Gomenasai
Some of you folks knew him as Jamesomeone. Some of you knew him by name. Some just in passing. Most of you have the misfortune of not knowing him at all. As of April 28, 2007, those of you who never had the opportunity missed your last chance to be blessed by knowing him.
My memories don't go back far enough to not include him. He was my friend for most of my life. He was the best man at my wedding. He was a brother to me. Now I am left holding onto emptiness and thinking of so many ways that I might have failed him.
He was always so impressed by the intelligence MC and I possessed. He would frequently comment on how much more intelligent I was. About how it sometimes took him a considerable amount of time to catch up to what we were talking about. Not wanting to be patronizing, I told him that he was right. I told him that the paperwork stated that MC and I were, in theory, more intelligent than 98% of the population, so he was in good company. Now I wonder if I should have lied and disagreed with him. I pointed out that methodically and at his own pace he always caught up. That he was the storehouse for tons of knowledge that I knew nothing about. That this helped us as a team, with his wealth of knowledge and my quick little brain, we accomplished all sorts of things. Apparently this wasn't enough.
He used to praise all sorts of accomplishments I had made. Things that I gave little credit to. Things he gave too much credit to. My ego would get in the way of beating him over the head with the obvious facts that belittled my accomplishments. A band we were both fans of sings parts of several songs on their english album in russian. I used to (and still do) listen to all of the russian versions of the songs more frequently. They just sound more natural that way. As such, we would ride around in his Saturn and I would sing along with the songs, and he would be amazed that I sang right along with the russian lyrics. It didn't matter to him that I could do so because I listened to the songs every day, and at parts was simply emulating the sound. It didn't matter to him that the translations of the songs were available on the internet. At one point he commented that it was cool that I knew all the words and I learned them from listening to the songs. It wasn't until a later conversation that I realized he thought I taught myself the language by repeatedly listening to the russian versions of the songs, forgetting that I actually had studied the language briefly, and all of the above reasons.
I couldn't break him of thinking that I was somehow better than him. That I was something to be looked up to. I couldn't get him to realize that he was so much better than I was. That he was someone I looked up to.
He was the one who always inspired me to be a better human being. His giving nature, his work for the community. His history as an Eagle Scout, habitat for humanity volunteer, volunteer fireman, and life guard at several different installations just amazed me. I couldn't see how one person could have that much to give. Even before friends and family were brought into the picture. Perhaps one person can't. Perhaps that is what happened.
There isn't a place I can go that isn't touched by a memory of him. He is in my MP3 player, since half of the songs on it were of bands I got him into or vice versa. He comes to mind when I am watching television, or listening to conversations on the bus. I can't go anywhere without the risk of this hole suddenly ripping itself open again.
I can't help but feel that I failed him. There had to have been something I could have done. Something I could have seen if I just paid a little more attention. I just stare at my hands and feel as empty as they are.
On April 28, 2007, he took the last train for the coast. Two days later a phone call brought to a screeching halt my life, or something close to it.
My memories don't go back far enough to not include him. He was my friend for most of my life. He was the best man at my wedding. He was a brother to me. Now I am left holding onto emptiness and thinking of so many ways that I might have failed him.
He was always so impressed by the intelligence MC and I possessed. He would frequently comment on how much more intelligent I was. About how it sometimes took him a considerable amount of time to catch up to what we were talking about. Not wanting to be patronizing, I told him that he was right. I told him that the paperwork stated that MC and I were, in theory, more intelligent than 98% of the population, so he was in good company. Now I wonder if I should have lied and disagreed with him. I pointed out that methodically and at his own pace he always caught up. That he was the storehouse for tons of knowledge that I knew nothing about. That this helped us as a team, with his wealth of knowledge and my quick little brain, we accomplished all sorts of things. Apparently this wasn't enough.
He used to praise all sorts of accomplishments I had made. Things that I gave little credit to. Things he gave too much credit to. My ego would get in the way of beating him over the head with the obvious facts that belittled my accomplishments. A band we were both fans of sings parts of several songs on their english album in russian. I used to (and still do) listen to all of the russian versions of the songs more frequently. They just sound more natural that way. As such, we would ride around in his Saturn and I would sing along with the songs, and he would be amazed that I sang right along with the russian lyrics. It didn't matter to him that I could do so because I listened to the songs every day, and at parts was simply emulating the sound. It didn't matter to him that the translations of the songs were available on the internet. At one point he commented that it was cool that I knew all the words and I learned them from listening to the songs. It wasn't until a later conversation that I realized he thought I taught myself the language by repeatedly listening to the russian versions of the songs, forgetting that I actually had studied the language briefly, and all of the above reasons.
