The White Wolf Considers The Feminine

Obviously, having noted that my spiritual journey had neglected the feminine, I had to stop and think about what this meant. If it meant anything at all. The first thoughts being whether there was a relevance to this concept. Would God have a gender? Would it serve a purpose?

What made the genders different? Particularly beyond aesthetics and reproductive functions that would be irrelevant to a being possessive of the power that has been attributed to God.

After all, men and women are equal, right? Of course not. You pick two men and any one subject and one of them will prove superior. The same is true with women or mixed company. This is just on the individual level though. Still, there are marked differences between men and women. Physical, mental and psychological factors that are keyed to the different genders. (Now don't start some feminist rant on this. I haven't stated better or worse, but those differences are there.) The question is whether the attributes offered to either gender become relevant on a God level.

The physical and reproductive qualities are obviously not relevant to God. The psychological factors might be, though. So this was something I then had to pursue. What relevant differences would there be in attributing an alternate gender to God?

First and foremost came the impressions I got from the commonly used term "father" for God and the difference in using the term "mother." This might influence my personal comfort level or impression, but was there something deeper? Something that would more generally influence? Barring the question of who actually gave birth, are there different roles here? There are.

Regardless of how much a man loves the child that he has sired, few will actually be maternal. They will be protective. Mothers are also protective of their children, but it is in a different way. I am not sure I could fully explain what the maternal reaction would be, but it is there. You can see it and feel it. Even in mothers of adopted children, so it isn't merely a knowledge that the child grew within you.

Of course this is only one amorphous issue, but one that gave me pause. This was the first clearer definition I had of what was missing. The church was not maternal. The love of a father for his child could be felt at points within the church, but not of a mother. The mother figure had been removed.

So this leads me to start considering and investigating my faith experience based on this. Had this lack been part of what had started me thinking about this? How serious of a point was this?

I sat back and reflected on one of the tenets of my Christian upbringing. He created them in his image. Male and female he created them. I realized that in this might be an insinuation. One that should be read anyway. If God created man and woman in his image, are there parts of them that can be found in each of them? Futher, as far as I am aware, all multi-celullar organisms have male and female entities. If God's power to otherwise effect things wasn't limited (a whole other question altogether) why would they have been created male and female? What purpose did genders serve in the master plan?

Time to back pedal for a moment. Why was the God of the Christian church assigned a male gender to begin with? In the desert, God said "I am." No gender there. In fact, there is no gender assignation until Jesus says, "Our father, who art in heaven...."

Is there a designation from Jesus here that God is in fact male? Probably not. One must consider the culture within which this message was being delivered. Would people accept the concept of God being female, even if it was true? Doubtful. Still, there is no clear designation here, nor any indication that God is required to have a gender.

So I can't define why God needs to have a gender at this point. How about any indication of what gender God might be based on our environment? Look at the creation to see a glimpse of the creator. This was a lot more enlightening.

Are there any particular benefits that one gender has over the other? Benefits that might hint at the gender of the deity creating them? One came to mind. The human female is the only creature on our planet with an organ that serves absolutely no purpose other than pleasure. (If any of you women reading this don't know what I am talking about, I am sorry for you. If any of you men don't know what I am talking about I am sorry for your women.)

Was this, then, definitive proof that God was in fact female? Hell no. But it is fun to point out. So searching further. Any other benefits males or females have over each other? Anything that would point to one gender or another? Anything men or women specifically do that the other gender can't?

Men can pee standing up, and write their names in the snow. Actually, I have known a couple of women who could accomplish the same, but that is a different story. Somehow I doubt this has any particular spiritual relevance. Women can give birth.

Now this one actually struck me. Such that I was forced to sit up and give this further thought. (I am being a poor narrator. I recall at the point that this occurred to me I was laying on the couch on my front porch, smoking a cigarette.)

Women could carry a child for nine months. Nurture it inside themselves as it grew, and then bring it forth into the world. If our existence had any significance at all, the continuation of our existence through our offspring would be equally important. So women were entrusted with the role of nurturing, bringing forth and raising offspring. This had to be important. It went back to the maternal thing.

Surely, then, if gender was important to a higher power, this would be a key indicator. This train of thought seemed to point to the possibility that so many Christians were wrong. That God wasn't the Father. She was our Mother.

And on the wind there was regret.

"And he was getting so close, too..."

Twisting the words of a friend

A friend of mine placed a quote on her blog today. I won't specifically link to her because I don't want any annoyed persons placing blame on her for my reaction to her post. Similarly why I brought this here rather than responding there.

Apparently 1 Peter 4:8 says, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

I will definitely put that one in my back pocket for future use. Not sure what the context is, but I will probably look at it shortly to find out. In the mean time it will be useful during one of my regular topics of passionate debate in regards to those who like to throw those snippets of quotes at you to prove their point.

In case any of you haven't already assumed where I am going with this, I will say it supports the argument I have had all along. Most specifically, though, one might say that if acting on one's homosexuality is a sin, perhaps the above quote insinuates that doing so out of a deep love for another, that sin, and a multitude of others is covered. After all, some have inappropriately stated that God is love. If that were the case, wouldn't the action be in his name anyway?

Not gonna rant to much on that subject now though. It isn't like I don't give it enough of it's own airtime. Speaking of which, did any of you notice my cute little rainbow? Sometimes, if you have an audience, you need to let it be known what you think. That's just a part of life, or something close to it.

