Life or something close to it.

Use of Old Tool

2010-03-26T20:00:00.000-04:00

This is the easiest way for me to post this pic elsewhere.

Title Goes Here

2009-10-20T23:18:00.003-04:00

I feel like my soul is slowly being chipped away. That it has been while I wasn't looking. There was a day that I knew me. That day wasn't recent. I am not worrying about the greater questions of the meaning of life or the desire of the Goddess. No. I looked in a mirror just now and began to realize, I am not sure I know who that man is, or what he is about.

I am lost, in this life, or something close to it.

Been A While

2009-09-16T22:04:00.002-04:00

So some time has passed since my last post. In point of fact, I haven't logged back into blogger since I made that post six months ago.

Today I was waiting for the bus to come home, and had just sent a text to Lisanocerous, when my blackberry roared at me to tell me I had a message. It wasn't a response from her yet, it was an e-mail notification. The e-mail came from this blog. Something I hadn't thought of for a while. It let me know that Cindy had made a comment.

So I came here to see what she said, starting with reading the post she was responding to. It was the last post I put out here. What I found was interesting. I was reminded that six months ago I had been feeling much the way I have been feeling this week. Thinking a lot of the same things as I had been thinking at the time.

It felt very much like I had gone full circle. For many reasons. Not only did I find myself in a series of scenarios earlier in the week that led me to feel lost in some ways as I tried to communicate before, but the blackberry I got the message on is new. Not new as in top of the line. I don't know if they even make this model any more. It was given to me by Godzilla. Because the phone that Vader gave me six months ago went into the lake a couple of weeks ago. I had handed it to my sister to take a picture of this big fish I caught, and she dropped it.

So once again I upgraded by fire, when I could not find a way to do so under my own merits. So I have some personal things going on, and unlike my nature in the past, I am not going to even hint at them here. But life has thrown some things at me again, and I am dealing with them as best I can. And amongst that, I get a message out of the blue, from someone who just simply said, "Hey."

You gave me a lot to think about with that one word, and I am somewhat glad you did. Just more ruminations on life, or something close to it.

A Letter To Jamesomeone

2009-03-07T03:15:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking of you. Many times over the past two years, but continuously the last twenty four hours. This is the time of year where you come more to mind. I have begun campaigning again for the MS fundraiser I was at two years ago when you died. Last night just brought you to the forefront again.

In a moment of sheer fury I lost control. My phone demonstrated that as a projectile it loses against a door. I was furious about being used. About being there for people who couldn't care less about me when they no longer had a use for me. About being walked on when it suited people, and left struggling to hold on to a thread that was all that I had for a lifeline when that use expired.

In poetic fashion, I demonstrated my own helplessness in that action. Not only in the lack of control to prevent such destruction, but the lack of ability to rectify it.

I no longer wear your boots. I can't. There is too much damage to them. I now wear boots given to me by MC because I couldn't replace them. When you were here you gave me so much when I couldn't give it to myself. Then one day, in a moment's destructive force, you removed yourself from our lives.

In a moment's destructive force I did something similar, though not as permanent. I heard the train whistle behind my house as I stared at the pieces of my phone. My link to the outside world. The only place that contained the numbers of some important people in my life.

Lisanocerous for one. I don't know if any of my friends have her new number. I don't know if she will eventually reach out to me if I don't find it. MC is another but I know he will seek me out sooner or later. Your sister, as well, was in that phone, but I am certain she won't come looking for me.

Contact information that I may or may not be able to replace was gone in a moment's rage. As well as some pictures, music, etc... All of this isn't why you came so strongly to mind though. I have a temporary phone that doesn't really work right, but serves for me to be able to answer if work calls. Tomorrow, I will have a new phone. New to me. No, I can't afford to replace my phone, I will be getting it from Vader. An old phone he no longer uses.

Just downstairs is a bag that I will be looking through in the morning. A potential positive, depending on what I find. It is my clothes for the year. What I can use out of it anyway. Clothes with no tags on them. Clothes that are new only to me, but discarded by others.

I can't remember when I last had a pair of pants that I purchased. When I last had a friend I wasn't using in some fashion to get by in a manner I couldn't without them. More importantly, when the last time was I was able to offer anything in return.

I thought of the train last night, because for a moment I once again understood the exit strategy. I understood that there is no winning scenario in this game. I understood that just turning it off had its merit and its appeal. That sleeping as much as possible to avoid dealing with the waking hours had a more permanent form.

Then I talked to Vader, and I went to bed. Again now I will do the same. To be rested to deal with my daughter and help her enjoy this portion of her life when she doesn't understand yet that life is just a pointless battle for most of us. That she wasn't born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and as such her life will suck until it is over.

I go to bed to escape. To take my own temporary version of your route, because I am not ready to get away from life, or something close to it.

My Boots Are Dying

2008-10-17T02:53:00.002-04:00

I have another post planned that was going to appear here. It is written in a notebook, after the one I posted and before the other one in the notebook. Those two will have to wait. Why? The easy answer is, because it is my blog. The slightly deeper answer is that it is because my boots are dying.

To be completely accurate, I should address the fact that some of you might immediately react to the above statement with the obvious. My boots are inanimate objects, thus have never been alive, thus cannot be dying. You couldn't be further from the truth.

These boots were not purchased by me. In fact, in my lifetime, I have only purchased one pair of external footware. A pair of boots I still own, that must be in storage somewhere. I put them aside the day I bought them, in favor of these boots I now where.

Why the lack of footware purchase? Simple formula. I had my parents buying my clothes and shoes and etc... all through school. This continued right into high school and the immediate following period. Fairly shortly out of high school, I went into the service. Three sets of footwear bought for me by your tax dollars. (Come to think of it, I bought a pair of boots then too, so two total. Those boots were rendered unserviceable years ago.) My combat boots stayed as my mainstay from the point my jump boots lost their soles (the other pair I bought) a couple of years out of the service, until four or five years ago. While at work I tore open the sole of one of them and had to replace them in the middle of the work day. I bought a pair of cheap boots, which I hated, that day. That evening, MC and Jamesomeone came to visit with me and when I told them what happened, and how much I hated those boots, Jamesomeone gave me a pair he had from when he was a volunteer fireman. He said he had no use for them.

I have worn those boots ever since. They used to have zippers on the side, but both broke, leaving me having to tie and untie them like a normal boot. But now, one of the boots is separating on the back. There already exists about a four inch separation from the sole. They are unserviceable and promising to get worse in a hurry.

Why so huge? Well, for those of you who are new to the blog, or don't remember the connection, I lost Jamesomeon over a year ago. These boots I wear daily are my last direct connection with him. I mean, I have a pair of dress shoes that were also his, but how often does one wear those? This daily connection is gone, and nothing I will can restore this. This is bad enough on its own, if not presented with the additional problem. The same problem that existed at the time. Decent boots are expensive. I haven't got the money to replace them. Just like then. Not just the cost to replace them exactly, but even comparably. Payless doesn't believe in boots that reach above an inch or so beyond a high top sneaker.

On top of the comfort level I have known for over a decade, is the connection. I don't know how to handle boots that just serve a purpose. Even the boots I wore in the service held a purpose in the service. My combat boots spoke of something. These boots a friend gave spoke of that friendship. With his loss, they spoke of the only connection I had left with him.

Now I will have no boots. I will have no connection. I will undoubtedly begin wearing a pair of shoes, gotten from a donation from a church via my mother-in-law, much as I get most of my clothes. They will not be what I need. They will serve no purpose, and have no connection to anything important to me, other than not being barefoot. They will be nothing.

I assume to all of you this means nothing. But I have lost my boots. To me, that is life, or something close to it.

Thoughts During My Sabbatical

2008-10-16T20:23:00.005-04:00

I took some time off and reflected on the most recent arguments I got into on this blog. On why I became angry about the issue. I came to the realization (not without the help of my friends) that this ties directly to another issue that has been known to arouse such anger in me in the past. An issue that on the surface appears to be completely different.

I have to force myself to reign in my temper at work sometimes when I am trying to go above and beyond to help somebody out, and they are fighting me and thus preventing the assistance I am trying to provide. Or when people call in screaming and yelling because they expect to get a hassle from you, and when they don't, they feel the need to keep going until their arsenal is exhausted any way. In both of these cases, people form opinions about what is going on in the conversation, and where it will go, and they act according to these opinions rather than to the results of the conversation.

This does tie in with what happened here, and has happened here in the past. I originally assumed insult with the scenario, because I did not consider the fact that this was a decision being made by a group of individuals, not a single entity. The fault in this lies with me, and I have already admitted that.

The response, however, is where the anger seeded and matured. Those who responded all took a common approach. They assumed they knew me, and my motives for reacting as I did. They then crafted their responses based on this assumption.

Those familiar with the scientific method know that you can't form a conclusion first and then make the test results fit this conclusion. Detectives know you can't make the facts fit the case, but must, rather, do it the other way around.

At the core of this is the reason for why I became so angry. Angrier than seemed warranted, even to me. It is a primal issue, and the inherent cause for virtually all of the ills of the world. The formation of reasoning based on belief, rather than belief based on reason.

The fact that people chose to form beliefs about me, and then deduce my motivations based on this connected to this more primal issue at the core of numerous other problems that are more serious in the world today. Rather than take the time to try to determine why I was offended, people decided that they knew, and that I was wrong. The former was false, even if the latter was not.

This issue, anonymous, is why you got such a hostile response from me in that earlier conversation. I requested to specifically avoid this scenario in that conversation and was ignored.

So while some of you hover over the keyboard with the response I expect at least one of you to respond with anyway, I will try to clarify once more. I am aware of the fact that I made some assumptions about the motives of others in the synchroblog thing. I have already apologized for this, having realized my error. (An error that I only realized because I continued to try to understand the motives of others, rather than rest on the initial assumption.) So I know at least one of you will point out this error of mine and I will simply copy this paragraph and point out additionally that I asked all along for the error in my way of thinking to be pointed out to me, and wasn't taken up on it. Well, since that is now part of this paragraph, I can just copy it.

Just some explanations of some of the emotional issues re: life, or something close to it.

Sabbatical

2008-10-14T23:57:00.003-04:00

I have been away (as I am sure you noticed) reevaluating myself, my life, and my spiritual leanings as a result of the blowup here and elsewhere regarding the synchroblog issue. A lot of time has been spent considering what MC told me offline in conjunction with summing up why I reacted the way I did. Sorry for the setup, but I am not sharing that at this point.

As a result, I missed the note about the new synchroblog in question. If any of you noticed I didn't participate, I wasn't boycotting. I simply had no idea it was going on.

I will look over what was posted in the next few days, as well as hopefully addressing some of the conclusions I came to in my absence.

For now, it is the time for sleep in my life, or something close to it.

Amateur Psychoanalysis

2008-09-10T15:00:00.002-04:00

Why is it that every time I am involved in a discussion here and strangers come wandering in, their response to my request for a rational explanation of a position contrary to mine is to claim that I think I am the only person who is capable of thought, or that I think I can't be wrong? Wouldn't the logical, and in the long run less volatile, response be to provide the explanation I sought.

I will not argue that I get passionate about things. And some of those topics, like my on going gay rights arguments, are very important to me. Very emotional for me. One of the most difficult elements in these issues is trying to get past built in prejudices with logical discourse. Something that frequently seems like it is a waste of time.

Yet every time I request someone to give me an argument that makes sense, they turn around and accuse me of refusing to acknowledge that someone else could be right. They accuse me of arrogance, or acting on some past hurt or any other thing to eliminate the concept that I am thinking about the issue. To minimize me in what I can only assume is a defensive gesture because they can't support their own side. I can only assume that because they don't.

However I will say that I am sick of people coming here and deciding to address what they think they know about me, instead of what we are actually discussing. So I will issue this statement now. If you come here looking for a fight, you will get it. If you come here looking for a conversation, you will get it. How will I determine which you are looking for? Simply by looking at whether you are discussing the topic or me. Because you may know the topic, but you don't know me, so the latter choice means you are just looking to piss me off. Odds are, you will succeed.

Just some observations on life, or something close to it.

The Synchroblog Controversy

2008-09-09T00:32:00.003-04:00

Alright, controversy might be a bit of a large term for the situation. For those of you who don't know what this is about, probably most of you, I was recently visiting my friend Erin's blog, and she was mentioning that the synchroblog she was involved with could use some new writers. A synchroblog is an entity in which a topic and a date are chosen on a monthly basis and everyone involved writes on this one topic, and links to the others who addressed it. Many view points on a single topic.

I indicated that this seemed to be a christian synchroblog and as such I probably would not be welcome, but if I was I might be interested in offering my viewpoints on these topics. She looked into it, they took a vote, and big surprise: I was right. I am not wanted by their group. It should have ended there. It could have ended there. I would have been okay with this. But then they got insulting about it.

Apparently, the powers that be with their little synchroblog decided that while I was unwelcome in the existing item, they would work on creating an interfaith synchroblog on which I would be welcome. Wasn't that nice of them?

Wasn't it nice of them to decide that I was not good enough to play at their table because I didn't share their viewpoints, but they would set up a separate room I could play in. One where these people who didn't want me could choose topics for me to write about so the cute little Pagan could do tricks for them, tricks that were unsuitable for their main parlor room.

The thing about this entity is that if I were involved with it, none of them would be compelled to read what I wrote. They could simply ignore it as they undoubtedly would this consolation prize of theirs. It wouldn't be as if I was handed a microphone to spout my views in a room they were locked inside. In short, my presence would have no necessary impact on them whatsoever, except for their knowledge that I was there and had an opinion on their topic. I wonder if they have been secretly appalled as I have commented on blogs about this topic when their acceptable bloggers have spoken up? Big difference there? Not that I can see.

You see, it isn't like I am trying to force my way into their club. I was perfectly willing to accept that they didn't want my contribution. But the gall of them to offer to set up (they set up, not me) a forum in which my opinions on their topics was acceptable to share pisses me off. I mean I am seriously angry about this. About the condescension necessary to even offer such a suggestion. About the fact that these 'righteous' people undoubtedly truly believe this offer is something beneficial to us both. Like it allows them to go slumming, and allows me some precious stage time or something.

What makes me even angrier is the fact that I have tried to explain my position (not to bargain my way in, but so she will understand) several times, and now I post here, and I am not sure that I am succesfully conveying the reason for the anger, the reason I feel the insult that sparked this.

This isn't about them not including me, but about their alternative suggestion. How do I get across the insult and anger, and the reasons for them so it doesn't seem like I am just upset about not getting to play? Or have I?

Or is this just another pointless tirade in my life, or something close to it?

Further Issues With Jerks and Morons

2008-08-10T20:29:00.002-04:00

Yes, I am going to still complain about stupid people and stupid things they say on the phone, so my anonymous friend, you may want to cover your eyes.

Some of you people out there will be assholes to my operators, because you feel that you have the right to do so. It isn't even a question of tempers either, I know that you think you can do so because my operators have to take it. Its their job. You couldn't be more wrong.

You see, my operators are not payed to put up with your shit. They are not payed to get yelled at. They are not paid to be abused by you. They are paid to facilitate your communication with the emergency personnell you are looking to reach to fix a problem that you are facing.

Unfortunately our society is very well versed in "the customer is always right" kind of business dealings. We also as a society tend to hype up in our own minds of our superiority over folks who are in any position of servitude, such as customer service implies.

In regards to my operators, though, there are a couple of things you should probably remember. First and foremost, you are not our customer, so even that "customer is always right" mentality doesn't apply as well here. The company you are trying to reach is our customer. So if they give us the rules they want to play by, no amount of bullying on your part will get us to do differently.

So here is the thing. If you haven't figured it out yet, I am not quite your placating, customer is always right kind of supervisor. I will do my best to see to the needs of both the caller and our client so everybody is a winner. That is my job. However, there is one thing I won't stand for. You don't abuse my operators.

Ask anybody who has ever been abused by a caller when I was on duty and you will find out that this caller learned that if they don't play nice, neither do I. I just wish that more people played that way. Too many managers are too worried about losing precious business if they don't cow down to the customer. Now I am not knocking the concept that you bend over backwards for a customer, but if your loyalty is more to their dollar than to the people who work for you, something is screwed up there.

If more people showed loyalty to their own in the business world, you would have less of these assholes abusing people who are trying to do their job. But until more people see the wisdom of this, all I can say is that the assholes in Rochester are getting the short end of the stick.

Just some thoughts about phone etiquette in this life, or something close to it.

Reflecting On Lessons Unlearned

2008-08-05T20:20:00.002-04:00

So I sat down today as I was waiting for Martha to finish the first infusion of her new medication and I reflected on conversations I have had with people over the past few days in person, on this blog (and the others I visit) and on the phone. I reflected on various conversations, debates and arguments I have been involved in since this blog was created. Thinking of the web address that I have looked at hundreds of times before, I consider the original title I was going to use for this blog. Lessons Unlearned. The title taken from something I wrote several years before this blog was created, and subsequently shared here. For the first time I stopped and wondered how others had read that title, or how others read it if they looked at the address bar for this site.

I wondered whether people interpreted it to mean lessons that I had not learned as of yet, or whether it was interpreted to mean that I was addressing lessons that I had learned that were wrong and needed therefore to be "unlearned".

While the former had been the intention, it occurs to me that both could apply. There are new things that I am learning every day, but I also get the impression that there are things that I need to learn that I have not. There are also things that I have been taught, that have been ingrained in me from a young age that I have spent years "unlearning."

This is not unique to me. Many individuals out there have gone through similar circumstances. In fact, not only do we see this in many individuals, but we see this happening in societies. In fact, some of the greatest conflicts societies face is based on such an occurrence. It is based on the unwillingness of some people to unlearn their ways, either through fear, or an inability to be convinced that what they have been taught is wrong. (Not just reflecting people being stubborn, in some cases they aren't wrong.) Yet often times society moves forward through such process, if not always completely. Slavery is unlearned, but for some the prejudice isn't. Women being second class citizens has been unlearned, but legally based rights and equality issues don't erase the prejudices completely in that arena either.

Slowly people can be reached and induced to accept that something is inappropriate, or incorrect, and this unlearning process is necessary. Each person thus reached helps to increase the likelihood that others will consider what public opinions to espouse or actions to take as what was once normal becomes socially unacceptable. But then, there will always be those who just don't care. That is, after all, one of the beauties of our society. We generally have the right to be socially unacceptable. Some of us exercise it more than others.

The fun area to watch the Lessons Unlearned phenomenon is with churches. You get individuals or groups that step away from the whole. They determine that the body that they were with has got it wrong. From here they find some person or group that seems to have a better understanding or forge their own path.

The thing that makes churches particularly interesting with this phenomenon is that these folks that are stepping away generally aren't that quiet about it. They let the folks that they are leaving know that they are leaving and why. They let everyone else know what is wrong with the folks they just left.

I commented recently that one of the things that amuses me about watching some of these evolving christians, reading their words and hearing them speak is that more of these people who are branching off and being quoted by so many others are spouting similar theology to what they have been condemning folks like me for for years.

Things like spirituality being at odds with religion. Things like theology being reflected in the nature around us. Things like having an interpersonal relationship with their god. These things are popping up more and more. I can almost hear her laughing, "Now they are getting the idea."

Just some thoughts on lessons unlearned in life, or something close to it.

Telephone Etiquette

2008-08-03T10:10:00.004-04:00

There is no phone on the planet on which you type in the seven digit phone number and then the area code, so why the hell do so many of you stupid people give the phone number that way?

While we are on the subject, if you are talking to anyone who is operating in a professional capacity, keep the same name through the call. If you introduce yourself as Debbie, don't change it to Deborah when verifying spelling. Yes, your full name is more accurate for professional dealings, so why don't you start with it? We aren't friends, Debbie. In fact I neither know nor care about you, so lets just keep it formal from the beginning.

Just some aggravated thoughts from the person on the other end of the telephone in your life, or something close to it.

Reflections On The Shower (AKA: The Spider Lives)

2008-08-02T03:23:00.003-04:00

I was in the shower this morning and something happened to make me stop and think. (Sorry if it disappoints you, but this is not THAT kind of story)

Shortly after I got in I noticed movement along the wall of the shower and turned to see a very small spider trying to make its way to anywhere that wasn't where it was. I don't know if you have ever been a spider on the wall of a shower, but if you have you know that the water spraying on the wall you are trying to walk on can be deadly.

I realized that this spider didn't stand a chance of getting to safety given its position and the spray of the water, so I shifted my own position to block the water and give it a fighting chance. I would have liked to have just moved it, but it was a tiny spider, and the circumstances led to the probability that I would end up killing it in the attempt.

So here I stood in the shower, acting as a guard for this little spider as it worked on moving back to safety. I held my ground as it slowly made its way, my heart sinking just a little bit every time it slipped and rising just a little as it recovered. I was seriously rooting this spider on.

Then it stopped. In a position along the side of the soap tray it just stopped and held its ground. I watched it unmoving as it stayed right where it was. I realized that if I moved it was still very much in the danger zone. I almost willed it to slip as it was on a jutting surface and would thus allow me to grab the web it hung by to move it to safety.

As I tried to will it to move I tried mapping out any of the best routes for it to take and that is when it hit me. It had two choices. Retreat into the dangerous area from which it came, or move forward. Retreat made no sense, it was trying to get back to its web. Moving forward was impossible. Why? Because where I stood caused the water to spray off of me onto the path it needed to take.

While my standing there had given it an opportunity for survival, now I was standing there too long. I needed to move now to allow it to continue to safety. I did, and it did.

Then I just reflected on this scene, seeing it as an allegory for my life. I have spent much of it in a "danger zone" where the slightest misstep would have me swept away. I have survived because others have stepped in and stemmed that flow.

The problem is that I find myself mixing the metaphor here. Because I am certain it is I who stand in my way, not any of those who have helped me get to where I am. I just need to figure out how and when to get out of my own way. Too soon and I get swept away. Too late and I spend a lot more time sniffing the soap than I need to.