I couldn't break him of thinking that I was somehow better than him. That I was something to be looked up to. I couldn't get him to realize that he was so much better than I was. That he was someone I looked up to.
He was the one who always inspired me to be a better human being. His giving nature, his work for the community. His history as an Eagle Scout, habitat for humanity volunteer, volunteer fireman, and life guard at several different installations just amazed me. I couldn't see how one person could have that much to give. Even before friends and family were brought into the picture. Perhaps one person can't. Perhaps that is what happened.
There isn't a place I can go that isn't touched by a memory of him. He is in my MP3 player, since half of the songs on it were of bands I got him into or vice versa. He comes to mind when I am watching television, or listening to conversations on the bus. I can't go anywhere without the risk of this hole suddenly ripping itself open again.
I can't help but feel that I failed him. There had to have been something I could have done. Something I could have seen if I just paid a little more attention. I just stare at my hands and feel as empty as they are.
On April 28, 2007, he took the last train for the coast. Two days later a phone call brought to a screeching halt my life, or something close to it.
Labels: emptiness, jamesomeone, loss
posted by Wanderer at 12:34 PM
9 Comments:
Please visit my blog to find your surprise: http://tinkerbell-nl.blogspot.com/2007/05/thinking-blogger-award.html
Love, Tink
Regarding the above "comment": how fucking inappropriate...
As for the actual post, Steve, you know how I feel already. You've put it into words better than I could. My heartache pretty much leaves me speechless, anyway.
A misunderstanding, I think, Lisa. Tink is a blogger friend of mine, and this was a thoughtful gesture. While it appears to be spam on the surface (I thought it was before I read who posted it) and if you do follow the link, could be seen as incongruent to the post, I must say that the timing of someone such as Tink displaying respect for that which I have written was a somewhat uplifting counterpart to the heartache we share.
I understand your statement of speechlessness. I have looked at this post several times since putting it up there and felt it was so lacking. I just had to say something and tried to put it up there the best I could. I've been meaning to call and check up on you, and just talk to you. Unfortunately, it tends to be the darker moments that prevail, and I spend too much time dulling the necessary organ for memory and conversation to actually follow through at an hour that would be practical.
Please don't hold a grudge against Tink. Sometimes the most unexpected gift, no matter how small, has the effect of shocking one out of their emotional coma, if only for a moment. I simply regret, looking at the coin from this side that I have had nothing to offer, and thus offered nothing in some of her posted times of hardship, despite the desire to say something, however useless it might be.
I'm really sorry, Steve.
Ok, I apologize for my harshness, but I think it could have been better worded. Perhaps a reference to the actual post, as it is rather serious?
Oh well. I'm more angry with things other than the comment above. I suppose it's not fair to take it out on someone I don't know...
I agree that it could have been better worded, particularly considering the post concerned. Still, I will say again that it was a nice little surprise.
I understand the anger. I hope you refer to that which I do, as I haven't talked to you since we left the church and I fervently hope that nothing new has surfaced that has troubled you.
The question of anger, though, is one I know quite well. I have held on only by a thread at points to that anger, keeping it in check enough not to do something spontaneous and painful. (With the exception of the kicking of the trash toter that first night, but no serious injury from that, I was protected by his boots.)
MC went by there the other day, to see if the stone was up yet. I did not join him, not by decision, but as it was a personal thing. I only bring it up because it hadn't occured to me that it might not be there yet. It apparently isn't. I keep thinking of going by there, but it is frequently at late hours that the urge occurs, and it is a hell of a long walk.
I called today, as I am sure you will know by the time you read this. I will try again in the near future, although probably not tomorrow (tuesday) as I have someone else to touch base with around the 9 o'clock hour and I suspect you don't share the pain of the billions of rollover minutes that need frivolous spending. Who am I going to talk to for the 1700 minutes available? (or at least the 200 that expire this month?)
Sorry I missed your call. We will touch base soon, although depending on schedules, perhaps not until next week.
Yeah, it's the same stuff I'm angry about. I don't think I could handle anything new at this point, heh.
Lisa - I am sure we will find a way to connect. I am working Wednesday late, but I will take a shot at calling you Thursday, if for no other reason then to highlight my schedule on your voicemail so we can try to synchronize.
Hang in there. I think between the three of us we can keep ourselves together.
I looked at what I wrote again and have decided that it probably looks better than if I just put "man this sucks" but it basically boils down to the same thing.
I know this was awhile back, I don't think I knew you at the time, so I'm visiting this post after 16 months.
But I also know that grief doesn't just end after a predetermined amount of time, so I'm sure it's still very difficult for you. It sounds like you and he were very valuable to each other, and you feel fortunate for having him as a friend. For that, I'm very sorry for this hole in your life.
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