Yet Another Tangent (A Long Tangent)
I have a scar on my right foot. It stretches across the entire foot and is about an inch or so wide. Too much information, I am sure. There is a point to this though. (Not one you're likely to care about. Just a point.) The first sentence of this post coincides with a rather lengthy essay I once wrote about myself, the basic concept of which I have been thinking about and expounding on today.
As I grew up, there were many different people I wanted to be. Many different people I tried to be. There have also been many different faces I have warn in my development and growth to the point I have reached now. One thing has been constant though. The scar. I am a pagan minister now, but this has not always been the case. If you go back just a little ways, I was just a practicing pagan, searching for the truth. A man who hadn't begun the process that resulted in ordination. A man with a scar on his right foot. If you go back nearly eight years, I would have been a single man, just out of the service. The scar was there. It was there when I entered the service too. It was there when I went to a Catholic High School. Further back, it was there when I was still Catholic. The scar goes back further than my own memories do. I don't remember it, but at three years old, without even knowing there was a world out there, let alone trying to figure out how to play in it, I had that scar. My mother has memories of rocking me to sleep seeing that scar. It's been there almost as long as the foot has.
Why does this matter? Grounding. There are times when a man has to sit back and assess himself. Sort through all of the hats he wears, all of the people he is to other people, and figur out who he really is. How does one figure out the true self. Who one is behind what they do? They look for the basis of what has always been there. The scar has always been there. Now is the scar who I really am? No. But it teaches me something. You see, the foot that the scar is on has also always been there.
Whenever one sits down and assesses themself, it is usually a reaction to a different kind of scars. The scars on our psyche, the scars on our souls. At the very least based on circumstances that can cause those scars. What we have to remember is that the scars have to be on something. It would be silly to imply that I could have difficulty locating my own foot, but if I needed to, I could identify it by the scars. How do we find out who we really are? By looking to where we have been hurt. Of course this isn't always as comfortable. The scar on my foot never hurts. I don't remember when it did. The other scars we talk about are a little more serious.
I think most people have examples of such circumstances in their lives. Circumstances that still eat at us when they come to mind. Events that we wish we could go back and change. But what if we could. What if we could go back and change it. What if we could make these scars never happen in the first place. Would I prevent the scar on my foot if I could? Hell no. I am as proud of it as I am of both of my tattoos. It is who I am. The other scars? They would be more tempting, but I can say now with certainty that the answer is the same. Why? Emily.
You see, we are the sum component of all circumstances that happen to us. Where we are is based on where we've been. If I changed even one thing, perhaps Emily wouldn't be. Would Martha and I have a daughter? Perhaps. Would we name her Emily? Perhaps. Would she be the same girl that she is? No. The slightest change in any of a number of factors, including timing could make her a completely different person. Would I love her as much? Probably, but I don't see myself voting for making her a different person because of a little pain on my part. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but that is what my vote is anyway.
The point? Some of the most painful parts in our lives contributed to who and where we are today. Could it be better? Probably. Could it be worse? Most definitely. Not only do they contribute, but frequently enough the painful moments are our landmarks. So, consider that a little next time you start complaining about what's going wrong in your life right at the moment. Sit back and take a closer look around you. Find that something that is going to mean that much more to you because it came up while this was going on.
A little bit of happy, shiny people kind of tone, but that's life, or something close to it.
As I grew up, there were many different people I wanted to be. Many different people I tried to be. There have also been many different faces I have warn in my development and growth to the point I have reached now. One thing has been constant though. The scar. I am a pagan minister now, but this has not always been the case. If you go back just a little ways, I was just a practicing pagan, searching for the truth. A man who hadn't begun the process that resulted in ordination. A man with a scar on his right foot. If you go back nearly eight years, I would have been a single man, just out of the service. The scar was there. It was there when I entered the service too. It was there when I went to a Catholic High School. Further back, it was there when I was still Catholic. The scar goes back further than my own memories do. I don't remember it, but at three years old, without even knowing there was a world out there, let alone trying to figure out how to play in it, I had that scar. My mother has memories of rocking me to sleep seeing that scar. It's been there almost as long as the foot has.
Why does this matter? Grounding. There are times when a man has to sit back and assess himself. Sort through all of the hats he wears, all of the people he is to other people, and figur out who he really is. How does one figure out the true self. Who one is behind what they do? They look for the basis of what has always been there. The scar has always been there. Now is the scar who I really am? No. But it teaches me something. You see, the foot that the scar is on has also always been there.
Whenever one sits down and assesses themself, it is usually a reaction to a different kind of scars. The scars on our psyche, the scars on our souls. At the very least based on circumstances that can cause those scars. What we have to remember is that the scars have to be on something. It would be silly to imply that I could have difficulty locating my own foot, but if I needed to, I could identify it by the scars. How do we find out who we really are? By looking to where we have been hurt. Of course this isn't always as comfortable. The scar on my foot never hurts. I don't remember when it did. The other scars we talk about are a little more serious.
