I haven't posted in a while.

That's life or something close to it.

A Different POV

"Sometimes you people amuse me with these petty arguments of yours and sometimes you make me angry." She says this too me even as I plan to jump back into the fray.
"Which is it now?" I ask.
"You would be wiser to ask why, so you wouldn't have to ask which in the future. Come, walk for a moment. Your computer friends can wait for me."
I get up from the computer and I walk downstairs. Rolling a cigarette with one hand has become no easier, and I sense she is getting impatient. Probably as much for the abuse to my body as for the delay. One dead lighter and four books of matches later, my hand throbbing, I have been chided, but I am listening.
"Note the breeze and the sunshine and remember that this is where you find me. Not upstairs in front of the computer. Your arguments about free will are foolish and self serving. Obviously you have the will to argue, and what I know or don't serves no point in this question unless you are planning to try and get around me. I am pleased that you demonstrate a desire to know me and to gain wisdom, but none of you are doing anything at this point other than trying to prove yourselves right.
"There are many teachings that I have provided you. Why focus on this one? Why not focus on the charges I have given? To love one another and care for each other and this planet. Wouldn't that be a better effort?
"I didn't give you your charge so that you could seem more important. Reverend, Pastor or random person on the street, you are all as important to me. You are supposed to teach those you cross paths with about my desires, not beat them with my words. Some of you declare eternal torment at the drop of the hat, when you haven't the power to enforce it. I do. Since it is my power, you stick to the teaching. Leave the threats to me.
"It matters little to me what stories you teach, what names you give to help people understand. Just lead them to me and I will do the rest. I am more than capable. I did reach you after all.
"Let me leave off for now with a simple parental admonition. Play nice, and don't lie or threaten in my name (any of them), and remember you are all just as important to me. Your own parents might have warned that angering them might warrant a spanking. You don't want me to have to spank you to get your attention."

Busy Weekend

On Saturday it was back to work for me after a quite enjoyable day with my wife and daughter. A friend of mine whom I hadn't seen in a while had come over Friday afternoon and stayed for several hours, and I even got some decent sleep. All good parts to the formula. Work was fairly uneventful, but busy enough to go by quickly.

On my way home, I stopped to try my numbers once on the "Quick Pick". A drawing began right before my numbers went in and hit on all four. My drawing didn't hit any. So a slightly quicker pace across the street could have made the difference between winning $55 and my loss of $2. Oh well. I got home and helped to get the baby together and ready to go for a walk in her new stroller. We took her over to my in-laws' house for a barbecue to celebrate Martha's birthday. A great time, as always was had by all over there.

When we got home we found a cradle full of kids toys, books and blankets; a box full of the same, and one of those things you put the baby in that bounces and has all of the toys attached. All of these were stacked neatly by the door. We are presuming they are all items from the yard sale that had been going on across the street, but we still haven't identified the donors yet.

This spontaneous gifting alarmed me, and mildly annoyed me at first. I told Martha that a) I wasn't used to being on the receiving end of charity from a stranger, I am generally on the other side and b) If there was going to be a gesture like this I would like to at least look the other guy in the eye. Martha startled me when she summed it up neatly, saying, "So that your pride could step up and you could say 'No thanks, we're all set here.'" She's probably right. I probably would have, so I guess it is just as well the timing was as it was.

That being as it was, I closed out the evening by playing my new PS2 World Champion Poker game until about 4 am. (My mother's gift to Martha for her birthday was watching the baby overnight.

Sunday rolled around and the family all geared up and went to my company picnic. I always enjoy these things and they get better every year. A couple of the staple items remain the same, though. Lots of beer, and some seriously competitive volleyball. Tradition stands, and our team won in the end. I even managed to avoid seriously injuring my knee this year. Another thing that is good news is that it appears that my hand isn't actually broken, just severely sprained. Bad news is that it is my left hand and I am left handed.

My boss questioned whether I would be out long for the hand injury since I type for a living, but I told her that was just silly. I type so much faster than most of my co-workers that tying one hand behind my back will make us even. I am fairly certain she appreciated the humor, and more certain she appreciates not having to rework the schedule.

So that was my eventful weekend. Just another couple of pages in my life, or something close to it.

Rain

It's raining out here. Not too heavy. Just a little earth refreshing type of rain. My apologies to our Carolina friend, but I have always loved rain in all of its form. Even, to some extent during its most destructive fury. Not that I want to pay the price for said fury.

This morning has been a decent one. I didn't have to work today, so I slept in until about 9am. I was awakened by my wife saying, "How about staying with daddy for a moment."

