A Dream - A Lesson - A Life

I awoke to the sound of a baby screaming. I leapt up out of bed fearing what it could mean. She needed to be changed, she needed to be fed. These were the two likeliest possibilities, but my mind already raced with many more horrible scenarios, most of which were to implausible to take hold. It was then that she kicked me. Looking over in surprise, I just stared for a moment at the round belly that held within it my child, the one who had kicked me.

In the air I heard laughter. Not malicious or unfriendly. Honest, amused laughter. "No she hasn't been born yet. But it will be soon." The voice whispers on the breeze that floats through the window. "Come outside. It is time to talk."

I get up and throw on my robe, rolling a cigarette and stepping out onto the balcony. Even as I light it, the laughter comes again as the breeze dances around me. Again she is not mocking, she simply asked, "Why do you fear this so?"

This question forces me to laugh, but not with the same good humor. "What do I fear? Where to begin?"

I stare out at the parking lot and the thoughts come rolling out one on top of another. I don't bother speaking as these images flood out. All of the responsibilities, all of the teaching, all of the care that was necessary. I look up at the moon and shake my head.

"How could you let it come to pass that I be a parent. That I be responsible for the upbringing of a child. Does this make sense to you?"

"Of course it makes sense to me." The answer comes back. Less amused now, more motherly. "More importantly, I know what you fear most."

"What would that be?"

I can feel her smile, as if the air around her carries it. "You forget I was a mother long before you were born."

"Ahh, but you weren't a father." I argue.

Again she laughs, but she cuts it off abruptly, suddenly serious. "Lessons unlearned. That is what you called your story isn't it?" I just nodded. "You fear that if you can't join the dance, that you have no business molding someone else, trying to teach them to."

"I have hardly stood up as a shining example of how to do right with your life." I pointed out, annoyed again at her patronizing tone, as I too frequently have been in the past. "Lessons unlearned are lessons I can't pass on."

"You silly man." She said, the humor coming back into her voice. "You think I don't know that you haven't learned the important lessons yet? Why else would I send Emily to teach you?"

A Day

That is about all I can say about yesterday. By the time it was drawing to a close, I was too frustrated and tired to do much of anything. Including coming out here to complain about it.
For those of you who have been following the saga, the planned body artistry was scheduled to be completed yesterday. It wasn't, but we will get to why that happened shortly. Instead I will focus on covering the order of the events of my trying day.

I got to work and called my wife to tell her I had arrived safely, and then went on to begin what should have been a normal workday. Of course, one of the advantages of my job is that there really isn't such a thing as a "normal" workday, but that is a whole different subject.

The day began relatively normally, up until the point where I called my wife to wake her up at 10:00 am so that she could begin to get ready for work herself. She made the comment to me that she wasn't sure what she was going to do if she found that she couldn't put her shoes on. Apparently her ankles and feet had begun to swell again. I informed her that she needed to contact her OB if the swelling was that bad, and she assured me that she would.

Half an hour later I had a call from a very distraught Martha telling me that she was waiting on a return call from the nurse because the swelling had gotten a lot worse. I told her to keep me informed, and I in turn informed my boss that it looked like she wouldn't be coming in today. (Martha had hinted at coming in later, but if I wasn't confident that the nurse would veto that, I would have.) In discussion with my boss, she asked me if I could stay later to help cover the shift. Obviously this was the least I could do. Not completely philanthropically speaking either, Martha not working means her not getting paid, so adjusting for that with my hours was also practical.

I told them that I could leave at 2pm as scheduled and return around 4pm in time for the busy period, as I had the appointment at the tattoo shop around the corner. I knew that neither the long hours nor the pain in my back when the work is completed would have been comfortable for working, but you do what you have to.