Fictional Characters

On my favorite television show one of the main characters from the beginning of the show died of breast cancer. Over the course of multiple episodes they demonstrated the struggle that she was going through and the impact that it had on everyone around her. To make it more moving and understandable to the viewers, they picked the character that the viewers most often said they identified most with or liked the most to go through this. This way the viewers could identify with the other characters with the feeling of loss.

I was particularly impressed on how they handled this. In truth I was somewhat depressed right along with her fictional friends at the loss of this fictional character whom I watched from week to week.

This has gotten me thinking about the impact that such things can have. How we can identify with and feel close to characters on television or in books. One part of me is impressed with the skill of the writers to make the characters that real. One part of me has always wondered how we can have an emotional response to something that we know to be fabricated.

I have joked around in the past about how saddened I was when I killed off one of the characters in one of my stories. One who had been around since the very beginning of the 50 year journey that I had narrated. It felt very much like I had lost one of my best friends. In that case it is a little different, as in a way it was a loss of one of my children. Someone whom I had created and cultivated over her entire life. Still it is odd.

I got to wondering if maybe part of the reason for our ability to do this is linked to our less than personal interaction with people in present society. We talk to people through work, or creditors and telemarketers at home, that we will never see, or know of in our regular lives. Those of you who read this are in some way involved in the blogging world, where we share secrets and tell stories to strangers all over the planet.

In a way, do we then see a number of our interactions as dealing with fictional characters? After all, even though I learn things from contributors here and through visiting your blogs, a part of you remains unreal. Similarly, I am sure, to how I would appear to you.

Some of the friends and people I interact with most often are nothing more than words on a page in my daily life. If looked at that way, is it any surprise that the fictional characters we observe through our entertainment might be viewed as somewhat real and substantial?

Leave me a comment to tell me what you think. Or don't. The ability to independantly make such a choice is one of the beauties of life, or something close to it.

The White Wolf Asks Who Is God?

Well, we have addressed the fact that I opened up and listened, waiting for God to make the proper introductions. (See here) We also addressed the answer.

Now once again we move on to where I went during this initial answer and beyond it. I was asking who God was. While on the subconscious level things were moving, they moved on the conscious level as well.

If I am asking who God is, the initial reaction is to go to any of the staple answers that I have been given in my studies thus far. The simple answer might be to fill in the blank with Jesus' name and be done with it. However, this was not the time for the simple answers. Beyond which, I knew that my thoughts that something had been missing rang true in the answer I had gotten. There was no simple, "I am Jesus, you already know me" kind of answer. So if that path held the answers, I was at least supposed to look a little deeper to understand those answers.

What else had my years taught me besides that simple name? There were other things about God that I could reflect on. God is love. God is truth. Looking at those two statements I realized that they weren't true.

God can not be truth. Simple logic destroys this theory. I have a scar on my right foot and it has been there for nearly a quarter of a century. That is the truth. Simple logic states if A=B then B=A. Might lead me to worship that scar, or at least the concept of it.

What God says may be true. Surely what God says is true, is true. God can't be truth. Similarly God is not love. I suppose this one is more plausible, but this isn't true. God is loving, but is not love. What I feel for my wife is pleasing to the Goddess, but it is not Her.

But then, how important were the attributes of God right at this point. I struggled with the question of whether I needed to look at the varying attributes as I could best assemble them, and work my way in to know God, or if I needed to find God and thus learn the personality from there.

Something told me that I had more of a grasp than I gave myself credit for, so I kept working on this concept.

The next concept to work on, since I was taking these lessons that I had learned and was investigating them, was what it was that I thought was missing. What it was that I had gone looking for as I walked away from the church in search for answers.

The answer to this question surfaced in one of the most unexpected places. It happened on an evening when we were doing our then traditional Friday night bonfire at my house. It was early yet and it was just me, my wife and a friend of hers. The friend said that she had decided that she was going to "try Wicca."

My reaction was profound. I laughed at her. I couldn't help it. She said it like one might say they would try on a coat, or sample a new dish. "I want to see how it feels, and decide whether or not I am going to keep it."

Finding myself mired in a serious spiritual journey, this flippant attitude kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Still, as she started to explain some of what she had heard about Wicca (admittedly not much at the time, even by her own tale, and some of it wrong) I went out on the porch and reflected back on another whom I had known who practiced this religion, and how he might have reacted to the comments inside. I had a fairly good idea. While I helped the chaplains while in the Air Force, I mediated in a feud between him and a bunch of people who had made a similar decision to "try" this religion, for them as an excuse to bash christians for the most part.

He had spent a couple of nights with me, explaining his beliefs and how they differed from what was being represented by these others. I filed it away along with the feud when it was all done and went on. Yet, now, something struck me. I knew what was missing. What I had been looking for. She was.

When I was younger, and more faithful than knowledgable, simple circumstances permeated my religious experiences. I would walk outside in the windstorms and feel the wind running across my body and I would pray. I would pray to God, yet even now I realize that the wind was always Her.

As I studied, being raised Catholic, I would frequently pray to Mary, as we were taught. More frequently than to God. Kind of a "you speak to him" mentality that went away as my studies continued. Continued to a point where She had been put aside. My faith had taken me to a place where there was no "her."

And the slight breeze said, "Now you are onto something."

A quick word from Mc

I hope Wanderer doesn't mind me execising my contributor rights for this post, but I just got done having a rather lengthy argument and I wanted to express a few points to whatever public I could.