Opening my eyes, I found little was in fact being expected of me at this point. Martha laid Emily down in the middle of the bed next to me and I spent several minutes just looking down at this beautiful baby girl who was looking back up at me with a look of wonder on her face. This was definitely a new trick for both of us.

Martha came back and fed her and I wandered into the computer room to check on my mail, blogs, and message boards. When Emily was done eating, once more I got to take her back, and for much of the morning I have been chatting with friends on line with this little angel nestled into my arm and alternating between dozing and staring up at me. So here I still am. She is eating again behind me but the last couple of hours have lazed by wonderfully. Listening to the rain falling outside and the distant thunder, feeling the moisture in the air and relaxing with a little music and the company of my wife and daughter.

So it happened this morning. I thought it had already happened but I was wrong. I figured that out today. I don't need the sun to be shining. It is a bright day despite the rain. Three weeks ago my daughter was born. It wasn't until this morning that our family was. Or perhaps it was, and today we simply christened it. Regardless of which is the case, I feel it now. The family unit with whom I will walk hand in hand through life, or something close to it.

A New Day

First, a format note for those of you desiring to comment. I have added word verification to try and stop the sudden spamming on my blog. I still want to know what comments you folks have, so make sure you fill that part out.

Thank you for your varying comments of support based on my post from last night. Everyone has a bad day. Yesterday was one of mine. Today, life goes on.

I am not going to go too much into what prompted that issue yesterday. Unfair I know after putting a post like that out there, but I suppose that's my right. Sorry folks.

Today was an interesting day, that brought me to think about the question that I proposed yesterday. That of the bonuses, if any of doing right by others and helping them out. Here is what happened.

I stopped into the bar after work to use their ATM so I could buy a bus pass. I convinced myself that it wouldn't be fair play to not buy something after using their ATM so I bought a beer. One beer and twenty minutes later I was on my way to buy the bus pass. On the way I passed a bum who is familiar to all in the area. He is generally hostile to all and I have never assisted him. Quite the contrary, I have frequently run him off when he got hostile to others. Today he calmly asked if I had a cigarette, so I gave it to him. When he asked for a light I also gave him my spare lighter. (No I am not nominating myself for sainthood, just giving the facts.) When he asked if I had any change to spare I truthfully told him no.

After waiting in line for twenty minutes to get my bus pass, I stepped up to the counter to find that I had twenty six dollars in my pocket. The change from my twenty dollar bill after buying a beer and tipping the bartender.

So I walked back from midtown to Richmonds to straighten things up with the bartender. On the way, my homeless acquaintance began pestering me for money, apparently forgetting how happy he was with the spare lighter I offered. The bartender on the other hand was shocked by the fact that I had returned with the money and bought me a beer. Shortly thereafter I was on my way, and considering to myself the two examples of humanity. On the one hand my quite unexpected gesture is almost instantly forgotten, in the other, my good deed will be remembered. In neither case does this help me at all. So why help people then? I can't help them all, I would drown if I tried. This leaves no reason than to just do it for myself. No wonder nobody helps anyone out anymore.

As a side note, MC, I am not likely to come to you and explain much about yesterday's comments either. Nothing personal, you just know how I am. If I was to discuss it with anyone you would definitely be the second most likely person for me to discuss it with. Time will tell. About this or other issues we will definitely have to sit down and talk some time soon.

Well, there are my daily musings. I have wasted enougth time. Go back to your life or something close to it.

A Bit Of Levity

I will not claim to have been abandoned by the God and the Goddess, for I know this is not true. I will say that they are the only two. I have been abandoned by my family and many of my friends. My family actively, my friends because they fail to attempt to read between the lines. This is undoubtedly my fault. I have failed to present a reason for them to do so.

My daughter is my only family member who hasn't abandoned me. Give her time under the influence of the others and she will. I can't stand on my own. I surely can't stand while holding everyone else, as I spend too much time attempting to.

Once more, my life spins out of control, and nobody notices. The few who notice don't respond. And so the cycle continues. I will destroy myself while others watch, or at the most step close enough to be hurt while I do so.

I am a man, one with strengths and weaknesses. My strengths may have helped many others, but where are they now? Gone. Living their lives with no recognition of me. My strengths don't help me. On the good days they don't chip away at my own supports, but only on the good days. My weaknesses are destroying me. Where are my counterparts? The ones who are supposed to help me in turn? Where is the combination or the repayment? There is none. I have always known this, but it is only occasionally that I get hit so hard by it. Where is my family? Standing on the sidelines expecting me to fix everything and cursing me when I don't. Assistance? Of course not.