Martha informed me that my mother was taking her to the doctor, and so my ordeal of not knowing began. This was when the assistant manager, my immediate boss, got a call from his brother. His brother is the tattoo artist I was going to see. He called to inform his brother that not only had he just then been informed that the woman that covers the desk had scheduled me for that day, but she had scheduled two others for the same time slot. As such, he was going to have to reschedule again. I have to admit that my boss was more incensed by this second rescheduling than I was, and I have the strong impression that this is not likely to happen a third time.

This left me with a two hour period to cool my heels before moving on to the second half of a double header that would last twelve hours. During the time that I was waiting to hear from Martha and fuming over the second rescheduling, I checked my voicemail to find "reminders" of two appointments with two of the specialists I have been working with that I hadn't known about. These appointments were scheduled back to back on Wednesday, too close to get time out of work, particularly at the end of the month when my services are needed for scheduling.
Those appointments I had to reschedule, one now in mid July, another in mid August. (On Martha's due date. Hopefully she isn't one of the rare ones to hit it on the mark.)

Fortunately, they were all frustrations, but not large problems. Much as tends to always be the case in life. They are smaller in retrospect than at the time. Martha is fine. The bloodwork came back today and nothing is wrong. It is just hot, and she is small enough that the baby can wreak much havoc by simply moving. The tattoo should be done next week, or the end of this one if the artist can swing it (my boss's influence). The appointments have been rescheduled, and in truth are mainly just management issues, not anything intended to break new ground on my health status.

Thus, today, I am tired, but well. Frustrations arose, but merely to remind me that they sometimes will, and that I should pay more attention to the good days. For such is the way of life, or something close to it.

The Baby is Showered

Odd, that, since it hasn't even been born yet. I must say that the little party for the little woman was an interesting experience. I spent the first half of it out back cooking. (Those that used to attend my barbecues at my house are cringing I am sure.) As it turns out, nobody died of food poisoning (yet) and I was even complimented on it by several of the guests (who obviously know how to be polite). It is extremely hot out here today. Somewhere around 95 degrees. I know for some of you that might not seem hot, but for Rochestarians who see that once every several years, it's quiet another story.

Standing in front of a barbecue grill cooking for thirty people definitely didn't help the internal temperature either. My face is bright red now. Don't know if it is because of the sun or the grill, but probably a little of both.

I then got to relax and see the opening of the gifts. Quite a number of interesting and necessary things were received, with all of the appropriate ooh's and ahh's. Martha and I were very appreciative of all of it, although I keep second guessing myself on whether or not that was apparent. I don't know if a playset deserves an ooh or an ahh. I don't think Martha did either. For that matter, I don't know what a playset is, but I am sure we got one or more of them. And I am very thankful for whichever one of you provided it. I may not know what to call these things, but I will be very appreciative when I need them.

The whole thing wasn't completely a highlight though. In fact, the shower somewhat terrified me. It terrified me that we really needed all of this stuff they brought and more. It terrifies me that I will eventually have to figure out just what we need it for. It also doesn't bring warm fuzzy feelings when I realize that the clothing and etc.. is such a small part of this baby's life and I am already getting lost. I am going to be expected to teach this kid about life? I haven't even come close to figuring it out for myself yet. They really should require people to be licensed before they can do this kind of thing.

I also found my own personal dark side creeping up to attempt to consume the enjoyment of the afternoon. I looked around at some of the more expensive items. The pack-and-play, the car seat, the swing. These things that all match because they were on this registry (read wish list) that so many of these people checked out. I looked at these and realized that the car seat was more expensive than it needed to be, and much more than it would be if I had to pay for it. I checked, you can find those things at Goodwill. The swing and pack-and-play will be very useful in keeping Emily happy, but people in the past raised their children without these things, and we kind of planned on it too. These things will be there for Emily because people got together and thought she should have them. I should look at it that way too, but I have a hard time getting past my own personal history and associated guilt.