Just some wet reflections on life, or something close to it.

better version of the song

2008-07-31T20:51:00.002-04:00

I figured to make my life easier I would just post this new video rather than replace the old. This one has the full cd version of the song, including the missing verse from the other one. I have no association with the cat or anyone else in those pictures, nor do I want to know how the listener thinks the loss of a cat compares to the emotion of this song.

So it is a video montage of a creepy stranger's life, or something close to it.

What I have been listening to lately

2008-07-29T20:18:00.003-04:00

This is the song that has spent a considerable amount of time on my MP3 player this week. Of course the version on my MP3 player isn't live and doesn't have the conversation part in the front and back. This was the only really practical means I had of sharing it with you folks. At this point I will reserve judgement on whether my obsession with this song is healthy or not.

I apologize of the sound quality is bad on this video, I am posting at work so unable to listen to it to confirm quality.

Just a little musical commentary on life, or something close to it.

Calling all Katherines, Catherines, Kathryns etc...

2008-07-23T21:48:00.003-04:00

This is only a short little rant, but I figure I may as well come up with something to break my several months of silence out here, and this is obviously better than breaking it with something silly like an explanation of where I have been and what I have been up to.

I am going to share with you something that I have learned through my many years of customer service. People can be really huffy about the spelling of their names should you get it wrong. I can understand some annoyance if you receive some official paper with your name spelled wrong because they didn't bother to verify. What I don't understand is being annoyed that the person trying to verify the spelling guessed wrong. Doesn't this just prove why they are doing that to begin with?

Do you know who gets really pissy about the spelling of their name though? Kathryn does. So does Catherine, Katherine, and Kathrynne. You see, there are many ways to spell Catherine, and every single Katherine out there seems to be at war with those whose parents named them a different shade of Kathryn. It reminds me a little of Dr Seuss's sneetches.

You see, what you Cath-wrens out there don't seem to realize is that this isn't a personal slight against your individual brand of Katherinism. In point of fact, we don't care about how you spell it. Well, not beyond getting it right. I am just saying we don't have a preference. Further, no number of pissy little Catherines are ever going to change our opinion that one Katherine is as good as another, nominally speaking.

I guess, what I am trying to get across to you Katheryns is, lighten up. You aren't special. Your name is going to be misspelled by many of us, or we are just going to ask you to spell it. If you don't like it, take it out on your parents.

That also goes for the occasional Stephen, Christine etc....although you are admittedly not as bad as Cathy.

That is just my take on life, or something close to it.

The Reality Of The Debate

2008-03-26T19:00:00.003-04:00

Many people in places other than this blog engage in many a debate in which too many people focus on the words and the philosophies and the teachings of ancient "holy texts" that the people their legislation effects don't all believe in. The sickening thing is that you people refuse to see that it is more than words.

I was told that one could not become passionate as I am about this issue because it did not directly effect them.

A month ago, 15 year old Lawrence King was murdered by a fourteen year old boy, one of the same boys who taunted and bullied him about his sexual orientation. A week later a 17 year old transgender teen was killed as well.

Unlike you people, this is real to them. Very real. How many of you would vote for the "Not my problem" response if a member of your family was persecuted? If they faced very real danger?

Anonymous - Do you still stand by your claim that a homosexual can live, work, socialize where they want to without fear of persecution or even fear for their lives? Have you yet researched the idiocy of these kinds of statements?

That is two more of your fellow human beings dead. Are all of you folks really ok with this? If not, do you really think it does a damn bit of good for the future Lawrence Kings for you to shake your head, say that is a shame and just go about your daily lives?

You folks like to say that it is wrong to draw parallels to other civil rights movements. My Goddess takes issue with anyone's blood being spilled in her fields. Where does your god stand on that one? The same two quotes keep racing through my mind with every new story like this that comes out. One from the bible, one sardonic. "Whatever you do to the least of my people..." comes from the bible. The bumper sticker that comes to mind says, "Jesus is coming, and his pissed."

Remember the WWJD kick a little while back? What do you think he would do in response to you turning your backs and becoming accomplices to these abuses and murders? Whose side do you really think he will be on, yours or Lawrence King's?

Just some more thoughts to interrupt your life, or something close to it.

Idiots With Phones

2008-03-05T09:50:00.002-05:00

As previously mentioned, stating that an office should have opened ten minutes ago will not cause it to open. You do however appear exceptionally stupid when you start with that statement and then explain that you will be late to an appointment due to the weather.

Just another PSA for your life, or something close to it.

Defective Arguments

2008-03-03T19:41:00.003-05:00

I have been arguing the question of gay marriage and other civil rights for the LBGT community for a number of years and, latest exchange on the blog included, have yet to find a single logic based argument presented against any of these rights.

It is not uncommon for folks, such as anonymous did, to take a "we just see it differently" approach. Frankly this is unacceptable when these questions still hang out there.

This country is not (supposed to be) a theocracy. As such, legislation should not be thwarted for religious reasons. So I open the floor up now. Do any of you out there have any logical arguments against such legislation? Arguments that don't involve your bible or generic, sweeping and unbased concepts such as breaking with tradition or unfounded scare tactics such as it opening the door to polygamy and beastiality?

Who out there has a logical reason to stand against these legislations? And if you don't, what the hell are you doing not fighting to get them in place?

Just a quick, deep question about life, or something close to it.

For I Was Hungry

2008-01-30T20:10:00.000-05:00

Around the nation a larger percentage of the people are talking about the money that President Bush is pushing for them to get. This rebate from the IRS. As one of the many citizens of this great nation who sits at the poverty level, I can understand why this is a big deal to them. Perhaps so much so that they don't understand what a big deal this is to the President and his party.

You see, I can't buy that this is being done out of benevolence on his part. I can't buy his stories about economic stimulus (perhaps because many economists will point out that this won't work, since the splurging will be done on foreign made products), no, all I can see is the President trying to do something incredible in a feeble attempt to overshadow what he has done in the past eight years. Not so bad an idea. Many wonderful things Clinton did were forgotten when the question of adultery was raised. Why not try the reverse?

Soon we will again be making a decision between the parties of two groups with decidedly different agendas and I find the whole process making me sick to my stomach. Outraged that we moved to impeach a President over a blowjob, but have yet to do so over war crimes. Outraged that this President and the Right that pulls his strings make decisions contradictory to their own bibles in alienating people and getting our own people killed for no good reason.

The title of this post references Mark 25. (I believe, I may be a little bit rusty. I am fairly certain of the 25, it could be Matthew.) Most of you Christians will understand what I reference, and you non christians won't care.

Think over and read over that verse and its context and think of the following potential, reasonable, replacements:

"When I was loyal, you sent me off to die."

"When I was sick, you refused to allow the person who knew me best to see that my wishes were met."

"When I loved, you condemned me for it."

Any of these sound like things you want said in that same judgement day scenario?

I brought up the concept of caring for our own in the last post, and I carry on with that theory now. In keeping with the above, I will offer another parable.

Two sets of parents left on a lengthy trip. Each leaving an elder son to care for a younger son.

In the first family, the elder son spent a good part of his time preaching to the younger about all of the various ways he needed to clean up his life. He lectured about how he should live, and then when he was sure his brother had gotten the message, he went on to similarly educate his neighbors.

In the second family, the elder son spent most of his time drinking and smoking pot. He had parties and slept around and made full use of his independence.

When the two sets of parents come back, what do they find? In the first home, they find that the eldest son has been too busy teaching his morals to care for his brother. They find the brother malnourished, and very sick.

In the second they find the house trashed, beer cans, roaches and condoms everywhere. A very hungover brother is watching his younger sibling eat cheerios in front of his cartoons even as the noise of the latter hurts his head.

In the first, the brother is righteous, in the second most certainly not. I blanketed religions in my last question and condemnation of the human nature, now I turn back directly to the Christians, for your god addressed the very question:

"When I was hungry...."

Do you good Christians vote for the same group who ban relationships between those "horrible sinners" who wish to live in homosexual realtionships that hurt nobody? The same righteous group that is responsible for our sons and daughters, neighbors, sisters and brothers coming home in boxes? Do we vote for those "righteous" folks who are destroying life after life? Or do we vote for the human race? Those who want our soldiers alive? Those who want loving relationships to thrive regardless of whether they fit the mold?

Yes, I know some generalization goes to both sides. Yet there is that thought "Whatever you do to the least of my brethren."

"I came to you as a homosexual just looking to live in peace, and you......"
"I came as a soldier, not wanting to die, but ready to do so to defend my fellow man, and you....."

A) Abandoned me.
B) Saw me safe and secure in a loving home.

Which do you choose? Which gets you into heaven? Which simply makes you a decent human being?

Just some thoughts on life, or something close to it.

What We Need Is An Alien Invasion

2007-12-30T03:57:00.000-05:00

You see it time and again in the movies. The alien invaders are coming with superior intelligence, superior technology, superior everything. How do the humans win? Through resolve and determination and a timely dose of ingenuity. Yet what always lies underneath that crust? The population of the world working together. Putting aside their differences in an attempt to avoid extermination. In an "us against them" mentality, everyone sticks with the "us-es".

The fact that they are superior to us in every way doesn't matter, because our unity, and determination and resolve will take the day, as long as we work together. An interesting thought. Let me take it in a potentially unexpected direction.

The Goddess or other god that many people believe in is, by definition, quite different from us. An alien form. Not necessarily one who is directly attacking us, but is rather apparently doing it insidiously by getting us to attack one another, through teachings that certain qualities or tendencies of man require that they be shunned or killed.

Lets look at this. So many of the religions out there, whether divinely inspired or not, encourage destruction of your fellow man if they don't meet the mold. People blow themselves up to kill others based on their interpretation of the Koran. People shoot doctors who perform abortions due to their interpretation of the Bible. Hell, they even promote the death of homosexuals based on the same book.

Many other examples of a less immediate and lethal nature exist of conflict based on these various alien forces. Why then, don't we look to the hope of those movies. That humans will stand together amongst their own for the common good? To protect themselves from the idiocy that creates this division (or even if you believe it is truly a god's commandment, from the idiocy of said god) and protect our own?

Why instead do we have senseless wars and forums where people scream their vitriolic hatred at each other based on who one has sex with. Why do we have the anti-war center locally destroyed by a vandal while our own people die for no reason over seas? Why do we have people cutting each other down without the outside interference.

The whys are difficult. The result is more easily understood. All that it accomplishes is that the Goddess shakes her head and wonders why we won't allow ourselves to evolve.

A question that is one of the most fundamental questions about life, or something close to it.

Funny Tattoo

2007-12-29T22:52:00.000-05:00

I know that it is part of their worst tattoo list, and I fully acknowledge that it could be considered irreverent by many, but I think this tattoo is hilarious. I saw it while on a break at work and laughed my ass off.

(Although I suspect somewhere down the line the guy might regret having that joke etched into his skin, just because it has gotten old if nothing else.)

Just thought I would share one questionable decision in life, or something close to it.

Solstices In The Southern Hemisphere

2007-12-21T14:56:00.000-05:00

My very preliminary research into the question of Solstices in the Southern Hemisphere echoes this article. This makes sense, given the meanings behind each tradition, and the fact that they correlate with their counterparts in the year. I will go more into this but, being at work, I have little time at the moment.

For now, there is a brief answer to a question in life, or something close to it.

Yule

2007-12-19T13:57:00.000-05:00

Erin posted that she was feeling peace this Christmas season. It was a nice post, and one whose sentiments I can usually echo in my own way at this time of year. Not the case this year.

The fact is that I have an internal struggle born of a loving gesture that I am having difficulty sorting out. You see my mother has encouraged the entire family to acknowledge Yule this year. At least in respect to the fact that it is the holiday that I celebrate. Everybody has jumped right on board with this idea. Thinking that since I celebrate Christmas with the family every year, the least they can do is give a token acknowledgement in return. Even I am mostly cool with this idea. Mostly.

You see, the whole family is planning on giving me the bulk of my gifts three days before Christmas. Take note kids. Become Pagan and get your toys quicker. Its good for adults too, find out what you got for the holidays so you know how much to spend in return.

Seriously, though, I have been wrestling with several issues with this. One of them being the concept that as it has been orchestrated for this year, each of our family members will be receiving gifts on their particular holiday. Receiving gifts. On these two holidays of giving, we will all be receiving our gifts on the right day, and giving on the other one.

I had thought for a moment that this was a great idea, then began wondering if it was in fact a sign of losing sight of the intention of the season. Re-orchestratring when it is that you got a bunch of gifts you didn't earn. This led me to an even greater horror, confirmed by talks of family dinner and gathering together on the Saturday in question.

This year, the Solstice wouldn't just be another day like in years past to my family. It wasn't going to be a ten minute gathering with my parents and my wife each giving me a gift when I came home from working late. A surprise, since I would have bet the former hadn't known what date it was. This was going to be a full blown holiday style family gathering/event.

Why is this bad? Isn't this what the season is about? Well, yes, it is. However, I have always taken advantage of the fact that nobody notices Yule, nobody gathers or makes it any big deal, and there isn't this huge commercial thing going on around it. It is just a quiet day where I can reflect on the year, I can pray, and focus on the year to come. I could set goals and measure how well I met the previous year's goals. It has been a peaceful, solitary, spiritual day.

I can't help but wonder if that might be lost in the craziness of a holiday now noticed. If we will simply be turning Christmas with our family into a week long event. I wonder if Yule will be one more day that was once a private time between the Goddess and I in which She will slowly fade out of the picture.

Of course, none of the family's plans for this year will cause any of that. It was merely the catalyst for the thought process. Still, it is a thing to think about for me this season. In all of the craziness and all of the points on our holiday itineraries, I need to make it a point to remember what this season is about. Then I will return to a holiday version of life, or something close to it.

Phone Numbers

2007-12-07T13:38:00.000-05:00

For those of you who find yourself posed with the question of what your phone number is at some point, and space for a moment on what it is, don't worry. This in and of itself is not a reason for self termination. We all space on things at times. However, when this happens, there are certain things you shouldn't do. One in particular comes to mind now.

Don't tell the person you are speaking to that you can't recall because you never call yourself. This is not witty. Thousands of people say it, and what it communicates is that you shouldn't be allowed to speak to people unsupervised.

I know my phone number, and I never recall calling myself. If calling yourself was a prerequisite for knowing your phone number, only a few lunatics would be able to answer the question, and thus only a few lunatics would be getting phone calls from others.

The general intelligent public knows their phone number because they commit it to memory. You learn this practice when you are a child. If it is a new number, right it down. Carry it somewhere where it is easy to find. If you don't have that available, tell me that it is a new number and you are looking for where it is written, or that you have short term memory loss, or monkeys keep changing the damn thing. Don't tell me that you never call yourself. Calling yourself regularly would be crazy. Only crazy people announce unprovoked that they aren't crazy.

That is all. Return now to your regularly scheduled life, or something close to it.

7 Random Weird Things

2007-11-28T01:25:00.000-05:00

I was tagged (sort of) by Erin for this, so here goes. (With the necessary disclaimer to MC that I merely copied the name of this thing, and haven't really compromised in the good fight.)

The necessary rules:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged.

1. I have music on my MP3 player in seven different languages. I only speak one of them fluently, and probably wouldn't die if left only with the use of one of the other six.

2. I know every word of every song on one of the cds that some of that music comes from, despite not speaking that language, and regularly sing along.

3. I have been known to get extremely annoyed with and sarcastic to people who misuse the word "random." (I am usually rather indifferent to other misused words, although the song "Ironic" annoys me.)

4. I created a fictional character in high school that I entered into several pen-pal correspondences as with real people (I think). This character still corresponds with several people because she doesn't know how to tell them she isn't real without hurting their feelings.

5. I applied to one college, because they were one of the foremost colleges for funeral sciences and also had a decent fashion design school. I had planned to pursue both. When accepted, I enlisted in the Air Force instead.

6. I once set my arm and my porch on fire with a flaming shot, and succesfully put the fire out on the porch with out putting my arm out or recalling that it was on fire.

7. I have been known to sit and look at my arms and try to remember what they looked like without tattoos on them. (Not that I regret the tattoos, I just wish I could remember.)

In true keeping with rule number 4, I will go back to the main page and tag 7 random people the best way I can, by clicking on links of people who recently posted. Those people are:

Monica and Adam
48
The Painful Happenings
Birth Of The Cool
Rescued Me
The Convergence Of Science And Religion
Cookies And Cats

I will note that I am not necessarily promoting any of these blogs, as I am not at all familiar with them. (Look up the actual definition of random if you aren't getting the idea here.)

So there are seven weird things about my life, or something close to it.

A Note To Emily

2007-11-16T03:21:00.000-05:00

Emily - Yesterday I yelled at you. You were trying to remove the plug-in air sanitizer from its socket. I know what you were trying to do, and why. It was in your way, in your attempt to squeeze into the corner to retrieve a toy. You are so bright, and I am amazed that it occurred to you to take this simple route to solve your problem. I have also noted your intelligence well enough to recognize what you were doing even as you reached for it. So I yelled.

Why did I have to yell? Because you are two years old and you have figured out that when I say no, you can ignore me. I can get loud, and sound vicious when I do. Adults have backed down from that tone in my voice, and since you have never heard it before, it is no surprise that you did too. This was my intention.

The result was also predictable, yet foreign thus far to me. Yes, you did stop, as I expected. You also began to cry. An understandable reaction to me scaring you. You should know that this had an equally strong impact on me. Seeing you crying and knowing that it was because I scared you, I who am supposed to be someone safe and reassuring, tore at my heart. I wanted to scoop you up and make it all right again. I tried, and was torn even more when you fled from me to your mother's arms.

This is the pain of a father. A pain that will repeat itself. Particularly when the tears of a confused and frightened toddler turn into the coherent phrase "I hate you." I would like nothing more than to never inspire that reaction from you. As your father, bound by heart and duty to protect you, I will say with all certainty that I will elicit that phrase from you more than once.

It is my job to be feared and hated at times by you, because like it or not, I will know better than you for a while yet. It is my job to use that to make sure you grow to your full potential. So you will not touch the stove again, you will not play with things that are a danger to you, or do things that are a danger to you (the last two tempered by your true understanding of the consequences) and you will do your homework and fulfill your responsibilities in life. You will also hate me for insuring this.

I have made a promise to you, even as you now sleep, on this night. I am willing to suffer that pain you have the unique power of causing me, and sacrifice the years as your buddy that I could have, on the hope that when you are the age that I am now and you read this you will know that, while everyone knows I am an asshole, in this regard that asshole made you who you are today. A person who, if I am enough of an asshole, will be much better off than I was when I wrote this.

I could be your best buddy, and I will try to be so as much as possible. However, I would do you a great injustice to sacrifice you in order to do so. So I sacrifice myself now, to the torture of the tears and "I hate you" declarations that are sure to come, in the hopes of that one moment when you look back on those years and realize that it really was all about you. One thank you when you realize that will erase the pain of the intervening years. Even without that thank you, seeing you make yourself into something will certainly do the trick.

Know that I love you. Know that the pain I cause will never be greater than the pain I am trying to protect you from. I will do all that is humanly possible to protect you, including teaching you to protect yourself.

The rest will just be life, or something close to it.

Samhain

2007-11-05T23:12:00.000-05:00

Other than my complaint about not getting to listen to the preachers again this year, I haven't commented much on Samhain. (Not even to cop out like I did last year by linking to the article from the year before.) I fully planned on commenting on it, as for various reasons Samhain was going to be more notable this year than for several years past. In that presumption I turned out to be somewhat correct.

There were two reasons that I expected this to be a notable Samhain. First, being a celebration of honor and remembrance of the recently departed, the loss of one of the most important people in my life this year was certainly going to come into play. As of yet, I have not celebrated a Samhain in which such an important person was central in my personal celebration. I wasn't sure if this was going to make for a good night or not.

The second notable reason was the fact that a Wiccan friend of mine would be coming with her family. It has been several years since I have practiced any Samhain celebration with others who had their own religious/spiritual attachment to the celebration. Our two families had a wonderful time on Lughnassadh, and I imagined that this too would be a quite enjoyable experience.

These were the thoughts if things didn't go wrong. Now I will move on to the realities of my Samhain preparation and celebration. The day before Samhain, while at work, I gave my Wiccan friend my cell phone number again, in case she had misplaced it. I told her that I fully expected plans to be changed many times over the course of the following day, and I would just appreciate it if she updated me when they did, since she had no cell phone (and would be moving from house to house several times during the day) and I would probably be incapable of calling and checking in with her.

The morning of Samhain, I got up much earlier than any mortal should be waking (like 10am or so) and went to work on preparing the house for guests. You see, for those of you who don't know me, how the hell did you end up here? Oh, wait, that wasn't what I was going to say. For those of you who don't know me, I live in a house full of working adults, a 2 yrd old and a destructive little four legged monster that is supposedly a dog. In short, when we entertain, it requires some serious housework to make the place as presentable as possible. We make up for the fact that the place gets cluttered through daily life by making everything shine (including the carpets) when we have guests.

So that early hour had me scrubbing the bathroom from ceiling to floor, just like uncle sam taught me. It had us doing every scrap of laundry in the house. It had every surface sparkling and every one of the kids toys put away. (The latter was an endlessly repeated chore.) We prepared things for the spiritual and casual sides of the celebration, got as much to be "just so" as possible and headed out to the changeling's birthday party.

After her birthday party, I took off while they were taking the kids trick or treating, and my sister and I made final preparations and waited.

That last word is the most important part. Because we did a lot of it. The expected arrival time if nothing changed (remember the phone call I was receiving if it did?) was 6:30p. Messages were left at their home at 8:30p. We finally decided to begin our own miniature celebration at 9:30p. We never heard, and they never showed.

I have worked with this friend of mine and her boyfriend several times since then. I am too professional to say anything to them in the work setting. Neither side has brought it up at all.