RULES THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOLLOWED BY MC'S (FORMER?) GiRLFRIEND

1. If I tell you I'm too mature to take part in your little "I said, they said" game, then that means shut the fuck up, not try to convince me you're telling the truth and they're lying.

2. You will not, under any circumstances, ever manage to drive a wedge between me and my friends. They mean more to me than you do. Trying to pick a fight between (me and you) and (them) is never going to end well for you because I will side with them ninety-nine times out of one hundred.

3. If I say I don't care, I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I am expressing my disinterest in forfeiting yet another entire full evening to you and your friends' soap opera lives. I work eleven hour days.; so I only get three or hour hours between work and sleep and would like to enjoy them.

4. Yes, you have a kid. No, I don't like kids. Yes, I've been very honest about this. No, that doesn't mean I need to spend more time with it and get used to the kid.

5. I've known you since December 12th. I've been going out with you since January 7th. That puts you WAY behind in the who-I've-known-longer-than-whom loyalty bracket.

Finally, and most importantly:

6. I date girls because I want to add pleasure and enjoyment to my life. I really like sex and I really enjoy the company and closeness. Therefore relationships are both pleasant and convenient for my ends. When the relationship stops being pleasant or convenient, it is not fulfilling its purpose and will be concluded promptly. I am not going to put effort and pain into maintaining something that is supposed to be a source of pleasure, and I do not feel that I am wrong not to do so.

Therefore, I conclude that I have nothing further to say to this girl. Fuck her. I would love to meet one girl who did not try to come between me and my friends or fabricate meaningless, articifical, needless soap operas to entertain herself, or try to build a romance from a one night stand and a string of dates following it. Enjoy the journey, bitches, don't try to jump to the destination. It may be a layover for you but for other travellers it's the end of the line.

So, in concluson, Wanderer, please call me tomorrow after I get off work (9:00 pm if you count for drive time) because I would like to take someone who means something to me to the casino to play some poker, on me, either Wednesday night or Thursday any time.

CHAMPAGNE FOR MY REAL FRIENDS, AND REAL PAIN FOR MY SHAM FRIENDS.

Ostara

And so we come upon another Sabbatt. Today is Ostara. Also referenced as Oestre (pronounced ee-ster), this is the Sabbatt celebrated on the vernal equinox. While commonly referenced as being March 21st (because it usually is) the equinox this year was today, at 1:26pm eastern standard time.

Ostara is celebrated on the day in spring when the day and night are equal. It is the marking of the beginning of spring, and it is when the Goddess truly awakens and joins us once more. It is a celebration of new life and the coming warmth of spring and summer. (An important thing to remember as the temperature here is presently 28 degrees and there is snow on the ground.)

Commonly this is a day to be spent outside (if possible) in appreciation of the burgeoning growth. Foods for this day tend to lean toward vegetation. Those plants suitable for consumption that are already growing in these early times. Dandelion salad and dandelion wine are big things for this holiday.

It is a day for rejoicing, as the Goddess joins us in our celebrations and dances with us in the joy of the awakening planet. For myself, I am taking the time to reflect on these things, and plan my little celebration this evening with my wife and daughter, so I will not expound at great length at this time. Especially since perfectly qualified people have already done so. For a more lengthy and in depth look at the practice, feel free to look here.

And thus concludes this meager Sabbatt introduction. You may return to your life, or something close to it.

The Question of Names

Originally this was part of a comment in reply to a comment made to me on the last post. It was a little lengthier though, and I decided to put it here instead.

Why does She have so many different names? They reflect the people and the reasons they call upon her. I myself am known by different names by different groups of people, or at least commonly referred to by different names depending on who they are. If I couldn't discern the voice of the person who spoke to me from behind, how they addressed me would imply how they knew me, perceived me, and might give an inkling of what they would want.

For those who I dealt with in the sporting arena, or in the military, I am Graves. A reference as such tells me the background and nature of myself the person is identifying with. As well as gender, as mostly males refer to me as such.

If I am addressed as Steve, it is more likely going to be someone closer to me. A close friend or a family member.

If my full name (including middle) is used, it is probably my mother, and she is annoyed with me.

If I am referenced as Spider, there is a very small set of people it could be.

If I am referenced as Wanderer, it is probably one of you folks.

If I am referenced using the terms Reverend and/or wolf, the person addressing me is probably someone I know from my religious path.

Not everyone has so many "identities" but it is, by default, a way to gauge who you are speaking with.

In terms of the Goddess, she knows who is speaking to her. However, if you are addressing a Goddess known as a Goddess of War, then you have obviously focused your own attentions, thus communing with her is easier.

Some actually consider them to be different entities, others just different personalities. In truth, the end result wouldn't be changed in either case. And so goes another reflection on life, or something close to it.

More Silly Quizzes

Okay, I found this one here.

Take the quiz:
Which Egyptian God or Goddess do you represent? (Pictures!)

Ma'at, Goddess of Order, Harmony, and Truth
Ma'at was the goddess of physical and moral law in Egypt, of order and truth. She was not much of a goddess, but more of a concept. She was what was right; she was the way things should be.

You lead a very well-ordered life. You are just and keep things in balance. You know just how to react to things, and people like you for that.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

If you followed the link you probably found that I came up with the same answer she did. Quite possibly because each set of questions had a bunch of improbable answers and one or two practical ones. You can tell these things didn't have much thought put in them anytime you can read one or two questions and figure out exactly what they are going for with each answer.

But then again, stupid quizzes do seem to be an important factor in my blogging life, or something close to it.