These things were purchased in part because the people who purchased them knew I would never be able to afford them. They could, and I couldn't. While I know the true spirit of it, I can't help but see the word "pity" hanging over it. I don't do that well. A give and take on the gifting of things is one thing. Being barely one step above the panhandlers on the street corners in social status and means is quite another.

I couple this thought process with the fact that the baby will soon be on the way, and I can't help but look in the mirror and scream "What in the world are you thinking?" I look at my life so far, and what I have done with it. I look at my financial picture and the varying health issues. I look at all of this and I pity Emily.

I have been known to take the occasional dollar every couple of months and buy a lottery ticket. I really need to put some money down on some life insurance. Then I can sit back and hope to either hit the lottery or a bus. Either way Martha and Emily will be fine.

That isn't going to happen though. Instead I am going to push through, one day at a time, working my way along and fighting to insure she is well care for, and that's just life, or something like it.

Some Odd Little Thoughts

Some times I like to sit back and think that there was once a time where spirituality was an issue between you and your God, not an issue of what your religion was named. That there was a time when faith meant walking hand in hand with the divine and allowing yourself to be guided, not grabbing a sword and slaying all those who don't interpret the same scripture the same way.

It saddens me that the greatest flaw with any religion is that it is run by human beings. That faith has so frequently moved out of the arena of personal worship and into the arena of a reason to hate. Sadly, few people do as much damage to their fellow human beings for any other reason than the claim that it was God's will. I don't believe it was, yet this bothers me.

A clear cut example of how faith so frequently falls by the wayside in the face of politics confronted me today. I was driving down the street (well, riding, most of you know I can't drive) and I saw a real estate sign that had been vandalized. On it was painted a large green pentagram. When I saw this I had to shake my head. I had to shake my head because I can envision why it was done, and who did it.

This wasn't the work of some satanic cult, nor was it likely to have been a threat towards anyone. The pentagram was painted for the same reason that the teenager who did it undoubtedly has necklaces bearing the same symbol. Rebellion.

There are plenty of teens out there who are rebelling against their families, and one of the best ways they can find to do this is to rebel against the faith that is practiced by their parents. So they choose an increasingly popular pagan faith and flaunt this in their parent's faces. Then they go out to do that which their parents wouldn't approve of, such as this act of vandalism.

The biggest problem with this is that this accomplishes nothing. Nothing that would come close to matching their goals anyway. Does it harm the parents in any way? No. Particularly not if the kid doesn't get caught. Does it prove a point to the administration you are rebelling against? No. What it does is take people who actually walk that spiritual path and makes them look worse to the public.

Does it hurt the parents of the kid who walks through the mall with the pentagrams, black clothes and spiked hair when he causes a scene and gets tossed out? Not really. It hurts the woman who is there with her child and happens to wear the same symbol though.

I have never found where it says in the bible that a good Christian should take up arms against non-believers at every turn, but some people do. More people do it with this silly and thoughtless behavior on their parts. An entire group of generally harmless people suffer in public opinion due to the actions of people who don't even believe what they do. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Much as I have said in the past about these "Christian" hate sites that encourage the murder of homosexuals and other sinners for the glory of God, I say that intentionally trying to keep up hostility between these groups is not what Jesus taught. As for the kids who aren't even pretending to do these things for a spiritual reason, wouldn't putting a bumper sticker with the same symbol on your parent's car be more effective? At least hitting the target in question? Or better yet, find something you believe in and stand behind that.

Maybe this last is the key. Your own belief and faith. We must first be solid on our own spiritual ground before we can consider others, and to tell you the truth, I don't think anyone is ever that solid. Perhaps we should leave the judging up to the one who has it all under control.

Well, that's my take on life or something like it. I will catch up with you on the next round.

People (Or the reason the world sucks)

It seems like every day I am bombarded with example after example of what horrible and uncaring people there are in the world. Some days I am ashamed to be associated with my species at all.

Today while riding around in the car with my mother and wife, I was filled in again on the latest updates in that mess of a custody battle that my sister is going through. Generally I don't even want to hear about it, but something today hit that cord more than usual.