So the celebration was noteworthy. Not in the way I celebrated, as it was basically a solitary event as it has been in years past. It was noteworthy because out of all of the various egocentric folks I have known along the path I have walked (and there have been a few) I have never been so directly disrespected as that. I don't ever remember being so angry following Samhain at any other point in my life. There is only one reason I can't say it was ruined by my attempt to reach out to these disrespectful people. Because it was for me, basically a day for Jamesomeone, and as far as he was concerned I couldn't have helped but hear him telling me to let it go. I don't think I can just let it go. As I have said before, forgiveness isn't my thing. But for that night, I could hear him as if he was right there, telling me that this disrespect to him wasn't that important. It's what he would have said. He would have been wrong, but it is what he would have said. For that, perhaps I owe them something. Other than a good swift kick in the ass. But lets take care of first things first.

Thus concludes my Samhain tirade. Feel free to return to your life, or something close to it.

Halloween On The Airwaves

2007-10-28T10:53:00.000-04:00

This is the time of year when I really miss having a car and being able to drive. Generally I get by alright with public transportation and the occasional ride from friends and family, but the bus and other people's cars don't afford me access to the am radio. My portable mp3 player sadly only plays fm. I have fond memories of driving around (as I worked several jobs that had me in my car for long periods of time) listening to the various christian stations and focusing on the preachers. I would do this from time to time anyway, but around Samhain it got really fun. Preacher after preacher listing the dangers of halloween, the dangers of witchcraft, and just generally warning their followers to hide under their beds with their lights off until the devil's night was over. I loved listening to that crap. Some of those preachers would have me laughing so hard that I had tears in my eyes. It was better than Pat Robertson's "War On Christmas" garbage, and unlike the latter, we get it every year.

Don't get me wrong. There was a point when this kind of thing annoyed the hell out of me. A point where I wanted to correct every one of the false and/or misleading statements that they were making about who we are, what we do, and what this celebration is about. But as I developed in my own faith, I realized what a pointless gesture this would be. How futile it would have been to do so at an earlier point when I didn't have the knowledge I needed to really get into such a conversation anyway. With the increase in knowledge of both sides, and an increase in maturity, the present state began to emerge. I saw what these preachers were really doing. Entertaining. Some of these guys are hilarious. It's very Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall. "If you believe these things, you might be an idiot."

The only small problem with that is that so many people who listen to these preachers are. No insult intended to any christians who read this, but many of you are familiar with the kind of folks who just sit there and wait patiently for the priest or preacher to tell them what to think today. Frankly, that is the mindset that is necessary to believe a lot of the garbage they spew out on such pet topics as Halloween.

Think about it. Think about the inherent dangers to a child's body and soul if they dress up like a doctor and go out and enjoy themselves, supervised by an adult, and interacting with the other folks from the neighborhood. Socializing and having fun are both undoubtedly the works of the devil. Of course it isn't ever the children having fun that gets attacked. Even the best of preachers lose some backing if they come right out and say that they don't want your kids to enjoy themselves. That and they might have a hard time explaining why they thought Snickers was the name of one of the lesser demons.

Instead they attack the "roots" of this holiday. They attack what we Pagans do and believe on this holiday. This is where the whole thing really gets fun. Why? Well I plan on telling you. First of all, some of the claims that they make about our beliefs and traditions are absurd, or poorly constructed scare tactics. Second, this has nothing to do with the trick-or-treaters. Do I plan to perform various rituals and celebrations on Samhain? You bet. These things will go on a little later in the evening when I won't be disturbed by the trick-or-treaters. The preparations will undoubtedly be interrupted frequently by the doorbell though. You know what? This isn't going to hurt the kids either. They won't even know, and I don't radiate demonic energy. If I did, I doubt it would only be on one night a year, restricted in efficacy to minors carrying chocolate.

But there is the talk that somehow you are involved in something evil if you celebrate in any way the holiday that ranks so highly in the esteem of pagans everywhere. The tradition is evil even if you don't know what it means, because of what its source was. This is the part that really taught me to laugh. Sure thing preacher guy, avoid trick or treating because us "evil" folk revere this holiday and may have diabolical reasonings behind this tradition. While on the subject, how do you like that christmas tree, or the wreath and mistletoe? How do your people like the easter bunny, chicks, easter grass? How about the word "easter"?

Yep, definitely gotta start with the innocent fun of children when we clean our spirtual house. Don't let them trick-or-treat. Don't let them hunt for easter eggs. Don't let them trim the tree, or else the devil will get them. Don't let the children do any of those childhood things. Change their very nature. After all, nobody ever said that we should be as children are, did they?

Or perhaps we should recognize that a child's harmless fun is a child's harmless fun and let them get on with it. Let them get on with it, but please keep complaining about it on the radio. After all, it brightens up my life, or something close to it.

A White Wolf Describes His Spiritual Position

2007-10-22T15:38:00.000-04:00

I was asked for a brief description of my spiritual beliefs to attach to a post about a topic I started here that will be presented on another blog. (See Thoughts on Prayer post) My response turned out to not be too brief, so I decided to post it instead.

My spiritual path is in fact precisely that. Mine. That is not a "back off" or "mind your own business" statement. Just simply pointing out that the path of the White Wolf at this point has a population of one. Pagan is a term that I quite often use for myself. It is accurate, if not complete. For simplicity's sake I have referred to myself as "basically Wiccan". It gives a more complete picture to those who know the Wiccan faith, but in many ways it is not accurate.

To remove the pretty titles and phrases that strike a chord with people who are familiar with them, I would say the simplest description of myself would be a Goddess worshipper. An arrogantly monotheistic one at that. Somewhat unusual amongst Pagans, but this does not cause me to be aggressive with other religions since I hold to the belief that all of the "gods" that are being worshipped by others are actually manifestations of Herself, and that She doesn't care all that much what people think Her name is.

The Pagan part applies, since mine is an earth based religion. The "basically Wiccan" part applies because nearly all of their spiritual tenets do coincide with what the Goddess Herself has told me. It is just some of their practices I don't share. (With no insult intended to those who do.) Goddess worship fairly applies, although I don't always respond to Her in such a worshipful tone as evidenced in my Mother posts.

So those three terms would probably cover it well enough for a short reference to me. The remaining paragraphs come closer to the question at least, if not the answer. I would love to package it better, but it certainly isn't a simple subject. And that's just life, or something close to it.

Sometimes The World Really Does Hate You

2007-10-14T17:29:00.000-04:00

In the past two days I have managed to tear a fingernail almost completely off and to burn my eyeball. Both doing perfectly innocent things, both times being caught completely off guard. As such, having come to the conclusion that for the moment the world has decided it doesn't like me, I got to wondering about the whole Karma thing. Kind of the metaphysical side of the equal and opposite reaction theory. Not seriously working myself up on it, mind you, just batting it around. Wondering if perhaps the last two days were the payment for some serious wrong I have done in the recent past, of which I am unaware, and if there might perhaps be more to come. Or perhaps it is the setup for something good to happen. Basically, I am wondering if I should expect to get hit in the crotch by a runaway tire on my walk to the bus stop, or some lovely little bit of luck. I wonder if we are playing poker tonight? That would be a good place for one of the above options to happen. (Although I don't know where the tire would come from.)
Just some idle thoughts to pass the last few minutes on the clock before I am free to resume my normal life, or something close to it.

Thoughts On Prayer

2007-10-07T15:18:00.001-04:00

A few months ago, a friend of mine was preparing to undergo surgery, and she called upon all of her friends to pray for her during this ordeal. I was included on that list at the time, and I must admit that it raised some rather interesting questions for me. This woman is a Christian. One with whom I have debated theology with on occasion. She has made it clear that she is of the opinion that the Goddess that I speak of and speak to is really the devil, or some demon working for him to ensnare my soul. (I don't know whether that is a step up or down from those who believe she is a figment of my imagination.) I don't take offense to this opinion of hers. She has the right to it. It does make me wonder, though, in conjunction with the above indicated prayer request.

I did bring up to her the fact that she has declared that the one that I pray to is an evil force, and as such, praying to Her would seemingly be something that would not be in her best interest if she is correct. Not that I am trying to be an ass, nor was I attempting to kick her while she was down. I just wanted to ascertain her actual position on the subject, and I still marvel at the thought process, and her response when I brought it up.

Why would you request that someone intercede with your god's adversary to assist you? Wouldn't that come kind of close to making a deal with the devil yourself? Wouldn't asking me to pray to my Goddess on her behalf be the same as her doing so for herself? So if She is who my friend says she is, wouldn't this be kind of crossing the line?

Of course I understand that making too much of this issue leaves me walking a fine line myself. After all, I am not looking to increase the tensions between pagans and christians, but in this case I wanted to verify. I have had people get angry with me in the past for praying for them.
To paraphrase the response she gave, that I don't have in front of me right now, she indicated that it was not an issue of who I was praying to, but who was listening. Of course, this concept blew me away. Not because I find huge flaws in it, but because I would presume she and many others would.

It presents the concept that if the christians are right about their one true god, it doesn't matter who I pray to, or what name I use, their god will respond or not the same anyway. Didn't one of my "Mother" posts have the Goddess saying the exact same, and drawing criticism from some of the christians?

What purpose does even focusing on your god's name or attributes have if there is just some big spiritual scanner picking up all the prayers anyway? Of course it isn't that simple either, but my point is that this seems an oddly un-Christian perspective. I will leave it at that. I wasn't actually intending to attack her. I was taking a look at a point that I kept thinking warranted further speculation, but now that I have brought it up I realize I didn't delve into it too far up to this point because right below the surface I had covered this already. The real surprise was having one of my opponents in some regards avow a position she herself had argued earlier.
Still, since I opened it up, I suppose any of you who still come around here can bat any aspect therein around if you so choose. Or don't. Either way, I have to get back to my life, or something close to it.

Saturday Afternoon Stroll

2007-09-30T15:42:00.000-04:00

MC and I were at a rally in Syracuse yesterday to protest the war in Iraq and demand that our troops be brought home immediately. About 3,000 people turned up for the rally. About 1,000 more than the optimistic end of the event organizers' predictions. About 2,500 more than my most optimistic prediction. It was pretty encouraging to see that many people turn up. Good to see that more and more people are getting behind the position that our soldiers are over there bleeding and dying for no reason. Beyond being of similar opinion, caring enough to get out there and say something. These events are likely to continually be growing as long as our soldiers keep coming home in boxes. Turn outs like this, and the growing trend are seen by many as encouraging. In truth, to some extent they are. Unfortunately I can't hold out the same kind of optimistic hope that some of the other folks there were conveying.

You see, there are certain points when the democratic process fails. One of those points is the one that we find ourselves circling now. That being the fact that the theory that our politicians, including the President of the United States, are bound to follow the will of the people. Of course, a president who wants to get re-elected doesn't want to piss off the majority of the people. However, the two term limit actually gives a president an incredible amount of power. He can't be re-elected, and he is in power. That means he doesn't actually have to care what we think on this issue.

The only ones who do have to care are those representatives of ours that don't have term limits. The ones that have to continue to appease their constituents. They have to continue to care, or pretend they do. It is a nice little checks and balances theory, but in order to override the president's actions that are against the will of the people, they have to know that this is the overwhelming will of the people. Then they need to be willing to put aside differences of opinion or agenda to get that will done. In short, it is an uphill battle that requires us to not only stand as we did yesterday, but to battle the apathy of others.

You see, it is easy for the I.V.A.W. to stand up there. They've been there. They know exactly what we are talking about. It is easy for the other veterans to get up there, because combat veterans or not, we understand the difference between being willing to fight and even die for your country, and willing to be thrown away by that country. Soldiers are not expendable, and in the case of a conflict you cannot win, they can't even be considered acceptable losses. It is easy for the family members to get up there, because they know the agony of waiting for that phone call that will tell them that their loved one will be returning draped with a flag. Even easier for those who have already gotten the call to have a reason why they don't want anyone else to go through the same.

The battle is with the apathetic. The people who don't think the issue touches them. Who can't be swayed with simple facts like the huge war debt that will come out of their pockets. Can't be swayed by the huge death toll. They simply can't be lifted off of their couches to help. This is the hardest battle. The battle against people who don't care. Who won't care until this thing gets large enough that the destruction does actually touch them directly. After all, this is sadly how this rally got to be so large. Because each passing day leads to this war effecting more and more people directly.

So the two of us went out. We went out expecting the event to be much smaller than it was. Expecting that in the grand scheme of things, this event wouldn't be noticed. Why was it so much larger? Because in ones and twos so many other people did the same thing. They risked taking a course of action that would be insignificant and unnoticed because it couldn't accomplish any less than doing nothing would. They did something because they felt they have to.

I would propose that you folks should consider that for yourselves. This isn't even one of those issue where we will find ourselves divided by ideology or religion. Our soldiers are being discarded in an unwinnable action. Our tax dollars are paying for that sacrifice.

I'm not going to ask you to act. Just to think about the question. To ask yourself how high you rate this issue. Then act according to your answer.

As for me I agree with many of the signs I saw yesterday. One of the more poignant simply said: Not one more dollar, Not one more death, Not one more day.

That's just my thought on helping to preserve life, or something close to it.

Dearth of Wanderer posts

2007-08-11T07:55:00.000-04:00

I know he alleges he has other responsibilities besides entertaining me, but I still maintain that his priorities are totally fekakta.

So, to combat this dearth of posts, I have an idea. My writing bores people anyhow, so I suggest a competition between Wanderer and myself. Each week, or whenever, we would challenge each other by throwing out a difficult or touchy question, and the recipient would be tasked with providing a reaction. For instance, I might say "Overcrowding is clearly a problem, yet people (especially Catholics) procreate irresponsibly and react negatively to being told so. Where is the happy medium between intelligent population control, and civil liberty?" and Wanderer'd have to figure something out.

Or, maybe it'd be personal. Like, "Mc, you claim to be a great poker player yet you've gone broke every time you've made a run at it. Are you some sort of delusional douchebag?" or such. Or, perhaps if anyone ever reads either of us anymore, there might be questions/topics from you.

That's my proposal. Hopefully I will hear from Wanderer soon.

Blog Rating

2007-07-13T15:04:00.000-04:00

Mingle² - Online Dating

This rating was due to the fact that my blog contains the words: pain (8x) death (3x) fuck (2x) and sex (1x).

The words! First off, only one of those words can't be said on public radio. Looking at the rest of them, we have some serious R-Rated news every day. Also, people under the age of 17 should be protected from the realities of pain and death in society, and 1 yr from being legal, they shouldn't know about sex either.

I know this is one of those goofy badge things, but the pain and death comments in particular were part of legitemate conversations about the loss of a loved one. This thing goes and looks for words. I don't think pain and death are ones it should be looking for.

That's just my thought on this silly little blog thing. Feel free to continue on to my other post from today directly following this one, or return to your life, or something close to it.

Prosperity

2007-07-13T14:44:00.000-04:00

I have spent my entire life just scraping by in regards to money. One of the lessons I have learned along the way is that this is a relative term, as time has led to me making significantly less money now than when I was "just scraping by" in the past. If I lived as close to the vest as I do now back then, I would be in a whole different financial picture now.

I know a number of people who make more money than I do who are "just scraping by." Everyone I know says money is tight. When we get more money, we acquire larger debts, get bigger things that we want. The larger mortgage gives the same hit to the larger paycheck as the smaller one does to the smaller paycheck, and everyone has some toy, vacation, something that they just want to scrape the money together to afford some day.

This being the case, when is there enough money? Do we have to look at the top end of it? Do we not have enough money until we are the Trumps of the world and really can afford whatever we want? Or is there something in the middle? Some element along the way that says we are doing alright for ourselves?

Most of the people I know that are fairly well off have a couch in the middle of their living room. (Yes, MC, I know corrolation does not equal causality, but I am going to run with it anyway.) This circumstance is also common on various television shows as well. I have never had a couch in the middle of my living room. I have never had a living room large enough that the couch wouldn't be in the way if it was.

So that it going to be one of my goals. One of my benchmarks. To have a couch in the middle of my living room one day. So I can walk around behind it when my wife is watching television and put my hands on her shoulders. So my daughter can sneak around behind it and jump up and surprise me.

Paying off my debts and having a couch in the middle of the living room will be enough for me for now. Maybe I will look further when I get there.

There is another significant aspect to using this couch as a benchmark, though. As Jamesomeone would have put it, it is all a matter of perspective. How well off I am is largely going to be based on how well off I think I am. As such, I can earn the money to fit the world I try to create, or I can bend my world somewhat around the money I make. After all, I don't need to afford the larger living room to achieve my goal. I could instead opt for a smaller couch. Or I could do as I did today. The debts are still there, but for ten minutes, I was half way to well off.

Then I put my couch back and went on with my life, or something close to it.

Priorities

2007-07-12T17:35:00.000-04:00

A fight broke out on a lawn up the street several weeks ago at about 11pm. The police were called. I saw the cops swing by for a moment around 3am, after the neighborhood had long since policed itself.

A woman smashed a lamp on the hood of another person's SUV and that person called the police. 8am the following day the police came around to ask me what I knew about the altercation.

A dog attacked my father and his dog around 5pm yesterday. I had to chase it away multiple times until my father finally got his dog home. During this time the dog also bit someone who called the police. When they showed up around 10, nobody knew where the dog was.

The kids in the neighborhood play basketball in the street, using a hoop that sits against the curb. When cars come, the kids get out of the way and let them pass. A driver today stopped even though they were out of his way and yelled at the kids who told him to get a life. The cops showed up within the hour to deal with this neighborhood menace.

It kinda has me confused about the priorities in life, or something close to it.

A Mother's Words On Loss

2007-05-20T19:04:00.000-04:00

I stood in the darkness of the new moon, in the middle of the cemetery. I saw many graves belonging to countless strangers from several centuries, but I could not see his. It wasn't that I didn't know where it was. I stood less than twenty feet away from it. I could pick up a pinecone and throw it, knowing it would land on his grave. Not that I could visually confirm it. It was as if a veil stood between my mind and that sight.

So I stood and stared at nothing, and tried to wrap my mind around it, around him. So many things went through my mind, but in my present melancholy, one thing stood out. It was the way he would rest a comforting hand on your shoulder, and with that wordless gesture tell you that he empathized. That he was there for you. That in any way he had control over he would make it better.

As had happened a number of times, I felt like I could almost feel his hand now. I realized that I could in fact feel a hand, but it wasn't his. It was heavier and more feminine than his.

I turned to see Her standing a few paces away. She was robed in black, Her face obscured by shadows of her own making. "And this, then, is your perception of me? That I am heavy handed?" She asked.

"At the moment, could you blame me?" I asked.

"Come." She commanded, turning and walking through the cemetery.

I followed Her and the scenery around me changed. I recognized the mausoleums at Holy Sepulchre, even as they faded out of existence, to be replaced by the hills of Mt. Hope cemetery. These gave way to Gettysburg, then Arlington and beyond.

The changing scenery made it difficult to keep my balance. The ground that I was walking on didn't shift, on the contrary, the scenery lined itself up around us. The constant changes were just so dizzying that walking in a straight line was nearly imposssible.

"Keep your focus on me." She said. "It will help keep you from being disoriented."

"Is that supposed to be a suggestion for right now or a life lesson?" I asked.

"Since you are alive now, why wouldn't it be both?" She asked. She had stopped and I was looking at field. "There are dead here as well." She answered the question before I asked.

"So why are we fixating on the dead?" I asked Her. "Can't we go somewhere where death is not the focus?"

"The focus is yours, not mine." She answered. "But close your eyes and I will offer an alternative."

I closed my eyes and felt the temperature and humidity change immediately. There was no breeze anymore, and even through closed eyes I noticed that the lighting had changed. Opening my eyes again I saw that we were in the grotto.

"One of the only places you have been that death has never touched." She explained.

She walked up to the altar that I had seen Her lie on in the past, then turned and sat on a throne of stone that hadn't been there when She began the motion.

"The loss troubles you." She said, the compassion evident on Her beautiful face as it came out of the shadows. "Much more than the last one we discussed."

"I was not prepared for this much pain." I admitted.

"Because one was an acquaintance. Someone close to a friend of yours. The other was a man whom you loved." She explained the obvious to me.

"How long will this pain last before it goes away?" I asked Her.

"Do you really want it to?" She asked in return.

"Of course. No. I don't know." I sat down on the ground and looked at Her. I was confused. She had the answers. I would wait for Her this time.

"This loss is painful. A type of pain that is not only great, but something to which you are completely unaccustomed." I simply nodded my agreement. She leaned forward and met my eyes with that piercing gaze of Hers. "The pain is so great that you would give anything to make it go away, but you fear that should the pain go, you would be insulting his memory or worse, would forget him entirely."

"That's about it in a nutshell." I replied. "So which is it to be?"

The image of a church superimposed itself over the grotto, so I could see hints of the latter under the former. The church layout was such that I sat in front of the steps leading to the altar, looking forward at the casket. She sat at the foot of the casket. We both stood, and I got the impression that the throne vanished, but it was hard to tell with this double exposure.

As She walked past the casket towards me, She said, "This is not the whole story." She pointed over my shoulder and I could see the casket disappearing in my peripheral vision even as I found myself staring at my own back. My other self was kneeling next to my wife. (Or to be accurate to the timing of the imagery, the woman who would be my wife when this ceremony ended.) She stepped up next to the priest and pointed toward the first pew.

There he stood, next to MC. Both appearing ditinctly uncomfortable from the tuxes and the length of the boring ceremony. (The video I have even catches Martha yawning.)

"You see, you've already imprinted him into your heart and your soul." She said. MC faded into the background with everyone else as dozens of scenes from the reception involving my lost friend played around the image of him from the church. "You could not forget him if you tried."

More scenes began adding themselves to those already playing in the grotto, as they began overlapping each other in a sort of ethereal "this is his life" episode.

"So will the pain go away, or at least fade?" I asked Her, overwhelmed by my memories being played out for me.

"I am afraid that is not likely." She responded. With a wave of Her hand, the scenes stopped, leaving us alone again. "But the frequency of it will go away. You will remember many of those stories fondly. The pain that will come and go with some of these memories will become a part of your life, like your knee pain, or the ache from your broken arm. It will just be what is."

"That doesn't sound like a very optimistic prediction." I pointed out.

"It is not a pessimistic, or dour one." She replied. "But this you will learn on your own in time."

I stared over at the water. "What do I do in the mean time?"