Her Church

As requested, I reviewed this article on HerChurch.org and then I took it a step further and investigated the site itself. As might have been predicted, I am not as alarmed by this as either the poster or commentor who pointed me in this direction were.

This appears to be a similar concept to that which birthed some sects of Wiccans, such as the Dianic tradition. Self avowed feminists, HerChurch seems to act in direct opposition to the patriarchal standards of mos Christian faiths, and the doing of such is my only concern. One cannot build their beliefs based simply on contrasting an existing belief. Doing so does not separate them from the system in question, but in fact ties them just as strongly to it. If, then, this is what they are doing, I would be concerned for their ability to grow spiritually.

As for the question of choosing one or the other, my friend, I have to disagree. This isn't a matter of whose God wins. It is a matter of living as the Lord and the Lady would have you live, and giving honor and praise as best we can. Seeing as how I recognized myself that the Divine Feminine as missing from Christian practice, I obviously don't object to the attempt to reassert Her. That is, if you are doing that and not just making a show of it out of spite.

Just my two cents on religious life, or something close to it.

The Storm Moon

The Storm Moon will be rising over Rochester, NY at 6:09 pm and becoming full 26 minutes later. (6:35pm) It will set tomorrow morning at 6:41am.

In Shiprock, NM you are looking at a moon rise time of approximately 6:18pm, one hour and 43 minutes after it becomes full at 4:35pm. It will set at approximately 6:44am tomorrow.

The Storm moon comes at a time when there is a significant changing of the seasons again. The last storms of winter come through and make way for spring. While spring is often thought of as a gentle time, spring has storms of its own. We know more now about the differing pressure systems and their impacts on each other as the seasons change, but there was a time where such knowledge wasn't so technical. It was just known that around the time of this moon, the storms that came with the changing of the seasons could be expected. This moon was also known as the Worm Moon, for similar reasons, as these storms softened the land and the worms returned, at least visibly so.

Just a couple of moon facts for your life, or something close to it.

I Finally Got A Weird Hit

Okay, so StatCounter finally gave me an odd hit on the keyword stat. Somebody found my blog by searching on Yahoo for: "how can a chain with 63 links be cut in three places so that you could hand a prson any number of link from 1 to 63"

I find it odd enough that not only would my site be found based on this, but that I was the fourth choice. I find it odder that anyone actually searched for this. Someone in Los Angeles has too much time on their hands (or is trying to get Yahoo to do their eighth grade math homework).

On a side note, Google didn't pull me up with the identical search. Neither did MSN, although those two are winning in the "Search Engine Wars" on my site.

An odd reflection on west coast life, or something close to it.

A Mother's Answer

I ran through the forest, sniffing the air as I went, and watching the trees dance around, in front, and behind me. The pack was with me, running, and enjoying the night as I was. The moon was becoming full and spring was coming. Everything was awakening once more, promising new life. I could feel the pack as they realized this also would temporarily mean an end to hunger. I slowed, because this feeling came from behind me. They had stopped.

It was at a walk that I entered the clearing in the trees. The nearly full moon shone right down into the center like a spotlight on the strange hammock before me. A hammock made by the living boughs of the two trees in the center. Woven together, they provided a bed that logic told me would be extremely uncomfortable, but something told me that it wasn't.

She was there, laying on the boughs. Her hands weren't folded on Her chest this time, nor by Her side. They were laced behind Her head, more in casual repose than slumber.

"What is it I want of you this time?" I asked.

She smiled, just a gentle curve of Her lips, but it threw me off. "Have you forgotten that I am waking?" She asked.

"No." I dared speak aloud, although in a whisper. "But you are not supposed to be awake yet."

"I am not supposed to be?" Her voice was amused. "By whose rules?"

I didn't respond, not even with a tangible thought, yet She smiled again. "I know, you are more comfortable when you approach me in my sleep. It scares you when you see me face to face and I am awake."

Her eyes opened and bore into me. They sparkled with an amused and gentle fire, yet they pierced me to my soul. Like in an instant, with that gaze, She would know everything about me. Be able to dissect it, take it apart and reassemble it.

Her eyes closed, but the smile stayed. "But surely you know I need not be awake to do that?"

I tried to formulate a response to this. Not a defense, just a demonstration of how much I understood this to be the case. She shook Her head slightly. Barely a motion.

"I know that." She said. "But that is not why you are here. Wasn't that the question you asked? Why you are here? You know, once you would have asked me why I had come to you."

"It seems you rarely do anymore." I said, before it occurred to me not to. It sounded petty and trite when I said it. I tried to explain. "It's not that I am complaining, or feeling neglected. It just seems that once you would stop by and talk to me, now it seems that we only talk when I seek you out."

Again a smile, and She turned her head, eyes still closed, to face up into the moonlight. "Did you seek me out this time? Do you remember doing so specifically?"

Thinking this over, I had to admit I had not. "See? So there is no real difference. I have always come because you sought me. The vehicle in which I do so has changed as your understanding of the circumstance has changed. Something important to reflect upon, but that is not why you are here either."

"If you are planning on forcing me to ask the question this time, you are out of luck." I told Her. "I don't even know what it is." The pack howled. They always became worried or chided me when I talked to Her like this.

"That indicates a certain level of wisdom you could aspire to." Her tone was more reprimanding for a moment, but then the smile returned. "No. I plan on telling you this time."

I waited patiently. So did She. "Should I say please?" I asked sarcastically.

"More often than you do." Was Her curt response.