Not all, as my sister and cousin have, have acted actively to destroy me. Still, the rest have just stood by and watched, taking pot shots as the opportunity arrives.

Will my family destroy me? Probably not. I undoubtedly will do it much quicker myself. Still they will probably make it more painful.

The only hope I have is my surety that I will always take the most painful route, so I needn't fear any sudden permanent action on my own part. Still. What is there to do? The only part of my life that means anything is my daughter, yet it becomes clear that even she is beyond any help from my corner. My area of assistance is only as a second in command. How do I teach her to command? That I have no idea. In all, perhaps she will be better if I let the world eat me alive. Maybe one of my friends will have enough respect to tell her "heroic stories" about me.

Not that I rely on this. I don't rely on anything anymore. I have no idea what to do anymore. I am not seeking your pity. I am just letting you know. I can't be the strongest one anymore. I've had enough. Not that letting you know matters. One of you is on the other side of the county and barely knows me. One of you is in Virginia or something close, and is only linked by a daughter's name. My family doesn't read this. My friends who do can't help. If my family has abandoned me there is nothing left. I have failed completely, and my friends won't be a substitute.

Lady, you know how hard I have fought for all of your children. You also know why I can't fight for myself. No one else will. For as long as it might last, that's just life, or something close to it.

A Keeper

Well, having read MC's contribution this morning I am pleased that I opened that door. As you visit my blog, for the time being at least, you are likely to continue to at least see his initials as a contributor. Partially because it is more simple than removing him and returning him again later if something comes up. Partially because, as I knew despite my misgivings, any such columns he might add in the future will be likely to be as thought provoking and insightful. Who knows if he will be inspired to post for us again.

MC, I must say I was surprised by the particular track that your argument took. This is not to say I am surprised this was your point of view, just that I was surprised by the original exposure to it. It certainly wasn't either of the topics I had thought you planned on commenting on. I was also mildly surprised that in several conversations on similar topics in the "face to face" world you referenced, this is the first time you presented this particular line of thinking.

I can't say that I am certain I completely agree with you in practicality, though perhaps more so in theory. At the very least, it has provided something for me to think about today while I have a quiet house for the next couple of hours. It saves me the trouble of thinking about how I am going to word this little speech I so don't want to make this evening. As to that, you folks may suffer with me a little later. As long as I have to craft my thoughts into some manner of presentation for an audience of little more than five I suspect, I may as well test them out on you folks as well.

If I do, it might seem a little surprising to have a sudden shift in topic, but that's just a part of life or something close to it.

A word from Mc

Hello. I'm pretty sure none of you know who I am, but I'm one of Wanderer's friend in the face to face life. He's right; his opinions and mine don't match very often. For one, I'm a pretty ardent atheist whereas he has always been involved in at least one religion. The reason why I so Horshackianly asked for guest article privileges is in response to mention of third-party interlopers who would like to make demands upon Wanderer in regards to his kid's religious upbringing. As per Wanderer's request, I am going to make a serious attempt not to offend anyone; however, I expect that you keep in mind before posting about how offended you are that because I assert my opinion does not constitute offensiveness.

Example: Meeting a communist.
- Not offensive: "I do not understand why anyone believes in this system, and I believe that anyone who endorses it is simply dreaming."
- Offensive: "Shut up you stupid Red Stalinloving idiot."

As a byote, Wanderer, don't be offended yourself either. I am planning to make a statement regarding how I believe kids' upbringings should be handled which is different than your plans. I will clarfy later why this is not hypocrisy. But don't think I'm telling you you're wrong, but what I will say will in fact be my opinion.

Anyhow, now that I have posted the disclaimer, as follows is my opinion regarding the aforementioned interlopers.

When someone has a kid, it falls upon that person to make the decisions for his kid. It is a responsibility, and a very important one at that. Any responsibility with the gravitas of forming a mind which will one day plague our planet if not done well (witness rednecks (yes I know that was offensive, but I really hate rednecks) ) must be thoroughly examined before any undertaking of said is done.

What is the responsibility here? Is the responsibility to make sure you raise a Christian? Is the responsibility to raise a Wiccan? No. Is it to raise an atheist? Surprisingly, no. It is none of these. The responsibility is to raise a kid who is capable of examining data and drawing responsible conclusions for themselves. Faith is the exact opposite of this. Faith is believing something because someone told you that and insisted it was true. There is, in my opinion, no difference between faith and gullibility. No one would advocate raising a gullible child.

If you can't raise a kid as a Christian, a Wiccan, a Muslim, or even an Atheist, then what can you do?

Simple. But before I tell you, let's tangentially discuss the relative differences between sex and religion as they affect the world. I promise this is relevant.