"Continue to love." She said, as several people appeared in front of me. "Continue to care." My family and close friend appeared with the others. "Continue to live." The images began pouring in now, one after another. Person after person, each one recognizable by face if the names didn't come to me. Thousands of people and scenes from my life pouring out so quickly that I only got glimpses.

"Take care of those important to you." She said, gesturing to the side where the first two groups were alone once more. "And take care of one whom you so often neglect who is important to me." Following Her pointing finger I saw my own reflection in the water.

Looking at myself in the water, I remembered the question I had been planning to ask Her. Turning I found Her standing directly in front of me. Her beauty glaring, nearly blinding me. I fumbled for the words. Then, with a smile, something seemed to fade, and She was merely gorgeous. "This is not the time, dear wolf." She said.

Brushing this comment aside, I asked. "Are we a failed experiment?"

"This is not the time." She repeated. She leaned in and took my head in Her hands. "Rest your mind for the moment." She whispered, laying Her lips to my forehead.

And for a moment, I did.

Gomenasai

2007-05-10T12:34:00.000-04:00

Some of you folks knew him as Jamesomeone. Some of you knew him by name. Some just in passing. Most of you have the misfortune of not knowing him at all. As of April 28, 2007, those of you who never had the opportunity missed your last chance to be blessed by knowing him.

My memories don't go back far enough to not include him. He was my friend for most of my life. He was the best man at my wedding. He was a brother to me. Now I am left holding onto emptiness and thinking of so many ways that I might have failed him.

He was always so impressed by the intelligence MC and I possessed. He would frequently comment on how much more intelligent I was. About how it sometimes took him a considerable amount of time to catch up to what we were talking about. Not wanting to be patronizing, I told him that he was right. I told him that the paperwork stated that MC and I were, in theory, more intelligent than 98% of the population, so he was in good company. Now I wonder if I should have lied and disagreed with him. I pointed out that methodically and at his own pace he always caught up. That he was the storehouse for tons of knowledge that I knew nothing about. That this helped us as a team, with his wealth of knowledge and my quick little brain, we accomplished all sorts of things. Apparently this wasn't enough.

He used to praise all sorts of accomplishments I had made. Things that I gave little credit to. Things he gave too much credit to. My ego would get in the way of beating him over the head with the obvious facts that belittled my accomplishments. A band we were both fans of sings parts of several songs on their english album in russian. I used to (and still do) listen to all of the russian versions of the songs more frequently. They just sound more natural that way. As such, we would ride around in his Saturn and I would sing along with the songs, and he would be amazed that I sang right along with the russian lyrics. It didn't matter to him that I could do so because I listened to the songs every day, and at parts was simply emulating the sound. It didn't matter to him that the translations of the songs were available on the internet. At one point he commented that it was cool that I knew all the words and I learned them from listening to the songs. It wasn't until a later conversation that I realized he thought I taught myself the language by repeatedly listening to the russian versions of the songs, forgetting that I actually had studied the language briefly, and all of the above reasons.

I couldn't break him of thinking that I was somehow better than him. That I was something to be looked up to. I couldn't get him to realize that he was so much better than I was. That he was someone I looked up to.

He was the one who always inspired me to be a better human being. His giving nature, his work for the community. His history as an Eagle Scout, habitat for humanity volunteer, volunteer fireman, and life guard at several different installations just amazed me. I couldn't see how one person could have that much to give. Even before friends and family were brought into the picture. Perhaps one person can't. Perhaps that is what happened.

There isn't a place I can go that isn't touched by a memory of him. He is in my MP3 player, since half of the songs on it were of bands I got him into or vice versa. He comes to mind when I am watching television, or listening to conversations on the bus. I can't go anywhere without the risk of this hole suddenly ripping itself open again.

I can't help but feel that I failed him. There had to have been something I could have done. Something I could have seen if I just paid a little more attention. I just stare at my hands and feel as empty as they are.

On April 28, 2007, he took the last train for the coast. Two days later a phone call brought to a screeching halt my life, or something close to it.

The Voice

2007-03-29T16:57:00.000-04:00

I hear your voice on the wind
And I hear you call out my name

Listen my child you say to me
I am the voice of your history
Be not afraid - come follow me
Answer my call and I’ll set you free

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you
I am the voice - I will remain

I am the voice in the fields when the Summer’s gone
The dance of the leaves when the Autumn winds blow
Never do I sleep throughout all the cold Winter long
I am the force that in Springtime will grow

I am the voice of the past that will always be
Filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields
I am the voice of the future
Bring me your peace, bring me your peace
And my wounds they will heal

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you
I am the voice

I am the voice of the past that will always be
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice of the future
I am the voice

- The Voice by Celtic Woman

I recently heard this song performed by them in concert, and have since picked up the CD with this song on it to put it on my MP3 player. I won't claim to know the author's state of mind in writing it, and I know others would claim The Voice that was calling was a different source then I would take it as. It is still a beautiful song. Moreso if you hear them sing it.

There are many topics that I have intended to address that are backing up since I have not been able to find time to post them. Perhaps later today I will have more time. I suspect if things continue to be as they have been that there may be extended periods in which I don't have time to post, followed by days where I include several posts. Sorry for the inconvenience to any of you who still bother to come around here. You may return now to your regularly scheduled life, or something close to it.

The Storm Moon

2007-03-03T15:19:00.000-05:00

The Storm Moon will rise over Rochester, NY at 5:56pm EST. It becomes full at 6:17pm EST and becomes fully eclipsed at 6:22pm EST. It will set at 6:58 am EST on March 4th.

It rises over Farmington, NM at 6:09 pm MST (Having become full at 4:17pm MST) and will set at 6:59am MST on March 4th. The eclipse should only be visible in Eastern North America.

The Storm moon comes at a time when there is a significant changing of the seasons again. The last storms of winter come through and make way for spring. While spring is often thought of as a gentle time, spring has storms of its own. We know more now about the differing pressure systems and their impacts on each other as the seasons change, but there was a time where such knowledge wasn't so technical. It was just known that around the time of this moon, the storms that came with the changing of the seasons could be expected. This moon was also known as the Worm Moon, for similar reasons, as these storms softened the land and the worms returned, at least visibly so.

The eclipse is a particularly prominent occurrence to those who who give credence to the power of the moon, and lunar enchantments are said to be particularly powerful at this time. The reason being that in the course of the moon's shadow crossing the earth, the moon gives the appearance of going through all phases in a single day. A matter of hours in fact.

The next new moon will be March 18th at 10:42 pm EST. 9 minutes after a partial eclipse of the sun that will be visible only in Alaska.
The next full moon (The Wind Moon) will be April 2nd at 1:15pm.
The next Sabatt will be Ostara on March 20th.

There is your solar, lunar and holiday update for this month. You may return to your life, or something close to it.

Template Change

2007-02-15T20:32:00.000-05:00

There is a lengthy post to follow that I would nevertheless encourage you all to read. (If I hadn't intended such, I wouldn't have spent the time writing it.)

I have been able to hide no longer. I was finally forced to switch over to the "New Blogger". To those of you who are temporarily unable to post (if the new blogger still has that flaw) due to having the "old blogger" I apologize. You should at least be able to post as a guest, I just ask you to identify yourself.

MC - You are still listed as a member in my settings, but I think my picture resurfacing is due to you not having been switched yet. This may or may not interfere with your ability to post. Please take a moment to test the theory. (Maybe in a day or so, so as to remove the possibility of people missing my lengthy commentary due to multiple posts.)

I guess now that I have been forced into this new blogger I will investigate further to see what new toys it has. According to the publishing page it is "more fun than a box of crayons." If that isn't an overwhelming endorsement, well I guess that is just life, or something close to it.

Athletes And Bigotry

2007-02-15T19:28:00.000-05:00

There is quite a bit of commentary, at least in the sports world, today surrounding some inflammatory anti-gay comments made by a spokesman (now former) for the NBA. I'm at a loss as to how this can be such a big deal in a society that keeps offering up anti-homosexual bills, laws and ammendments, and, more appallingly, passing them. Is it then acceptable to pass laws that actually damage a group of people just as long as you don't say that you don't like them on national television? I'm sorry, but doesn't this seem all ass backwards to any of the rest of you? Granted, his comments don't help, but isn't the bigger issue taking a bit too much of a back seat to one bigot's comments?

Perhaps I am not shocked by one person's comments because I witnessed millions of you acting together in a voice that declared a large group of our brothers and sisters to be subhuman during multiple election years. When millions of you fail your fellow man, or even actively stab them in the back, what's one more voice? Just one voice that will blow over in a week and be forgotten while hundreds of thousands have to deal with the bigotry that has made it on the books. One voice undoubtedly denounced by many of the same hypocrites that either actively helped or passively watched while these atrocities hit the books.

The reality is that he has a right to his opinion, and the right to voice it. I would strongly defend both. Even if I think his comments portray him as an ignorant ass. Even the Ku Klux Klan has the right to express their opinions. We are just sensible enough not to allow them to do it through legislation.

Is this an excessively harsh comparison? Ask the woman who sits helpless as the very decisions that might decide her lifelong partner's life or death are made by doctors who can only legally take the advice of a family that disowned the patient years before. Ask the same woman who watches all of the shared property she had with that partner dispensed by the same family as they see fit, just days after she was barred from the funeral. While she faces all of this, what do you say to her? "It was God's will?" Somehow I suspect this will not cut it. I suspect she would ask, as I myself wonder, how you could worship a god so cruel as to want people to suffer this way.

Before some of you get all defensive about that, bear in mind that I haven't pointed fingers at any religion yet.

I have heard many arguments against gay marriage and several associated rights. The only thing that allows me to retain even a modicum of faith in humanity is the strong belief that so many of you actually fail to see the significance of the issue. The HRC does not call themselves the "Human Rights Campaign" simply because it is a catchy name. It is a human rights issue, and a more significant one than many of you blow it off as being.

This goes beyond a question of who kisses who. At best it is a question of second class citizenship. At worst, as subhuman classification. When you have voted on, or ignored the many referendums and candidate positions on this issue, have any of the following aspects of the issue crossed your mind?

As a legal institution, marriage conveys many basic rights in one package. Example for NY. There are also thousands of Federal laws revolving around rights of spouses.

That refusing marriage rights to homosexuals does in effect make homosexuality illegal? 26 states still have laws against adultery (sex out of wedlock). As such, refusing homosexuals the right to marry means refusing them the right to engage in intimate relationships. Of course, that is what people are trying to do, isn't it?

What puzzles me is why. It would seem cut and dried. If you have a problem with the concept of homosexual relations, don't get involved with them. If you have a problem seeing that homosexuals exist, that is unfortunately your problem, not theirs. Racists don't have a right to enforce any laws keeping other races out of their field of vision.

The reality is that no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, your right to swing your fist ends at the other guys nose. Not approving of an activity does not give you the right, in and of itself, to legislate it away.

But what of the concept that the majority speaks in these bills and laws? It doesn't matter. Yes, in a democratic society, I just said that the majority's opinion doesn't matter. Restriction of the basic rights and equality of an entire group of people, even if everyone else agrees, is against the very principles this nation was founded on.

I did say just because. I point this out because here is where people like to throw out the questions of pedophiles, murderers etc... This is a foolish and uneducated argument. There is obviously a clear cut difference between a relationship between consenting adults, and victimization as is the case in these latter examples.

Now if one group wanted to just step up and say, "give me over one thousand legal rights, otherwise you infringe upon me" it would be stupid. That isn't what I am talking about. I am talking about equality. Out of love I went through the process of marriage. Out of practicality I signed a paper that said that it was legal. This gave me all sorts of rights I would never even think of until and unless I needed them, as it would any other man marrying any other woman. Yet a woman, with the same driving reasons as myself could not sign that paper with another woman.

Why? Because you are squeamish about it? Because it is unnatural? (Biology in regards to animal homosexuality and the basic principles of pheromones and hormones have clearly refuted this.) Because it is against God's will?

That last is between you and your God. Just bear in mind the quote from Senator James Raskin: “People place their hand on the Bible and swear to uphold the Constitution; they don’t put their hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible”.

Marriage has implications both religious and political. These two don't always agree. I know many legally married couples (heterosexual) whose marriages are not recognized by a church. I see no need to do this any different.

This is at the crux of the issue. If you are morally opposed to homosexuality based on your religion, fine. But without political reasons, how can you stand against it politically?

As long as this nation has not formally declared a state religion, we cannot legislate as if it has one. This issue must remain a political one.

I was informed in one conversation on this topic that the reason a person voted against the pro gay marriage candidate was that topic. When asked what impact my cousin's marriage had on her, she not only openly admitted she knew nothing about it, but that she saw no direct impact and wouldn't be likely to. However, it would have a grave social and cultural impact. She couldn't define what that impact was, just that it would exist. This is true, but then she admitted voting, so change alone must not frighten her. After all, women voting made a cultural and social impact. She doesn't seem ready to give that up yet.

Despite some of the realities I lay out here, I know the core is going to be the hard part to change. So many of you have the luxury to look at this issue as just a simple question of sexual ethics. I do not.

Many of you see a flip of a switch at the polls and a point for your side. I see the tears, the anguish, the lives destroyed. Sometimes even lives lost.

As the reports come in, many of you see numbers. I see faces and tears.

How do you sit back and watch, and help the destruction of the lives of your sons and daughters, sisters and brothers and think that your god can be smiling at it?

Those of you who are married will likely lay your heads on your pillows tonight with barely a thought of this post. With no concerns of what horrors might wait around the corner that you haven't thought of and prepared for that will tear your family apart. You will lay your heads down in comfort with the one you love.

I will likely lay there, as I have many times before, rolling my wedding band around my finger and feeling somewhat nauseous at the thought that one gold band and one piece of paper crossed all of the "t's" and dotted all of the "i's" for me in barely a blink. That this was all it took for me to not only be allowed to join my wife's side when she was rushed to the hospital last week, but that is also made my presence an assumed fact.

So sleep well, and go back to ignoring the issue until the next flip of the switch or the next loudmouthed ball player puts a blip on your screen for a moment. That's just life, or something close to it.

Fuck the Colts and fuck Rex Grossman.

2007-02-04T22:19:00.000-05:00

Rex Grossman should be replaced by one of these four bastards:

Imbolc and the Quickening Moon

2007-02-02T14:10:00.000-05:00

The Quickening Moon rose over Rochester, NY at 4:48pm EST on February 1st and became full at 12:46am EST on February 2nd. It set at 7:53am EST.

It rose over Farmington, NM at 5:14pm MST on February 1st, and became full at 10:46pm MST. It set at 7:42am MST on February 2nd.

The Quickening Moon is so named due to the beginning signs of spring. The world is quickening in preparation for the growing season to come.

This year the Quickening Moon coincides with the Sabatt of Imbolc. Often viewed as a celebration of the Goddess Brighid, it is one of the fire festivals, and is a festival of light. It has also been referred to as Candlemas.

This Sabatt operates with similar thoughts in mind to that of the Quickening Moon. The seasons are preparing to change again, and we are further out of the winter season. The days are getting lighter and the weather is preparing to turn. It is too soon for planting, but the beginnings of nature's spring fashion line have begun. This is not a great feasting day. The harsh weather and cold nights are still a factor, and at this point the food supplies would be dwindling. This festival is a time of conservation, even while looking ahead.

Looking ahead is a common factor of Imbolc. It is a time for planning, or scrying. It has been said that on this day the Goddess lends aid to those who are scrying, particularly those using water or crystals to do so.

The next new moon will be February 17th at 11:14am EST.
The next full moon will be the Storm Moon on March 3rd at 6:17pm EST.
The next Sabatt will be Ostara, on March 20th.

There is your lunar and seasonal info for this round. You may now return to your life, or something close to it.

In Case You Didn't Notice, This Post Has No Title

2007-01-26T04:33:00.000-05:00

Following this is the latest "Mother" post. I normally wait days or even weeks between when the "Mother" posts come to me and when I have finished processing them in my mind and putting them out. (There is one other exception, I bet you can find it.) This time I just wrote it out. I haven't even read it myself yet. In truth, I fell asleep at the computer. That half an hour's worth of "sleep" is all that I have had in about 43 hours. I don't plan on going back to it tonight, but when I do, if it has vanished, you will know why.

I have been sitting here listening to my MP3 player in the otherwise quiet house. To give you an idea of my mood, I have been repeating Snake River Conspiracy's "Vulcan" frequently. Four times in a row just now before "A Boy Named Sue" took over just now while I was typing. I didn't search heavily for a link to a demo of "Vulcan" since I figure some of you might follow the link to find out what song I was talking about before reading any disclaimer that it wasn't family friendly.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this (read: those of you who aren't MC) the primary function of this song in being repeated is that it is a hard rock song sung (screamed) by an angry woman. The word "Fuck" screamed out repeatedly in semi-isolation seems to be doing the trick for me.

I learned at the wake, from my friend's boyfriend's son that she is not doing well at all. Something I knew. The details were appreciated, but don't improve the outlook. The waiting game isn't easy.

I am not sure, if I attempted to, I could explain why this is effecting me so. Partially because the part I understand is complicated. Partially because there are parts that I don't.

I am not new to death, wakes, funerals. As a human, I have had my share of experience with these for people I knew. Having worked at a funeral home, and being a minister I have been to a number for those I didn't. The latter were mostly at the behest of my friend who lays in a coma in the hospital. This may have something to do with it. Numerous times I went to the wakes and funerals of people who she knew, or people of the community to be supportive of her. That is, to some extent what I did today.

While I knew him, and had the one resounding fond memory of him, I was there to the greater extent because she couldn't be. Odd, given the fact that if she dies she will never know, and if she survives, the fact that I was there does her no good.

My MP3 player has been messing with me. Or my subconscious mind has. It now has about 150 songs on it, 4 of which are by Shakira. (Yes, MC, I just admitted that.) These four are there due largely to the fact that the Pagan shop I worked at for a while played one of her CD's on a regular basis, and so the songs are loaded with memories. Many of them involving my friend. Considering they are only 4 out of 150, they have been playing an awful lot last night and today.

There is nothing I could do in regards to my friend. She is in ICU and even if I can get in to see her, at this point she is still unconscious. Other than information on her, there is little I did at the wake. I added to the visible number of people that noted his passing. I stood off to the side, alone while people I didn't know had the comfort of sharing stories with others they knew. A release of sorts. I had nobody to share these with. A status I could have handled better if not for the fact that concern for my friend weighed over these other things to some extent.

I don't get what the big deal is this time. I am not inclined to be emotional in these situations. Even with family members I haven't been. There Shakira goes again, and it is that one song that reminds me of the tables where I sat with the cards, chatting with her or trying to teach her how to read them. I even now have a vivid memory of that table, cards to the side and she and I were eating lunch. I ate a meatball sub and tried not to make a mess outside of the foil it came in, and she ignored her food as she complained about the man whose wake I attended today, and the fact that the woman whom in the earlier post I gave the pseudonym "Erin" told her she needed to drop him. He would only bring trouble. Odd that it was "Erin" who brought us the trouble initially, and once she was out of the way, the relationship between them had a lot less turmoil. Six years later, at his wake I find out from his son that he had wanted to ask her to marry him.

All of that from one song. Back to Snake River Conspiracy so I can finish my thought. I have never had such an issue with loss, or potential loss, as I do right here. In most of the roles I have played, I can't afford it.

I think...I'll tell you what I think, that I have no idea what the statement I was going to make here was. I think it is time for bed. "Don't You Want Me Baby" is on my MP3 player. I think I will smoke my last cigarette listening to that and imagining chocolate chip cookies being snatched out of a convertible (if you haven't seen that commercial I think you have missed out. I laughed so hard, though it is not so funny at the moment.) Then I will finish downloading the latest additions to my music library. (More angry music.) Then I will problem turn "Vulcan" up for one last run before I try and black out.

I am sorry for having inflicted all of the above on any readers that made their way to the end of this. For those who didn't, you will probably have surmised that I would say that is life, or something close to it.

A Mother's Brief Words On Death

2007-01-26T02:11:00.000-05:00

She lay there on the altar, hands folded and resting on Her waist. I couldn't look at Her and not flash back to earlier in the day when I looked upon him laying there in the casket. One major difference I noted immediately was that the cosmetics had given him some life-like coloring, where She was pale, nearly to a point of transparency. I felt a chill rising from the underground lake at my back and the air was damp and cold.

"I even effect the atmosphere in here." I commented out loud, as I noted that the normally bright and sparkling jewels were steady and muted, lending a soft and unintrusive light, again much like the funeral parlor I had been in. I looked again at Her folded hands and unchanging expression, and I could feel the pain again. I wondered if, with the effect I had on everything else I could effect the environment just a touch and the altar would turn into a casket.

"If you could, what purpose would that serve?" Her voice asked me as Her lips did not move. "I am not dead, am I?"

"That you are not." I responded. While I knew this to be an obvious truth, a part of me wanted to walk up and touch Her. As if that gesture could reassure me.

"I have never forbidden it." She replied. "In fact I would welcome it. You should know this."

"There are a lot of things I should know." I replied. Hesitantly I stepped forward. All of the way up to the altar. My breath quickened, and I didn't know whether it was because I had never come this close to this altar before, or because of the irrational connection to death that I couldn't shake. I held my hand out, hovering just above Her.

"Go ahead." Her voice said. With a laugh She added. "You will not wake me."

I lowered my hand and pressed it on the altar for a moment, reverently touching the corner, as I had done when I approached him the same evening. Then I stepped back to create space.

"You are troubled." She said.

"This is an example of you incredible powers of perception?" I quipped.

An enormous weight lifted for just a moment off of my chest as Her lips curved in just the slightest smile. "Of course." She replied. After a pause she continued. "Tell me what you were thinking when you were at the wake."

"You know what I was thinking."

"We've discussed the relevance of that comment in the past." She chided.

"I thought a number of things." I answered. "Which do you want me to discuss?"

"All of them."

"I thought that I didn't really belong there." I began. "That the odds of anyone being there to whom I could be a use would be small."

"You thought this even before you went." She pointed out. "So why did you go?"