For a moment I thought She was going to sit up and look at me, even though She hadn't moved. I felt a surge of panic race through me.

"Fine. Then I won't." She said, with another smile. The smile evaporated immediately. "Is that truly what you think? That I am somehow more dangerous or threatening if I fall outside of the mold? Beyond intimidation at looking upon me, you would panic because I was awake before I should? That this meant I was dangerous?"

The thought hadn't even really gotten processed for me yet, but she was right. "Isn't that the case though? If something dragged you out of your schedule, that would mean it was serious, and that something was wrong. You know, when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy?"

Her laughter pealed through the forest, and it was a comforting sound, amplified by the fact that Her mouth only smiled slightly. Seeing Her laugh outright would be more of a sign of being fully awake. She had done that for me.

"No huge thing." She chided. "I am not quite awake yet, and that would have been obvious if I stood up. Yet you distract me again. After you said please and everything."

"Please, explain."

"You are never going to remember what I said to you. You rack your brains, waiting to display the right thing, but you are never going to remember it.

"I suspected that." I admitted, idly poking a stick into a fire that hadn't been there a moment ago. "But you do, don't you?"

"Of course I do." She responded, opening Her eyes again, pinning me to the spot. "No, you don't get off easy now. The burden you have chosen is great, and now you have to look me in the eye. Show me that you can teach the person you are most desperately trying to reach. Show me that, and I will allow you comfort."

"You know I can't dance." I replied breathlessly.

"On the contrary, I know you can." She answered. I started to reply, but She cut me off. "I can't tell you exactly what I said to you. Not because I don't remember, but because it didn't happen in one night. The night you first asked who I was, you weren't even listening to me. It was later that you paid attention. I talked throughout, and I repeated myself. So I will tell you what I said, and it is up to you to explain, or not, what the impact was, and how you put it all together.

"You ask me to give you a name and a picture. As if, much as the man who appeared in your window I could just pop before you and answer your questions. You are not ready. A roadmap to a name, or a church, or a picture will not help you. You do not desire to be a fanatic, consumed by my presence to the point of lunacy, forsaking the teachings and guidance of all others including me. I don't desire this either.

"You do not need me to tell you who I am, for at the core you know the answer. The important part of the answer. I am the one you talk to. I am the one you ask to prove my own existence, despite the logical mind screaming that if I do not exist, you are asking this favor of noone.

"You knew me when you were a child, before you allowed the world to break you. No, I do not mean in the churches you worshipped and prayed in. I was there, and you talked to me even then, but their books and their classes won't help you. You've already figured this out.

"As a child, you walked in a windstorm and laughed. You loved the wind whipping around you, and you cupped it in your hands. You stood and manipulated the motion through your hands, as the wind roared at your back, to give you the feeling that you were actually calling it up and sending it forth. You knew this was not true, yet you also knew in a small part, for the most seemingly unimportant fraction of that wind, you altered it's path through your actions. You manipulated your environment and you love it, and you laughed. I laughed with you, and together we enjoyed the storm.

"When the wind rises now* you are afraid. You cower inside as if there is something that is there that you are missing. I am telling you that what you are missing is me. In the faith of a child, you spoke to me there, and now you look at it and know that you have cut yourself off, and you don't even know why.

"Yet, even now you have opened the door a crack, and that is all I need. Open it more and you will find an even clearer understanding of who I am. Much as with the wind, I am what has been missing in the latter portions of your faith journey. I am the one who stood quietly and watched as your brain screamed, You are forgetting something!

"I am not going to tell you who I am, because the quest for that answer is the point. Walk towards me, and wait for the most unexpected of events. When you keep walking towards me, you will find me. Not at the end of the road, or the far reaches of the world, but right next to you. Right where I have been the entire time.

"Open your eyes and see me. Open your ears and hear me. Open your mind and know me. Then dance, and you will be free.

"You loved me when you didn't know me. You discarded me as foolish when you did know me, but had left your search behind. Seek me and you will know me. I have been waiting for you."

The last words seemed to resonate through the forest for a moment, and then the wolves took up the howl. Incongruent with the sudden noise, Her features became more relaxed and her eyes were closed once more.

"Hit the snooze button on your way out, timekeeper." She said with a wry smile. "Someone says I haven't gotten enough beauty sleep yet."

* Editor's note. The "now" referenced in regards to my feelings about the wind would be at the time in question, many years ago. Not "now" as in now. I am back to playing in the storms, although next time I play in the storms with her I might remind her that there wasn't necessarily any reason to include that short term phobia.

A Gift

Lisanocerous brought a gift for the baby yesterday. It was drawn by her friend Eden and this is what it looks like on her site. The actual drawing is cooler though, because the colors are more vivid and it is all special and framed like. The baby may be a little young to appreciate it yet, but we are going to put it up across from her crib anyway. It is a nice, colorful addition to our life, or something close to it.

Why I didn't Show Up For Work

WHY I DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR WORK

"I had twelve bottles of whiskey in my cellar, and was told
by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the
sink... or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the
unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the
contents down the drain with the exception of one glass,
which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle
and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I
drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured
the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass,
which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and
poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the
bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of
it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink
out ot the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank
and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I
steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles,
corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were
29, and as the house came by I counted them again and
finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.

I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople
pink I was.

I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish,
I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the
longer I got."

- Well there's your joke for the day, now you can go back to your normal life, or something close to it.

Emily is sleeping.

