The Time Draws Nearer

As each day passes, we get nearer and nearer to the point where Emily stops expanding Martha's belly and expands our family. In some ways I am still nervous, and in some ways I just want this baby to be born. The leading promoter of the latter has become my co-workers.

Now that she is out of work, they ask me daily how she is and how the baby is. I never quite know what to tell them. There have been minor changes in the swelling both up and down. The same with her blood pressure. She has begun to have contractions more frequently. I test my brain to the limits to come up with useful information while inside my head there is a little screaming voice that says, "If there were any major changes that were any of your business, you would have heard by now!"

So now I sit around at home once more, waiting on the arrival of two people whose time to join us is as of yet unknown to me. One is my daughter, whom only a higher power knows what date she will choose. The other of mine is a friend who is getting out of the service right around now, the precise date of which is unknown to me only because my memory is bad and I can't get ahold of him. I am guessing he will show up first though. I also worry that I might be wrong. My boss made it a point to take me aside today and tell me that they obviously needed me to work on schedules tomorrow, but if my wife went into labor she obviously understood. A little unnerving given the fact that she pegged my niece's birth down to the day and she had only met her once.

So there we have the obvious contradiction of me saying I want her to just be here and saying I am worried she might do just that. I am not sure which is more unnerving in my boss's comment though. The fact that she was laying out the supposition that my wife might go into labor tomorrow, and has been right in the past, or that she felt the need to convince me that if my wife went into labor I really didn't need to come into work.

At first I was slightly offended by the imagined insinuation that I would miss my own daughter's birth to fill a shift, but I have given some examples in the past to such a thought process, including but not limited to re-scheduling an anniversary dinner with my wife so the two of us could bail the company out of a hectic situation. This is slightly different though. I can't exactly say, "Hold on Emily, I will be back in about six hours and we can pick up where we left off." Nevermind the fact that if I could my wife would surely not be thrilled by the delay.

Of course, as we get closer I have a whole new set of worries. Those that have to do with the whole delivery process. My wife is pretty calm about it thus far, but then, what does she have to work herself up about? (Ducking various flying books.)

I watched the end of this comedy about the miracle of childbirth the other day, coming in just shortly before Emily (coincedentally enough) was born into the world. There were many humorous points to the scene, but only one registers in my mind. The woman laying on the bed screaming, "Where have you been? You've been running around the hospital like a girl scout while I have been trying to push a watermelon out of my...."

Oh yeah, as if that whole delivery process isn't going to be bad enough without having to deal with Martha turning into Attilla the Hun. :)

Truthfully I do have one major concern about the birth of my child and we have already discussed remedying it by acquiring a video recorder. While some question whether or not this is the right thing to do, my one underlying fear is that of being afflicted by the Cosmic Trickster at the most inopportune moment. I can envision Martha getting down to the final stretch and finding myself stricken at that precise moment by one of my (thankfully less frequent) episodes and being unconscious through it. (Wait, I missed it, push her back in.)

Anyway there are just a few things I have been stewing over the last couple of days. Still, I will try to take it one day at a time and look for the lessons to be learned along this road that we call life, or something close to it.

The Family Gets Larger

July 22nd, at 15:35 Eastern Standard Time Alexa Nicole Anne Alscheff was born. 7lbs 3 oz, 20 inches. From all tales she is a beautiful baby. Not that anyone ever says otherwise, but I believe them. Both mother and baby are fine and will be coming home soon. Congratulations to Roseanne, and welcome Alexa to life, or something close to it.

A Mother's Love

You pray to me when you need help, and I grant it to you. You tell me that you love me and seek to give what I would have of you, and I believe you. Yet you take yourself too seriously.

You do not dance for me, for you fear looking foolish. You forget I have seen you in the shower. You will not sing to me, for your voice is not perfect. You forget that I hear you in your car. You do not offer me poetry and flowery speeches, dramas or entertainment, fearing your attempts would seem amateurish and ill-prepared. You forget that I witnessed your wedding proposal. I have seen the worst of you, and loved you still. Why would I scoff at your best?