"I went for Her, for the most part." I told Her. "I went because she couldn't. And because I had known him, and his family deserved to see that he did not move on with a passing that was unnoticed."

"At the very least, I think you helped contribute to the latter, don't you?"

"Perhaps."

"You told his sister when she introduced herself that the simple fact that so many people were there that she didn't know was a telling sign of the impact her brother had made. Do you think that helped at all?"

"I don't know." I admitted.

"I do." She replied. "Tell me what you said to him."

I relayed the words I had said referencing a moment he and I had shared. A moment he frequently spoke of afterwards. I waited as the last of my words hung in the air.

Finally Her voice softly broke the silence. "I think those words had a beneficial effect on the man you said them for, don't you?"

"No. I don't." I answered. "They had no impact whatsoever. He couldn't hear them."

"You knew that when you spoke." She pointed out. "You didn't say those words for his benefit. You said them for yours. You spoke them to ease your own pain, and for a moment, it worked. I would say your mission was accomplished."

"I would say it was much more accomplished if you gave him a grace period." I replied, annoyed.

"A grace period? To set his affairs in order?" She questioned. "You know it does not work that way. You also know why."

"I meant on the other side of the coin." I answered. "So he could benefit from the knowledge of how much impact he had, in what ways. Couldn't we be allowed to at least witness our own funerals? Kind of a final tally?"

"To what end? What use would this knowledge be immediately after when he was no more?" She asked. "Would it not be easier to be clean cut?"

"I guess." I replied.

"You are temporary creatures, as you well know. The end comes when the end comes. That is all there is to it."

"Will she make it?" I asked, finally.

"You know I won't answer that question." She answered me.

"If she does, she will wake with the knowledge that he is not only gone, but she has missed even the final goodbye of the wake and/or funeral. He will simply be gone. Add to that her medical issues stemming from this, and if she manages to pull out of this, she could very well just end up wishing she hadn't."

"True."

I paced. "I am not saying that I would wish it to be the case, certainly her children wouldn't, but I can't help but wondering if my prayers for her survival might be selfish."

"You know they aren't selfish reasons." She replied. "Your reasoning is true, as is your clear and whole hearted desire to have her back. Now rest. Leave it in my hands."

"Can I trust you?" I asked, pusing it a little in the sarcasm department.

"It isn't like you have a choice." She said with another smile. There was a pause. "Sunday mattered." She said.

"Did she have anything to with that?" I asked.

"Of course." She answered. "Come, take my hand."

I approached slowly, and finally reached out and took her hand in mine. With a rush of light, and a warming through my soul, my surroundings went black.

Things So Easily Missed

2007-01-24T23:03:00.000-05:00

I read the story about the accident several days ago. While at work today I scanned the article about the young boy who died. As is too often the case I skipped over the names of the victims as being irrelevant to me. If they impacted my life I would have heard from someone by now.

Martha read the story a few days ago in the paper, and she read the article this morning. She also just scanned it. My daughter brought the same section of the paper to her three times, and three times my wife simply placed it aside. The fourth time Martha's eyes caught a name as she was placing the paper aside.

One of the drivers that was killed was someone we knew. One of the most seriously injured individuals that is still in the hospital is the woman whose relationship with him is the only reason I knew him beyond being the guy from the pizza shop. The only reason MC knew who he was at all.

I cannot decide what ethical aspects might be involved, so having no reason to share with folks who don't know her, I will not print her name here. To those of you of any religion who read this blog, I ask that you pray for the recovery of a woman important to me. Have faith in your god that He/She will know who is being referenced. For those of you who don't have any religious position, I can request nothing of you. At least not of those who don't personally know me. Those of you who do might want to check in with me to make sure all is cool on this front. (Or you might not. I imagine I will be fine.)

The past way too often effects the present unexpectedly. Exemplified by the fact that one of those who might want to know that this friend could use some old friends by her side may also not know what has happened, but I don't even recall his last name. I only know his first name and where he lives. While out of the way, I may have to go that route in the next few days to make sure he knows.

MC, since I said you know who the individuals in question are (if only peripherally) I will clarify for your sake. The man who is lost is the one who took exception with you leaving his windows open when you were moving his couch. As, by connection you could tell, the woman in question would be the one you presumed I referred to in an earlier post.

That is all that I can really say about this issue for the moment. I know those of you outside of our circles may feel left out, but that is life, or something close to it.

Understanding Versus Perception

2007-01-22T22:46:00.000-05:00

An intelligent being can initially (and emotionally somewhat continually) perceive something quite different from rational understanding. This may or may not be news to you, but it is the basis for many elements of my life, and I imagine many of yours as well.

The rational mind can understand that the one who can not drive will fall by the wayside to those who can when the joining of friends has a limit of possible participants and is long distance. The rational mind has no problem with this. The irrational perception recognizes the fact that two successive friends jap on him on the same night. Two friends he went out of the way to hook up with when he had plans that stood without them. The irrational mind screams at the fact that the plan involving many friends was originally presented in the manner that it was expected that he would be there, despite not knowing of these plans, then rejected as superfluous. The irrational mind recognizes that the first friend japping on him was expected and the second has never done so, let alone in a fashion of stating he already assumed his presence at the arrangement before rendering him superfluous as a poor second cousin.

The rational mind recognizes that every human being has different tastes, likes and dislikes, and the closeness of relationship has no effect on these differences. The irrational mind can't understand why he would sit through four hours of Klingon opera just because she wanted to partake in the entertainment yet she can practically throw a ear phone at him after two beats of a song he has finally got his hands on that he wants to hear.

A rational mind understands that the important things in life involve work, which pays for necessities, which alleviate some minor level of worries that allows him to go to work again to resume the cycle. An irrational mind can't sleep because this cycle doesn't allow him anything to offer to prevent the most important person in his life from vanishing while he is too busy trying to pay for her roof to have time left to pay attention.

The rational mind keeps hearts beating, roofs over heads and food over tables. The irrational mind wonders where his life went while he did all of this.

The irrational mind wonders what, if anything people will think of this writing. The rational mind says that the myriad reactions are part of life, or something close to it.

When Wanderer's away...

2007-01-16T19:58:00.000-05:00

.... I stole the couch from his blog and dragged it over to mine. That's why there's nowhere to sit.

In all reality though, Wanderer, when are we going to hear from you again?

Odd Google Stuff

2006-12-21T01:16:00.000-05:00

The following phrases on Google have apparently led people to me.

"blessed symbols"
"of a tireless mind"
"how do you get close to someone who have no, partial, sight and not surprise them?"
"if you have any questions please contact the sutherland internal helpde"

Just some odd results from statcounter. Please return to your normal life, or something close to it.

Yule

2006-12-21T00:43:00.000-05:00

A year ago today I wrote about the winter solstice. Within the next day or two I may write about it again, but in case I don't, or am delayed, here is what I said.

Since I had this debate earlier with a few folks, I will throw this little thing out about today. Many of your calendars list tomorrow as the first day of winter, something that generally coincides with this Solstice. The reason the two don't coincide this year is the percentage of time in question. Tomorrow is listed as the first day of winter because the Solstice occurs today at 7:22 pm EST. Thus the 22nd qualifies as the first full day of winter.

For those of you who want to see something new, that is life, or something close to it.

Christmas Pictures

2006-12-11T12:37:00.000-05:00

Here is a little hoiday picture of Emily.

I also have the same picture on a keychain to show everyone. Just another silly moment in a parent's life, or something close to it.

Messing With People

2006-12-08T13:35:00.000-05:00

So, I think I am going to get around to posting some of those pictures I have been promising myself to post for a while now shortly. First I have to continue with doing something silly like putting an obnoxious post on my sister's blog while I am fixing her template for her.

Yeah, it's kind of rude, but that's life, or something close to it.

The Cold Moon

2006-12-04T12:36:00.000-05:00

Circumstances at home have had me away from the computer for a few days. As such, you will notice that this post is late. You will also notice that I edited the date of the post, not to pretend I got it out here on time but so as to avoid confusion if one glances back at the date that it was posted in regards to the moon.

The Cold moon rose over Rochester, NY at 3:57pm EST on 12/4/06. It became full at 7:25pm EST and set at 8:29am EST 12/5/06. (It rose over Farmington NM at 4:29pm MST 12/4/06, became full at 5:25pm MST and set at 8:10 am MST 12/5/06)

The cold moon needs little explanation. In the northern hemisphere many of you are noting the temperature decrease as we continue to move into December.

The next Sabbatt will be yule on December 21st.
The next new moon will be December 20th around 9:01 am EST.
The next full moon will be January 3rd around 8:58 am EST.

There is your lunar data for this month in this life, or something close to it.

A Walk Through Their Scripture

2006-11-25T22:05:00.000-05:00

Matthew 10:34-39 quotes Jesus as saying he didn't bring peace, but a sword. He clearly states he will set people against their own family.

Luke 12:49-57 gives a slightly different quote, same statement though.

Exodus 32:25-29 has a real beauty. Moses declares God's command that this group of folks go out and kill brothers, companions and neighbors. When 3,000 are killed at this instruction they are declared to be blessed and ready to enter the priesthood.

And some of these people have the gall to refer to my Goddess as a demon. To say her teachings are evil or dangerous. (Special thanks to Chris P. for grouping those verses together on his blog, saving me some research time.)

A little over a year ago, Arthur B. Roberts posted in response to one of my posts. In it he claimed that all paths could not be true (which I didn't claim) because the Christian teachings and those of the Koran contradict each other to a volatile level. This is true, and many try to sharpen the divide by pointing to some hostile teachings in the Koran. Yet there are some areas here that a lot of the Christians try to ignore in attempting to point the muslims out as the only violent ones. Sure, he quoted verses saying to kill infidels, but hey, how exactly does that stack up with "If you kill your family I will give you a cookie?"

I look at the various sides and I really don't get it. How can either of these camps step up and call me evil? Call my Goddess evil? Seriously? This is an interesting quandary (for me) about life, or something close to it.

A Mother And A Cross

2006-11-25T19:29:00.000-05:00

She stood on the hill and watched me approach. The moon was barely past new, so while She was clearly visible, Her surroundings were mostly hidden by the night. I stopped a couple of feet away from Her.

"Such respectful distance you alway keep." She said. "Accompanied by frequently disrespectful language. One might think it would work so much better if you would come closer and be a little more polite."

I shrugged, not really having thought of the issue of distance. I took a step forward, but found myself stopping again. Even as I was embarrassed, her face lit up in a smile.

"That is some significant progress." She said. "So tell me what it is you wish to speak of."

I looked around and then looked back to Her. "I had thought that when I sought you this time I would find you in the cave again."

"Liar." She chided.

Startled I started to tell Her that I had in fact expected we would be there. Her laughter cut me off. "I know you did. But that isn't what it was you wished to speak of."

I laughed. "Is the proposition, the subject, so silly that joking and laughing is the natural result?"

Her face turned serious. "Quite the contrary. Serious enough that a little levity might help."

"You know why I am here." I stated, rather than ask.

"Of course. Haven't you heard me calling you for several days?"

"I have." I admitted. "So lets discuss it."

She waved a hand over Her shoulder and the light extended from Her far enough to highlight the cross standing behind Her on the hill. Its presence startled me. "But why would it surprise you? It is what she wanted us to discuss, isn't it?"

"It is." I admitted, "But..."

She laughed again. "But what? Am I a vampire in your mind? Did you truly expect that being in its presence would have some destructive or diminishing effect?"

"Of course not. But it seems just a little wrong."

"Wrong? Why?" She turned as if studying it. "It is wood. A structure of sorts. It holds no power to banish me. Nor do I oppose its existence. It being here as an illustration has its purpose."

"Why would we have to observe a giant cross in order to discuss it? Why couldn't it just be a conversation?"

The lights dimmed on the cross. "Does its presence bother you?"

"Yes." I admitted.

"Insecurity?" She asked. "Does the symbol truly bother you so?"

"It isn't simply the symbol itself. It is specifically the large cross on the hill. It clearly points to the crucifixion issue." I pointed out.

The hill went dark and She wandered down and away from it. Passing close enough that the dress She wore brushed my ankle. I waited until She was several steps ahead of me.

"It doesn't really, you know." She called back. She stopped when I stopped following. A smile spread across Her face. "Now you understand." She said approvingly.

"Only partially." I pointed out. "I understand why we can't walk off this hill, not why we had to be here to begin with."

"The one who posed the question is not going to have a favorable opinion of me either way." She pointed out. "So your comfort is a valid issue."

"No, the hill it is." I answered.

The light was suddenly gone at the bottom of the hill and rose up behind me. I turned to see Her back at the cross. "So, we discuss. Where do we start?"

"Well it seems like you may have hit close to what her question was with your comment." I responded. "And frankly it dosn't exactly make sense to me. That symbol, particularly in such a setting evokes such thoughts of crucifixion in many."

"I didn't say it didn't." She replied seriously. "I said it does not clearly point to crucifixion. I am well aware of the perceptions out there, just making a point."

"Which was what?"

"That if you were on the hill at the time in history, this object would have been nowhere to be seen." She waved at it in dismissal. "It is a stylization. But that is only peripheral to what she wants of me. Are you going to approach the questions, or should I pick and choose?"

"She quoted verse that stated that the enemy could not bear the sight of the cross, couldn't lie in its presence, something like that. Maybe both. I don't recall the verse off the top of my head, but I do know that one of the thought processes seemed to be that you couldn't ensnare me in lies in the presence of that object."

She smiled. "I am not sure of the cross is responsible, but I wasn't planning on starting some tradition of lying to you now anyway." She walked over and I cringed as She put Her hand on the cross. Her eyebrow arched.

"I know you won't burst into flames, it is just the crossed symbolism." I said.

Now She laughed again. "It won't taint me either, silly boy. It is a blessed symbol. I am not this demon she claims me to be. Why would it hurt me?"

"A blessed symbol?" I asked, confused.

"Of course. Most of these symbols derive their power from the faith of those who have reason to give them value. Enough of those exist. Crosses have long been held up as artifacts of religious or political existence."

With a wave of Her hand the sky was filled with many different variants of the cross. All shapes and sizes. There were even the swastikas pointing in both directions. She let me look at that one for a moment before She blinked it out. "Not all of them have been used for the greatest purposes though."

"So you don't have a reason to take issue with the cross?" I asked.

"Of course not." She said as they began to fade in the sky. "Not to say that I approve of everything they are used for. But then you knew I wouldn't have an issue."

"I did. Although I expected you to be more dismissive of the symbol."

"Now that's silly." She said, gesturing to the sky again. A circle appeared with a cross in the middle of it. The four lesser sabatts' names appeared next to the points where the cross touched the circle. Then it turned slightly, putting the cross at a 45 degree angle and a new cross appeared in the circle the points naming the four greater sabatts.

Before I could respond the circle faded, and was immediately replaced by another one. This time the cross appeared beneath it in the symbol for woman. Turning to comment on that to Her I saw Her dressed as an ancient Egyptian queen, Her arms crossed holding matching Ankhs.

"How old is the Ankh?" I asked Her.

She smiled and shifted back to Her previous appearance. "Much longer than the Christian faith has." She pointed out. As my mind started to process this She held up a finger. "Don't go there. In this case there is nothing borrowed. The cross is one of the simplest structures, and was an effective way to torture someone to death." She said this casually even as Her face darkened for a moment. "But the point is that the cross has been used as one form of life symbol or other for a much longer time than the crucifixion has been associated with it. If you leave the crucifixion out of it, the cross is a simple symbol. What power it has doesn't disturb me, it doesn't compell me. It won't save you."

"What of the crucifixion being necessary thing they harp on. The cross being the answer. Can you explain that to me? Just so I can see how it is held as a valid theory?"

The hill grew dark again. "She told you the verse."

"The cross is foolish to those who are not saved?"

"Do you need to be saved?" The night was dark enough that I could only see Her sillhouette.

"No." I replied as if the answer is obvious.

She laughed. "Then give them the chances they want to try to explain it to you, and don't worry about it afterwards. If all sides state that you will think it is foolish, why would you try to make sense of it?"

I thought this over, as I stared at the spot where the cross had been standing. Then I shook my head and went home.

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T17:18:00.000-05:00

There is really nothing to this post beyond the title and something about life, or something close to it.

Pain For What Gain?

2006-11-21T01:50:00.000-05:00

I can barely see out of my right eye. My hand hurts (minor in comparison to the following) and I have significant pain in my side. Too low to be oriented with rib damage, too high for any organ damage I can think of, but still significant. Perhaps muscle related. Relevance?

I broke up a fight today in a bar next to my place of work. Earning the trophies mentioned above. Still I am force to wonder about my actions and the above mentioned consequences. I broke up a fight that due to the one sided (that I could view) escalation will finish elsewhere. I know not the cause or who was right. I do know that the end will probably be unchanged, just delayed.

So I wonder. Was I right in getting myself hurt delaying something that will continue down the line? Or should I have minded my own business? My body says I will think of the latter choice as preferable in the morning. My heart says I did what needed to be done. My mind says there is no way with present information to assess the situation.

Off topic, unrelated to you folks, and undoubtedly a waste of type space. MC - I made notes for my response to comments on the last post, but I hurt too much to develop it tonight. For the rest of you, this is a highly irrelevant post, so please continue with your life, or something close to it.

Respect For A Human Being's Intelligence

2006-11-20T00:07:00.000-05:00

The other day I was engaged in various religious and political debates and/or discussions with one ofmy friends with whom I frequently have such conversations. An interesting exchange took place that I would like to expound upon. First, however, is the advanced warning. Since I ruffled some feathers a little while ago I will warn people in advance this time. The comments that I made to him, which I will be relaying here due to their bearing on the entire post will be seen as offensive by some of you. No apology. Just fair warning.

He stated something to the extent that while the bible was not the foundation for me, it was a foundation for me as well. My response was that I gave the bible some credit because She wrote it. He found this comment offensive. (Go figure.)

I got to thinking about this later on, though, and realized that this actually didn't make sense. After all, we have had many conversations in which we have discussed a difference of opinion as to who is at the root of all that is, and this isn't offensive, yet the authorship of this book is a sore point? I would think the copyright on man would be a bigger issue than on a book.

Then my mind turned to a conversation MC and I had several months ago that, I think, addresses this situation. (Took me long enough, didn't it MC?) He and I were talking after my daughter was baptized, and he pointed out that many of those from both my family and Martha's likely have their own ideas about why we had her baptized. That many of them saw me as being rebellious or dabbling with this "false religion" but being unwilling to risk my own daughter in the same foolishness. As if I didn't take my own religion and belief seriously, or they arrogantly believed that somewhere deep inside I knew that I was wrong.

I think this kind of mentality, whether my anonymous friend realizes it or not, is at the root of the question of why this single comment is this great offense while the rest of the conversation isn't. Its as if he (and other similarly minded) sees it like my imaginary friend suddenly got delusions of grandeur. In this light, it seems that this comment shouldn't have been offensive to him, but rather his reaction along those lines should have been offensive to me. Moreso because there was no question as to what I meant when I said it.

This lack of question could point to several possibilities. One being that he knew already, or based on what he has pieced together about my beliefs thought he did, and thus his reaction would insinuate a dismissal of the possibility of a valid discussion of the position and a voiding of all such discussions we had thus far. The second would be that he dismissed the possibility that I was presenting a position at all, thus once again being the offender in this meeting of minds.

You see, the issue is that I wasn't presenting a new position at all. This wasn't an out of the blue remark. This was a continuation of positions I have held all along. Yet this one remark is the second most offensive he has ever heard.

Since my comments were a simple and logical extension of the position I have repeatedly presented, in response to his interpretation of my position, this comment should have been expected. Any offense should already exist and/or have been dealt with. Unless he was not paying attention in our numerous debates, or behaving like the other group mentioned and not giving me sufficient credit for having established beliefs.

The point behind this ranting about these two situations? I have been straight forward in dealing with you folks, and given credit even to those I disagreed with. It is you, Mr. "second most offended" that insulted me. It is you folks presuming why my daughter was baptized that insult me. Many of the rest of you who quietly presume this is rebellion or a phase insult me. Should you care? Not necessarily. Just pointing out that this flows both ways. Consider that particularly next time you want to say that I offended you. Ask yourself if my comments are a surprise, or are any different then what I have been saying all along. If you have any reason to be offended now when you weren't before.

Or don't. It's just one more choice in life, or something close to it.

Election Results

2006-11-08T05:34:00.000-05:00

(Note: author is Mc)

*****Wanderer updates again: It is official. WE TOOK THE SENATE!!!!

**** UPDATE: Donald Rumsfeld has stepped down as defsec! This is like a birthday followed by a BONUS ROUND birthday! I'm so thrilled and excited right now that I did an extra ten reps on each one of my weightlifting exercises, and was ABLE to.

Google Image Search could not come up with a single picture of Geena for my original intention of simply posting it with the caption "I win."

We (that is, Democrats, from both Wanderer's and my perspective) captured the house and as of right now, the Senate is dead even at 49-49 with two races outstanding, Montana and Virginia. MSNBC.com shows both as having a slight Dem edge, 51 to 49 in one case and 50 to 48 in the other, with 99% reporting.

Of course these are not guaranteed to be accurate, but assuming it's a reasonable facsimile, by the time I wake up tomorrow we will have captured the Senate as well.

Unfortunately, Lieberman got in, so I don't know whether they're counting him as a Dem or not. If they are, then we're actually behind by one seat right now cause that guy is NOT a Democrat.

But, to stay on the positive side, the cabal that had been in power is now only in control of two of the three branches of government, so at least we have a foothold and maybe, MAYBE, please Joe Pesci please, have some oversight now. The coup d'etat that was either perpetrated, or in the midst of being perpetrated, by Rove and the neo-Con cabal (I hate to repeat myself but there's no better word) is hopefully now in its dying throes. I say this half intending irony (remember when Rumsfeld said the insurgency was in its dying throes in 2003?) and the other half completely serious.

