I have been thinking of you. Many times over the past two years, but continuously the last twenty four hours. This is the time of year where you come more to mind. I have begun campaigning again for the MS fundraiser I was at two years ago when you died. Last night just brought you to the forefront again.
In a moment of sheer fury I lost control. My phone demonstrated that as a projectile it loses against a door. I was furious about being used. About being there for people who couldn't care less about me when they no longer had a use for me. About being walked on when it suited people, and left struggling to hold on to a thread that was all that I had for a lifeline when that use expired.
In poetic fashion, I demonstrated my own helplessness in that action. Not only in the lack of control to prevent such destruction, but the lack of ability to rectify it.
I no longer wear your boots. I can't. There is too much damage to them. I now wear boots given to me by MC because I couldn't replace them. When you were here you gave me so much when I couldn't give it to myself. Then one day, in a moment's destructive force, you removed yourself from our lives.
In a moment's destructive force I did something similar, though not as permanent. I heard the train whistle behind my house as I stared at the pieces of my phone. My link to the outside world. The only place that contained the numbers of some important people in my life.
Lisanocerous for one. I don't know if any of my friends have her new number. I don't know if she will eventually reach out to me if I don't find it. MC is another but I know he will seek me out sooner or later. Your sister, as well, was in that phone, but I am certain she won't come looking for me.
Contact information that I may or may not be able to replace was gone in a moment's rage. As well as some pictures, music, etc... All of this isn't why you came so strongly to mind though. I have a temporary phone that doesn't really work right, but serves for me to be able to answer if work calls. Tomorrow, I will have a new phone. New to me. No, I can't afford to replace my phone, I will be getting it from Vader. An old phone he no longer uses.
Just downstairs is a bag that I will be looking through in the morning. A potential positive, depending on what I find. It is my clothes for the year. What I can use out of it anyway. Clothes with no tags on them. Clothes that are new only to me, but discarded by others.
I can't remember when I last had a pair of pants that I purchased. When I last had a friend I wasn't using in some fashion to get by in a manner I couldn't without them. More importantly, when the last time was I was able to offer anything in return.
I thought of the train last night, because for a moment I once again understood the exit strategy. I understood that there is no winning scenario in this game. I understood that just turning it off had its merit and its appeal. That sleeping as much as possible to avoid dealing with the waking hours had a more permanent form.
Then I talked to Vader, and I went to bed. Again now I will do the same. To be rested to deal with my daughter and help her enjoy this portion of her life when she doesn't understand yet that life is just a pointless battle for most of us. That she wasn't born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and as such her life will suck until it is over.
I go to bed to escape. To take my own temporary version of your route, because I am not ready to get away from life, or something close to it.