Religion: Makes people feel bad about themselves.
Sex: Makes people feel good.
Religion: Accomplishes nothing, in my opinion.
Sex: Good workout, builds bonds, procreation.
Religion: Is used as an impetus for wars, genocides, and holocausts.
Sex: Isn't.
Religion: Tells you how to live your life by force of ultimatum, regardless of extenuating circumstances.
Sex: Doesn't.

There are many more points of contrast, but what I hope to demonstrate is that religion is at least as dangerous as sex, and religion abused is much more dangerous than sex abused. Since society traditionally accepts sex as something that should not be revealed to children, I contend that neither should religion.

This is my suggested approach. Volunteer nothing of religion to your children. Respond to direct questions by expressing that it's not appropriate quite yet but you will be happy to answer their questions when they are older. Monitor their television and movie-watching to avoid exposing them to religious material. Let them come to you as an adolescent with a clean slate and as few preconceptions as possible. Then you can explain in an informative and educational tone about religion, and avoid persuasive connotations.

Do you see that, in the above, if the word religion was switched to the word sex that it would be exactly what a socially-accepted "responsible" adult would do? Do you see that all of the reasons why you do not encourage your children to become sexually active can be applied if you simply switch the word "sexually" to the word "religiously" in this very sentence? I submit that it is recklessly irresponsible to do otherwise.

Why should you insist your child believe what you tell them, verbatim, when the only reason why you believe it is because someone insisted it to them many years ago. And the only reason why THAT person believed it is because someone insisted it to them. And so on. And so on. And so on, in regards to the three major Judeo-Christian religions, through innumerable translations and intentional alterations, back to a desert nomad who had not had proper food or shelter for many months, who rode into town expounding upon what he was told by a piece of flaming shrubbery. The above is not to persuade you against religion, although, parenthetically, if anyone is intersted, Wanderer can put you in touch with me regarding that. I simply mean to demonstrate that for any subject of which it is not traditionally considered blasphemy to doubt, this manner of information passage would never be accepted by anyone, and you would certainly never lead your child to base his life around non-religious information received in this manner. You don't teach your kid that there was an Atlantis. You don't teach your kid that Roswell houses alien craft. You don't teach your kid that the Soviet Union, Fidel Castro, the Federal Government, and the tobacco industry conspired to kill Kennedy. Why do you teach them that there is an invisible superbeing who both demands to be praised, acknowledged, and obeyed yet refuses to demonstrate his existence or communicate directly to anyone, or teach them that they can perform sorcery, or teach them that a beggar is such because in a past life he wronged good people? Would not a lot more responsible decision-making occur if the choice of religion or lack thereof took place as an adolescent or at least as an adult?

To insist to another adult that said adult teach any of these things to their kids, through attempted application of pressure or any other means, is in my estimation unconscienable. Though I expound upon my views on the matter, and though I put forth my suggestions for what he do, and, though this may be hard to understand, even though I have stated that I believe it is, to quote, "recklessly irresponsible" to do otherwise, I have in actuaity never instructed him to do anything. Not above, not below, not face-to-face. If you don't believe me, feel free to ask Wanderer if I've ever said anything to him one way or the other about his kid, ever, except the time I tried to make a $100 bet that I could convince her to be a lesbian by the time she was 14 which of course was mostly in jest.

I suppose I'll wrap this up. If anyone has any questions, comments, or feedback of any sort, all of which are appreciated and encouraged, feel free to contact me at Irish84210@aol.com with a subject that indicates what it's about to avoid my spam assumption. Also feel free to leave comments on the boards. No religious fervor-related flames, please. Just assume you said it, and I told you go back to 6th grade and have them re-teach the part about the Scientific Method over and over until you finally get it, and it'll save us a conversation.

I have nothing to preface the standard ending of life, or something like it.

My Turn For The Can Of Worms

I am going to bed now with mild trepidation. Per MC's request, I have provided him with the ability to add his guest column. I hope I don't end up regretting it. :) In preparation, I will add this disclaimer that his opinions and mine very frequently don't match. Still, since I value his opinion on many things higher than most others, I unleash him upon you.

That doesn't mean I am not going to be dreaming of natural disasters and horrors beyond belief as a result of this decision, but that's part of life, or something close to it. :)

Lots of Thoughts

I received a text message (a series of them, all connected) the other day from a friend of my older sister's whom I have met precisely once. I received this text from my sister, since he sent it to her with the request that she forward it to me.

The message instructed me to get my ass out of the bar and go home to take care of my daughter. (I hadn't been in the bar, I was in fact on my way home from work, not that this is too important an issue in the overall scheme of things.) He explained to me that my drinking problem and spending all of my time in the bar was going to estrange me from my daughter like he is estranged from his fourteen year old son.