The fight isn't over yet; we still have to save the executive branch from the coup in 2008, and defend the legislative from it. If we can get them both in 2008, then, finally, we might rest knowing the Constitution of the United States of America has escaped the mortal peril it's in now. Maybe we'll even have some new justices by then to replace the likes of Scalia. Maybe will be an incredible strock of good fortune and Alito will get hit by a meteorite by then, who knows. But gaining control is not all.

The most important part is still, and always has been, us. We as citizens must stay vigilant. We have to pay a lot more attention and devote a lot more attention than we have been. Until we get to a point where more people can tell you who their senators are than can tell you who Jennifer Aniston is currently fucking, we're NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION. Is it work to stay on top of it all? Yes, of course. Is it difficult and sometimes unpleasant? Absolutely. But it's your DUTY as a citizen. And I'm not talking about some hypothetical arbitrary "duty" like whatever stupid, wasteful, pointless crap they made me do in the Army, I mean duty in the sense that when you drop the ball and don't fulfill it, terrible things happen (see 2000-2006 CE.)

When you don't know what's going on you can't stop it.

When you don't know what's going on you can't even object to it.

And then we get stuck in Iraq and let a neo-Con cabal rise to power a la the Nazi party in the Weimar Republic. Thousands of Americans die needlessly and we bankrupt ourselves to the tune of nearly a trillion dollars.

That was a direct result of American apathy when it comes to politics and news.

Let's not let that happen ever again.

The Mourning Moon

2006-11-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

The Mourning Moon became full at 7:58am EST today. It will rise over Rochester, NY at 4:45pm EST and will set tomorrow at 8:25am EST

Over Farmington, NM it became full at 5:58am MST, before setting at 6:54am MST. It will rise again at 5:09pm MST to set tomorrow at 8:11am MST.

The Mourning moon is a good time to remember what we have lost over the last year, much the same as with Samhain. It is a time where the harvests, and the thinning of the herds will have been reaching completion, and we prepare to last through the winter. As the weather becomes more harsh we work on simply surviving and continuing the fight. We remember those who didn't manage to continue the fight this past year for whatever reason. We look to the cold, dark days ahead, and with a little sense we look beyond them to when the days will stretch again and the weather warm once more. The Mourning moon is also referred to as the Frost moon.

The next Sabatt will be Yule on December 21st.
The next New Moon will be November 20th at 5:18pm EST.
The next Full Moon (Long Nights Moon or Cold Moon) will be December 4th at 7:25pm EST.

Election Day

2006-11-04T01:25:00.000-05:00

For those of you who noticed that I made no mention of Samhain this year, I apologize, but I was too busy to make note of it here. Feel free to read through this rerun from last year if you need your fix.

I write now to remind all of you folks that election day is coming up. (November 7th if you don't already know.) I am not however reminding you simply so you know which day to vote, but also to remind you that your vote carries more weight as far as shaping the society within which we live if you keep yourself informed about the issues surrounding the various candidates.

I am paying attention to these issues, and I imagine it will not surprise you to know that many of the issues I am watching revolve around the "Marriage Protection Act" and related issues.

While you may not agree with the stance I take on this issue, I would hope that you at least have the sense to look at what I do as a result. I closely watch things such as the "HRC Score Card" as well as personally watching the agendas and associated actions of the people for whom I would or would not be voting.

The bottom line is that we should all be getting involved in the politics around us. These issues will affect all of us. You can say that you as one person won't make much of a difference. MC and I were discussing this very question tonight. As he pointed out, the reality of this is that one person doesn't make much difference. However, the only way the majority comes into existence is when a large number of single individuals decide to step forward to become part of the group. To help form the group.

The biggest difficulty that we all face is that our society is one of apathy and inertia. An object at rest stays at rest, particularly when it cares, but not that much. We need as many individuals as possible to step forward and become part of the drive. As I told him, I am no longer content to sit quietly by and just bitch to my friends about what should be seen. MC and I have a mutual friend who has already put me to shame. (I say me, not us, because MC was in the military at the time and wouldn't have had the option to become politically active as she did. I, however, could have.)

Whether you agree with me or not, you have a duty to stand up to allow the possibility that everyone who agrees with you will too. That a move could be made. For a government of the people and by the people, too many of the people are silent when it comes to decision time.

Much like now. Look at this administration. Look at its anti non-evangelical stance and tell me that there aren't a number of opponents who are simply too apathetic to speak out. Look at the fact that we aren't running a President of the United States out on a rail for suggesting, let alone pushing, legislation to treat a large group of his country's citizens like lepers, to be shunned and even outlawed. Tell me that we have a right to be proud of our democratic process when we don't put an immediate end to any attempt to terrorize our own people. To legislate on things that don't actually effect us. To put one religion down as law.

We are beyond the voting question here. Basic human rights are being thrown away and too many people are willing to look away because it doesn't effect them yet. History shows that this apathy ensures the scenario is only beginning. It has been said in the past that if you didn't vote, you have no right to complain. Voting alone may not be enough. Stand up and let the people around you know how you feel. Make your politics real and prominent so that people know how you feel and vice versa. Maybe then one side or the other will have an opportunity to help their opponent learn. Maybe then we can achieve some true success.

On Tuesday, don't go vote for your party or for the best commercial. Go to the booth knowing you did your research. Go in knowing that you made an educated decision for your future. Your decisions will mold the world that my daughter lives in, so vote responsibly. Vote for a world where she can see that there are still decent human beings. Forget the party and vote for what is right for the people. All of the people, not just the ones from your pew.

So there is my commentary (for this moment) on politics. Feel free to return to your regularly scheduled life, or something close to it.

New Link

2006-10-21T18:32:00.000-04:00

There is a new link on my sidebar labeled "Amazon.com wishlist." It appears as such because I am too tired at the moment to pick and manipulate a cool picture to use as a button.

I obviously don't expect any of you to care much about this list. It isn't as if I am claiming that any of you have any reason to buy me shit. (Not that I would ever complain.) It is mostly there for the few family members and friends who stop by here to look at should they be inclined to try to come up with gifts for some occasion.

Feel free to look at it, or not. It is mostly just windowshopping on a public stage. It will undoubtedly get longer as books, movies and music I am interested in keep coming out and I keep being too broke to do anything about it.

Mostly, it is just another weird thing on my sidebar that most of you won't pay attention to. But that's just life, or something close to it.

Failures In The Field Of Writing

2006-10-19T22:28:00.000-04:00

Diverse readers make bad writers. This is the lesson that I am learning even as I embark on putting into print yet another one of my stories that won't ever achieve that goal beyond a printed version within my house.

I note this at the outset, not having put a single word down yet, not out of an attitude of defeat, but a simple recognition as I examine the aspects of the story in question.

One of the most important aspects as far as the ability to publish and share your stories is the marketability (i.e. readability) of what you are writing.

When the author is a fan of Steven King, Nora Roberts, Laurell Hamilton, Harry Bosch, John Grisham, Anne Rice, David and Leigh Eddings and countless others whose names don't rise to the surface at the moment, one realizes something. (A realization that might take some research on the parts of the rest of you as I am at this point too tired to go to the effort of linking every one of the above authors for those who are unfamiliar.) That author is a huge fan of good writing regardless of genre. The problem is that this presents a difficulty in writing. As often the genres mix in the writing at hand.

This makes things wholly unmarketable. You have to have the genre to sell your book to. Love stories sell. Fantasy and Hi-Fi stories sell. Mysteries sell. Science Fiction sells. The problem is when you don't have a market to attach your publication to.

A mob story will sell. A love story will sell. A story about witchcraft will sell. A story about top secret military units will sell. A story about mutants will sell. What genre do you put all of the above into if they exist in a single book?

In my latest: How exactly do you make a dreadnought love story marketable? (In this case you, by my design given the public domain here, may not know what a dreadnought is, since I created the race in question.) Suffice it to say the fantasy and love story would be difficult enough. David Eddings meets Nora Roberts. It would be more difficult given the fact that dreadnoughts only come in one gender. More still since the world in which they exist would have to be created first, which is the fundamental failure in my last book as I created the story then wrote the first book that was the background.

So the truth is that I will never be a writer. Not for the inability to process complex issues, but the reverse. I can't dumb it down to a genre. Perhaps soon I will reach that last stage of commitment to the realization of this and create a spin-off blog like Dawn Is Coming devoted to my fiction, so that which does not sell will at least provide thoughts and details to others who can dumb it down for a willing audience.

My only even semi-well known writing will be here. That sucks, but it is life, or something close to it.

A Note Or Two About MC

2006-10-14T14:24:00.000-04:00

MC and I have been friends for a good number of years. He ranks high in my inner circle of friends, and I was going to say that he is one of the people I have been friends with the longest. I have always thought of it as such, although when reflecting upon that now I realize that out of my really close friends, he was actually the last one to enter that "inner circle". Interesting that. I was going to say that it was barely relevant to the point of this post, but in truth even I am not sure of what that is at this point. It is more of a collection of ideas that came to mind in a very tired and intoxicated state. (This morning after getting out of work. I am not intoxicated at this point. I am at work, and I don't mix alcohol with my place of employment. It doesn't settle well.)

It is somewhat of the same vein as the suggestion MC proposed at the end of this post though I hadn't thought of that until after.

There is no question in the minds of any who know us, or most of those who have read the exchanges out here, that MC and I are two distinctly different people. It seems at times that there are far more items we disagree on than we agree on. Still, while often disagreeing with him, I can frequently see the rationale of his point of view. (More often, I suspect, than in the reverse.) There are many aspects of MC that I would say are distinctly not me. There are some of these that I would go further and say that not only do I not fit the same mold, but I don't think I would care to. That said, there are many reasons why I am jealous of him, and could aspire to be more like him.

MC is a very confident man. He knows what his strengths and his weaknesses are. This seems a minor thing, but many of us don't have the level of self-assessment that he demonstrates. Not to say that he isn't human. Like anyone, knowledge of his weaknesses doesn't always equal protection from them. This does however lead to another one of his traits that I have always admired. He learns. A simple recognition of what one might perceive as a personal fault doesn't do one any good unless they step up and fix it. In truth, I often wonder if some of my faults will ever be fixed. If I will ever be able to figure out this self-improvement thing.

This is an element of MC that I have been particularly jealous of. He plays a lot of poker. He plays it well. He knows the game, he knows the math, he knows when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, so to speak. This isn't a natural born talent of his. He had a desire to learn the game and so he studied, worked at it and improved himself. This is something I have never shown much talent for. Not the game, the process of developing such skill at it. I don't recall a single point in which something that I took interest in, showed some latent talent in, was ever improved through study and any attempt on my part to do so. That which I do, for better or worse, seems to always reflect the latent skills applicable to it that I brought to begin with. I have thought, ironically, that MC might teach me the skill of improvement, of learning and applying in such an arena. Except that without learning to learn, I wouldn't be able to apply the skills he taught me.

I am somewhat jealous that his confidence is more honest than my arrogance. He frequently acts as though what he says can be assumed to be correct. This is primarily because it generally is, and he generally can point to the facts to prove it. I generally come off as presuming I am right (which happens frequently enough as well) and can often back up my position as well. The difference. His confidence is something he believes in. My arrogance is not something I believe in. I am jealous that he can so easily presume he has the right of it, while I so easily presume the distinct possibility that I am wrong. Both come off the same and can be confused by others, but his is quite probably the healthier perspective.

One of the things I have admired in MC is his honesty. In case you folks haven't noticed, he frequently employs this rather than bullshit diplomacy. Sometimes I wish I could stop playing the games with people that he seems to so easily refuse to play. Even if I couldn't quite see myself as being as blunt and open as he is, it is also often refreshing to hear him being straightforward, as opposed to the patronizing bullshit you get elsewhere.

Beyond the ability to see his own strengths and weaknesses, he also has a pretty good handle on those of others. With those of us amongst his close friends, at least, he doesn't exploit these, but rather tries to work on them. I can't tell you the number of times he and I have had conversations over coffee, in a car on the way somewhere, or just hanging around the house where he has provided advice and helped me out of a particular situation, or helped me work through a difficult time. I have many more such memories of such scenarios with him than with my own father. I have also benefited greatly from many of those scenarios.

I have spoken of several aspects of why I admire, or even am jealous of MC. I am sure I left some things out along the way. In return I at least have something (and lisanocerous can undoubtedly confirm this) that many of you should be jealous of me for: I have the pleasure of calling MC a friend. Sorry. We can't all be that lucky. That's just life, or something close to it.

Some Humor

2006-10-14T13:22:00.000-04:00

Some of you might get a kick out of this post.

If not, that's life, or something close to it.

Fun Stuff You Find While Surfing At 2am

2006-10-13T02:17:00.000-04:00

Via Wildhunt I was pointed to this amusing article about a woman who claims Harry Potter is responsible for school shooting. As well as this one about the first significant case of Pagan missionaries that I am familiar with.

That's all for now, I will edit if I find more interesting stuff. Enjoy the above or don't. That's life, or something close to it.

20 Minutes Of My Life

2006-10-09T01:39:00.000-04:00

As some of you may have noticed, I went out to be entertained by a well renowned (at least locally, and since he isn't local, I suspect beyond) hypnotist. His name is J. Medicine Hat. I have seen several other supposed hypnotists before, including Sandman at the same club. They are fun shows to watch. Due to some screwy issues involving my family dynamics, I didn't go Friday, I went tonight. I have never believed in the actual effects of hypnosis and hypnotic suggestions as demonstrated. (My long term readers will remember a debate on this around a year ago, I am too lazy to research and find the post as it was the comments, not the posts, that introduced the question.)

The problem I have (a minor one to be sure) is that I am still inclined to believe it doesn't work, but have circumstancial evidence to the contrary. In short, I didn't volunteer to go on stage, but stayed instead to eat and drink and enjoy. I recall the beginnings of his speech to encourage the state of mind of those on stage and thinking about how it was similar or different to some practices I have used on others. I also know that there was a 20 minute gap in which I easily could have nodded off that folks at my table and strangers at surrounding tables insist that I followed the directions of him, with assistance from his assistant who stayed by me, prior to the decision by Mr. Medicine Hat that given the choice between my response and the apparent response of a more attractive female, I lost and I was to be woken up.

It disturbs me to hear these reports that during this gap in consciousness I did such things. (The gap not being as disturbing, as that kind of thing happens on occasion.) I still can't bring myself to believe this stuff works, but can't see why my parents and strangers would have collaborated to tell a story about what I might have done while asleep. More annoying is the off chance that the process works and the fact that while I was fully awake at the end of the show he told the participants on stage that any of them who smoked and had considered quitting would no longer be inclined to smoke. If the first part of this bullshit worked, which I don't admit, then it would seem I got screwed on the second half. Still, I am glad that according to their story I wasn't picked, as the show was hilarious and I don't see as how I would have enjoyed having missed the entire show, rather than just 20 minutes.

So there is the surreal aspect of life, or something close to it.

The Blood Moon

2006-10-07T20:50:00.000-04:00

The Blood Moon rose over Rochester, NY at 6:26pm Eastern Daylight Time on October 6th. It became full at 11:12 pm Eastern Daylight Time, and set on October 7th at 7:49 am Eastern Daylight time.

Over Farmington, NM it rose at 6:35pm Mountain Daylight time and set at 7:50am on the following day. It became full at 9:12 pm Mountain Daylight time.

The Blood Moon is so named in reference to the fact that this is the time of year where one would begin to thin the herd in order to allow the rest to survive through the coming winter months. It is one of the ones that some of our detractors love to point to because it sounds ominous and seems to speak of sacrifice, but the truth is it has a practical, and non-religious oriented name just like most of the rest of them.

The next Sabatt will be Samhain, on October 31.
The next New Moon will be on October 22nd at 1:15am Eastern Daylight Time
The next Full moon (the Mourning Moon) will be November 5th at 7:58am Eastern Standard time.

There is the lunar and the spiritual data for this month of this life, or something close to it.

A Mother's Lesson

2006-10-01T21:56:00.000-04:00

I stalked across the field to where She stood, one hand resting on a tree, but not leaning. More as if She was posing or showing Herself off. As I approached She lowered Her hand and stepped toward me, Her features changing as She did so.

"Where is my church?" I demanded of Her.

She laughed. "Shouldn't I be asking you that question?" She asked, turning and walking away.

I hurried over to catch up. Her features and physique were continuing to change, never staying the same for more than a couple of seconds. "Why do you change as soon as I can see who you are at the moment?" I asked.

She wiggled a finger at me. "My question again." She responded.

"Do you plan on just continuously frustrating me?" I demanded.

The shifting stopped. Her clothes were dark and Her face was stern. "That's the third question I could ask of you." She replied. "My patience with that tone does wear short on occasion as well. Ask what you want to know."

I took a deep breath. "I already asked what I wanted to know." I replied.

She smiled and turned, Her form still regal, Her clothes still dark, yet She did not seem as forboding anymore. The humor in Her voice helped to push away some of the chills I hadn't noticed as well. "Fair enough. Ask something I can answer, then."

"Why can't you answer the first question?" I asked as we walked and She began changing forms again.

"You've wondered that for some time." She replied. "But you know that is not a question I can answer for you."

"Is there no answer?" I asked.

"You know there is. You know who must answer." She gestured to Her right. Where the field had been open before, I now saw a clearing at the edge of a forest. Against a cliff. I could hear the surf below. "It is the same question."

I stood for a moment and stared at the scene, then I turned back to Her. Her face was warm, Her figure and attire designed to be comforting. They weren't.

"So if I can't answer that question, I am simply lost?" I asked Her.

"Of course not." She answered with a laugh. "You still know your way here."

"But this isn't enough." I replied heatedly. "This is just my own private war. Nobody stands with me. I don't have the comfort she spoke of when she simply walks into a church for the morning service. That is lost to me."

"You would prefer to be surrounded by people who went through the motions of something they didn't think through?" She asked of me.

"They aren't all like that."

"True. But can you point to which is which? And could you be comfortable there? It seems you walked away, not them."

I shook my head and sat down. "Is there no alternative? Is there nothing for me where I can not be the thinker? Where for just a moment I can just sit down and share?"

"You had that." She replied. I recognized the voice before I even looked up at the face that matched. It was a high priestess I had known. "You turned from that as well. In fact, you destroyed that."

"They were hypocrites." I pointed out in defense.

"They were. She replied, incongruently changing form to the one out of all of them I wouldn't have said that about. "Was knowledge of that alone enough to throw away the comfort you had? To destroy it for them?"

"I didn't do it alone." I continued on the defensive. "And they soon would have done it to themselves."

"You are right." She began changing again as She walked away, forcing me to stand and follow. "Was it inevitable, then, that you would never trust any others after that?"

"Perhaps it was."

"No perhaps." She replied. "It was. Because, for all of their faults, you never danced with them either."

"Maybe because of?" I offered.

"You know better." She stopped at the edge of the cliff, far enough away from the grove and pointed to the vista ahead of us. I just stared for a moment, until She spoke again. "Did no good come out of that grouping, then?"

I remembered that night. Angry. Surprising myself as I realized that it wasn't for the first time. "You came to them. They all saw you, and I didn't. Those hypocrites had a moment that insured them in their minds that they were right, and I had nothing."

"Nothing?" The face was younger now. I recognized it in an instant, and suspected She was playing with me. "Of course I am." She replied. "It is my perogative. But this is important, and she more than any other, is a calming influence."

I waited and stared for a moment on a face from my past. And somewhat my presence. My wife, in high school. I waited to hear what She would say that asked for this ploy.

"I ask you again. Did you get nothing from it?"

"I got a peripheral experience." I nearly pouted. "I knew you were there, but they saw you."

"And what did my presence bring them?"

"Confidence that they were right." I replied.

"What did it bring you?"

"Jealousy."

"Is that all? Did you not also feel reassured that I was there?" She gave me that look that my wife so often gives me. The pin-you-to-the-wall, you-can't-lie-to-me look. "Was there anything else beyond that?"

I thought for a moment, but She spoke before I could come up with an answer. A question that surprised me. "Was there not also anger? Did you not have a reason for your anger?"

"I was angry that they had such a gift before them and such opportunity and they threw it away and corrupted those who would learn from them." I answered.

"So you brought it all down." She began changing again as we stood there. "You freed those who desired to learn from the corruption they offered. You changed nothing for the others, they just moved on. You found a connection to me deeper than before in that moment. You served me. You did it without question and without hesitation."

She walked away and through all of Her changing forms the sadness stood out. I couldn't help but stare for a moment at the circle in the distance.

"Why can't you teach me?" I demanded. "Why must I figure this out on my own? Don't I need someone to dance with?"

The sky lightened for a moment and she looked at me with a smile that nearly melted my bones. "You do learn."

"I try." I replied, somewhat confused. "But I haven't answered anything."

"Can't you dance with me?" She asked.

I didn't have to say no. She didn't have to ask why, because She knew I couldn't answer.

"Do you suppose people file into an auditorium and wait patiently for someone to learn ballet and entertain them?" She asked.

"No."

"The dance comes first, you can't get a dance partner if you can't dance."

"So if I learn how to dance, the church will follow?" I asked.

"Learn. When you learn how to dance, the church will already be there."

Not Restarting The Debate

2006-09-25T02:14:00.000-04:00

I found it interesting that Bill Maher visited the same topic as I started the most recent firestorm with here. In particular, it was one of his muslim guests who really pushed the thought process I had that religion created a field for hate. They addressed it better than I did. Specifically the fact that God may not demand hatred and violence, but God does leave a gap in which He is not specifically speaking to us as humans and so we fill in the gaps our own way. This isn't religion's fault. Many of these religions don't teach this violence, but they create a nice little breeding ground for it. Thus was the conclusion they drew.

As I said, I am not revisiting the argument, just pointing out that someone may have addressed the topic better. Or maybe not. After all it is a different format. He sets off an angry firestorm and he might lose his show. I do so and I get a response. Maybe we both succeeded. (By the way, I have a new reason to be annoyed at that conversation tapering off. It didn't make the largest number of comments. There is one post from a year ago that hit 40 comments, and worse it did so because of Chris P.)

If you have the opportunity to catch the encore of tonight's show, it might be worthwhile. If not, that's life, or something close to it.