Emily is sleeping in my arms, leaning against my chest. It is the only place she will sleep. She wakes up and screams if we lay her down, since she has a real bad ear infection and the pressure builds when we do that. Plus she is just miserable and needs the comfort. She has been asleep for twenty minutes, the longest in one shot all day. She looks peaceful at the moment though. I just want this to clear up so she is back to normal.



Here she is sleeping while I post about her. I know the pic isn't great, but considering it is a cameraphone and I took it while holding her, I think it is ok.



Above and below are two pictures from several days ago in her new dress and a lot less miserable.



And thus are the trials of a miniature life, or something close to it.

Varsity Sports

I saw a boy walking down the street near my house today wearing a Varsity Jacket from my Alma Mater. I have one that matches it. Somewhere. I don't remember when I last saw it.

Now this isn't exactly bragging. I was a boxer for my school. There was no varsity boxing team. If you boxed for the school, you were varsity.

What I was thinking of when I looked at him, though, was the fact that perhaps one of the significant shaping moments of my life happened as a result of this program. As a freshman at the school, I made it to the big fight night. I was on the ticket not because of my talent, but because too few people boxed that year so everyone made it to the center stage.

I had no business being in the ring. I had only trained half-assed at best, and didn't pay nearly enough attention to the skills necessary. You hit that guy. Try not to let him hit you. If he does, keep going.

These were the basic elements of my boxing mentality when I stepped into the ring in front of hundreds of people to square off with my opponent. I got the tar beaten out of me. I couldn't land anything, and this guy was tearing me apart. The final bell of the final round was a blessing, in that it was all over. We didn't have to wait for the announcement. Nobody in the stadium had any doubts who had won. I had been defeated, and I left the ring with this in my mind.

I was stopped on my way by the guest of honor's table. The legend who had been invited to witness the anniversary of these fights stood up to shake my hand. He told me I had done a good job. That I should keep my head up. He told me that the fact that I kept going back into the fight, despite the beating I was taking showed a strength and determination that would suit me well when experience and skill caught up.

What did this do for me? Well, the greatest boxer who ever lived told me I had the drive and determination to be somebody in this square ring, and I was going to show that he knew what he was talking about. (As if he needed my help.)

The next year I busted my ass in training. Did everything I could to get in the best shape, build my skills, and be the boxer I intended to be. I worked hard, and worked sensibly. I wasn't going to be the greatest boxer the school had ever seen this year, but I was going to be a hell of a boxer, and I had two more years to make it the rest of the way.

At the end of the season, I walked into the semi-final round ready to take on the world. I applied everything I learned and this time I wasn't taking a beating. This time I was proving that I knew what I was doing. I proved this all the way up to the final round, when the fight was stopped. My nose had been bleeding from the beginning of the fight, and the paramedics decided I couldn't risk three more minutes.

With that it was simply over. No finals for me. I was going home. Three minutes were left, and there was no sign that he could have gotten a sudden second wind and done what he hadn't thus far. With the decision of one man, I lost a fight that I couldn't lose. A decision that prevented me from fighting a fight that I couldn't win, but that I had every right to pour my heart into under those lights once more.

So I looked at that coat today and I wondered. Have I ever driven so hard as I did that year for a sport I then walked away from in anger? Have I ever wanted something so much since then? I don't think I have. I think that was my cynical life lesson. No guts, no glory is a phrase that doesn't quite mean what you want it to. You see, sometimes the guts don't help. It's still out of your control.

I took two things away from that lesson. One, I will still drive headlong into the fight if it is worth fighting. Two, I am not going to break my back for a maybe out there in the future. I will keep my fights close. I will keep them when they come to me.

Is this supposed to be inspirational? No. I am not pointing out a road the rest of you should take. Just pointing out again what most of you already know. I am far from a perfect man. That's just life, or something close to it.

Answering Services

I have been encouraged by several friends to present this little tutorial, and as such it has been a collaborative effort, despite the first person approach. It provides helpful suggestions, but is also intended for people with a sense of humor. If you don't have one, I think there is a number you can call to get one shipped free of charge. I am not sure what it is. Go research it. For the rest of you, here goes:

Hi. You don't know me, but you have talked to me a hundred times. I am the answering service operator. I am the person who gets paid to talk to you when the office closes and you need help. If you need your doctor and his office has gone home, you will talk to me and I will get him for you. If you need your furnace repaired and the main office is closed, you will talk to me and I will get a technician for you. I am the man behind the scenes that makes your life easier. As such, I want to provide you with tips to help make my life easier, and yours as a result, when you are dealing with me. I am a professional, and will do my job despite how you treat me, but it is a stressful job. You know what stressed out postal workers do. I don't recall hearing about anyone in my profession shooting the place up, but it could happen. As such, this is also a plea. Please don't antagonize my co-workers and get me killed. Why should you care? Because then I can't get your doctor for you or get your furnace fixed. While focusing on the medical in many cases, bear in mind that there are few exceptions that don't apply to commercial accounts as well.

