't you imagine I will correct you if it is anything too important?"

"Perhaps you should tell me what to say." I suggested.

"About your relationship with me?" The tone was more mocking. "Would you have Martha tell the story of how and why you love her?"

"That's completely different." I object heatedly.

"Hardly." She counters. I start to respond and she cuts me off. The steel in her voice a stark contrast to the peaceful expression of her sleeping face. "I don't think you want to annoy me by arguing such a silly point."

I suspect that the fact that her expression hasn't changed means that I haven't angered her too much. "You are right, but you still shouldn't argue. I am right. That's what I do." The humor has returned with the last comment. "Now go. You have things to write."

Even if I had a specific response, it wouldn't have been for now. As the light of the gems dulls, throwing her sleeping form into shadow once more, I know I have been dismissed.