Mabon

2006-09-23T02:10:00.000-04:00

Today is Mabon. A Sabatt (for all of my other studies I promise to one day remember how many b's and t's that word has) that falls on the vernal equinox.

The vernal equinox is the day in the fall when the daylight and darkness are equal. From here on out the days will be getting shorter. This is a harvest festival. The primary harvest festival at that. For those of you unfamiliar with the holiday, it is very much akin to the much later festival of thanksgiving. Not so much for the portion of giving thanks, although that applies. Moreso by nature of tradition. This is a time to drag out the best outfits and gather to celebrate the abundance of food and the presence of family and friends.

The year winds down and we settle in for winter. This is kind of the last hurrah in that respect. The last time to be a little lavish (within means) before battening down the hatches for the long cold nights.

This is a time to stock the tables and the larders. This is a time to gather herbs and make wine. This is also a time to take stock as the Sun God goes to rest and soon the Goddess will do the same. The days shorten and the Goddess prepares to traverse the worlds, but on this day we still celebrate. We celebrate the harvest, we celebrate the coming time of regeneration. We celebrate our own strength, both personal and through our real and chosen families. We demonstrate that we have the strength and means to make it through the coming months.

And so we continue on. The seasons change and we observe and participate in this experiment called life, or something close to it.

Religion In Every Day Life

2006-09-20T00:53:00.000-04:00

Some religions require prayer at multiple points throughout the day. Some requiring gathering with others in worship on one day out of the week, or on special Holy Days. Some require tithing, or adherence to certain dietary restrictions.

What do all of the above have in common? They are ways to attempt to mold religion, and your experience with your God/dess, in some way with your day to day life. Why? Because in many ways, even to the most devout, our religions and spiritual experiences don't directly corrolate with our daily lives.

Sure, you may think to give thanks to the Goddess if something with extremely low odds happens that is beneficial to you at the time. One of these miracles that can also be referred to as incredibly favorable coincedence. What about the rest of our lives though? When you work hard on a project for work and your work pays off, do you offer thanks to the Goddess? Some might, but why? After all, you reaped the rewards of your own work. Your hard work, perserverance and intelligence resulted in your success. From that perspective, the only reason to give Her thanks would be to thank Her for not sabotaging it. But why would you expect that She would? Why would you think She even took an active concern about this project of yours? (Unless of course you asked Her to. Then, depending on what it was, She just might have. Or She might not have.)

The fact of the matter is that we live in a day and age where most of what we accomplish, most of what we do, has nothing to do with our religion. It has nothing to do with our Gods. It is just part of the life that we live. It doesn't necessarily stand opposed to our religious doctrine or commands from Deity. It is just separate from our worship and communion. Is this wrong? I don't think so.

The problem then becomes how do we keep our faith alive on a daily basis if we don't work in a religious capacity? How does an accountant keep the Goddess deeply rooted in her daily life? How does she keep the Goddess from being relegated to special days when it is time to think about Her again?

This is where some of the things mentioned above come into play. Even they fall short at times though. If you worship one day out of the week, how do you keep your God a part of your life for the other six days? If you have dietary restrictions, how do you keep your God present in your life when you aren't eating? The truth is that however much time you devote out of your day to your Deity, you sooner or later come to the question of what is going on the rest of the time.

If there are these portions when your God/dess is not the primary focus, or any focus whatsoever, is this acceptable? Are there little ways and reminders that help us out along the way?

There are various things you can try. I wear a pentagram around my neck, but it is under my shirt so nobody tends to notice. It is so commonplace for me that I don't even think about it during the day. Many times I don't think much about it when I put it on or take it off either. There are many days when it is just jewelry.

There is also one tattooed on my arm. This I tend only to see when I am in the shower. It is no constant reminder. It hasn't been since a week or two after it was placed there when the skin had healed and I couldn't remember what it looked like to not have it there. This is not to say that the necklace and the tattoo don't serve their purposes, but they are not red flags during the day.

Some of you are familiar with some other suggestions I have thrown out there from time to time, more focused on communication. Waking up every morning and saying good morning to the Lord and the Lady and telling them you love them takes little time out of your day. Nor does it keep your mind focused on them for the rest of the day.

This could in fact be a good thing, because that means your mind is focused on what it is you need to do, which as I have indicated above may have nothing to do with your religion.

I guess the question that I am posing is, do we need to focus more than the casual thought on a daily basis on our spirituality? Do we need to draw a greater spiritual presence into our life than just when we go to church, temple or circle? Or when we teach Sunday school or lead the worship team? Do you feel we are expected simply to live our lives right and give that extra focus at such specific times (or on other joyful or painful special occasions), or are we expected to fully make our God/dess part of every moment. If the latter, how do you feel this could be accomplished, and are you succeeding?

Just some thoughts on religion and every day life, or something close to it.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

2006-09-17T08:44:00.000-04:00

I finally won the damn Saturday tournament at Turning Stone casino.

No limit hold 'em, $90 buy in, 130-odd players, pays 16 places, $2,814 first place.

I say finally because I have played in that tournament and failed to cash three times and was starting to feel a bit frozen out of it. You win when you feel like you'll win and when you think you'll lose, you usually do, and I was starting to feel like I'd lose int hat tournament.

I played almost perfectly all day long. I was keeping a high level of aggression (betting my good hands, cutting off draws, bluffing down pots when I sensed I could, and continuation betting) without becoming reckless at all, and I made several very important lay-downs and at least one pivotal "just call"s when an opponent with pocket eights flopped a full house but slowplayed it until I made a full house with my pocket sevens on the river, I bet it, he raised, and I was about to push all-in with fewer chips than he had but got the read that he had a monster so I "just call"ed and thus was still in the tournament. One of the best laydowns I made was with pocket aces against a flop of Jc Ts 4d, which would seem to be a great board, but one player called a small raise from the button and raised from $1,000 to $2,500 and I just knew he had JT for two-pair, so I folded but someone else called him and by the showdown, his two pair would still have been good versus my aces and he had exactly JT, just like I thought.

I was never all-in all tournament long, and I never had 50% of my stack committed in a pot.

Continuation betting and controlled bluffing probably accounted for how I got about 70% of my stack at any given point.

By the first break I was the second-biggest stack with around $25,000, by the second break I was the chip leader with $90,000, and when they consolidated the last two tables to make the final table I was the chip leader with $199,000 while the next biggest was $120,000.

I bullied the final table as assertively (aggressively but not recklessly) as I could, and wound up with over $400,000 in chips. When it was down to six, the other players all had around $50,000 apiece to my nearly half-million and wanted to chop. I of course told them that was impossible as I was nearly guaranteed to win, so they decided to give me the first place prize and divide what was left between themselves. Since I'd be getting the same prize either way and since it was guaranteed this way, and since it's what everyone else wanted to do, I agreed, and as the last person at the table nodded his assent to this deal, I shot my first into the air and yelled "Yes!" having just won the tournament.

Everyone looked at me oddly but I explained that I had indeed won the tournament and they all realized it was perfectly justified.

They each got around $950 and I got the $2,814 first place. The dealer and the deale we had before, and the floor supervisor all shook my hand and said things like "Great tournament," or "You played great," o "You played like a champion," or other great things for them to say, which is a drastic difference from when I won $1,100 for first place in the Tuesday night tournament at Seneca Niagara and they handed me a paperclip full of cash and walked away wordlessly, without even second-place still there to shake my hand or anything. Even though I'd won, I still felt sad that night cause no one was there to recognize me for it.

Then I accomplished the hardest thing of all, I took the money and walked past the blackjack tables straight to the parking lot and went home without throwing it all away.

This tournament lasted five hours. My MP3 player holds about an hour and 20 minutes of music (it's from the 90s). Having listened to each song at least four times made me take some of the momey and buy a 1GB mp3 player (I insisted upon non-Apple merchandise as I hate that company, all it's products, and all it's software) that will hold eight times as much music. It cost ninety bucks, but it is my official trophy or this tournament. I paid $1,000 to my parents, to whom I owe a low of money, and that leaves $1,600 for me to pay a speeding ticket and stake myself for more poker.

I'm going again today, I still feel like I'm on fire after having beaten the game at 1/2 NL Friday night and winning the tournament yesterday morning, and I'll see if I can press on.

A Mother's Life

2006-09-17T04:32:00.000-04:00

For those of you who know her, and others who have a curiousity, my wife posted on her blog again. It is reachable through the link on my sidebar with the same name as this post. She recapped the months that she has been missing in a somewhat humorous fashion, and has assured me that she really means it when she says she plans on posting more regularly again.

So that is the update on a mother's life, or something close to it.

You Don't Know Me

2006-09-13T02:33:00.000-04:00

The title should be obvious to about 90% of you. The few people who know me in real life should equally know that it is mostly false for them.

People that blog should be aware that they only get a small portion of the individual that they observe on the blogs. Yet this often gets lost in the actual actions of communicating in this forum. As such, among other things, you can have seemingly wonderful blog relationships that die in a moment. If you haven't noticed this, scroll back a post or two for an example. (It's the one with the insane number of comments.) I am assuming to some extent as two of the conversations haven't resolved and I don't plan on instigating the end of these relationships. I may be accused of being the one to do so, but this blog is open to both, and short of a direct demand I will still visit and comment on theirs.

Yet the nature of the turn of both of these conversations somewhat surprised me and led me to post about this. This is the most serious the conversation has turned, and the turn on both of their parts shocked me. They declare I ended the conversation while I saw it in full stride. Correct me if I am wrong, Lisa and MC, but those that know me in real life would not have interpreted and excess antagonism and/or ending of dialogue in what went down there.

Further, what bothered me about the turn of conversation is the underlying facts of why I came online, this time and several others, to be confronted with these accusations.

Let me tell you a little about myself. (I often use this line on stage, and it means not that I am going to get too personal, but rather lead you along a line I want you to follow. Little difference here.) I am a standup comedian as part of my complex non-blog life. I haven't shared this before because there has never been a reason to, and there have been reasons not to. A man who makes a living off of telling jokes, being a smart ass, and making shit up is not a person your subconscious mind is going to take seriously. Silliness, as any of you have made a living doing anything know that when you leave work you don't always bring it with you. Contrary to mythos, a comedian is capable of being serious, and off stage we are all too often. Still, being a minister and a comedian would leave a sour taste in people's mouths. (Odd since both help to ease suffering and bring joy to people's lives).

I took a two year hiatus from the stage due to personal health issues, then my wife's pregnancy, then her health issues. I have recently begun to return to the scene. The few difficulties, and the overwhelming lack thereof will not be part of todays post. Because all of this was setting the stage for what is important.

In my return I was almost immediately offered opportunities to open for greater talents, some of whom were my par a few years ago and didn't take a break, some of which are much higher up but I knew from my travels. A few left the stage and began promoting. (One of which has offered to give me some great material that is his, provided I perform on a couple of his stages.) Besides the boost of realizing I have been far from forgotten by those whom I have worked with in the past, I realized something a lot more practical to me. I can wheel and deal and get them to play for me in return.

Now I am no promoter, and don't plan to be, but what I am setting up is temporary and charity. (The latter having a draw of its own.) I plan to hit a couple of spots around town in a running charity bit to raise money for the MS Society. (I am not declaring an event, I haven't talked to them yet.) I am working on setting the shows up, though, with some of the bigger named connections I have made along the way.

Actually, the above parenthetical is one of the main points I have been planning on getting to. I have to coordinate with them for this. Which means contact and discussion. Things I haven't done yet because I am busy getting into this conversation about the post I referenced above every time I sign on, then I am worked up and I forget for a moment.

I forget that which I was setting up for selfish reasons. To find a cure for my wife. To help not only her, but all patients with MS. A noble cause. To do it through laughter even grander. But my priorities are on a balance like anyone else's, and I take the conversations regarding my posts very seriously. To have put aside the preparations for something like this to discuss with you folks, and be accused of ending the discussion. Of being a bigot or a hatemonger, when I am just trying to communicate. I have to say that hurts.

I imagine they, as I, will realize it is irrelevant enough that it doesn't matter if you believe or not. If they didn't see it such, Lisanocerous and MC could easily look into and confirm the fact that my wife can't move the left side of her body tonight. Hasn't had any feeling in that side for nearly a week. It is a flareup, and a bad one at that. As my wife has lain in bed, getting what sleep she can while her body rebelled against her due to lesions on her brain, I have prioritized. I have realized the MS Walk is a little ways away, and I can pull shit together later. My wife is upstairs, but mostly asleep and can deal without my presence a little longer. For now, I respond to this, which I think matters. A dialogue that is open and raw.

What do I find? You accuse me of foul play. After being open with you. After catering to you on your own blogs while trying to help. After sacrificing to pay attention to these matters that should draw a deeper understanding? Some of you become devisive and underhanded. Try cheap attacks that work only because I do care and I have tried.

Congratulations. I have sacrificed for more who care not. I don't regret it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Not your problem, though. Go on with your life, or something close to it.

The Harvest Moon

2006-09-07T23:34:00.000-04:00

The Harvest moon became full today at 2:41pm EDT. It rose over Rochester, NY at 7:41pm EDT on September 7th, and will set at 7:38am EDT the following day.

It rose over Farmington, NM at 7:42pm MDT and will set at 7:48am MDT on September 8th. (It became full at 12:41pm MDT on the seventh.)

The Harvest moon is so named because we are now into the more significant portion of the harvest season. The full moon being useful to help shed some light for people who would continue to work into the evening, as well as again being a seasonal reminder. I could go well into the questions of mythology that led to this name, but is often the case, I think the reason was relatively obvious to begin with.

The next new moon will be on September 22 at 7:46am Eastern Daylight time.
The next full moon will be on October 6th at 11:12pm Eastern Daylight time.
The next Sabbat will be on September 23rd. The Autumnul Equinox, otherwise known as Mabon.

There are your lunar details for the month. You may return to earth and to your life, or something close to it.

A slight correction

2006-09-03T00:51:00.000-04:00

Actually, THIS is the picture I drew of Wanderer.

The Requirement of Hatred

2006-09-02T01:15:00.000-04:00

You can probably tell by the title that the vein of this post is a bit more on the serious side. As such, I suggest that you skip past it for just a moment to check out the pictures of Emily and the caricature drawn by MC before you return to this more serious work.

I am watching a lot of the big issues going on in our region and in the world and realizing that there is an underlying aspect of one of the primary issues of the last few months both regionally and nationally that many people may be missing.

The issues in mind? Locally, the banning of a book by our local school district that was originally an optional part of the reading list:

Also locally, a science teacher is undergoing transgender surgery and the parents are in an uproar. Nationally, there are many issues, a primary one being the marriage ban. This is where you all collectively feel shocked that I am talking about gay rights again. Guess again. I am talking about religion. More shocking.

Why is it that this issue can be so huge? Because of the nature of man. To the best of my knowledge, man is the only creature that hates. Man is the only creature that kills its own species for their own amusement. Man is the only creature that tortures its own species for its own amusement. Man is the only one that does either of these things to other species for the same reason. Examples of our higher level of evolution.

We have hate people for being regionally removed. We have hated them for skin color or ethnic background. We have hated them for many reasons. However, most of these wouldn't hold under normal circumstances. The crossing of borders and intellectual development would present the fallacies and prevent any but the most ignorant to hold to these positions. Why then does great hatred continue? Religion allows it to be so.

Some of you may feel bashed, but I focus on that which I know well, and I haven't had the in depth studies into others quite to the level of the one which I reference. My understanding is that many major religions follow suit, but you Christians get to feel pinned to the board again.

Why? Because Jesus preached hatred. Maybe not intentionally (although whether he could have done so unintentionally is a whole other debate) but he did, and I will tell you how.

He taught that there was a heaven. When you are done with the crap you have to deal with here, there is an afterlife where it will be all better. How can it be better if it involves all of the same people whom I deal with now? (Unless God steps in as a referee up there to make everyone happy, but that begs the question of why He doesn't do so now.) This isn't the case, though. This is the crux of the teachings. Not everyone gets to heaven.

Well why not? Why do some go and others don't? Is it pre-ordained that some of us are deficient? That we play here and then we are done? If that is the case, can you at least tell us which ones it is, so those of us who are screwed can at least have fun now?

No, the thing is that we have the good people and the bad people. The good people make it, the bad don't. Oh, and that whole teaching about good people despising evil ways, even as God despises the evil actions of those who are not fit.

So there is good and there is evil. In order for the good to be comfortable they have to be able to point to the evil. The problem is that there is no decent bastion of evil to point to. Yeah, we have murderer's and rapists, but they are so few and so hard to peg. We need a group of people. The Christians are running out. Race isn't a good reason anymore. They aren't even allowed to hate those pesky muslims that hate them. But who are they still allowed? The gays. They certainly are going to hell. It says so clearly in the bible. Thou shalt not lie with a man like you lie with a woman. Means the lesbians are safe, but the gay men are screwed. Wait, that comes from the same writings that ban pork, shellfish, and going to temple on the same day you take a shit. Yet, some of these have been declared outdated. Sorry, you can't pick and choose. If the laws have been retracted, they have been retracted. Unless you can point to better specifics. Jesus did say not to worry about what you put in your body. So the food thing isn't an issue anymore. Nor is who you have sex with.

In reality Jesus abolished the old and brought the new rules. But I am not even trying to teach whether he approves of it. Whether this is the one thing that held from the old testament just because a deified letter writer (first commandment anyone? Oh, right, the abolished law...) declared it was still horrible, while none of the rest of it was. Maybe he was the wise one, seeing the problem that now exists well after his time.

You see, they are the only ones left to hate, and hatred is an important teaching of the Christian faith. If we don't have some evil to hate, it dilutes the appearance of Satan in this world and folks might think, maybe I have him licked and don't have to pay for the new church wing after all.

How does the church hold this hatred going strong? Because it doesn't have to be rational. No rational being can present a complaint against the homosexuals. Except abstracts from some biblical teaching which their own example shows should be disregarded. No, they hold against it because with God at their back they don't have to be rational. "I may sound like an idiot, but I am just going by what God says. He's the idiot. Not me."

But it isn't that. You see, God's ways are a mystery. The fact that following a God who's rationale is compromised and unreadable from our point of view is pointless and futile isn't important. Why? Because He said so.

And so circular logic allows us to hate and destroy our fellow man. To be divisive, when the alternative would be a cohesive relationship where we could focus our hatred more productively. We could hate those who shelter a fugitive who has now shot three of our state troopers, and the latest two may not survive. We can hate the mentality that allows people to prey on the weak. We could focus this hatred into a fight to end it. We could hate poverty and hunger, and focus on these. We could put the hate aside and just focus on betterment of ourselves. None of this works for the Christian church though. It doesn't point us clearly to those sinners that we are better than. It doesn't give a warm fuzzy feeling, because we know who is going to hell by the people they love.

No, the fight rages on because the church could not survive an acceptance of homosexuals. Not because of the breach in morality. (I still challenge you to find a verse that points to this being a breach without making you hypocritical or heretical.) No, because if you didn't have anyone to hate, any evil to point to, the great and powerful Oz, um, church wouldn't have a purpose anymore. It couldn't point the way to heaven. If there were no staunch evils for you to feel better than, you would spend too much time wondering if you made the cut, and the church couldn't help you answer that.

Here is a novel idea. Whether real or not, drop the afterlife hopes and bullshit. Drop the hell threats and related bullshit as well. Live for now. Defend your fellow man. Consider humanity first. If your God can fault you in the end for being defensive of your own race, your God sucks. He condemns you for being what you are, and this is not someone you are liable to win with no matter what you try. Care for those around you and make this world better for everyone. Won't it be a surprise when you realize that the summerlands aren't somewhere ethereal, but here waiting for you to create them?

Just some thoughts about the fucked up side of life, or something close to it.

More Pictures

2006-09-02T00:17:00.000-04:00

Here are the rest of the pictures I promised you from a few days ago. (See post below this one for the artwork MC provided for me the other day.)

Here is a picture from a couple of weeks ago of Emily walking with her mother.

Here are a few pictures I took at IHOP when we took Emily and her cousin Alexa out to breakfast for Emily's birthday:

Another picture of her favorite toy:

Her "Pretty Girl" shirt Martha had to buy her because that is what my father always calls Emily:

Some pink tissue paper captured while I was trying to get a picture of her impression of her present:

And the baby surveying the carnage she had created:

And there is another pictorial journal of my daughter's life, or something close to it.

Caricature

2006-09-02T00:05:00.000-04:00

This is a caricature drawn of me by MC while he was bored at work. I am rather fond of it myself. Not that I would be likely to frame it or anything (after all, where would I hang it) but I will hang it on the wall I hang my other favorite pictures on. (That would be here folks.) Thus is a cartoon representation of my life, or something close to it.

Birthday and Baptism

2006-08-27T19:46:00.000-04:00

I didn't actually post on her birthday, but Emily turned one on August 24th of this year. It is amazing looking back at the original posts on this blog which were written in preparation for her birth, and comments about new fatherhood afterward. It is crazy to realize that a year has passed. It has been quite a journey, and one that will continue I am sure. Today we baptised her and celebrated her birthday and her baptism at my parents' house with family and friends. Which means, of course, that you folks get more pictures.

First an unrelated picture, that is just Emily in a high chair:

Here we have a frame that her Godparents gave her, with a little blessing to their Godchild (I know the picture isn't great, remember these all come from a camera phone):

Then we have the pictures of her eating her cupcake:

Finally we have her playing with her new favorite toy. The one daddy picked out:

Blogger is being a pain in the ass again, and won't let me put the rest of the pictures up yet. When I get it to play nice again, there will be more from today and a few from when we took her out to breakfast on her birthday. In the mean time you are out of luck. That's life, or something close to it.

When In Rome

2006-08-23T16:34:00.000-04:00

Nickle Creek has a song (When in Rome) that has a line "But I'm gonna bet they never really feel at home, if they spent a lifetime learning how to live in Rome."

I have spent a considerable amount of time reflecting on these lyrics. Hours when I had started this post. Weeks now. As such I came away with several different takes on this, from several different view points.