This portion of the message has some merit. I believe I indicated to you folks that the time around the last day or two of my wife and daughter being in the hospital, and the first day or two while I was trying to figure out what to do with this little thing, I did spend several hours each day after work in the bar. I won't deny or excuse that. Then I got my ass out of the bar and went back to my wife to figure out how to do my part.

He goes on to say that I should stop riding my sister's ass about being a bad mom. (Sorry about the language by the way, I am mostly relaying the tone of the message itself.) I haven't said anything recently to my sister about being a bad mom, although I have occasionally questioned whether specific actions were due to her daughter's best interest or out of spite. None of them recent. Certainly not "riding her ass."

He continued to state that the reason that I should stop my wild ride on the donkey of my older sister was because I myself was proving to be a lousy father.

Needless to say, I haven't really talked to her in the last day or so. I would say that I can't believe she would do such a thing, but I can. Here she is, not only spreading minor vulnerabilities of her brother on to strangers, but she exaggerates them to make me look like a monster. Obviously this guy who doesn't even live in the same state as me can't gauge my fatherhood. Why? Because nobody can. SHE'S 2 WEEKS AND 3 DAYS OLD! I haven't had time to be good or bad for her. I am neutral. I am the chest she sleeps on while I watch poker in the evenings. I am the one that walks with her to calm her down when her mother is done feeding her. There is no good or bad yet. I honestly haven't had enough time to screw up yet, even if I am going to.

Unfortunately, Meg's friend did have one good point that he got across loud and clear. No matter how many times Meg has stabbed me in the back and tried to make herself the center of attention at my expense, I still can't trust her. Perhaps someday I will learn to watch my back when she is around.

That was thought one. Here is thought two: I have recently found myself embroiled in debates with several people in regards to various religious denominations and paths. I often am. In the process of this I have also run across some seriously fanatical people.

Once again I am baffled by some people's positions that we are intended to suffer because it is God's will. Or that some ancient ancestor stained us with a sin so long ago that people can't even remember where his garden was, and as such we are screwed.

Those are the usual amusing notes though. Here is the new one I have contemplated. I have come across several people once again that are of a type I haven't had to deal with in such a discussion in a while. The people who don't mask the pleasure they get in the concept that they will go to heaven and get front row seats to the damnation of the world. What spiteful bastards. This is what your God is about? This is little different from those who declare that the step should be accelerated by the killing of the offenders. Suicide bombers attacking non-muslims, so called christians killing abortion doctors, other such "christians" encouraging on web sites and regular protests the murder of homosexuals. This is what God is about then? Anybody can be forgiven, including you if you take it upon yourself to kill someone before they can be saved?

These things are popping up in alarming regularity in many more examples than I have provided from all of these "mainstream religions" and they all attack me for my "and it harm none."

This seems like lunacy. Perhaps only God can understand it. Perhaps it is just life or something close to it.

Checking In

Even when I haven't been posting the last week or so, I have been checking in, and as always I appreciate all of your responses. I usually check in early in the evening and then plan on posting a bit later after giving myself some time to reflect. Then I curl up with the baby until I have been up way too late with a sleeping baby on my chest and go to bed. This has pretty much been my pattern since the baby came home.

With that in my mind, I will log off for now and reflect. I am certain I will be back to post a little bit later. :) If I don't, that's just life, or something close to it.

A Week and an Eternity

I will start by pointing out to MC that the five days since my last post doesn't actually qualify as a week. You jumped the gun a little.

I am sure that you all realize that I have spent plenty of time with the baby and taken very little time to reflect on what to post. This is not to say that this blog is going to die off, I have simply been taking full advantage of the first 12 days of my daughter's existence.

These twelve days have been incredible. I knew my whole world would change, but I didn't expect them to change every day. Unfortunately, in the mean time, while I am adjusting, I have little time to think of things worth posting about.

Between the "Little Bird" and the stories of the devastation in the south, little room has been left in my mind that hasn't been sufficient simply to deal with the moment at hand. Give me a little more time to adjust and I will be back to meditating and expounding on life in general.

Little to note right now, but the one change of the last couple of days, (or documentation of a two month old change) may as well be acknowledged. I now officially have the certificate that declares to all who cares (read nobody) that I have been ordained. What is Reverend Graves doing that Steven Graves wasn't? Absolutely nothing. Good thing I went through that work, huh?

Still waiting on MC to announce we are playing some poker. In the mean time, go back to your regularly scheduled life, or something close to it.