These notes are in no particular order:
- No matter what time of the day or night it is, listen to what the person answering the phone says when they do so. Most of the time we state we are an answering service in the answer phrase.
- If we are inside the hours of 11:30a-1pm, assume you might be speaking to an answering service.
- If we are outside of the hours of 9a-5p, assume you might be speaking to an answering service.
- Assume you might be speaking to an answering service.
- Declaring that the office is supposed to close at 4:30pm and it is only 4pm will not cause the office to magically re-open for you.
- The fact that it is almost 8am and the office opens then will not get you through to the office. They open at 8am.
- The fact that it is past 8am and the office opens at 8am but you reached me will not get you through to the office. They aren't open. Take it up with them.
- We get the calls when the office can't or won't take them. We can't force them to take their phones back. We can encourage them to do so, in order to prevent hostilities towards us. Trust me, this is what we are doing when you call during their normal business ours. Don't harass us. We bite.
- Calling the emergency number because you were on hold too long with the office won't get you through any faster. We will tell you to call back and you will go to the back of the line.
- We get busy sometimes. Deal with it.
- 24 hours means 24 hours, not just a change in date on the calendar. If you want me to put you through to the office after they close to cancel an appointment the next day, to avoid the late fee, you are too late. 24 hours is after the office closes tomorrow. Try counting it out. It's easy. 24 hours is the same time the next day, not just the next day.
- Say goodbye when the call is finished. Don't just hang up. It is rude. If you have to call back again, you won't remember me, but I might remember you. (Of course this doesn't hurt you any, since I am still a professional and can't actually will someone's brain to start bleeding with my immense mental powers.)
- If I get testy after answering the same question for you three times in a row, that doesn't make me a prick. It makes you an idiot.
- If someone asks if you can hold, answer them. Unlike many offices, we wait to hear your answer. This could be life threatening and we acknowledge this.
- If it isn't life threatening, you can hold. We are triaging calls. The guy with the heart attack won't appreciate how important you think you are while he waits for you. (This applies to commercial systems as well. It's the same answering service. A leaking water heater is frustrating, but do you think someone should die for your impatience?)
- Don't start your conversation with the word "yes." If I just asked if you can hold, you will go on hold even if you keep talking.
- If I ask you for your name, give me your name, not the patient's name. I will get to that question soon. If you aren't sure I will get to it, add, "But I am not the patient" after your name. Then I can tell you if I care.
- If I am asking questions, don't try to seize control of the conversation to tell me what the important information is. If I need to know, I will ask. You are just slowing me down, and thus slowing down the response time.
- The question: "Cut where?" Refers to the body part, not the room you were in when it happened.
- If your child's first name has an apostrophe, don't make me ask you how to spell it. Just assume I can only spell normal names.
- If I ask you to spell your last name, and it is Smith, spell it anyway. Don't assume I know how to spell it. Assume my company cares enough about you to require I verify all pertinent details.
- Don't start throwing details at me. Let me ask the questions. It will save you the trouble of repeating yourself once I have gotten to where I need to be and can record the information in the order I need to.
- Don't say you don't know what the problem it. I don't want a diagnosis. If you knew what the problem was, you probably wouldn't be speaking to me. I want to know what possessed you to dial the phone.
- Answering machine and answering service are two different things. I am human and can respond. Don't point out that I can't be an answering service because I answer you. It doesn't point out your clue-finding capabilities. It points out that you should have stayed in school.
- Don't ask me if I am kidding when I tell you the office is closed, or anything else for that matter. What company do you know of that allows their representatives to fuck with callers at will?
- If I request a piece of information, don't tell me why I don't need it. Odds are good that I will just ask you again.
- Yes, I need a date of birth. Always! Even if you are calling a plumber. Well, not if you are calling a plumber, but if you are calling a medical professional, I need to know. Don't ask me why. (Not because I don't know, but because there are many reasons why this is needed, and I am not going to take the time here to tell you all of them.)
- If I ask seemingly irrelevant questions about what is going on with you(such as what the medication you need refilled is taken for), it is probably because what you told me is not going to elicit a callback. I'm doing you a favor. Play along. You are welcome.
- I am not asking you what your problem is for my own amusement. I am asking because I need to know. You may think it is the most embarrassing or grossest thing I will ever hear. You are wrong. I could tell you stories. No, wait, I couldn't. Because I am bound by the same laws that keep your doctor from telling anyone about your case. I've taken calls from my own grandmother. Deal with it.
- If you need to speak to a doctor and you called me, don't hand the phone to someone else and have them explain.
- If, out of necessity, you can't speak to me (bear in mind, I have waited out contractions to take information) make sure the person you hand the phone to can answer my questions without your help.
- Do not assume I am typing what you say word for word. I am not. It is quite possible you are a moron who needs their problems to be translated into a language a real human can understand.
- More frequently, you are a normal human being, but don't speak the medical lingo.
- Understand that if you tell me everything that is going on, a brief synopsis goes to the doctor and you will have to explain yourself to him all over again.
- If I give the doctor all of the details, you will have to explain yourself all over again.
- Briefly, what is the problem? Notice the word brief. Try headache, dizziness, nausea. That's what I am typing anyway if you give me a three page essay that describes these three symptoms.
- Your message should never include the words "last week" unless that is when you had a surgery (or when your furnace was worked on, etc...) I don't want to know that you saw your doctor for stomach pains last week. These things go across pagers. If you give me a history of your pain for the last week, the doctor will see: "Stomach pain."
- If you speak something like Russian or Chinese and you live in NY, compensate. Don't expect us to speak your language. (Author's note: This isn't prejudice, we have operators that speak six different languages. They don't all work at the same time. The odds are against you.)
- If you are deaf, and calling via TTY, I am sorry, the conversation will be delayed by medium. Let me help you: If you are calling a medical office, provide full name of yourself and patient if different. Provide date of birth, regular physician, phone number and brief indication of problem. If I need anything else I will ask, but I can probably take this down as I hear it. TTY operators read slow enough, and I can ask them to re-read. If commercial, I need your name, phone number, address including city/state/zip, and what the problem is. Throw in if you are regular customer and what warranties you have, I might need that. If I need anything else I will ask.
- For the rest of you, ignore the above. Well, not completely. That is what I will need to know. I can type as fast as you talk, but not all operators can. Further, I will have problems if I get the information out of order. (Above order not always consistent.) Just expect these are the questions I will expect you to answer.
- There are on call doctors. You won't necessarily get to talk to the one you know. If you can wait until the morning if your doctor is not on call, you can wait until the morning if he is. Have a heart. He might be at his daughter's dance recital or sleeping.
- Your doctor is not the only one who will understand. If it is serious and he is monitoring, he filled in the o/c (on call physician). If you just know him well, the o/c can probably help. If it is beyond the o/c's capabilities, he will contact your doctor.
- If you call, prepare to have a stranger return your call. If it's an emergency, this guy your doctor trusts is trusted for a reason.
- If you thank me, I assume the call is over. I appreciate your thanks, but please save it until the end. I will hang up after responding with my appreciation.
- An answering service can't help you with your billing questions. Call back in the morning. (Or after lunch if applicable.)
- An answering service can't schedule or verify appointments. Call back in the morning.
- Part of being professional involves preparing and protecting our clients. If you swear at and abuse us, your doctor might find "caller hostile and abusive" in the message. We aren't tattling, we are letting the doctor prepare to be professional with you. Just bear in mind, the office may know how you personally deal with the people they rely on so heavily.