I think most people have examples of such circumstances in their lives. Circumstances that still eat at us when they come to mind. Events that we wish we could go back and change. But what if we could. What if we could go back and change it. What if we could make these scars never happen in the first place. Would I prevent the scar on my foot if I could? Hell no. I am as proud of it as I am of both of my tattoos. It is who I am. The other scars? They would be more tempting, but I can say now with certainty that the answer is the same. Why? Emily.
You see, we are the sum component of all circumstances that happen to us. Where we are is based on where we've been. If I changed even one thing, perhaps Emily wouldn't be. Would Martha and I have a daughter? Perhaps. Would we name her Emily? Perhaps. Would she be the same girl that she is? No. The slightest change in any of a number of factors, including timing could make her a completely different person. Would I love her as much? Probably, but I don't see myself voting for making her a different person because of a little pain on my part. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but that is what my vote is anyway.
The point? Some of the most painful parts in our lives contributed to who and where we are today. Could it be better? Probably. Could it be worse? Most definitely. Not only do they contribute, but frequently enough the painful moments are our landmarks. So, consider that a little next time you start complaining about what's going wrong in your life right at the moment. Sit back and take a closer look around you. Find that something that is going to mean that much more to you because it came up while this was going on.
A little bit of happy, shiny people kind of tone, but that's life, or something close to it.
posted by Wanderer at 6:06 PM
18 Comments:
Needs less Butterfly Effect and more logic.
Since your argument is that any change is bound to change the kid, doesn't it stand to reason that in an alternate uiverse where you did know better than to stand so close to a motorcycle you have a 50/50 shot of having had a better kid?
Now PLEASE read this preface twice or three times to make sure you understand I AM NOT INSULTING YOUR KID, JUST POINT OUT A LOGIC JUMP. Please embrace objectiveness and a detached point of view to see what I'm saying. Reject the mindless absolutism of "impossible to be better cause she's perfect" which is not only cliche but also baseless, and understand that she has a sum quality X. Bizarro Emily would have a sum quality Y. Since you propose that scarlessness would hve a random effect does it not stand to reason that Y > X is 50% likely?
Please don't be offended, but you have gone to great pains to establish an open forum and I am going to take my place in it, by your lakin.
I, as an intentionally unmarried and intentionally parentless man, am sick and tired of the absolutism that surrounds people's kids. No one is perfect. Not you, maybe not even me, and certainly not anyone's infant. If they are not perfect then it stands to reason they could be better. I am not saying that one year olds should be in schools or doing PT at 06, I'm just saying chancewise they could be better. Ergo it drives me nuts when people say retarded things like "If given hypothetical 100% safe genetic manipulation to improve my not-yet-born kid's height, weight, looks, intelligence, health, or longevity, I would not take it." Well, if I was your kid and I found out later that you turned that down I would murder you. Are you telling me, with no risk, you decided not to make me smarter? Better looking? I'll remember that every time I, to quote Stewie, "whiff my way down the bar skank ladder". I'll remember it's partly your fault for turning your back on an obvious opportunity for improvement.
"All babies are beautiful." Except the ones that are all red and weird-shaped and whose faces are all scrunched up. Oh wait. That's the vast, vast majority of them.
"All brides are beautiful." So if a stringy-haired redneck with a lazy eye and a mastectomy was going to get married...?
I'll tell you what's beautiful. Red, green, and black colored chips sliding towards you in a tumbling cascade across smooth green felt. Isabella Mercier. Whe a Christian Scientist dies of polio. These are beautiful things. Not women who think the world and everyone's bank account revolves around them for not only one day but the months leading up to it and the weeks following. Not vaguely humanoid lumps that come bursting out of vaginas like those aliens in the movies. AND CERTAINLY NOT THAT JACKASS WHO AS I WAS TYPING THIS HIT HIS ONE-OUTER ON THE RIVER TO BUST ME. King-Queen suited should not lose to Jack-Ten unsuited when the flop comes A K J with two hearts.
Anyways, I really get angry about the social assumptions that certain things are beautiful, perfect and holy just because not many people have the nards to come out and say that they aren't. Nobody except me is going to say "Your baby is the same as any other baby I've ever seen." No one but me, it would seem, is going to come out and say "You'd think if you had a wooden leg and an eyepatch you'd have a much less public wedding." And those assumptions lead to illogic as I have contended that the above is, and illogic always leads to bad things. Like religion and weddings.