Dance in the rain that I give you. That's what it is there for. You will dry.
Laugh with the wind that roars by you. You won't be laughing alone.
Sing to your babies in the evening. They are too young to know you're off key.
When you smile, don't check the shade of your teeth, or count how many are missing. Count the number of people who smile back.
If you plan something serious in my honor, know there will be mistakes. If those around you laugh, they have the right idea.

Bask in the sun, smile at the moon, and stop to smell the roses. The bills will still be there later. Remember when you tell me you love me to wait long enough for me to respond. Remember when you need help with your problems to ask. If my help is not apparent, it may not have been as needed as you thought. After all, if I do everything for you, what will you have to be proud of? How in turn will you make me proud?

Smile wide, laugh often, and if you are not singing, then listen. I will sing to you.

A Wedding, Some Thoughts

I had the honor of being one of the guests at a beautiful wedding ceremony yesterday, as well as celebrating with the happy couple afterwards. While taking part in this celebration, I found many thoughts running through my mind beyond joy for the new couple.

I thought back to my own wedding. The few parts I could remember anyway. I find it surprising that it was almost seven years ago. It got me thinking about all of the wonderful times, and the sad times that have come and gone in this short period of time. Some of the thoughts were somewhat comical in nature, some more serious.

I listened to the vows and remembered the near identical ones that Martha and I took. It made me realize that we are slacking. We are still waiting for the parts involving "richer" and "health" among other things. We have done the sickness and the poor parts. Of course it is a decent trade off I suppose. After all we have also been seriously slacking in the "worse" portion. I would say the relationship has just kept getting better, so we can handle the little speed bumps.

I also found myself looking way too far forward, as I watched the bride and her father dancing out on the floor. I suppose it is a little premature for me to already be thinking that may be me one day, but I still did. I think this is where Chip will tell me to relax again. :)

My head has been swimming since I left the reception, with thoughts that were inspired by the ceremony and celebration. Thoughts of the past, of the future and of the present. That is the power of such celebrations though, as we share precious moments of our lives with others in this manner. Such beautiful memories and wonderful expectations that were inspired by this special moment are why I feel honored to have been there, to take my part in her future happy memories.

That's just my take of the day on this life, or something close to it.

Pre-Postpartum Anxiety

The drama of Martha's pregnancy continues to have it's slightly alarming moments. She showed up at the place that we both work yesterday after a doctor's appointment I missed since I was working. She informed me that she was being pulled out of work, and that she was waiting for some paperwork regarding disability to be sent over from the other office. Due to the fact that we were so busy at this point, that was as far as the conversation was able to go. In truth, I didn't give it too much thought, since I was expecting her to get pulled out of work, and if there was anything of imminent importance for me to know, she would have shared.

It was nearly three hours later, when I overheard my boss talking to the owner of the company. She was informing him that Martha was out of work until at least mid-September. She also informed him that due to the borderline toxemia (which I knew about) and the gestational hypertension (which I didn't know about), they were going to try to hold off for two more weeks before the baby was born.

She asked me how I felt about being a daddy in two weeks, and to be completely honest, I had nothing I could say to this. My wife is due on August 17, not July 29. This was shocking news to me, and having no idea what gestational hypertension was, this news was somewhat alarming. Any news that involves waiting two more weeks before my wife goes into labor when she has five weeks to go is alarming.

The baby is still healthy, though. My wife is still basically healthy as well. So all in all, this isn't really anything that bad. Which is why my wife waited for me to come home to tell me about it. My boss was a little off anyway. They are watching Martha closely, and if anything alarming comes up in the bloodwork, they would prefer to wait at least two weeks, but they will have to react to it. In short, it may be a little over two weeks, but not likely the five we were originally expecting.

So, sorry Lisa and Mark. August 18th looks like it is almost definitely a no-go. Then again, only time will tell. We have definitely gotten to a point where we are only looking at this a couple of days at a time.

All of this had me thinking last night. Which is why the post I had intended to put out here never made it. I will provide those thoughts that were going to be here over the next couple of days I am sure. I am sure you all understand. What I was thinking about was a little different than what some of you may assume though. I was thinking that in two weeks this baby may be born. Not only will I have this small child that will need all of my attention, guidance and care, but something awful is going to come with it. Martha won't be pregnant anymore.