I wonder about this question in conjunction with the growth of our youth. As schools and parents create an environment that shelters them from the real world. So that when they reach the real world they do not understand it. They are conditioned to think certain things matter that don't, and not prepared for what does. Of course they take part of what they learn in school with them (large parts I hope, if you include academia, but this isn't what I refer to) and they enter the "real world." The parts they take are the need to be a part of the "in" crowd. A need to socialize with a group of people who consider them relevant, and avoid those that don't. A need to do what "they" say we should do, not realizing that "they" are listening to some other "them" and may only be saying it because it is what they are supposed to. We do what the magazines say is important. We model our lives based on what celebrities do. We become fascinated with "reality" tv shows that aren't realistic. We build our lives around the principle that "when in Rome..." Without taking stock of the fact that we aren't. We create ideals that aren't practical or may not even be practical. We do this way too often instead of living our lives.

I thought about this from a religious perspective. So what if I follow the Christian tenets that so much of what exists in this life that is enjoyable, and not damaging in any way, must be avoided because it has been forbidden? I train myself to live in Rome, while I am still waking and sleeping in Rochester. For what? What can this bring me? A feeling of loss? A recognition that if I live by these rules I don't belong where I am? The recognition that I am not at home here? And why go through this? Because someone said that if I did I might get to Rome one day?

Some of you might claim that the important thing that I leave out here is that by following this lifestyle and these rules, I will get to Rome one day. Even if this is the case, here is the problem. In my theoretical scenario here, I have trained on these principles in a completely different environment. Here many of these requirements are struggles. Against my own nature. Against my environment. In Rome, the environment is conducive to the rules and the life. This won't be what I have been doing. I have been learning how to live in Rome, when in truth it has been Rochester all along. Here it will have been a struggle and a sacrifice. There it is not. In short, living in Rome here would be so completely different from doing it there. So what happens? The prize is that I am uncomfortable, and don't feel at home there either?

Of course there is another possibility. Perhaps this eternal "Rome" will not be so different. Perhaps the impulse and temptation and etc... will still be there. I don't think anybody preaches this, but if it is the case, the upside would be that we would feel more at home. It would make even less sense, and would appeal to a few less people, that the struggles would begin anew in this heaven. That we had struggles just to face more struggles. Less sense, but a little more consistent.

This can be taken on a few more tangents, but the basic point has been laid out. Some serious analysis of a short line in a short song. Still, I for one will spend little time trying to live in Rome. My wife and daughter are here in Rochester. That's life, or something close to it.

Posting

2006-08-22T19:59:00.000-04:00

MC pointed out that he is probably not the only one that is sick of coming around and seeing the same post about the Corn Moon. I imagine he is probably correct. He has more of a basis than the rest of you as he can also see the draft that has been sitting here since the day after that. I have been busy with little time to myself. Not an excuse. Just an explanation. I will probably post at least that one tonight, but if not then tomorrow when I will be off earlier from work and hopefully not so worn out by it. I know it has been a while, but if any of you are still reading this, don't worry. More is to come. I have had plenty of ideas and little time. I hope to rectify that soon and get back to checking out the various sites I have neglected lately.

Until then, carry on with your life, or something close to it.

Corn Moon

2006-08-09T00:48:00.000-04:00

The Corn Moon became full at 6:53am EDT on August 9th, but did not rise over Rochester until 8:53pm EDT. It will set at 7:25am EDT.

It rose over Farmington, NM at 8:45 pm MDT and will set at 7:44am MDT on August 10th.

The Corn Moon derives its name from the harvest season for the plant in question, somewhat thrown off one way or the other depending on your region. As such, this moon has little in relationship to religious circumstances, and more in tune with simple natural issues at hand.

When I come back to this shortly, as I presume I will, I will add the information of upcoming moon cycles and etc... For now I am just going to go to bed.

There you have your moon data in regards to this moment in life, or something close to it.

The Standing With Israel Banner

2006-08-08T13:31:00.000-04:00

Some of you may have noticed that I recently had a banner that said "I stand with Israel" on my blog and it has sense vanished. This does not reflect a wishy washy position on my part as to what is going on over there. Rather, one of the people who visited my blog followed the link attached to the banner, and having also done so myself and investigated the blog it came from, I removed the banner. I stand with Israel, but not with that blog. If any of you more technologically savvy people out there might have the no how to create a similar such banner and would care to share with me, or know of one that already exists that won't link to a blog I object to, then I will return it. In the meantime, the blog is back as it was.

MC also had a complaint regarding the banner, on a technical level, so to him I will say: The banner wasn't fucking up my sidebar. It was your quiz again. You have to adjust the width on those things, since most of them have a width of 600 which is too wide to allow my sidebar room. So, I edited the code on one of your quizzes again. (BTW that is what I meant by the picture being outside of the cellspacing, I adjusted the width of your quiz last time as well, it just didn't fix it until I ditched the picture.)

So, that is the technical side of life, or something close to it.

I am Wanderer's Filthy Taint

2006-08-06T06:05:00.000-04:00

You scored as His filthy taint.

His filthy taint

100%

His tiny, shriveled penis

His disgusting asshole

His duodenum.

What part of Wanderer's anatomy are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

My Score

2006-08-05T05:55:00.000-04:00

You scored as Professional. You're a great player, winning consistently, who doesn't let his emotions get in the way of his game. You don't tilt and poker's nothing personal to you. Keep it up, dude, you're going to be a champion.

Professional

96%

World-Class Champion

71%

Small-timer

67%

Intermediate

50%

Fish

42%

Douchebag wannabe

13%

Amateur

What type of poker player are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

What can I say, MC? I am good at tests. That's life, or something close to it.

I wouldn't steal Wanderer's bit, but I made this.

2006-08-05T02:38:00.000-04:00

You scored as Small-timer. You're a rounder. Stay away from those big cliffs and just keep grinding it out. Tortoise and the hare, baby. It doesn't matter you can't afford that Beamer, you haven't worked in years but the rent gets paid.

Small-timer

83%

Professional

83%

World-Class Champion

75%

Amateur

25%

Fish

21%

Intermediate

21%

Douchebag wannabe

What type of poker player are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

You Know You've Been Waiting For It.

2006-08-04T03:22:00.000-04:00

It's another quiz! I found it here.

You scored as Anarchism. <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'>

Anarchism

100%

Green

67%

Communism

67%

Democrat

67%

Fascism

67%

Socialist

58%

Nazi

Republican

What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
created with QuizFarm.com

Apparently I am an anarchist. I am not sure this test is very scientifically reliable. For one, I am two thirds each nearly everything else. For another thing, look at some of the questions.

Anywho, here is an apparent snapshot of my political thoughts about life, or something close to it.

Interesting Thoughts On An Execution

2006-08-03T04:32:00.000-04:00

There was a bit of discussion on a number of Pagan blogs in regards to the execution of Michael Lenz for the murder of a fellow inmate. I will confess I only did peripheral research on the case itself, as he had already been executed by the time I saw it, and the case itself wasn't what interested me. It was the conversation about it.

There were the usual (and relatively valid) concerns about the religion of Asatru and Pagan religions in general being dragged through the mud in the reporting of this case. There was speculation as to how the bid for clemency from a Pagan would be answered by a Catholic Governor. There was consideration about how to weigh the question of support for clemency of a fellow Pagan against punishment for a heinous crime.

This last bit stirred up memories of many other cases where I witnessed similar thought processes being brought up. Loyalty. Supporting clemency for a fellow Pagan? Because they are a Pagan? This makes no sense. Are we supposed to be so fiercely loyal then? We have laws for a reason, but anyone who fits into the same, very broad, group of religions as we do is to be automatically exempted from these laws?

Now I will be the first to agree that there are many Pagan issues we should all band together on. The headstone campaign. Discrimination issues. These are things we should definitely support our fellow Pagans on. The right to murder another inmate? I think that would be a stretch if it actually fit into the tenets of his religion. Moreso since it doesn't.

Perhaps this is one reason why it is good that as a whole, we Pagans are a highly disorganized lot. It would keep us from looking a lot more foolish if we staged rallies for things like this. Then again, maybe things like the above mentioned headstone campaign might not take so long to accomplish if we had some larger organized entity. After all, when some one or few Pagans get some crazy idea in their head to march on Washington to make Beltane a federal holiday, nobody really notices. When some one or few Christians get it in their head to ammend the constitution to interfere with the personal lives of people whose relationships don't affect them in the slightest....

I would like to end by pointing out that, if you read the post within which the support of a fellow Pagan was mentioned, you will see that there is no clear evidence of the thought process I am arguing against here. It simply reminded me of the question, and I thought: Wouldn't it be great if I had some kind of forum through which I could voice whatever thoughts came to mind?

Just some early morning reflections on life, or something close to it.

Another Picture

2006-08-01T14:13:00.000-04:00

And here is lady Emily lounging about and enjoying life, or something close to it.

Empty Totems

2006-08-01T00:21:00.000-04:00

A whole room full of memories can be a difficult thing to pack up when you're leaving. For one thing, you've got all the grief to carry around.

I pick up a stuffed cow and toss it into a cold cardboard box. That cow was a gift from a friend, kind of a half-and-half gag gift and meaningful sentiment. I'd made some comparison to the cow as my mascot animal, and she'd gotten me the cow months later. I was always amazed that she'd remembered.

I pick up a picture of myself and two of my best friends in tuxedoes, arms around each other's shoulders, a real Three Musketeers sort of pose. I'm on the right side; it strikes me funny to see myself to one side and not in the center, it doesn't seem in character for me. The man in the center either is getting married or has just gotten married; it's difficult to remember. I remember the feeling between the other man and myself, how we kept saying "It'll never be the same." but after far more years of having it this way than we had of that, it wouldn't be the same to go back. I wonder how it'll turn out for them. Not only the two friends in the picture, but the wife as well. Everyone thought reality would shatter them in months, even his mother, but after years and years, trial after crushing trial, there they are, somewhere out there. The picture goes in the box.

Next is a cardboard box with an unassembled model car inside. It's a 1992 Firebird snap-together model, a present from another friend of mine who was scared to death to give it to me. He'd bought it to honor the car I loved before I had totaled it, but hadn't had a chance to give it to me until I'd done it. He wasn't sure how I'd react and he was always afraid of me. I smile as I remember the cautious way he tiptoed on eggshells around me, and feel a pang of regret for allowing him to consider himself bullied all that time, though I'd never actively done it. The model goes in the box.

I turn, and accidentally knock over a little square of plastic. I pick it up and I recognize the scene from Mario Bros., where a magnet on either side of the plastic held on a little Mario figure that you could position as you pleased on the frame, which was made to look like the screen you'd see if you were playing the game. This was a casual token presented by one of my other best friends, a man of intense contradiction. I'd never met someone so smart who put as much effort into concealing and trying to erase his intelligence as he did. He had a huge chip on his shoulder. He wouldn't put effort into improving his life, and you couldn't make him. I sit down, and turn the piece around in my hand for a while, thinking of all the extremes and contradictions he embodied. On the one hand, he always made me feel included and respected; when we were roommates, he'd call from work and tell me what he was going to do or when he'd be home, or we'd plan something to do. On the other hand, I always felt alienated around him. I didn't like marijuana, but it consumed his free time. Video games seemed to define his history and present, but I was better at most of them. He surrounded himself with other potheads who wouldn't try, either in this context or any other, and he felt good about himself. The toy goes in the box.

I've gotten most of this room packed. The only things left are the things on my walls. I take down my associate's degrees, and put them in the box. I take down the bachelor's I finally got in 2007, two years after I got out of the Army, four years after I got my second associate's, and nine years after I started out at that stupid community college, feeling like a big shot because I was only fifteen, feeling like a nothing because I was only fifteen. I took down my master's degree. I read it to myself. "Mark McMahon, Master of Business." I grimaced. I have always resented this degree because I knew the whole year I was working on it that it was the death knell on most of my life. I knew it would take me away from Rochester. I knew it would make a lot of my friends resent me. I knew it would only magnify the many gulfs that allready existed between me and anyone else at that point. With the attainment of this degree, I now had absolutely nothing in common with anyone. I put the degrees in the box.

I made sure I hadn't packed my ticket to Boston. I was going to become the director of human resourcesfor an insurance company. I'd have an office, subordinates, a nice fat paycheck, and an empty life. I thought about how hard I worked to finish my B.S. with a high enough GPA to go to the Harvard Business school, all the unpaid internship at that company it took me to have enough history to qualify for such a high position... all of that for this. For a reason to leave behind everything and everyone I knew. To follow the course laid out for me, like a mindless sheep. That really, really bothered me.

I headed downstairs to the kitchen. I poured myself a shot of tequila, and held it aloft. To no one in particular, I said "Here's to you." I knew who I meant. I drank it, and chewed a lemon. The bitterness and the burn from the liquor went great with anguish.

I wondered if there was a way I could get someone to come with me. it was kind of short notice, but maybe I could throw money at them, or get them to come later. Maybe... no. No one can come with me. I was trying to reach the moon without taking my hand off the railing of the shuttle gangplank. I couldn't take home with me.

How could I leave so much behind? If I can't build bridges from my past to my future, then maybe that means I can't reach that future, not that I must abandon my past.

I sat and I thought. I drank, and I smoked. I worried, and I stifled a tear. I tried to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing; I'd found a great condo, I had met a girl there, I was going to be all set. I wasn't convinced. Something about the boxes kept coming to mind. How do I bring all these items, these shrines to my experiences and acquaintances, with me from one life to a completely different one? Without the people from which these things were borne, they become shallow, lifeless trinkets. Empty totems of lives divergent. It was a masquerade; trying to prove that the two halves of my life could be contiguous by surrounding the start of the new age with the relics of the old, like a socket into which new beginnings could be plugged. It wasn't right, though. No amoun of gris-gris could bind together a very real fracture. The hollowness of the attempt repulsed me, and I hated myself for pursuing it so automatically.

I thought.

No, the trinkets and reminders and silhouettes of what was would all stay here. They could not come with me any more than the people and ways I was leaving behind could. I was crossing over, and I had to do it alone. But could I really cross over when I'd allready arranged everything for when I arrive on the other side? Was it any different? I was leaving the safety and comfort of my home and circle for the safety and comfort of the known. It all reduced and cancelled out, and what I was left with was the known. This couldn't be.

The boxes stay.

I picked up the phone, and called a number. I checked the clock quickly to make sure they'd still be there.

"This is Mark McMahon. I won't be taking the job."

I hung up, then picked it back up and called another number.

"This is Mark McMahon. Can you change a plane ticket to Boston to somewhere else, like Moscow, or Vegas, or Dublin, or Tokyo?" The discussion went on. I wrote down pertinent information, folded up the paper, and put it in my pocket.

I started to write a note explaining, but I stopped. This wasn't right either. More gris-gris. More empty totems.

I left my backpack and suitcases on the floor where they were, and I left the house. I got in my car, and I drive, and I couldn't help but watch the house recede into the distance. It'd be the last time I saw it. It would be the last time the house would see me. No one from this city or life would see me again. Everything was over.

Everything was over.

Only now could anything new begin.

Lughnassadh

2006-08-01T00:19:00.000-04:00

We have circled around again to Lughnassadh. Lughnassadh, also known as Lammas, is the first of the three harvest festivals. Many traditions abound surrounding this holiday, the most prominent being that if a girl-child is born on Lughnassadh, she will alternate between loyalty and destructive tendencies. In short, she will switch between being your greatest ally and your greatest enemy without warning. Then back again. Okay, so that actually isn't true, but my sister was born on Lughnassadh. ;)

Seriously, as I said, it is the first of the harvest festivals. While still at one of the warmest points of the year, the days begin to become more noticeable shorter (the actual decline beginning at the Summer Solstice as previously indicated) and the first of the crops begin to be harvested.

The festival was named after the Celtic God Lugh, the God of sun and fire. Look to the weather out your windows (provided you are in the northern hemisphere) and this will make sense to you. Again, the Sabbatt is best practiced through the gathering of family. Grains and breads are prominent in this festival and should play a primary role in the dietary portion.

This is a day of thanksgiving. As the warm days prepare to decline, and the hardships of the fall and winter loom on the horizon, now is the time to take stock of what you have and give thanks for it.

Gather with your family and take the time to acknowledge the bounty of the Goddess as it begins to unfold before you, and give prayer that the harvests coming up are good ones. Now I recognize that most of us live not on the gift of the land, but rather the gift of the supermarket. Yet this is not an intangible theory. Can you get the produce you want? Certainly. But the bounty effects price, and thus your checkbook, so at least consider that on this day.

Note that the God is retreating, and soon the cold will return once more. Mostly, celebrate. This is the first of the harvest festivals, and thus the easiest to celebrate. The last is the one that is the most difficult, since then you might be facing the fact of a poor harvest. Here we have speculation.

Think therefore on this. What is it you would harvest from your life and your relationships? What is it you expect? Now is the time to iron out your expectations and desires. Unlike with the crops, even within this season you can adjust.

Relax, and enjoy your family's company. Take stock of the bounties that you have and give thanks. Take stock of what still needs work and plan and implement the plan. It is Lughnassadh. The God smiles on you. Smile back, and celebrate life, or something close to it.

Reconnected

2006-07-28T21:23:00.000-04:00

It appears that the problem that kept me offline has been resolved, and I am back. I have some things to update you folks on, and some things to catch up on. Hopefully in the next couple of days I will accomplish just that. In the time being, I have something else to catch up on. My wife will be home from work any minute now, and we haven't had too much time as of late. So I am remedying that this evening, and will be back to the rest of you shortly. Returning to blogging, and responding to some of you who e-mailed me in the interim. The latter will come first.

Many thanks to MC for informing folks as to what was going on with my computer. I will talk at you all shortly. In the meantime, enjoy your life, or something close to it.

Emily and Papa

2006-07-19T20:23:00.000-04:00

Well, on the twentieth attempt or so (the first today) blogger finally decided I could share the picture. Here is a lazing around kind of view of life, or something close to it.

Something MC Would Appreciate

2006-07-19T02:31:00.000-04:00

A horrible day in a rodent's life, or something close to it.

A note about modesty.

2006-07-18T03:43:00.000-04:00

Modesty, in the sense of ego or suppression thereof, is a tricky subject. I have noticed something about it recently that I'd never thought of before; it is a two-way street.

Modesty is like selflessness. To be selfless, you do not demand things for yourself, but you provide them to others. Modesty works the same way with respect. However, if someone were truly selfless, he would starve, so we must figure, since some people have been labeled selfless, there must be a reason they survive. I submit that it is because the people around him will allow him the things he needs in recognition to the fact that he does not ask for more, and few people, if any, would try to argue or deny him that, because of his good record of reasonability in what he deems rightfully his.

However, though I have never been considered modest, and have always been arrogant, egotistical, and a braggart, I have noticed that when I do stay silent about my capabilities, or ignore my victories, no one will reciprocate by acknowledging me. Maybe it is because they assume I am already pleased with myself and need no reassurance, but it fucking grates on me to hear the person I just defeated be praised while not one word passes as to my skill.

I've won thousands at poker, and not one of my friends or family is in the positives, and yet no one ever talks about how good a player I am. I've beaten 15 other players ten times in a row at Halo, and no one ever congratulated me. I won a multi-table tournament against live players in the casino, took $1,100 for first place, and neither the dealer, nor the runner-up, nor the pit boss who paid me my prize spoke one single word about having won after three hours of play with pure skill. I placed 2nd out of 953 players recently, winning 120 times my buy-in, and my poker mentor criticized the hand that set up my second place finish in lieu of winning.

I have tried recently to be more modest, to brag in jest only, to be self-confident but not a braggart, and in the time that I have been trying to do this I did not receive any acknowledgement or recognition from anyone, despite multiple victories and significat accomplishments in that period of time.

However, I considered the following:

Perhaps this is the case for everyone. Perhaps no one gets recognition or acknowledgement, let alone praise or admiration, that they do not give to themselves. Perhaps there is no reciprocation for the modest, perhaps they simply do not ever receive these things, and do not mind. Perhaps it is my mind which is warped, that I would not enjoy an anonymous victory. Perhaps I only defeat opponents because then people will know I was the victor. Perhaps if there were no notoriety to be gained, no reputation to be earned, I would not have a reason to win. Perhaps there isn't, and all the winning and defeating I've done in the past twenty years has all been a misguided, pointless attempt to fill the hole within me that craves admiration and recognition, at points causing me to demand that the most trivial details be highlighted to fulfil my need.

After completing this train of thought, something about the premise struck me. "Perhaps no one gets recognition or acknowledgement." Maybe this is both true and tragic. Perhaps other people desire these things and find themselves unsated, unslaked, just as I do, maybe not to such a psychotic extent, but in a more reasonable measure. If this is true, it would be like people with their god-myths declining sex before marriage: A bunch of horny-as-hell teenagers not giving each other what they need. As the enlightened understand, the obvious and most helpful course of action is to remove the barrier and have people fulfil each other's needs in a symbiotic and reciprocal way, so that everyone gets what they need without taking anything away from each other. That gave me a idea.

After dismissing an orgy with teenagers as illegal, I went with the next best option. I thought that maybe I should offer a testimonial to the people I know in person, who I know well, and give them the recognition and acknowledgement that they deserve. Perhaps that will satisfy their needs, and will give them a great feeling.

I resolve to do this soon. Due to chronological order of acquaintance, I will present Wanderer first with something along these lines, and then Lisa. And maybe people who we commonly know who do not necessarily read the blog, like Rockman and the Hammerchucker we all know and love. and maybe they will feel that they have finally gotten what they've earned.

StatCounter Fun

2006-07-17T04:07:00.000-04:00

I was found by someone searching for "Social Butterfly Synonym". Somebody definitely ended up elsewhere than they were searching for.

And probably the most interesting thing yet that this program has shown me. Visitor Paths show me a visit from (Presidential Office Computer Department) Iran, Islamic Republic of. I suspect there was nothing of actual interest to the Iranian Government on my site, still, that was a surprising thing to run across during my bored perusal of those lists.

Just some of the odd statistics for life, or something close to it.