I can't possibly be the only one who walks around angry literally twelve or fourteen hours of every eighteen-hour waking day. I am always angry because I see things I hate everywhere. Babies. New mothers. Brides. Religion. Stupidity. Missed opportunities. There's times I can almost hold a conversation with my hatred, so corporeal and tangible as it seems to become. When someone heaps congratulations upon an expecting co-worker for managing to lay on her back in one place long enough to get knocked up, but shows only sarcastic approval when told about winning a 1,650 player poker tournament (incredibly difficult, I assure you), makes me hate that person and everything they stand for. And all of the above is exactly what they stand for. It pervades and permeates everything around us. Churches moving into an area and forcing out pre-existing adult video stores. People missing their chance to do something they may never have a chance to do again, which involves thousands of people and therefore can not be rescheduled, in favor of attending a fifty-person wedding which could ostensibly take place any time of any day. All because these things have the social blessing. People bringing photographs of their newborns to show anyone who will refrain from punching them, regardless of the identical nature of their baby to every other baby.
People who have never had a baby or worked in the medical field flipping around neo-medical jargon like "bili count" piss me off too. Learn about adult things, numbnuts. Be a fucking adult.
That's another thing. No one wants to be adults anymore. I got warned to watch my language in a bar called "Three-Putt Willy's" in Kentucky at like 1:30am on a Friday once. If you can't swear in a bar at night then what the fuck? All these concepts are part of it somehow, and I hate this new counter-counter status quo for infringing on what is inherently ours; the right to not like a PG-13 life. The right to call a spade a spade. I'm about a half-step from walking into a crowded mall on December 23rd and shouting "Santa Claus is just some homo in a costume". Remind me to write a chapter sometime on how parents expect the whole of the planet to accomodate the bubbles and fairy tales they wish to brainwash their kids with.
Anyways, I'm going to go to bed because it is taking me way too long to type and re-type this to correct for drunken fingers and also if I get any angrier I won't be able to sleep at all.
To summarize, let me insist to you that I am not at all exaggerating about how angry you all make me on a constant basis.
Well, I enjoyed it. Nice article wanderer. I am forced to look back on my own scars and realize that no, I wouldn't change them, because I wouldn't be who I am without them. Very tolkien-esque of you. Loved it.
Sober Mc would like to apologize and promises to further explain after work.
MC - Obviously you miss the core of what I was saying, and the life I am living now. Most primarily, I am sure, because you don't as of yet have a child.
I wasn't saying that my daughter is the most genetically and intellectually perfect individual. I am saying that she is what she is, and I couldn't ask for different. No further explanation available. She's my daughter. Without one of your own, you couldn't fully understand.
All brides and babies are beautiful for what they represent, not extreme aesthetic value.
As for the reminder, by all means, this is a wonderful source for your next guest column.
I'll have that up by the end of the night.
But I think you miss my point, too. I say what they represent is nt beautiful. They represent submission to convention, surrender of sovereignty, additional resource consumption, impingement upon bystanders, and subjugation through numbers. They represent everything I make scarifice after sacrifice to avoid, and yet I'm forced to tolerate these things through "not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings," and through the implicit threat of universal alienation should I not accede.
As for the "you don't understand cause you don't have a kid" I will simply put it out there that I feel offended and patronized when people say that. I have a mind. We all agree that urban kids are retarded when they say "You can't tell me not to steal things cause you never lived on Conkey". I don't recall ever telling you that you don't understand what it feels like to want your brother's girlfriend, because I never told you that story and because I respect you as an intelligent enough person to not be limited to simply what you have personally experienced, which as a concept is a sign of true simplemindedness. I'd ask you not do that to me.
Upon further thought, I don't think I will post a guest article tonight; no one cares what I think and I get the feeling that I am alienating your readers. I would say I'd tell you in person should you be interested, but it occurs to me I allready have, so really I'd be puting a lot of effort into writing something no one wants to read and pushing your readers away from you, so the fuck with it.
Incidentally, if you're not working on Saturday night, you want to come to Turning Stone with me for the $40 satellite? You could sweat me, or at the very least see a real tournament. I thought you might be interested, but it's just an offer.
Correction. I will post again, to ask the following.
Am I the only one who wants to fight? Am I the only one who wants to drink? Am I the only one who wants to gamble? Swear? Fuck? Live free or die?
In this group, I think I am.
On this blog, I definitely seem to be, which is a damn good reason why I shouldn't really post here. Again, I'm not complaining or telling you to change. I'm telling you I finally hear you that you're not interested, and cooperating.
MC - As soon as I saw those words in print I suspected I might get such a reaction. I decided for once not to second guess myself in print. My timing is good as usual, eh?
We are not limited to having only understanding for that which we have experienced, but experience matters. Is it belittling when you say, "No offense, but you weren't in the army"? No. It is true. While having a general understanding, coupled with an experience in the Air Force, I don't fully understand like you do. I wasn't there. That is all that I am saying.