Undoubtedly my friends will provide me with more info, but that is a pretty decent list thus far. Now please, do me a favor. Please respond and tell me you are taking these issues to heart. In fact, please feel free to link this or copy and paste without linking it to help all of thus answering service folks out while they are serving you. Those answering service folks spend all day listening to your misfortunes, don't compound it by being rude to them and making their life harder.

If you don't take these to heart, we will still do our jobs. So ultimately, your treatment of us will not effect us much. This gives the abuser the power. I guess that's just life, or something close to it.

My White Wolf

I can't figure out how to get my wolf to live in my sidebar without banishing my links again. So he will live her until I have played with it enough to make it work.

Just another challenge in blogger life or something close to it.

*Note: I obviously made it work now, and so I removed the wolf code from this post, but I decided to leave the post so Lisanocerous could see that I can learn the tricks she teaches me and adapt. :)

Religion, from an onion's perspective.

The Onion, to be more precise.

A little humor for your life, or something close to it.

Who gave this guy a camera phone?

Yet another Emily picture.



I actually wasn't aware that she had a bathrobe, but this is what she looks like in it. (Martha is even now informing me that it is one of the things she got from Mosquito and the Naked Bitch. So thanks to both of you, even if only one or less of you reads this ever.)

Another voyeuristic opportunity in the observation of a little life, or something close to it.

One of my biggest fears.

One of my biggest fears is having something significant and unexpected of a medical nature happen to me. The reason is based on the fact that if your average person collapsed to the floor, unconscious, or started twitching and acting incoherently, an ambulance would be called and they would get medical attention. If something of that sort were to happen to me, I would probably be picked up off the floor and laid on the couch where my family would watch me die, waiting for it to pass.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect such a problem to ever occur, but it bothers me nonetheless. Particularly on days like today.

I woke up on the couch a little after noon today. Since that point I have once again been able to put the pieces together based on what others told me. My wife came to take a shower and found me lying on the floor in the bathroom, twitching. Unable to get a response from me, she ended up getting my father who picked me up and carried me to the couch. My wife tells me that the first responses she got out of me were repeated assertions that I had to go home, take a shower, and get ready for work. She was unable to convince me that I was home, or that she had called me off of work. I also handed over forty dollars, which implies to me that I must have won when we played poker last night. Either that or I robbed someone. Maybe both. :)

This has happened twice now within a week's time. Something I will have to address with the doctor. Unfortunately, this is what leads into this fear of mine. That is the protocol. These episodes are things that are discussed afterwards. There is nothing an emergency room can do, and such visits are expensive, so when they happen my family waits it out. I wonder if at some point in the future there will be something serious going on that my family waits out, assuming it is part of this problem.

Unfortunate possibilities that play into my life, or something close to it.

Emily Continues Growing

Emily had her checkup appointment today. She now weighs 15lbs, 13 ounces. She is 26.5 inches long and her head is 45cm.

The doctor is impressed with her development, coordination and personality. Of course he had to corroborate what we already know, that she is just a beautiful baby girl. So here she is today:



Another smile for another day in a little life, or something close to it.

Unfortunate Loss

I was going to link to the story, but RNews doesn't seem to have permanent links, so my link undoubtedly would have been routed elsewhere eventually.

Last night a State Trooper, Andrew Sperr, was shot and killed in the line of duty after a bank robbery. He was an Aquinas graduate like myself, and a ten year veteran of the force.

For those of you who believe in the power of doing so, I would ask for your prayers for his family and friends. A man who will put his life on the line for the rest of us is definitely deserving of respect in my books.

A tragic end to a promising life, or something close to it.

Scary Lady

Tinkerbell pointed this out to me, and I thought I would share with the rest of you. What we have here is a rather scary lady from trading spouses after she got home. (It is a 5min 31sec video, no download necessary) The woman is a Christian who just spent time with a Wiccan family. It's hilarious. If you can't stomach the whole thing, skip to the end and find out how staunchly she believes in what she's saying about not keeping the money.

Odd little tidbits from life, or something close to it.