As I sat there and listened to the varying details of this latest saga, it really hit me for the first time. We aren't talking about political games between two people. We are talking about how two selfish adults are ruining a child's life.

My niece is going to be going into the second grade right now. This is probably part of the reason that this hit me so hard so suddenly. I can say from personal experience that what happens at this age range is going to shape how she lives her life whether she realizes it or not. They are easily causing permanent damage to this child, not just the temporary that we can see, and they don't care. They don't pay the slightest attention to it beyond their silly little politics about court orders and who insults who when. My niece is losing, and I fear she is doing so irreparably. The worst part is that there are so many attorneys and judges involved. So many officials, and none of them seem to notice this. I still don't have much judgement on who "wins" but the first person who steps forward and says that this is enough, that they are going to protect this child from all of this crap, I swear I will throw my weight into giving them custody. So one of you is mom, one is dad. One of you works more, one of you spends more time with her. Frankly, Blarg here, who is visiting from Saturn, actually cares about insuring that she grows up to be a healthy individual. For that reason we are putting your daughter on a space shuttle. Don't like it? Too bad. You should have realized sooner that you were ruining this child's life and possibly building an unstable young adult who our society would then have to deal with twenty years down the road. Get your act together and try again for another somewhere down the line.

I guess I may be being a little harsh, but with my own little one on the way, this stuff angers me even more. I just don't want my niece growing up to be like her mother. Or me.

I got back here to go online and do my little rant about this and found an e-mail. It was a chain letter purporting that for every three people it was sent to, AOL would give 32 cents toward an operation for this baby. The baby's picture was even included.

Now to the best of my knowledge, such a program would be highly impractical, if not impossible. I don't believe that AOL could track this e-mail amongst their own people, let alone to all of these non AOL addresses. The attempt to do so would surely have costs far outweighing the offered benefits. It would also be easier for them to just donate money or solicit sponsors.

Bottom line: It's a scam. Not only is it a scam, but it is one using a baby's picture as bait. This is despicable, and I can only hope that the baby in the picture is actually healthy, that it is loved, and that whomever used its picture for this scam got hit by a bus.

Well, I think I have probably demonstrated my mood for the time being, so I will leave off with this. Contrary to earlier reports, the tattoo hasn't been done yet. The appointment before me showed up late and the artist had to leave early, so he asked me to reschedule. So, it is slated for Monday. The downside is that I won't have it done before the baby shower. The up side is that the resulting delay while waiting for my ride to return for me left me sitting at the bar across the street and talking with a co-worker I have never associated with and finding out she is quite an interesting person after all.

She also paid for a number of drinks for us both which resulted in me getting something off of my chest to my wife and mother that I otherwise wouldn't have. I will reserve what that issue was about for the time being, since I wouldn't have relayed such a bit of history had I been sober, which I am now. So you folks lose. All of you except Lisa anyway. She already heard the story. (If I hear that any of you who know her asked her about it, not only am I sure she won't tell you, but I am equally certain that you will find that I won't be amused.) If you want to know, buy me a couple of drinks and see what happens. :)

A perfect example of how alcohol can be good and bad at the same time.

Well, the rant is done, and there is little else to report, so I will catch you folks on the next time around.

Work is fun

Okay, now, stop laughing, there's more than just a title here. Actually I just got off of work, which is part of what prompted me to throw that little detail out. It isn't that I don't enjoy my place of employment. In truth, I have never enjoyed working anywhere more. Somedays I just wonder if I should have called in sick though . I am not the type to call in sick and not go in to work, but somedays I wish I could call in sick for half of the day.

With the right environment, and the right amount of downtime, working there reminds me a lot of dealing with the mafia, where all of the players think they are the boss, and they are all four. Usually we get along just fine, but when you get to a point that one of the people whom you are supervising asks you to speak up, and then snaps at you for yelling at them... I didn't lose my temper, but I was close. Tom actually wrote the word "Relax" on a piece of paper and held it up in my line of view. (A tactic I had used once when one of my crew was being abused by a customer, and Tom has found amusing ever since.)