When I should have been thinking of all that the baby would need, all of the responsibility, and all of the work that is bearing down on us, my mind kept wandering. That large belly that keeps Martha from being able to wrap her arms around me will be gone. No more putting my nose up against it and getting kicked for the effort. No more little ripples of movement. So many "no mores." It seems absurd, but there is a definite part of me that is going to miss the pregnancy portion of things. I am sure this isn't the beginning of some on-going neurosis that I am facing, but it just never once crossed my mind these last couple of months that her having this baby means she won't be pregnant anymore.

One more little change, one of many I have yet to face. One more little surprise that comes with life or something close to it.

The Art of Giving

I was once told that one should be careful that they don't give to much, lest they look in a mirror and find nothing there.

I spend so much time trying to help others, worrying about others and concentrating on them that I rarely take time to be concerned about myself. Apparently I lead by example, because so frequently, no one else seems to be either.

I have been published twice in my life. Once was in fourth grade for a publication geared toward that age, with a story involving a particularly athletic Christmas tree. It hardly counts and really doesn't need to be mentioned.

The second was in a nation wide Pagan publication about a year ago. A story that prompted the tattoo that now exists on my back. Both contain significant metaphoric and introspective meanings to me, and for once my father, the publication and I were in the same place today. I handed it to him and he read it.

I would love to tell you more, but that is it. He read it, he put it down, he went about what he was doing. No comment, no question as to what it might mean to me. No curiousity about the inspiration that resulted in the story and the artwork that was so great I wear it permanently. Nothing.

I don't know what I expected. Maybe it was just that. Maybe that was why I had never shown it to him. Perhaps that is the greatest risk that any man faces though. Bearing one's soul just to find that nobody is impressed.

Oh well. Time to put such thoughts away. After all, others need me to be strong. Others "know" I am unflappable. That's just part of my life, or something close to it.

Fears and Anxieties of Impending Fatherhood

Well, time is moving by in an eternity that lasts only a few seconds. It seems I learned only yesterday that I was going to be a father and tomorrow she will be born. Well, according to the due date, we still have about five weeks, but it still feels like tomorrow.

While still thankful for how few complications that Martha suffered in the months leading up to this, I become increasingly anxious as this seems to be a safety of the past. Now my head reels with all of the latest information there is out there. It seems like she is at the doctor's office every other day and they alarm me with yet another thing that they are watching that I apparently don't need to worry about. As if they are just watching these things for their entertainment. Of course I am going to worry.

There are simple things that almost anybody can figure out. If they do blood work three times in two weeks to check for pre-eclampsia and toxemia, it means they have a reason that they are looking. If it is extremely rare for Strep B to cause harm to mother or baby, that means sometimes it does. And I don't care what people say about it being only a minor concern, her feet weren't even close to that big before she was pregnant, and I don't have to like it just because the doctor's aren't alarmed yet. They're just watching.

I realize our mother takes care of her own, and a strong part of me has faith that we can pull through whatever life throws at us in these five weeks and beyond. Still I would love to walk into the doctor's office and here. "Wow, if only everyone could be this healthy through pregnancy."

Oh well, I guess that's just the latest chapter of our life, or something close to it.

A Multitude of July Celebrations

Well, we had a wonderful celebration out here today, in the very format and venue that I have long since come to love above nearly all others. A barbecue in Chris' backyard, with him playing the part of all star chef extraordinaire. As is so often the case, he outdid himself on the grill.

We were celebrating a multitude of blessings today. Today we saluted the fact that my wife's grandparents were married 57 years ago this day. My father was born 51 years ago this day. My sister-in-law Roseanne's 18th birthday was yesterday. My sister-in-law Amie was married four years ago Friday. All wonderful things to celebrate and acknowledge, and a wonderful time was had by all as our families gathered together to celebrate all of the wonderful aspects of our lives that this short few days symbolizes.

As was fitting for such a multi-faceted celebration, there were no fireworks or bands. Just family together, enjoying good food and good family. In it's own fashion, a meeting of people like this is precisely what our holidays were at their inception. A quiet reflection of all of the blessings we have had in our lives. A unified celebration, a gathering for feasting and sharing stories, serving as a silent reminder in the back of our minds that our families jointly celebrate these blessings because we have stood our ground joined when the times got rough.

