Thoughts During My Sabbatical

I took some time off and reflected on the most recent arguments I got into on this blog. On why I became angry about the issue. I came to the realization (not without the help of my friends) that this ties directly to another issue that has been known to arouse such anger in me in the past. An issue that on the surface appears to be completely different.

I have to force myself to reign in my temper at work sometimes when I am trying to go above and beyond to help somebody out, and they are fighting me and thus preventing the assistance I am trying to provide. Or when people call in screaming and yelling because they expect to get a hassle from you, and when they don't, they feel the need to keep going until their arsenal is exhausted any way. In both of these cases, people form opinions about what is going on in the conversation, and where it will go, and they act according to these opinions rather than to the results of the conversation.

This does tie in with what happened here, and has happened here in the past. I originally assumed insult with the scenario, because I did not consider the fact that this was a decision being made by a group of individuals, not a single entity. The fault in this lies with me, and I have already admitted that.

The response, however, is where the anger seeded and matured. Those who responded all took a common approach. They assumed they knew me, and my motives for reacting as I did. They then crafted their responses based on this assumption.

Those familiar with the scientific method know that you can't form a conclusion first and then make the test results fit this conclusion. Detectives know you can't make the facts fit the case, but must, rather, do it the other way around.

At the core of this is the reason for why I became so angry. Angrier than seemed warranted, even to me. It is a primal issue, and the inherent cause for virtually all of the ills of the world. The formation of reasoning based on belief, rather than belief based on reason.

The fact that people chose to form beliefs about me, and then deduce my motivations based on this connected to this more primal issue at the core of numerous other problems that are more serious in the world today. Rather than take the time to try to determine why I was offended, people decided that they knew, and that I was wrong. The former was false, even if the latter was not.

This issue, anonymous, is why you got such a hostile response from me in that earlier conversation. I requested to specifically avoid this scenario in that conversation and was ignored.

So while some of you hover over the keyboard with the response I expect at least one of you to respond with anyway, I will try to clarify once more. I am aware of the fact that I made some assumptions about the motives of others in the synchroblog thing. I have already apologized for this, having realized my error. (An error that I only realized because I continued to try to understand the motives of others, rather than rest on the initial assumption.) So I know at least one of you will point out this error of mine and I will simply copy this paragraph and point out additionally that I asked all along for the error in my way of thinking to be pointed out to me, and wasn't taken up on it. Well, since that is now part of this paragraph, I can just copy it.

Just some explanations of some of the emotional issues re: life, or something close to it.

Sabbatical

I have been away (as I am sure you noticed) reevaluating myself, my life, and my spiritual leanings as a result of the blowup here and elsewhere regarding the synchroblog issue. A lot of time has been spent considering what MC told me offline in conjunction with summing up why I reacted the way I did. Sorry for the setup, but I am not sharing that at this point.

As a result, I missed the note about the new synchroblog in question. If any of you noticed I didn't participate, I wasn't boycotting. I simply had no idea it was going on.

I will look over what was posted in the next few days, as well as hopefully addressing some of the conclusions I came to in my absence.

For now, it is the time for sleep in my life, or something close to it.

Reflections On The Shower (AKA: The Spider Lives)

I was in the shower this morning and something happened to make me stop and think. (Sorry if it disappoints you, but this is not THAT kind of story)

Shortly after I got in I noticed movement along the wall of the shower and turned to see a very small spider trying to make its way to anywhere that wasn't where it was. I don't know if you have ever been a spider on the wall of a shower, but if you have you know that the water spraying on the wall you are trying to walk on can be deadly.

I realized that this spider didn't stand a chance of getting to safety given its position and the spray of the water, so I shifted my own position to block the water and give it a fighting chance. I would have liked to have just moved it, but it was a tiny spider, and the circumstances led to the probability that I would end up killing it in the attempt.

So here I stood in the shower, acting as a guard for this little spider as it worked on moving back to safety. I held my ground as it slowly made its way, my heart sinking just a little bit every time it slipped and rising just a little as it recovered. I was seriously rooting this spider on.

Then it stopped. In a position along the side of the soap tray it just stopped and held its ground. I watched it unmoving as it stayed right where it was. I realized that if I moved it was still very much in the danger zone. I almost willed it to slip as it was on a jutting surface and would thus allow me to grab the web it hung by to move it to safety.

As I tried to will it to move I tried mapping out any of the best routes for it to take and that is when it hit me. It had two choices. Retreat into the dangerous area from which it came, or move forward. Retreat made no sense, it was trying to get back to its web. Moving forward was impossible. Why? Because where I stood caused the water to spray off of me onto the path it needed to take.

While my standing there had given it an opportunity for survival, now I was standing there too long. I needed to move now to allow it to continue to safety. I did, and it did.

Then I just reflected on this scene, seeing it as an allegory for my life. I have spent much of it in a "danger zone" where the slightest misstep would have me swept away. I have survived because others have stepped in and stemmed that flow.

The problem is that I find myself mixing the metaphor here. Because I am certain it is I who stand in my way, not any of those who have helped me get to where I am. I just need to figure out how and when to get out of my own way. Too soon and I get swept away. Too late and I spend a lot more time sniffing the soap than I need to.

Just some wet reflections on life, or something close to it.