I am glad that with Thursday comes the first day of my weekend. Of course it also is the last day of my weekend, but a break is good anyway.

I am looking forward to a couple of things. As I said, I am finally getting my third tattoo done tomorrow afternoon. Something I have been planning for nearly two years. That has me a little excited. Martha's baby shower is on Saturday. I can't say I find that as exciting, but it will be nice to have it out of the way so that my co-workers and friends stop asking me for details I don't have.

Not much else knew to talk about, or complain about, at the moment. I guess I will go give Martha a little break with Anthony. He is particularly congested and fussy this morning and very demanding of attention right now. Not that any of us mind giving it. It's kind of nice to just sit back and take care of the simple needs of someone so small, particularly after dealing with the complexities of some of the problems we deal with at work and other aspects of our life.

Yeah, go ahead, copy that last part and hold on to it for another day when I may be complaining about all of the work that goes into taking care of Emily. You might want to make sure that my hands are full when you point it out though. :)

Well, I will catch y'all on the next round. Smile at this thing we call life, or something like it.

Marthak and the Hobgoblin

Well, Martha is still getting rounder by the day. Fortunately she still has enough of a sense of humor that I can post that without getting slapped. Everything is going well. Emily Carol is still very healthy, and Martha is making up for the slow start in weight gain by gaining twelve pounds a minute. Actually it has been twelve pounds total, but she assures me that she thinks the scale at the doctor's office is measuring in tons.

I have new pictures of the hobgoblin since Martha went to the ultrasound again last week. You can finally see her face. I was too busy looking after Anthony while we were actually in the office, (Anthony is a three month old boy that my mother-in-law watches 90% of the time) but when I saw the pictures later my face tried to light up the room. I am partially excited for her to be born and partially scared. I can't wait to meet her face to face, but I know that as soon as she sees me, the word "Sucker" will be imprinted on my forehead. Her first words are going to be "Daddy, you love me", and just like that she will steal my soul.

I am getting my tattoo done next week. I will probably post the picture of it on here shortly, but I don't have it here. I will scan it later this week. Or maybe I will wait and let Martha take a picture of the real thing.

Martha is having a mixed reaction to the idea of me getting the tattoo done finally. She is glad that I am doing it, since I have had the picture drawn up for two years now. She also realizes as I do that this will be one of the last chances for me to be able to afford to get the money together for it before the baby is born and I never have any money again. However, she and Meg are both apprehensive about it from the stand point that the cat scratching me has caused my tremors to begin in the past. That was before they diagnosed that essential tremor thing and started medicating me for it though. Besides, getting it on my back means that if my arm starts twitching it isn't a problem. I have not yet seen an instance where pain has caused me to have one of my seizures either, but I can see their reason for concern in that regard nonetheless. I know the tattoo artist well, and either Meg or Martha will watch for the warning signs. He's a professional and a friend, and at the first warning from them he will stop. Let's keep our fingers crossed that if something is triggered it is on a delay so I don't have to go back a dozen times to finish this.

Anyway, that about covers that for the moment. Stay tuned if you wish to know what else is going on as I move along. Many updates forthcoming on the hobgoblin and how the tattoo fares, as well as anything else that comes to mind along the way. Stick around. It will be a fun ride.

The beginning of "life or something like it"

I must say that I am not highly familiar with such a format than this. Having posted frequently on various message boards and spouted off freely on streetcorners and barstools, I figured why not give this one a shot. A rather inauspicious beginning to an online open window to the workings of that odd little thing I call me. I promise that I will soon go much further in the field of what I think about life, and those who stumble this way will be sorry I did. :) For now, I will throw my first post up and see what this thing looks like when I turn the key.