That is what I will take away from this today. Family solidarity, in the ups and in the down. That's one of the important lessons in life, or something close to it.

Parenting

I daily find myself getting new perspectives on the issue of being a parent. The latest came today during a visit to my in-law's house. My sister-in-law had spent the whole day fighting with the father of the baby she should be delivering any day now. When she stopped answering the phone he came out here.

While all of us were inclined to allow them to work their differences out, to a point, I finally found it necessary to step in when we heard her yelling at him to move out of the way. As it turned out, he was standing in front of the door that she wanted to go through.

I insisted that he move, and he did, but he turned his anger on me, demanding to know who I was to interfere. Apparently my concern for my sister-in-law fell lower on the totem pole than him being the baby's father.

When he left, he was calling to some friends up the street, trying to convince them to help him take out his frustration with me on a physical level. None of them agreed with his position though, and he quickly left, with the warning to me that he will be back.

I am not particularly concerned about his threats, but I must say that the overall situation was disturbing. It points to the obvious fact that there is a difference between being able to father a child and being a man. Almost any male after a certain age can get a girl pregnant, but it takes a man to bear responsibility for that and do what he can to take care of her and the child.

I look around me and I see so many situations like this where the father and mother find it difficult to even be on speaking terms. So many situations where care for the welfare of the child seems secondary to the personal whims of the adults involved.

I wonder why the things that seem so obvious to me in regards to taking care of your significant other, as well as your family, seem so alien to everyone else. I know this post has been a little disjointed, but that's just today's take on life or something close to it.

Art and Flesh

The artwork on my back was completed today. It takes up much of my back. I will get Martha to take a picture with her digital camera in the next day or two and put it out here so you can see it if you wish. If in fact you have such a desire. Feel free to reply either way.

Right now I will not be writing much due to numerous impediments to said process. My back hurts if it touches anything, so I have to sit without my back against the chair. This of course strains my back in a different fashion. (No, while it might sound like it, this isn't whining, just explaining. I have nothing to whine about, I volunteered.)

My head is a little light as well. My body is tremoring just slightly and there is a little nausea. Yes, for all of you experienced in medical issues, these are all classic symptoms of shock. Not too serious though. I have people watching me, but it should pass. The addition to the tattoo on my arm a few years ago produced a minor such reaction, I kind of expected it with the larger assault of this tattoo. I will just stay awake and ride it out. If it persists, I will consult a professional. In all probability it will soon pass. Tomorrow when I am feeling a bit more of myself I will fill you folks in on what else is going on, if I can think of anything. Otherwise, I will go back to my verbal meanderings.

Until then, I hope you all find a little joy in your life, or something close to it.

Happy Fourth of July

Salutations and greetings. Happy 4th to you all, and I hope this day finds you well. Not much on the home front to announce or complain about. Martha is still getting rounder. Her feet are as well, but now that enough of us gang up on her to keep them elevated, she is doing well.

She is also having difficulty with her fingers swelling a little bit. Every one says that this is to be expected, given the heat and everything. It annoys me to hear that. If it was so "expected" by so many, you would think one of them would have warned her that it could happen over night. That she wouldn't have time to note the beginning of swelling and remove her wedding band. Now, while it doesn't cause her discomfort yet, it is firmly fixed on her finger, and she frets about the fact that we may not find a way to get it off and they might have to cut it off. (The ring, not the finger.) While we have gotten plenty of suggestions that haven't worked yet, we would be willing to take any bits of advice that experience has taught any of the rest of you on that score.

Aside from the little ring dilemma, things are going fairly well. We are getting ready to go off and watch the firework display. I hope the rest of you are enjoying yourselves, and I will be back soon with more to say. (If I don't come up with anything worth saying, I will probably say it anyway, so stay tuned.)

By the way. Anthony gave me another first experience with babies. He consumed ten ounces of formula shortly before my arrival, and shortly after my arrival it was all accounted for when he spit it all over my chest. It was like something out of the exorcist. It was quite amusing. Oddly enough he was hungry again shortly after that. Well, I guess that's just life or something close to it.