I prepared for the moment when my daughter would be born. I prepared for raising her. I prepared like hell. You know what? I wasn't prepared. There is a link between my daughter and I that only exists between us. Saying that you couldn't fully understand this link shouldn't cause offense. I would think it more offensive for you to deny that bond.
You also don't fly solo in all of your interests. I don't like you to get excessively volatile out here because it reflects on me by association. This should be no surprise to you, I react the same way in person. I react that way because I try not to be a volatile person myself. Also, when in person, because I don't want you inadvertantly writing checks that you could cash, but would leave me seriously overdrawn if you weren't around. As for the other interests, I am generally with you. (I wouldn't necessarily do all of them with you, but I am in general agreement.)
When have I complained about your language? (Short of actual reference to physical damage to a specific individual.) You know I enjoy the casinos as you do and I have frequented a bar more than once. I certainly haven't labeled myself as a puritan, nor do I think you could with a straight face.
This forum is primarily about who I am. While in frequent disagreement with each other, who I am has associated with who you am for a long time. As in real life, I will undoubtedly issue the "opinions of contributing members don't necessarily reflect my own" kinds of comments. This doesn't mean I don't want and respect your opinion. As long as you are willing to allow me to disagree, (and have some weight in the discussion surrounding what I would prefer in "my house") I don't see a problem here.
If people take issue with you simply because you like gambling, drinking, and carousing, that's their opinion. Everyone has them. If they take issue with your expressing any of the above, or the language you express it in, that's also their opinion. I didn't stand in a driveway and face you down rather than risk us never speaking again just so others could make you feel driven away from me.
Not all of the people I associate with, not even all of the people I call friends, would be real big on associating with each other. That's ok. They don't have to. You have done a respectable job of not taking your opinions out on myself or my religious friends, and I respect that. In turn, if they feel the need to walk away due to your language, then "fuck 'em". (Ever notice how only certain words get the right level of emotion across?)
I don't close the door on people too often, but you know that I am loyal to my friends and family. As such, I am sure you aren't insinuating that I would turn my back on a friend of so many years in favor of people I met on the internet. Even still, while I am sure of it, the thought raised it's head in the little self doubt section, so let me make this clear. When I stayed back then, I really expected you to hit me. It mattered that much then. It matters that much now.
Your words have evoked a response in me too personal (and positive) to be expressed here, but I will make it my business to communicate them to you in person soon.
But, to claify a little, what most of what I meant is that you and I speak in person on a regular basis. There is no reason for me to hijack this forum if my actions would eventually devolve into a dialogue between you and I, it would be a shame. Not that I in any way don't enjoy said dialogue on nearly every occassion; but given that it can live elswhere, why not let it coexist rather than override?
By the way.. it mattered that much to me as well then and it matters just as much to me now. Thank you.
hiy, i been on ur blog sometimes, i came over once b/c urs was about runestones, and i like ur comment pages, so i hope u dont mind if i ask b/c i dont chat here but i reading 2nite and wonder did u 2 fite sometime before?
and can u keep putting up what ur runestone is for the day?
Anonymous - Your post was a little painful to read. I don't mind you asking what MC and I were referring to. I am not going to elaborate though. He can if he wishes, but I wouldn't hold my breath.
As to the runes, yes, I will probably return to mentioning them again in the near future. I have for the most part continued picking the one for the day, but I was commenting on them back around the time of my daughter's imminent birth, and had actually forgotten until reading some of my old posts tonight that I had been doing so. Feel free to stop by and see what I have written. The runes will probably be mentioned again more frequently (as you aren't the only one interested) but I wouldn't hold my breath for them reappearing each day. If I have something else I plan on commenting on, it will probably take precedence, and if the rune doesn't fit, or I am distracted, I may not include it. They do serve as a base point for my posting though. Thanks for stopping by, and you are welcome (although if you plan on commenting more regularly I would prefer less painful abbreviations and a name to distinguish you from other anonymous posters).
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Lest you get the wrong idea, MC, the primary reason I removed your followup post to our intruder was because I had removed his post, and as such your direct posts to him didn't make any sense anymore. I thought about removing Lisa's as well for the same reason, but then decided that it did make a point that was valid without reading the wonderfully intellectual diatribe from our briefly visiting idiot.
well as long as everyone remembers I will fight anyone who wants it.
i had something to say, but when i got finished reading all those comments, i forgot...
oh yeah, i really tried the "butterfly" thing once. I spent a long time meditating, visualizing, going back to the time when I think I made my biggest mistake...and then changing my mind and going forward from there...I saw it, I lived it, but when I "woke up" I was still where I was when I started the experiment...I think.
electroshock is good for that
MC - Are you insinuating that there is something that electroshock is not good for? (BTW - my word is "czztbats" I am not sure if this is some dangerous new strain of flying rodent, or if it is just a frightened and stuttering person warning me of impending divebombing from said squeaky, furry, flying thing.)
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