Fears Revisited
It happened again today. Well "it" has happened several times in the past couple of weeks. Oddly to some of you who note what I am referring to, I consider the episodes of the last couple of weeks to be more minor than today. In that the greater fear that I have had was in regard to exactly the scenario playing out right now.
Three times in the last month I have lost consciousness. Twice at work, (Fortunately the folks at work are very understanding, and take it lightly now. The last time, only a passing joke from my manager about getting back to work, no other mention was made.) and once at home. Nothing too serious. You get used to it.
Today was one of those "minor" days that concerns me more. When I am on the edge and just not quite working properly. Spiking a couple of times with slight difficulty speaking, and my body just doesn't quite react the way it is supposed to. Kind of like your body being drunk while your mind is sober enough to notice how it isn't quite working right. This lasts for hours sometimes. It has lasted nearly the entire day today. Again, something I have gotten used to.
Why the fear then? It isn't an immediate concern for myself. It is much more deep rooted. IT ties in with the fact that my mother has been watching the baby all day. When she was upstairs relaxing and the baby was in her cradle, I had to come up and get my mother because I wasn't trusting myself to pick the baby up even to bring her to her. This is the fear that was associated with Martha's pregnancy and my continuously not knowing what was going on. Now that I have a better understanding of the scope, concern for myself isn't so great. Concern for my capacity as a father is.
I think to some extent, the subconscious concerns along these lines have been manifesting. As of yet I have never been in a scenario in which I was the only one in the house with the baby. Part of this is the fact that my mother lives here and isn't employed. I think I would have engineered assistance anyway. The bottom line is, what kind of a father can I be when I require backup? When I can't actually be trusted to be alone with my daughter. Not on the short term. I see it coming in enough time to ensure she isn't in danger, but long term plans. How can I engineer a time span of hours in which I am responsible for her when we don't know in advance that I can do it.
Mom was chatting with the baby as she looked over my mom's shoulder at me and watched me recede (mom was headed upstairs with her, I wasn't) after waking up from her evening nap. It was as if she knew that this was the time frame where she hung out with me at the computer or watching television. My mother said "Daddy's having a little trouble today. Hopefully by the time you are old enough to understand, you won't have to."
I know this was kind of an optimistic statement aimed at me, but I can't help but be angered by this whole situation. "You're going to hang out with Nana for a while because daddy is broken. Don't worry about it, we are used to this."
Now I know that this won't kill me. I also know that it won't go away. They are optimistic about their professionals and the ability for them to fix me. I am not. I stopped going to the doctors. I stopped taking the medications that they want me to take. Not recently. Months ago on both counts. Before the baby was born. Why? Because they are treating symptoms while admittedly not knowing the cause. The treatments frankly have little impact in comparison to my state when I am not using them. The bigger disperity is in my wallet one way or the other. Frankly, I am just not willing to let people poke around anymore without having a clue what is going on. Perhaps this is part of what makes my fear of being a poor father legitemate, but I am at an impass. I can't play their games for years waiting for them to accidentally figure it out. I keep telling myself I can live with the alternative. Maybe I can. Today it just slapped me in the face kind of hard.
Sometimes your situation sucks and so do all of the alternatives. That's part of life, or something close to it.
Three times in the last month I have lost consciousness. Twice at work, (Fortunately the folks at work are very understanding, and take it lightly now. The last time, only a passing joke from my manager about getting back to work, no other mention was made.) and once at home. Nothing too serious. You get used to it.
Today was one of those "minor" days that concerns me more. When I am on the edge and just not quite working properly. Spiking a couple of times with slight difficulty speaking, and my body just doesn't quite react the way it is supposed to. Kind of like your body being drunk while your mind is sober enough to notice how it isn't quite working right. This lasts for hours sometimes. It has lasted nearly the entire day today. Again, something I have gotten used to.
Why the fear then? It isn't an immediate concern for myself. It is much more deep rooted. IT ties in with the fact that my mother has been watching the baby all day. When she was upstairs relaxing and the baby was in her cradle, I had to come up and get my mother because I wasn't trusting myself to pick the baby up even to bring her to her. This is the fear that was associated with Martha's pregnancy and my continuously not knowing what was going on. Now that I have a better understanding of the scope, concern for myself isn't so great. Concern for my capacity as a father is.
I think to some extent, the subconscious concerns along these lines have been manifesting. As of yet I have never been in a scenario in which I was the only one in the house with the baby. Part of this is the fact that my mother lives here and isn't employed. I think I would have engineered assistance anyway. The bottom line is, what kind of a father can I be when I require backup? When I can't actually be trusted to be alone with my daughter. Not on the short term. I see it coming in enough time to ensure she isn't in danger, but long term plans. How can I engineer a time span of hours in which I am responsible for her when we don't know in advance that I can do it.
Mom was chatting with the baby as she looked over my mom's shoulder at me and watched me recede (mom was headed upstairs with her, I wasn't) after waking up from her evening nap. It was as if she knew that this was the time frame where she hung out with me at the computer or watching television. My mother said "Daddy's having a little trouble today. Hopefully by the time you are old enough to understand, you won't have to."
I know this was kind of an optimistic statement aimed at me, but I can't help but be angered by this whole situation. "You're going to hang out with Nana for a while because daddy is broken. Don't worry about it, we are used to this."
Now I know that this won't kill me. I also know that it won't go away. They are optimistic about their professionals and the ability for them to fix me. I am not. I stopped going to the doctors. I stopped taking the medications that they want me to take. Not recently. Months ago on both counts. Before the baby was born. Why? Because they are treating symptoms while admittedly not knowing the cause. The treatments frankly have little impact in comparison to my state when I am not using them. The bigger disperity is in my wallet one way or the other. Frankly, I am just not willing to let people poke around anymore without having a clue what is going on. Perhaps this is part of what makes my fear of being a poor father legitemate, but I am at an impass. I can't play their games for years waiting for them to accidentally figure it out. I keep telling myself I can live with the alternative. Maybe I can. Today it just slapped me in the face kind of hard.
Sometimes your situation sucks and so do all of the alternatives. That's part of life, or something close to it.
posted by Wanderer at 10:54 PM
5 Comments:
I wont say I understand.. but I have my share of fears too.. we all do.. We just need to know what is to be done coz knowing what is to be done diminishes fear. And pain is transient, just hang in there, coz This, too will pass.. Love, Maaya
I have a recurring respiratory problem that runs in the family. While it's more or less under control at the present there was a time when it would feel like my air had been suddenly "cut off." Not knowing when these times would happen made me afraid to go out, to be physically active, etc. Not trying to say I know exactly how you're feeling, but I can relate somewhat. And while trial and error is a poor way to do medicine, I would encourage you to not give up on the doctors forever. But far be it from me to tell you what to do!
In any case I'll be praying for you.
the new mexican side of the "family" are praying for you too brother.
if only people suited perfectly to be parents became parents, mom would be out of work, there would be no students to teach, no little voices on the playgrounds.
we all have our shortcomings...some are shorter than others
Arthur - Much appreciated. I like how you are simultaneously trying to build my confidence, making a social statement and poking fun at Martha. (The last might be imagined, but I still like it.)
But I will state this, your quality of Fatherhood is not dependant upon anything other than your sincere desire to provide your best effort and in this particular area you still seem to be exceeding the majority of those out there who have a false claim on this.
I think Chip has summed it up best. Hang in there and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope they can find out what is wrong, or at the very least, help you cope in such a way that your fears, while perhaps not completely put aside, are eased.
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